Delayed Absolution
A/N: Inspired by Fall Out Boy's "Immortals". Contains references to the end of Chapter 5 of "Kingly Ambitions" and drabbles 35 and 36 of "Dissonant Symphony".
A soft knock sounded on Riza's door. She'd know the pattern anywhere.
For a moment, she was fifteen again, asking him why that specific pattern when any knock made sense. Then snapping at him for not knocking the one time he'd nearly walked in on her changing.
Him all but thrusting a birthday gift into her hands before bestowing a kiss on her cheek the day she turned sixteen. Pulling her into the hallway into a hug as she briefly struggled against him before realizing that her father's illness was affecting him, too. Hesitating, opening and closing his mouth rather like a fish out of water before making a very determined face and kissing her. Waiting for a moment, then pushing her door open when she was sobbing too hard after her father's death to invite him in. Gingerly opening the door as she lay on her bed, baring the secrets of flame alchemy to him.
She opened the door.
"Um… I… Just wanted to make sure you're okay." He hadn't been at a loss for words around her for such a long time, but so much had changed between then and now.
"My shoulder is fine, Major, but thank you for your concern." Riza started to shut the door.
"Wait!" Roy actually stuck his foot in the door. So he can learn new tricks. "May I please come in?"
The state he's in, he'll probably order me to if I don't say yes. "Yes." Riza made sure her unspoken "but I don't have to like this one bit" was plain on her face.
Roy sat in a chair. "Riza, I—"
"It's not appropriate for you to be addressing me by my given name, Major Mustang," Riza interrupted.
Grief and pain flashed in Roy's eyes. "My god, that war…"
Riza sighed. "Why are you here?"
"I don't know… I really do want to make sure… I promised your father…"
"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself," Riza snapped.
"You always have been." Roy heaved a sigh. "That doesn't mean I don't hold myself responsible."
That's nothing new, either. Riza softened. "So… what now?"
"Now, I make my way to the top. The only good thing to come out of that war was a fast track to a promotion." It was plain that he didn't like what had gotten him there, to put it mildly. "And what will you do?"
Riza fiddled with her dog tags, the extra one not escaping Roy's notice. "I can't believe you're asking me this question. Why do you think I'm here in the first place?"
"This isn't your war."
"I made it mine when I chose to give you the secret to Flame Alchemy." Riza was resolute now. "I'm not about to let that go to waste when some higher-up decides you've gotten too dangerous."
Roy looked pained. "I'm not putting you in more danger!"
"I am." Riza made sure Roy was meeting her eyes. "So if you want to protect me, I guess you'll have to take me with you."
"I… I'd give anything to take you with me, but not like this." Roy's cheeks pinked just a little bit. "I thought I made that clear."
Riza looked at her hands. "It was a tempting offer." She took a few measured, even breaths. "It still is." Only her eyes moved so that she peered out from under her bangs. "But I chose to walk this path for a reason… Not an entirely different one, either."
Roy's grin managed to be both pained and determined at the same time. "That's only going to make it harder, you know."
"I know. But at least I won't have to spend every day wondering whether or not you'll come home safely." Riza's eyes were back on her hands. "I was worried sick. I was worried that I was going to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not strong enough to do that again for God only knows how long." Her hand unconsciously grasped the third dog tag.
Roy rose from his chair, crossed the two steps to Riza, and pulled her into a hug.
Riza pushed him back, stronger than Roy remembered. "We can't do this." She raised a hand when Roy began to speak. "I don't care who can't see or how much you or I want it. All of that is irrelevant. I don't want it to be, but it has to be." She closed her eyes, still grasping the dog tag. "We'll manage, somehow."
Roy looked around. Spying a pen, he pulled a receipt from his pocket and scribbled something on it. "Chris's address and phone number—I don't know if you still have them. You can be… Elizabeth."
Riza actually wrinkled her nose. "Really?"
Seeing shades of the young woman she'd been before their lives had so drastically changed, Roy had to smile. "Yes. Her insistence, believe it or not. The letters she forwarded for you were always under that name." He noticed Riza's slightly horrified look. "She didn't read anything—don't worry. She's just… not exactly stupid. I was berated for my dog tag stunt." He grinned sheepishly.
For a moment, the ease of a time not so long and yet an eternity ago permeated the room.
"I'm not protecting you just because I promised your father," Roy said gently.
"I know," Riza said quickly, afraid of what he'd say next. "You don't have to say anything. You shouldn't. I promise I won't forget." She smiled briefly. "But appearances need to be kept."
Roy sighed and nodded. "Give me one last moment?"
Riza thought for a moment. Her door was closed and locked and her curtains were drawn across the windows—both habit by now. "We shouldn't," she murmured, "but…" She couldn't finish the sentence, still too much at war with herself. Instead, she stepped forward and took Roy's hand in hers.
For as impulsive as he usually was, Roy was very deliberate about his next actions. He raised his free hand to cup Riza's cheek, eyes searching her face. There, between the grief and the terror and the pain and the uncertainty, he found the determination. That would have to be enough after this, he knew, but right now…
He dropped her hand and wrapped his arm around her waist, kissing her with everything he was and had and felt because, though he tried to shove the thought to the back of his mind, he knew that this could very well be the last time. Their kiss the day he'd left for Ishval had been much the same, and Roy vaguely hoped that things would end better this time.
Riza didn't try to push him away. Roy stopped before she could—as much as he wanted to make it last, he knew that he wouldn't let himself stop, and the way Riza's hands fisted in his jacket, she might not object to it not stopping anytime soon, either. The flush in her cheeks only served as further confirmation.
"I promise you," she whispered, "I'm coming with you."
"I promise you," he countered in the same low voice, "that I'm bringing you with me no matter what."
They were still standing scant inches away, but no longer touching. Riza broke gaze first and stepped back. "You need to go, Major."
Roy suppressed a grimace. She had always been so much better at this than he had. "Indeed. My apologies for intruding." He grabbed his coat and headed straight to the door. "Good night, Hawkeye."
"Good night, Major Mustang," Riza replied, just barely managing to keep the wistfulness from her voice. Only Roy would notice.
After Roy had gone, she locked the door and set about preparing for bed. At last, she lay in bed, thoughts buzzing far too much for sleep to be achievable. She had done the same after Roy had left for the front lines, hoping against hope that she'd be able to see and hold him again. Well, here they were, and seeing was better than nothing, she supposed.
The scar on her shoulder blade ached for a moment, and Riza blinked back tears of pain and rage. She knew this was going to be a difficult path for both of them, and she didn't know who she hated more for walking down it at the moment.
Well, better to get it out now—as much as it would shock some, she needed to steel herself for what was to come. It was going to be a long road.
But something—she didn't know what—gave her the feeling that some day, no matter how much danger they put themselves in, how much pain they went through, it would all be worth it.
For now, though, she pulled her knees to her chest and wept for the now that couldn't be and for the times she wouldn't have to mourn in the future.
She could barely face tonight, but tomorrow, and every day until Roy's dreams were realized, she'd have no choice but to face the day.
A/N: Jeez, this just vacillated between angst and more angst. I meant to make it more positive. Then again, this is more or less just post-Ishval and they're all broken by the things they saw and did, so there's that…
Anyway, this is actually a period I very rarely explore with these two because, quite frankly, it's so fraught and complicated and I prefer writing happier, fluffier things.
Y'all know the drill: tell me things. Preferably about the story, but if you wanna tell me what you're eating at the moment or what your favorite Disney movie is, I won't judge.