So tonight pissed me off to no end! Their season finales tend to do that to me. Actually I was quite happy with the place Maya is at right now; she was more of her original self and made an actual good decision. I'm not even going to get into the Zoe stuff, no my biggest frustration was the whole Clew situation. I already have a Clew one shot scheduled for Thursday but I was so frustrated tonight I cut the chapter a little short for "How'd I Let You Slip Away" and this one shot just poured out so y'all get two updates tonight, both are happy Clew and there will be another one Thursday.
Okay legal: I do not own DeGrassi if I did Owen and Fitz would still be around and Zoe wouldn't exist.
This takes place the morning after tonight's episode and is entirely in Clare's pov. And yes I'm actually acknowledging that Adam died, which I usually don't but it was necessary for this one quckie shot.
Lamenting at your Grave
I walked through the cemetery making my way to Adam's grave. I could find my way with my eyes closed at this point, I'd been coming every Saturday morning since Adam had died. I still didn't believe Adam was really dead, I thought about him every day and had dreams about him almost every night. He'd be with me, his soft smile making me smile and his ability to diffuse almost any situation with humor putting me at ease. Then I'd wake up and realize I would never see those things again. At first Adam was almost all we ever talked about and now no one did. Eli and I didn't talk at all and the last time I heard him mention Adam was his first day at NYU. Even Becky hadn't said Adam's name in weeks, and Drew…Drew hadn't really ever talked to me about Adam. It was kind of odd really because before we were running student council together Adam was really the only thing we shared. I knew Drew was upset about it and he'd had such a hard time dealing at the beginning of the school year but I figured I'd give him time. I guess Drew needed time again and not just for Adam.
I reach Adam's head stone; it was a beautiful headstone, with an angel on top and a picture of Adam. My blue eyed, freckled friend was smiling for eternity, which was fitting as he was almost always smiling despite everything he'd been through. The headstone reads:
Adam Torres
Son
Brother
Friend
Taken back to God too soon but always in our Hearts
It's fitting but doesn't say nearly enough about my best friend, doesn't talk about his humor, creativity, generosity, bravery, kind heart or immense capacity for love. I kneel by his grave putting the bouquet in my lap, I never brought just plain flowers Adam would have hated some random bouquet. I always brought something that he would have liked. A Dead Hand CD, pictures of us and Eli, a beanie, a comic, sometimes even his favorite foods. Today I had a bouquet but the flowers were paper and all made from pages of an old Goon comic, as well as Dead Hand and Whisper Hug lyrics that I'd printed out. After the hoe down last night I'd stayed up all night making a dozen paper flowers for one big bouquet of Goon comics and lyrics of Adam's favorite band and his band. It's just the sort of thing we'd have done together, if he were still alive.
"I messed up Adam, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I always mess up and I always fix it. I don't think I can fix this one Adam. I took Eli back because I was scared, scared of what I felt for your brother, scared to be alone. I wasn't happy from the second I took Eli back but I was scared. I felt things when I kissed Drew, things I had never felt with Eli but it was Drew! Your older brother Drew! I thought maybe I was getting close to him because I was missing you. So I went back to old reliable Eli, only Eli isn't so reliable, he ignored me, put us on hold and I became so alone and isolated from him. And I'm not just talking about his kiss with Lenore either. He would hardly ever pick up the phone when I called, let alone call me back. Our entire relationship became one sided and the only good thing in my life was Drew. He became my hero and I didn't even realize it."
I pause biting my lip and running my thumb over one of the paper roses, this one is made from printed Whisper Hug lyrics. I suddenly remember Adam on stage preforming, he was so happy when he was making music. I take a deep shuddering breath trying to rein in the tears and continue talking.
"I should have talked to Drew from the very beginning Adam, I should have been honest with him about how I felt. But I didn't of course because you know me and my subconscious self-destructive tendency to sabotage anything that could make me happy or make my life easier. I did it with Eli and Fitz, I did it with my parents, I did it with that whole Asher fiasco, I did it with Eli when he was taking drugs, I always do it. I pushed Drew away, lied to him, put myself closer to him just to feel good and then pushed him away again. If you were corporeally here you'd be giving me such a censuring for how I've been treating your big brother. I didn't mean to string him along; I didn't mean to make him feel like the rebound, I didn't mean to use him. I feel better when I'm around him Adam; sometimes he's the only thing that keeps me going, his smile make me smile, I get butterflies when he touches me, he makes me feel safe and beautiful and important. I've fallen for him Adam, fallen hard and I landed hard!"
I stop again sniffling the tears in and turning on the soft grass so that I'm entirely facing the headstone now and looking at Adam's picture as I continue talking.
"I broke up with Eli over voicemail but I tried calling and he never picks up! Then when Eli confronted me and Drew in the prop room I choked and said Drew had nothing to do with it but he did. He wasn't the only reason we broke up, Eli and I had been crumbling for a long time but Drew was a lot of it. And I don't know maybe Drew was hurt by the remark or he thought what happened between us in the prop room was just a rebound but he walked away. I love him Adam; I'm in love with your brother! How ridiculous is that? The Misfits are no more and I'm in love with Andrew Torres and he wants nothing to do with me! And just like always after what should be a good thing my life is in ruins instead of me being happy. My dreams of happiness with Drew left among the litter at the hoe down last night. I miss you Adam, I wish you were here to help me, to talk to your brother and you could have stopped me from doing all those stupid things. Or at least you could have made me smile after all of it."
With that I stand to put the paper bouquet on the headstone and suddenly there's a hand under my chin, my lips being lured to another set. One of my arms goes around Drew's neck, his other arm goes around my lower back and my lips part for him. I lift my leg up behind me and drop the paper rose bouquet on Adam's grave as I fully embrace his brother and Drew deepens his tenderly loving kiss, while my lips curl up in an ecstatic smile!
Okay I don't know about you all but I feel better now. Given how frustrated I was after that finale you can expect a few more of these before June.