Title: Wasn't Enough
Author: Jaid
Disclaimer: The song title is "Another Day" and the artist is some really cool dude named Lemar. Sounds Hebrew if you ask me, but that's not the point. The lyrics are in italics and... should be identifyable. These are George Lucas' characters, and probably his setting (I'm not all that sure where this fic is set to be honest…) but the plot is mine, but I still own nothing. Except for my college debt, and you can have that. Repeat: I DO NOT OWN THE SONG OR ITS LYRICS OR THE LYRIC WRITER OR THE SONG ARTIST! So if you're thinking "0.0 SHE'S EVIL!" and moving your courser towards the "Report Abuse" button, stop and just hit the back button – thank you.
Author Note: I'll be honest; I'm not so sure about this piece, and if you really don't mind, I'd appreciate it very much if you'd take the time to let me to know what you think of it, even if it's just "this sucks". kthx.
Key Words: Zekk, Jaina, broken, alone, tears
Genre: angst
Dedication: To those who felt empty and worthless
Summary: A worthless story about someone who wasn't enough…
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Wasn't Enough
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Is it really over, between us two?
Then why don't you love me?
The way that I still love you
-
Zekk was sitting in an empty bedroom, staring at the open doorway. His skin was as pale as alabaster, and the tear stains on his cheeks made his face shine in the soft lighting. His emerald eyes were black with suppressed misery and pain as he clenched a strained fist around the flimsiplast in his hand. He didn't have to look at the spidery black ink to be able to read what Jaina had written. It had been engraved in his mind, each word taunting his sanity, each letter mocking his struggle to control his raging emotions.
"Jaina," he whispered softly, his tongue felt thick. "Jaina, wasn't I enough?"
He tried to understand her motives, to understand why she had simply left him, but it was difficult to think past the pain. He still loved her, didn't she love him?
Her voice whispered in his heart. "Love can't overcome some things, Zekk. Like you."
-
So many mistakes made, in so little time
Girl I'm so regretful
I must've been outta my mind
-
Everything that had gone wrong was Zekk's fault – and even if it really wasn't, he blamed himself for it anyways. He'd probably asked for it, and now he was living to regret it. That is, if the feeling that stole his breath and left him defenseless against the anguish coiling in his middle could actually be called 'living'.
Zekk let himself fall backwards, landing on the soft bed that he and Jaina had lain on so many times, just snuggling. She had said she wanted to take things slowly. That she didn't know if she really could love again – didn't know if she could love him again. He had promised to do everything she wanted to. But he couldn't help it.
He hadn't meant to fall in love with her that much. He only wanted to protect her. He hadn't meant for her to find out what he wanted more than anything.
Zekk laughed hollowly. Even that was his fault – if he hadn't been out of his mind for her, he would've remembered that keeping secrets from Jaina was an exercise in futility.
-
I don't wanna live another day
Without you by my side
I don't wanna run any more
Runnin' outta places to hide
-
The next morning was cold and misty. Zekk had slept fitfully, curled up on top of the covers; his arms wrapped tightly around himself like it could hide him from the truth.
But the day tore that hiding place away from him with a ruthlessness that left him reeling. Outside of Zekk's small, tastefully decorated flat, the world was grey and covered with a fog that matched the pain that blanketed his heart.
Stepping out onto his small balcony, Zekk's face was stony, but the tears he cried didn't erode the surface no matter how much he wanted to die – to never have to face another day.
Another day with her memory, and the first day without her smile.
Zekk's legs weakened and he stumbled forward, grabbing onto the metal railing along the balcony, trying desperately not to pitch forward into darkness. "No..." his voice was like a small boy's. "Jaya, don't be gone please... I need you..."
But like a small abandoned boy, only the freezing world answered him, and the angel who could save him, continued on without looking behind her. Not even once.
-
Ever since you went away
Slowly I've seen
That I Should've got down on my knees
And begged you to stay with me
-
The days turned into hours, then into minutes, then to a mindless agony that stretched into an eternity for Zekk. Every time he almost forgot Jaina, he remembered everything.
The kind, gentle darkest knight had ceased to exist in the backlash of Jaina's parting. A silent, untouchable Jedi was left. Nothing shook him, nothing changed him. His patience seemed to never run out, and he became strong, even as he was broken beyond repair.
But Zekk wasn't aware of the change, because he never forgot. His mind was consumed with the knowledge that he was slowly coming to understand that nothing could ever change the past; even though that was the only thing he lived for.
The only thing he lived for was the wish that he could get down on his knees and beg Jaina to forgive him, to come back and let him live again. But that would involve turning back time, and only the Force could manipulate time. And the Force was pleased with the broken Jedi that Jaina had created.
And so Zekk was left wandering helplessly in his hurt, and no one noticed how sometimes, if you looked into his eyes, you could see all the pain and anguish that the universe had ever created, held tightly to his heart like a poison – but it was the only thing keeping him alive.
-
And what I'm feeling for you
Never could I try to hide
The fact that I had told you
Always seems to come outside
-
Zekk stood outside on his balcony, staring straight ahead over the dark city like there was some type of answer written in the horizon that could make his misery bearable. He had tried to comm Jaina after dinner. Whatever it had been that he had been expecting, it most assuredly wasn't Raynar's voice, proclaiming that he and his fiancé, Jaina Solo were out. Fiancé. Jaina.
Maybe he hadn't told her what he felt for her, Zekk thought, trying to rationalize what she had done. Maybe she didn't know how much he loved her. It was obvious to most people how much he had worshiped her – he hadn't tried to hide it – but maybe she didn't know. If she did, she would never do something like promise herself to someone… someone else.
