A little bit of Ichi/Ishi get-together crack. Title ganked from manga chapter 86. Hopefully it will at least amuse someone. Spoilers only for pre-Soul Society arc events. Rated for aggressive male-male snogging and implied sex. Bleach is clearly not my koi pond, or this scene would have been rendered in exquisite manga panels long ago. Thanks as always to Dupidnagog and Mariphasa Hecatene for beta-reading and general good-sport-ness.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever since Kon started taking over his body while he was in Shinigami form, Ichigo had been rather deluged by attention from girls who had never previously expected to have a chance with him. He tried to reply to all comers as politely and neutrally as possible, but eventually the girls had a powwow, and decided he was toying with them all. They descended upon him en masse one day at lunchtime, demanding that he make his intentions known.
Suddenly, all attempts at chivalry went out the window. "Alright," Ichigo said, "You want to know what I'm interested in? Then I'll show you." All the girls became very attentive. He stalked over to Ishida, who was serenely reading a book at his desk, dragged him out of his chair, bent him over backwards, and kissed him very thoroughly. (Ishida was the natural choice, since A—everyone already knew that the Handicrafts Club president was fruitier than Carmen Miranda and therefore had nothing to lose by getting snogged by a guy, and B—the dork had very good oral hygiene so the kiss wasn't ruined by halitosis.) When Ishida had fully turned to putty in his arms, Ichigo let go (the ambushed boy slumped dazedly against a desk) and turned to say, "NOW do you get the picture?" to the stunned girls.
He was cut off midway, however, because Ishida recovered very quickly from the shock (he wouldn't have survived long as a Quincy without the ability to adapt to new situations) and—seizing what seemed to be the best chance he'd ever had to avoid dying a virgin—tackled Ichigo to the floor. Ichigo put up some resistance to this until he felt Ishida's lips brush his collarbone, and then reconsidered trying to escape.
The girls pondered the excitedly writhing pair for a moment, and then began placing bets on who was going to end up on top. Mizuiro had a look on his face that said, "I've seen two of my most formidable classmates try to screw each other's brains out in school so very many times before." Keigo was over in the corner tearing his hair and wailing that Ichigo had committed the utmost betrayal, that his eyes had been forever tainted…that he'd got 500 yen on Ishida. Rukia muttered something regarding it being about freakin' time and then helped Tatsuki hustle a wide-eyed Orihime out of the room. Chizuru wondered aloud why it couldn't be girls for heaven's sake.
Chad remained apparently aloof and unfazed, even as Ishida's necktie flew through the air to land on the desk in front of him. When he nearly got hit by Ichigo's belt, however, the tall boy got up and walked over to stand directly in front of Ishida and Ichigo (facing carefully away the entire time), blocking everyone else's view. There was a general groan of disappointment, and then the class took the hint and vacated the room.
When everyone was gone, Chad cleared his throat and asked (still without turning around), "Shall I guard the entrance till the end of lunch? That's about half an hour."
Ishida's voice floated up from behind him, with a strange intoxicated ring like he was tripping on Ichigo's reiatsu, "Why bother? I hear it's better with an audience."
Ichigo sounded equally breathless but more rational. "Shut up, pervert. Yeah, I think that'll be long enough. D'ya mind?" Chad blushed deeply, and made a rumble of assent.
The door slid open a crack and Rukia stuck her hand through, holding a small foil packet and a thin tube. "I stole these from the nurse's sex ed kit. Pass 'em on." She tossed them to Chad, who was at risk to burst some blood vessels in his cheeks, and he threw them over his shoulder like a hot potato, then ran for the exit as Ishida breathed, "Kuchiki-san is eeeeeeeviiiiiiiil."
Half an hour later, the class returned to find Ishida and Ichigo back at their respective desks, ignoring each other. However, it was soon observed that neither one was scowling nearly as effectively as usual, that Ichigo's belt had been replaced by a striped necktie, and that at Ishida's collar there could be seen a bit of brightly-colored t-shirt.