This was supposed to be a gift for my older sister amanda's birthday. In 2013. Obviously that didn't work out. But i mean, better late than never, right?
This is not meant to be taken seriously in any way, so i took some liberties with the timeline. So, it's like a pseudo season 8 au where bobby never died and adam isn't in the cage. But also cas is human, so maybe it's early season 9 without sam being possessed by an angel?
I dunno. It's crack, it doesn't have to make sense. And it most certainly does not.
Dean watched as Charlie made several fatal errors in the devil's trap she was drawing. "This was probably a horrible idea." He was teaching Charlie how to hunt, alongside Cas, Kevin, and Adam.
"It's pretty funny," Sam said from over where he was watching Kevin attempt to assemble a gun.
Bobby looked up from helping Adam translate a Latin text. Well, helping is a strong word. More like sliding a Latin dictionary across the table and hoping for the best. "Will you shut the hell up?" He looked back down, muttering, "Idjits."
Dean sighed when Cas dropped the old book he was reading. "We've got a long way to do."
Music started playing out of nowhere. Everybody looked around, bewildered.
"Let's get down to business," Dean sang suddenly. "To defeat the Huns." He slapped a hand over his mouth.
"What?" Adam said.
An invisible force pulled Dean's hand away from his mouth. "Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?"
"Holy shit," Charlie said.
"You're the saddest bunch I ever met. But you can bet, before we're through." Dean grabbed Charlie's shirt and leaned in until their faces were uncomfortably close. "Mister, I'll make a man out of you."
Sam put a hand on Dean's shoulder and tried to pull him away, but he wouldn't budge. "Dean, what are you doing?"
All of a sudden, they were at the bunker's gun range. Everyone looked around, confused as to how they got there.
Dean, still not fully in control, shot at three targets in a row, all while singing. "Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within."
Charlie, Kevin, Adam, and Cas were suddenly holding their own guns, attempting to hit their own targets.
"What is happening?" Kevin howled as they fired.
"Once you find your center," Dean sang, "you are sure to win." He walked behind them, observing their work. "You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a man out of you."
Once again, they abruptly found themselves in a different location. This time, they were digging while Dean timed them.
Cas threw some dirt over his shoulder. "I'm never gonna catch my breath."
Kevin was leaning heavily against his shovel. "Say goodbye to those who knew me."
Adam had just given up and was lying on the ground. "Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym."
Sam leaned towards Bobby. "This guy's got 'em scared to death."
"Hope he doesn't see right through me," Charlie sand, wiping sweat off of her forehead.
"Now I really wish that I knew how to swim," Cas sang.
Everyone appeared back where they started.
"Be a man," they sang in unison.
"We must be swift as a coursing river," Dean sang as he watched Charlie sketch out a perfect devil's trap.
"Be a man."
"With all the force of a great typhoon." Kevin broke down and reassembled a row of guns.
"Be a man."
"With all the strength of a raging fire." Adam translated a Latin text without glancing at the dictionary once.
"Be a man."
"Mysterious as the dark side of the moon." Cas carried a large stack of books across the room, which. Wasn't all that impressive.
Simultaneously, everyone stood up and started rocking out as the rest of the song played over the loudspeakers.
Once the music stopped playing, they all immediately stopped dancing. Charlie got up from where she had been air drumming on her knees in the middle of the floor. Dean slipped his outer shirt back on, having been swinging it over his head.
Sam looked around to see if anybody had noticed that he was thrusting his hips. "What the hell was that?"
"A thing of beauty is what it was," said a voice. Everybody turned to see a man sitting on one of the tables, eating popcorn.
"Gabriel," Dean said. "Of course you were behind this."
Gabriel threw a handful of popcorn at him. "You should be thanking me. Three and a half minutes. That's how long all of that took. If you'd been left to teach them on your own, they wouldn't have even made this much progress in three and a half months."
"How are you even alive?" Sam asked.
Gabriel just winked at him and vanished.
They stared at the table he'd been sitting on for a few minutes. Then Cas dropped his stack of books.
The music started up again.
Everyone groaned.
All of that was from memory. Hell ye.
I was originally going to have them finish the training montage, but i ran out of hunter-type things for them to do so i cheated. Fight me.
Short backstory that i've put at the end to avoid spoilers even though this is ridiculous and it doesn't really matter if i spoil it. In 2013, i started writing a series where gabriel magicked a sort of sing along where every time it fit the situation, team free will would have to sing a random disney song. Dean ended up singing the female part a whole lot. I eventually quit, but my sister was real interested in this one, so i decided to finish it as a gift.