This is my first Marsan fic. In fact, Carby fics are the only ship fics I've written for ER. And since Mark isn't here anymore, I'd have to make a few Alternate Universe standards up here: It takes place after/during Union Station. Therefore, Mark never/hasn't died yet, Elizabeth never came, and well. the rest.

I'm better with Carter/Abby stories, because there more recent and I've seen every episode pertaining to their relationship. So, if I fault on some history here, you'll know why. Thanks, and please review! Let me know if I should bother. (

*Prologue*

--

I remember whirring around and seeing your face. I remember hearing you shout my name over the growl of the engine aside me. My blonde hair askew around my face's tight frame, stressful from it all. You were staring at me as you ran. I heard every pedal your steps took against the ground and knew why you were there. I never had a feeling I'd left you until I saw you running for me.

"Don't leave."

It was the whisper that should change someone's life. And it wasn't really a whisper either. It was something more of a comman. Something that I couldn't tolerate rather than something that I couldn't ignore.

And I'm here now, waiting for a reply. A reply to escape my lips.

I know you love me.

I can feel it in your stare. In your arms. The bitter air of Chicago, its own icy and wintry trademark, surrounds us now, But it refuses to envelope us together like we belond. And it only refuses to do so because I refuse to.

I refuse.

I feel an obligation. I feel I should be in Arizona with my sister. Because she's troubled and she needs me. As much as I love you, you in front of me, I can't do it. I want to say that I'll be back one day. But who can promise? No one. Not any more than they can think so wishfully.

But you lean forward to kiss me, and I won't stop myself.

I refuse to let us be together, but I can't refuse a kiss.

Your arms are warm on me, despite the cold of our skin clashing together. Your hand is resting against my face, and I feel the need to touch yours as well. When I do, you don't shudder. You don't back away. Instead you wait for the kiss to end up in Heaven, as do I. I'm waiting for us to bathe in a ray of sunlight, bask in all that's righteous.

And I snap out of it as we separate. Lost on Cloud Nine for a moment, and I'm back in the middle of nowhere.

No, not the middle of nowhere. Next to this train that has to take me where I belong. So be it, if it isn't my home.

Chicago's my home. You're my home.

"I have to go."

You frown at this. You don't want to look at me, and I don't want to look at you. Because I know it's the last time that I'll probably see you. I can't make a promise to see you again; I don't know if I can keep it.

"Please come back."

Your eyes are sad. And they make me want to cry. Your expression is so soft against the gray of this whole scene. So soft and motionless. But your emotion glows, just not in the best way. I don't want to make you sad. I want to make you happy. I do.

"I will. I promise."

Damn it. Before I realize it, I've promised something to you. I love this man. And everything about him. But I can't do this, can I? Can I really? God knows what will happen when I reach Arizona. What will happen, or what I'll realize, or what I'll do.

He hugs me and plants another kiss on my cheek before turning away. Its my turn to cry now.

It is, but I refuse to.

So I don't.

Instead, I watch you walk. Your footsteps echo in my ear, the pounding. Even through its impossible to hear them over the sound of the train.

I'm whisked away and I want to call out to you.

But you're gone now.

--

**Please** tell me how horrible I did with this. ;)

-mandy