Warning may contain:
Some swearing, comedic nudity
Warning, may cause:
Mild to extreme disappointment in the fact that this story was created, stroke, confusion, eagerness to play D&D.
A/N:
Jouka - Yolk-uh
Lucithen - Please tell me you can pronounce this one.
This is a joint story with a fellow comrade of mine, made over the course of several coffee shop visits and various bars(?) This is a more comedic twist on an event in one of our D&D campaigns, where a bunch of pricks decided to be pricks, and the only solution was for the two most responsible party members to pay them a visit, because we're smart like that.
This definitely didn't really end with Jouka setting the inn on fire *Cough*Dumbass*Cough*.
Enjoy morons being morons, and realize why our Dungeon master is, in fact, perpetually disappointed in us.
The Roughest of Drafts:
The Great Pantaloon Heist: A D&D Tale
Starring: Brooks as Jouka, the Childish Illusionist.
Starring: Raven as Lucithen, the Rogue Assassin Rogue.
In Association With: Done-With-Our-Shit Dungeon Master, God.
Guest Starring: God as: Some Pricks at the {Insert Name Here} Inn.
Guest Starring: Miscellaneous People as Disappointed Party Members
'Twas a dark and dreary evening in the town of Daggerford and the travelers' caravan had just dragged their sorry asses through the mud and into town. It was on this caravan that we find our two, troubled anti-heroes. It was with these numbskulls that our story begins.
Shortly after the sun had dipped below the horizon and found its resting place, many of the weary travelers set out to do the same. Alas, upon arriving at the inn, the disgruntled merchants soon discovered that the inn was "fully occupied". As it so happens, a band of prickly aristocratic pricks had bought out the entirety of the {Insert Inn Name Here} Inn for the night. While their physical manifestations were only five in number, their limitless ego was more than enough to occupy the remaining 25, vacant rooms. Upon seeing their comrades dejectedly retreating from the inn, our anti-heroes, Lucithen and Jouka, received their call to adventure.
Being an irresponsibly curious man, Jouka figured it would be wise to investigate. He turned to his "companions" and suggested that they pay the innkeeper a visit.
"Perhaps they're throwing a party?" helpfully suggested Lucithen.
"It's certainly worth finding out one way or another," Jouka replied skeptically.
And so they set off, Disappointed Party Members trailing behind our two, wise heroes. The inn was rather clean and civil but seemed strangely lacking in visitors. Finally arriving at the homely (and rather poorly named) inn, the party was greeted by a tomato-faced innkeeper. So far as they could tell, save a small group of snobby looking men, the innkeeper was the only resident. Upon hearing from the innkeeper that all of the rooms had been bought out, the party shrewdly elected to send forth their extraordinarily charismatic rogue, Lucithen, to do the talking.
"Excuse me good businessman, but might I inquire as to why the current mass of vacant rooms are supposedly unavailable for purchase?" Despite the rogue's eloquent speech and flooringly friendly appearance consisting of an all black shawl and myriad of lethal-looking blades hanging from her belt, the innkeeper seemed petrified in terror. While Jouka found this phenomenon seemingly inexplicable, his keen sense for trouble led him to step in for Lucithen on the off chance that her appearance was the cause of the innkeeper's petrification. Cautiously, like a parent relocating an inappropriately honest child, Jouka moved Lucithen to the side and stepped forward to reiterate the question.
"How exactly is it that all of the rooms have been bought out when the lobby is nearly empty?"
Regaining his composure, but stealing a worrisome glance towards Lucithen before speaking, the innkeeper said, "That group over there, the fancy-looking folk, bought out all the rooms in the inn for 3000 gold pieces. I'm very sorry but that was an offer that I couldn't turn down." After a moment he quickly added, "I hope you can understand".
Frustratedly, Lucithen interjected, "I'm sorry, I'm sure I misunderstood you, a whole group of five sacks of shit shouldn't have the obligation to buy out an entire inn, I didn't take you for one no better than they."
Jouka, attempting somewhat to quell the tension in the room quickly added, "There is an entire caravan of merchants being forced to endure the elements outside of a nearly empty inn. Surely the humanitarian in you wants to help these people?"
"I apologize," said the sorry innkeeper, "My hands are tied, they were here first and it simply wouldn't be fair to modify our agreement now."
"We could make that sentence less metaphorical if you wish," threatened Lucithen.
Doing his best to hide the fear in his voice, the innkeeper replied, "I'm afraid I can do nothing more for you. You'll have to take the matter up with that group over there," gesturing to the pompous pricks sitting smugly in the corner. With that, the party abandoned the innkeeper for pricklier pastures and decided to go and talk with the lone denizens of the inn.
