Against All Odds, an er fanfic

I had disengaged to avoid being totaled
I would run away and say good riddance, soon enough
I had grown disgusted by your small-minded ceiling
Imagine myself bolting had not been difficult

Soon be my life
Soon be my pace
Soon be my choice of which you'll have no part of

Unprodigal daughter and I'm heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I'd invite you but I'm busy being unoppressed

I hit the ground running, although I know not what toward
I hit the town feeling, forgetting all that came before
I felt primed and ready, once surrounded by the pawns
I felt culture shocked, but dissuaded, I was not

This is my town
This is my voice
This is my taste of which you've have no part of

One day I'll saddle back and speak of foreign adventures
One day I'll double back and tell you about these unfettered years
One day I'll look back and feel something other than relieved
Glad that I left when I did before, I know you, you can't get the best of me

When I'd speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward
When I'd speak of spirituality you would label it absurd
When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head
If I had stayed much longer, I'd have surely imploded

These are my words
This is my house
These are my friends of which you've had no part

In the star-littered moonlit indigo night sky I can see through my tears and in to the great expanse of the universe.

Eternity covers me like a blanket, covering the wet tracks running down my face.

My hand travels instinctively to the hard mound that has become my abdomen containing, protecting my baby girl of which I learned of a few hours ago.

I had hoped for a little boy.

'The motherdaughter dynamic really just scares the hell out of me,' I remember I said that to Luka a few weeks ago.

It's no less true now that we know the sex of our child.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of the mother I will be in months that are blowing around me like a tornado.

My fear is not unwarranted, not in my case ... and for once it is my past that I honestly blame.

And it is my own mother I honestly blame.

And I hate myself for it.

I hate myself for being so afraid and for blaming my mother when she did not intentionally bruise the young life that would soon grow up in to the person I am today.

Though, as scared and self-hateful as I am I haven't turned out as awfully as I once feared I might.

I used to be afraid of me, of who I might be, and of who I could turn in to.

It was a lot of energy feeling that way.

A lot of tired, late hours spent combating the very person I was so terrified of becoming ... and as evident-of who I am still afraid of becoming.

Now with my hand on the baby girl inside of me I don't feel so much anymore, there are no extremes.

For that I feel strange because extremes are all I have ever known.

This happy medium is awkward.

I have to tell myself that this is good, it means I'm OK. It means that I am not who I am so afraid of.

And I must realize that I made it, against all odds.

The deck was firmly stacked against me. My genes had a predetermined plan to destroy my person and my life, but I wouldn't let them. I fought tooth and nail and got by by the skin of my teeth.

All the same I am making it.

Hot, sharp stones were thrown at my feet and I did the dance with the devil, the dance of temptation and I succumbed and I fell flat on my face.

But I got back up every time, no matter what.

I get back up every time.

Stubborn, that's what everyone calls me and calls that trait in me but I call it perseverance and willpower and protective defiance.

As much as I berate myself and beat myself up and crawl inside myself and try to hide when I know I am doing a crappy job of it I realize that I've accomplished a great deal in my thirty-seven years.

There was help along the way.

No one here knows the people who kept watchful, loving eyes over me and protecting me.

They are the people I talk to everyday, who are a few hundred miles away but who are as close to my heart as Luka might ever be.

Against all odds I am succeeding ... they always had the faith in me it's taken so long for me to have in myself

It took me years ... years of hard work and years of one step back two steps forward but always moving in the right direction I was never certain with.

Against all odds...

Startling me from the world of my memories is a little kick, a kick that's not supposed to come for a while yet ... baby must be special...

Now back through the wardrobe door in to the present I feel the cold breeze snapping at my nerves and drying the tears I didn't bother to wipe away.

Strong arms encircle me, but I am not startled... I am strangely calm and comfortable for the time being...

Until the other shoe drops...

ALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALAL

The song was another by Alanis Morissette called Unprodigal daughter ... fit the fic well...