I Want You To Stay
Written because I was inspired by Rihanna's "Stay".
Full of feels. I can barely contain myself just thinking of writing this – even though I have no plot and I'm just writing it as it comes.
It's like we'll never be out of this constant spiral. Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down, all that I know is that I can't live without it now. My life was transformed from the moment we kissed. Finding him, packing his bags, it clenched something in my heart and twisted my stomach, pounded it heavily like a boxer's fists. I was being punished by some fanciful force. And now we're just standing, silent and tense, eyes glued to eyes. I think, it's the way it's always been for us. The air whispers all the things we want to say, but can't. Try and there's a force, a hand that wraps tightly around our throats. Ever since the beginning, actions spoke louder than words between us. I'm not really sure how to feel about it, I just know that being with him is a life line, it can destroy me but even when it does, it's saving me. Ever since the start, before we even got involved with each other, he was obviously dangerous, but there was something about him that meant I couldn't help being involved.
All along it was a fever, a cold sweat hot-headed believer, I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something", he said, "If you dare come a little closer."
The front door is open, freezing night air sweeping in but it can't cut through the heat surrounding us; can't cool his heated stare. I can't believe he actually thinks I'd want nothing to do with him because I found out about his dad, what his dad did to him, what he suffered at the hands of a man who was supposed to love him but was just sick in the head. The worst part is that he believed, or maybe still believes, that he deserved it. Too blinded by pain to see how fallacious such a thought is. He dares to call himself a freak, disgusting, damaged goods, yet he's anything but. He's a broken record; love someone, push them away, punish himself, love someone, push them away, punish himself. He's made mistakes, but hasn't everyone? He's no angel, closer to being the son of the devil – he is, in fact – but he's perfect to me. The fact he can't see it crushes me.
It's not much of a life you're living, it's not just something you take – it's given.
There's a storm inside me; I want to hurt him, do something to him that might give him a brief insight to how much agony he causes me every time he tries to run away, every time he even considers leaving me. My hand slowly reaches out and closes the door, his eyes following the movement. My hand falls heavy like lead back to my side and his eyes meet mine again. They're rimmed red and damp. I know he's been crying, he probably broke down with it all then punched a wall to harm himself for it, for "being weak", because that is just so him. His fist unclenches and he drops his bag, moving towards the sofa in the living room and even though his shoulders arm slumped, weight of ruined innocence and years of aggression deflating him, there's something in the way he moves that still holds some form of power, some form of control, and I know he's clinging to it tightly, like it's his oxygen. I can't live without this man. I wouldn't dream of it. I can't even comprehend why he'd think for a second that either of us could survive if he left; we've proved the same point for over two years now – neither of us can live without the other.
Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move, makes me feel like I can't live without you, it takes me all the way, I want you to stay.
Those last strings intact seem to snap, seem to break and fly apart forcefully enough to give him whiplash; his back is towards me, he never sat down, but his shoulders are quivering, head bowed beneath them. And I feel selfish, because I need him to save me, when he's the one who's a being of crumbled sanity and torture. Or maybe we both are, in different ways. The hole inside me hollows further, cuts deeper, lets me bleed out a little more. I need him to fill it but he's empty himself. Two lost souls stuck in this constant spiral, ups and downs and never at one level.
Ooh the reason I hold on, ooh 'cause I need this hole gone, funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving, 'cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving.
"Just stay," my voice is broken, the despair sticking its knife-edge into my throat and proving my desolation, "I can't be without you and I know you can't be without me." He turns around and looks at me then, hot tears rolling down his flushed cheeks and he's shaking his head.
"How can it be me, huh? How can it be me that ye need? I'm strong on the surface, but I'm pathetic underneath. Ye fell for someone better, Steven, the façade." I glare at him then, walk right up to him and slap him in the face, watching as he stumbles backwards and looks at me, even more tears in his bloodshot eyes.
"Don't you even dare tell me who I fell for, Brendan Brady!" I scold, frustration filling the cracks in my voice and taking over. "I didn't fall for the shit you put on in front of everyone else, I fell for the true Brendan that only I get to see, the one that's standing here in front of me." My voice falters at the end, tears streaming and my hands shake, all my fear and heartache coming out in ripples and waves of anger and despair. "After everythin' we've been through, did ya really think you could scare me away with this? Really? Do you not trust me?" Brendan lowers his head and chokes a little, before looking back up and meeting my eyes; he suddenly looks terrified and I just want to wrap my arms around him and create some little bubble, a place for our own reality, fuck everything else, where we can love and protect each other without the interference of the outside world. His whole body shudders and he's on his knees, suddenly, he just falls like he's too fatigued to rely on himself to hold him up any longer and I find myself there with him, arms desperately wrapped around his body. His tears soak through the thin material of my t-shirt and my skin seems to absorb them, let them become a part of me and snap me in two. I'm as helpless as him. It's as clear as day that we need each other more than anything else in this world, why doesn't he have faith in it?
"I'll screw this up again, y'know I will." His voice trips over itself, vibrations pulse through me, as usual we're connected and I shake my head furiously.
"Don't throw this away for a maybe." I hissed, burying my face into his neck. Through the quaking of his body I felt him manage a nod. Coming apart at the seams but we always hold each other in place; sometimes barely, but we always keep the other intact. As his arms snake around my waist something inside me warms, like it's healing all of a sudden, and I can start to feel a little lighter, like there's sunshine behind the raging storm. This is forever.
Not really sure how to feel about it,
Something in the way you move,
Makes me feel like I can't live without you,
It takes me all the way,
I want you to stay.