"There are freezing, worn-down merchants outside and you have barred them entry to a perfectly fine inn mere meters away!" Lucithen vented, "Why is it that you felt the need to buy out the entirety of the inn?"
"Because they can?" A party member helpfully suggested.
The presumed head prick of the bunch quipped, "Yes, because we have the means to do so, wouldn't want to share the inn with dirt like you."
"The only dirt I see here is you." A party member, Ayda, snapped.
"You'll let an entire caravan of people freeze just so that you don't have to look at a dusty footprint?" Jouka added.
"You may have money, but we possess an alternative form of negotiation," Lucithen growled, her hand resting on the hilt of her dagger.
"You heard the innkeeper. We were here first and paid more than our fair share. Now, if I recall correctly, you all have a patch of mud with your names on it… Please, go and enjoy a slice of nature."
Lucithen, staring daggers, and Jouka, visibly flustered, had come to the conclusion that these insufferably myopic aristocrats couldn't be convinced to see beyond their own snobbish noses. With that, and the obligatory jests thrown over shoulders, the party slogged back to the caravan. For Jouka, however, the encounter was far from over… Thus, The Great Pantaloon Heist had officially begun.
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Back at the Caravan, Jouka schemed up a great scheme. He had set his sights on not the lives of the prickly pear aristocrats, but on their breeches. Surveying the party, Jouka decided he would need a stealthy accomplice. For this role, there was only one candidate, legendary swiper of shorts, Lucithen! As the caravan was preparing for their dirt-naps, Jouka approached the rogue and requested her assistance in the midnight heist. Enthusiastically accepting, the two agreed to head out once night had fully fallen.
When the two assholes finally set out to embark on their flawlessly planned mission, Jouka decided it wise to actually explain to Lucithen what was actually about to go down.
"Aight, so here's how it's going to go down: To get these saintly figures back for their selfish stunt, we are going to steal the most precious things they own — their pants."
"So is it the pants they're wearing that we'll take, or just all of their pants?" Lucithen inquired.
"We'll do whatever is necessary."
"Even if they're wearing them?! What if they aren't wearing anything?"
"Whatever. Is. Necessary. Nobody comes away from a heist without a couple of scars — emotional or otherwise..." They travelled the rest of the way to the inn in silence.
Upon arriving, the two decided to bypass the front door and head straight for the top floor. Pulling a suspicious amount of rope from his bag, Jouka waved his hands and repeated an incantation, causing the rope to rise through thin air up to the roof and allowing them to climb up it to the waiting window. Once the rope was in position Jouka bravely took a step back and said to Lucithen, "You first!"
Lucithen sighed heavily, and, seeing Jouka's… "Athletic figure", decided it was for the best. Scrabbling up the rope to the locked window, Lucithen looked down at Jouka expectantly.
Jouka impatiently shouted, "Well, what are you waiting for? Open it already!"
"It's locked!"
"Then unlock it!"
"And how am I supposed to do that, it's locked from inside!"
"You're the rogue, you tell me! Don't you have some sort of pokey tool for that?"
"Yeah I do, but not for unlocking windows that are fucking locked from the inside!"
"Can't you just use a credit card or something?"
"What the hell is a credit card?"
"Good question. Hmm, do you have anything you can use to flick the lock open?"
And so, begrudgingly taking out a pokey tool from her pokey tool bag, Lucithen flicked open the goddamn lock and opened the window at last, fell directly into the inn, and motioned for the brave wizard to follow. Jouka, rubbing his hands together, psyching himself up for the climb, took a couple of steps back before charging at the hanging rope. Leaping valiantly unto the rope, his steadfast hands firmly grasped it before swiftly losing their grip and setting in motion Jouka's even swifter return to earth.
Lucithen looked down upon Jouka (Both literally and metaphorically), before sighing, unsurprised, and got ready to wait for a while. By a miraculous stroke of luck (and roll of the dice) Jouka steeled himself once again for the ascent, girded his loins, and desperately clawed his way up the rope.
"What was the hold up?" Lucithen inquired, feigning innocence with a mocking smile.
"Gravity and I were at odds for a minute or two." Jouka mumbled dejectedly.
"I can see that. I like the new outfit, the mud gives you a certain radiance and really brings out the color in your eyes."
And with that, Lucithen and a dejected Jouka turned to the waiting door, swung that bitch wide open and were greeted by the expansive inn that housed their prized pantaloons.
"All right, so what now?" Lucithen asked.
"Well, to be honest, this is farther than I thought we'd get… I haven't thought that far ahead." Jouka replied, embarrassed.
"Welp, can't say I'm surprised. Are we just expected to go to every goddamn door and listen in?"
"Hmm, good idea. Let's do that!" he said with a rather inappropriate amount of enthusiasm.