-
You are my heart beat
The reason I breathe
Please baby forgive me
While I'm down on my knees
-
Zekk had tried to talk to Jaina while she was commuting from the flat she shared with Raynar to her office on base. She never noticed him following her two speeders back, or waiting on top of a building, his dark green eyes tracking her every move. At first his voice had cracked with emotions he was ill-equipped to deal with as he fell to his knees in desperation. He had babbled on about his day, begged for her understanding, pleading for her to explain what she was doing until his cheeks were covered with tears and his voice was gone.
Now he had built up walls. He could talk to her calmly, without feeling unbalanced when Raynar would reach over and kiss her whenever they were at a red light. His world didn't spin into chaos whenever her eyes would pass over him and dismiss him as easily as she did a simple pillar.
He would ask for forgiveness for destroying her trust. Beg her to understand why he loved her. Plead with her to save him from the hell he lived in, surrounded by her ghosts. Explain that she was all he lived for, that she was the only reason he was breathing when he woke in the morning.
But she never heard his desperate pleadings, never noticed his frantic cries that fell on her deaf ears every day. Never realized how every unheard cry was damning another tiny bit of his soul. Never caring about what she was doing to him. Never.
-
I don't wanna live another day
Without you by my side
I don't wanna run any more
-
A few weeks later, Zekk walked silently towards the council room where the two Masters, Skywalker and Skywalker, had asked to meet him. The long corridors were still and empty of joy for him as he left his heart locked behind the walls Jaina had built up. He slipped through the doors without ceremony and they closed behind him. He took a shallow breath and did his best to not flinch as Mara stared at him like he had crawled out from under a rock.
"What happened?" She didn't elaborate and Zekk was momentarily lost.
"Something happened?" he asked, confusion that was only partially true spreading across his face. Something had happened. Jaina had eloped with Raynar a month before her wedding day, but confessing how badly that had cut him to the Skywalker's wasn't something he was willing to do. They hadn't cut him off after Jaina had left him like the Solo clan, but it was only because Mara had been curious about him. He knew that if they knew how badly he needed Jaina, they wouldn't hesitate to cut him off.
Luke glanced at Mara as if to say "Wrong Move, Love", and then sighed. "What my wife means, Zekk, is that you've been fading. You look paler then death sometimes and you're quiet, even for you. When we would meditate on you in the Force, we can only barely find you, you are so heavily shielded. It's almost like it's keeping you together – like you'd collapse without it… and it's not good. What happened?"
Zekk gave them one of his rare, genuine smiles as his eyes filled with bitter-sweet pain. "Don't worry Master, it's nothing." Nothing I can admit to, anyways… "It's just been a long time in coming, and I'm tired."
"Tired?" Luke asked gently.
Mara rolled her eyes. "He's home for a few hours and then he's off on a mission that will steal him for days… weeks… months… No, really Luke? He's tired!"
Luke flushed with embarrassment at the chastisement from his wife.
Zekk shook his head wearily, lowering his gaze so they wouldn't be able to see how thin his control stretched. "It's nothing."
Mara watched his face quietly for a few moments, then sighed. "Not having her by your side, but seeing her every day is killing you, isn't it?"
Zekk froze, unable to respond with his body locked in horror at her softly-spoken question.
Mara sighed again and then let her gaze fall to the floor. "Yeah, that's kinda what I was expecting…"
-
Runnin' outta places to hide
Ever since you went away
Slowly I've seen
That I Should've got down on my knees
And begged you to stay with me
-
Zekk's world was falling to pieces as he left. The tiny shards of pain enveloped him completely and threatened his very sanity – what little of it that was left. She had known. His mentor. The one whose approval he sought almost as much as that of his Goddess, knew the one thing he had tried to hide from her.
Strangely, he felt better for it, even as she had destroyed his last hiding place. The secret had been killing him slowly, even before he had read the note. It felt so strange now.
Had he always felt like that? he wondered idly, Had everything always been so grey? Had everything always been so hopeless? Had everything always burned so much? Had everything fallen to pieces around him? Had he always died every time he would see her face turning away from him? Had she always done this to him? He closed his eyes and tried to control the pain that slammed around him.
…She hadn't even let him tell her that he needed her. That he was sorry for hurting her so badly. When she had opened the door to her flat, he had felt a wild surge of hope as her eyes widened in some emotion he couldn't realize. She shut the door without saying a word, never seeing, never caring about him. It didn't make a difference to him though. He still knelt at her door and begged her to… to…
He wasn't even sure what he was asking her for. He didn't know how to say it. The demons had always been there. The only time they had been quiet was when Jaina had smiled at him. The only time they had left was when he had held her in his arms. But she didn't care. The door had remained shut. And Zekk broke.
-
I don't wanna Sleep
I don't wanna fall
I can see the night
From my heart 'n' soul
-
Zekk leaned against the edge of his balcony, but for the first time, he let his mind conjure up Jaina's face before him to ward off the approaching night. "Jay, why?" He asked in a quiet whisper, the pain capsulated in those two words rocking him.
He tipped his head back and let the wind rip through his hair, imagining that it was Jaina's hands – that she didn't really say those things to Raynar, that she didn't really hate him, that she loved him… Zekk closed his eyes, tired of it all. So very tired of all of it. Tired of pretending that he wasn't empty, that he wasn't broken, that… that he didn't love her. A lonely tear moved down his cheek.
Night fell on the darkest knight for one last time, and the Force echoed with the pain he had held inside his heart. But Jaina never cared.
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End