Pairing: Ryan/Seth

Setting: Shortly after season 2

Rating: M; Slash (Gay themes); Mature language; sex, drugs, alcohol, violence...
Summary: After Trey is shot and Seth thought that it was Ryan, his entire life changed. He couldn´t stand himself anymore and slipped into something he wasn´t quite able to handle. While Ryan was worried about Seth, he wasn´t sure how much he knows him anymore.

Author's Note: This is the first fic I puplish here... so be nice and gentle on me, please. I always liked the pairing RyanxSeth and found it kinda sad to find hardly any fics where, for once, Seth is the one who has problems. Until now I think that in the show, his problem aren´t taken as serious as Ryan´s and that annoys me a little. So I wrote my own story.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don´t own the O.C or any of those characters. The entire story is made up and relates to no real incidents or people.

Prologue

I never believed that one thing could change your entire life. I never thought the sound of one single shot would be able to make your life fall apart to the point were there was no way to hold it together anymore. One shot.

I ran, out of breath. The shot rang in my ears. Everything else was forgotten in that moment.

Summer, who ran beside me... she wasn´t there for me.

A shot, the knownlegde that Ryan wasn´t there anymore.

Marissa... who lay in the corner, breathing hard and looking out of her mind, I didn't care.

Ryan, I suddenly realized that it was only about Ryan. Everything.

Chapter One

Different

It´s 8 in the morning and I just slipped back into the house, hopefully unnoticed by anyone. I hadn´t planned to be out so long, didn't want to risc beeing caught finally. But no one noticed as I did and so I made my way into the kitchen, pretending it was just a morning like any other.

It wasn´t that much of a lie anyways, as most of my mornings where like this. I just couldn´t help it anymore. Too much had changed to return it into what it had been before. 3 whole month, and I could hardly recognize myself anymore. It all became too confusing to understand, too much to really keep track of things. And I was so tired of it all. So much that I forgot how it felt to really care.

After that evening 3 month ago, everything change. Mom was gone, Grandpa was dead and then I heard the shot. Heard it and my heart felt it was Ryan who way lying on the ground, bloody and dead. The feeling was so strong and overwhelming that I still threw up when it all becomes too intense.

But it hadn´t been Ryan. It had been Trey and Ryan had been alright, just some bruises and a little shock. From this day on nothing was the same anymore.Everything had changed and I had felt how it slipped threw my fingers like sand, unable to hold it together even if I had tried so hard. Until I let myself slip as well.

That´s how I ended up here, in the kitchen at eight in the morning, hardly able to keep myself awake anymore. After that night, Marissa had left to a different school, made different friends although we still stayed in contact. Summer left as well, left for New York to live with her beloved father. I think they just couldn´t stand the atmosphere anymore. When Summer left, I was sad, honestly. Summer looked at me, her gaze was more serious than I had ever seen it before. I wanted to say something, anything to explain the change that had taken place with me. Summer sighed, and spoke before I could even open my mouth. "Cohen, look. Whatever you wanna say, don´t. You´ve been lying way too much in the past days."

She looked at me, almost as if she expected some reaction from me, like a very last chance. But I said nothing. "Cohen, do you remember what I told you when you called me before I would have left with Zach?" I looked at her, knowing so well what she meant, but hardly able to believe that she had really said it. This one sentence from Summer was the first thing that made me realize this.. thing.

Summer smiled at me, it was a sad smile. A smile that said good-bye. "I love you Cohen, but this..." she pointed at both of us. "..can´t work. I mean I´m like... really good looking and all-"

"Summer..." I knew what she was about to do. Make it all easier for us. But that wasn´t going to work, cause this was final. There was no way back. She nodded slightly.

"Good bye Summer... I hope you´ll do really great in NY." I really hoped that for her, maybe she could even hook up with Zach again.

"Seth.." Summer leaned down, placing a last kiss on my lips. I felt hardly anything. "I wish you good luck, with everything." Then she was gone.

Honestly, after a while I couldn´t bring myself to care too much. The image I had in my mind about Ryan lying dead on the ground had made me realize something I had known for a while now, only had I never been able to admit it to myself.

"Hey man." I almost jerked out of my thoughts, not expecting someone to be up already. It was Sunday after all. But Ryan stood in the door, looking still sleepy. He wore only a pair of black boxers and a wide shirt he slept in .I couldn´t help but look at him, couldn´t help but linger on the sight it gave. But Ryan did not seem to notice, or simply didn't care to.

"Hey.." I didn't feel like making conversation. Another thing that had changed. I just couldn´t bring myself to speak much anymore. Whenever I wanted to, my mouth felt dry and worn out, almost like I had already used too many words in my life and now they were all spent, reduced to a minimum. And the other thing was, that I could hardly stand Ryan´s presence anymore. Whenever he was too close to me, I couldn't help but feel like shit.

Because I knew, no matter what I did, if Ryan would find out the truth about me now, he would be disgusted. He would never understand what reasons I had for my actions. He wouldn´t understand me anymore. And it hurt so much, to know that something had happened between me and him that made it impossible for us to be like we used to be.

"You look tired, haven´t slept much?" these days words were spare in this house, even dad shut himself up in his office most of the time. But I could feel that Ryan was trying to make and afford, trying to make something. He had had a hard time, I knew he had. As much as I could I had tried to help him, cause that´s what I wanted. To make him feel better, to bring a smile on his wonderful face. But sometimes it hurt.

I couldn´t help but snort, and I felt as he gave me a questioning look. But I didn't care to explain. So I looked tired? No wonder, tonight I had been busy. Checking the bars, getting drunk and let some asshole guys fuck me for a little tip.

That´s what I had been doing the last three months. That´s what had been eating me up all the time. I had been scared shitless as I had been sure that it had been Ryan who was shot. I had been so afraid that I just had to realize that I hadn´t just been worried over a friend. I had been worried to loose Ryan, to loose him without even being able to tell him how much he meant to me. So much more than I wanted to believe myself, but damn, it was there.

The way he smiled, or used to smile anyways. How his hair fell into his stunning blue eyes again and again, and how he would wipe it away then. Everything about him had be fascinated, captured like a little child who saw Santa Claus for the first time. That affect had Ryan on me, and I couldn´t help it, no matter how many guys I let use my body to satisfy their disgusting needs. Only for a moment, when the pain and the alcohol seemed to get too much, then it felt good. It felt like I was free from everything in this little moment. And this moment was the reason why I did it again and again every night. Why I let this things to be done to me; why I did them to myself.

I knew I could never have Ryan, so why bother trying?

Tired? Yeah, I guess I was tired of it all-