And with that, a loud snore (as expected from pigs such as these) emanated from the adjacent room. Both parties looked to the door expectantly.
"Hm, that was easy." Lucithen said. Jouka pulled from his pack a large red button and gave it a thmack, and in their heads they imagined it said, "that was easy".
Pulling out some smaller pokey tools, Lucithen prepared to unlock the offending door. With stealthy maneuvering, Lucithen picked open the door with various pokey tools, according to Jouka, and both with ears up to the door, come crashing through as Lucithen opened the door rather quickly (Those stealth rolls though). The loud thwump of bodies hitting the floor awakened the unsuspecting member of the group of shits.
The shit jolted awake with a snort straight outta bed and, to Jouka and Lucithen's mutual horror from on the ground, they looked up to see not pants, no, but the devil's snake itself. This aristocrat might as well have been born yesterday, for he still wore his birthday suit — in all its blinding, grotesque glory.
In the sight beheld, Lucithen said, "Fuck."
Somehow detracting further from his masculinity, which was already damaged by his underwhelming under-pants appearance, was the exceedingly feminine (and somehow swinish) shriek that he produced upon seeing the two buffoons collapsed on his floor.
The two intrepid trouser snatchers were stunned — dumbfounded — in terror. The sight was simultaneously the most blinding light and darkest shadow they had ever seen in their blissfully ignorant existence. Jouka, glancing away for a brief moment, extended his hand towards the aristocrat's stash of jewels and muttered an incantation under his breath. Suddenly, as if the gods had answered their prayers, a sacred cloth materialized and spared the poor souls' from seeing what should have forever remained unseen. Jouka, finally glancing back, was delighted to see that his spell had worked perfectly and the cadaverous crotch was now clad in clothing (of the pink, polka-dot variety).
Lucithen, quickly scrambling to her feet, awkwardly facing Prince Pink Polka, said: "Our bad. Wrong room," before turning to leave. Jouka, still admiring his handiwork, stopped Lucithen in her tracks.
"But… Since we are already here…" said Jouka with a mischievous glint in his eye. The two turned slowly back to face Pinkie Pie — Jouka rising with malevolent intent.
"Excuse me sir, but we're gonna need something from you before we go..." Lucithen said sinisterly.
"Wh-what do you want?" He replied sheepishly.
The two, exchanging a sidelong glance, said in unison, "Your britches."
A look of terror washed over his face, and he began to tremble in fear, glancing over at his precious pantaloons that lay vulnerably upon the dresser.
Roll for initiative.
Lunging forward toward her target, Lucithen, in self-pity, tackled the snake charmer and his cobra to the ground, and attempted to grapple him. Unsuccessful, as the bearer of the dottiests of polka's roll was higher, he was able to break the grapple. In fear for the safety of his trousers, he desperately leaped up toward his dresser to grab at his pants. However, our trusty wizard was able to summon the most magic of hands, he pulled the pants just out of his reach, thus resulting in a faceplant, as most magic wielders are pretty ungraceful.
Feeling left out, Jouka decided to join the dog pile! Stronger than he appeared, and more manly than his shriek would have let on, they now knew that he was compensating for something all along. Easily throwing off the resident stick wizard Jouka, he once again attempts to secure his garments to save them from their fate.
Not today.
Lucithen uses her reaction to grab at his dainty little ankles, and he only gets so far before being pulled straight back down onto his face. Again, what a loser. Unfortunately for Lucithen, this save resulted in much traumatizing sights, as she now was looking directly on the ass of the glorious pink polka-dotted undergarment made by Jouka. Like a game of leapfrog, Lucithen bounded oh-so-gracefully over the stunned Speckled Shorts, and grabbed at the waiting trousers. Successful on the roll, Lucithen grabs at the pants, and attempts to sweep up Jouka in the other arm like the ragdoll he is.
Startled by the fact that his feet were no longer on the ground, Jouka briefly panicked, before realizing the only thing that had been wounded was his pride, and allowed himself to be held limply. In this series of events, Jouka had accidently dropped his minor illusion that protected the eyes of the innocents, the polka dotted saviour flickered out of existence to the dismay of the world. Startled by the reappearance of his own spaghetti, he was so spooked that he forgot about the retreating pant-burglars and wallowed in his own shame.
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The roosters crowed in the early light of Daggerford, and it could be felt in the air, that something great had transpired while the town had slept peacefully. They knew a legend could be borne from this. As the caravan came to, they all looked up to see, flapping majestically in the morning breeze above everyone for the world to see, was the most beautiful pant collection they had ever laid their eyes upon before. Six crisp, freshly ironed pantaloons glowed in the warm sunlight, and the town knew, with satisfaction, that pricks residing in the inn had found their justice and lost their pride.
And that's all folks.