NIGHTVALE #00 - AIR SHARE
CECIL: Two wrongs do not make a right. They make a doorway to the space between spaces. It is now open, they are now free. Welcome to Nightvale.
To all those in reach of my voice, good morning. And to all those that are not.. Well what would be the point in talking to you anyway?
Listeners, I have some troubling news. It turns out that our benevolent station owners have bought-en ownership of the Desert Bluffs Community Radio station. Far be it from me to question the decisions of our faceless owns from fear of being put into the black box again but not only are we now broadcasting to the poor excuse of a town as Desert Bluffs but they have now given me... a new... partn-
KEVIN: Hello Desert Bluffs! And a special new hello to you to, Nightvale!
I am soo happy to be working side by side from now on with you Cecil! It's going to be soo much fun! I'm so glad you joined me on my radio show!
CECIL: Wait... what? YOUR show?
KEVIN: Not anymore. It's OUR show and it is going to be a better show because of it!
CECIL: Umm... ya... Let's just continue on to the daily news shall we?
KEVIN: Please by all means do go on
CECIL: Congratulations are in order for the blob who lives in the housing development out back of the elementary school on his wedding yesterday to-
KEVIN: Just one moment Cecil, what is this yesterday you speak of? You act as though there is a such thing as a past. There is only the now, a present and a future before me.
CECIL: But... what is the present when the future becomes present? Does the present not become the past?
KEVIN: No silly. there is no past, it fades from reality and exists only in the void.
I'm a firm believer in the nonexistence of the past.
CECIL: ...Well as I was saying the blob who lives in the housing development out back of the elementary school was happily married to one of the many Real estate agents that live inside the bellies of deers. In any case I wish him the best in his new step of their lives toge-.
KEVIN: Ok now its my turn.
CECIL: But I wasn't finished with my-
KEVIN: Down at the freshly regrown library there is a group of librarian forming a book donation drive so they can get other books rather than just 33 copies of the official biography of Helen Hunt. The turn out for this event isn't as high as they had hoped mainly for the fact that The Sheriffs Secret Police are standing by to arrest anyone coming up with books to donate. But once Tamika Flynn arrived to join in on the drive the sheriffs secret police quickly retreated like a hyena when the lions are still feasting on a freshly slain carcass.
Is there anything you'd like to add Cecil?
CECIL: Oh it's my turn to talk now is it? Just making sure. I know I wouldn't want to be so rude as to interrupt someone while they were speaking.
Ok? Ok so as I was saying there is now a NEW pizza restaurant in Nightvale. Pete's Pizzeria is the name and is located just right across from our long time standing little restaurant, Big Rico's Pizza. The building is a multi color changing 3 story crystal with no doors and no kitchen. You just simply walk up to the large crystal and say, "praise be the price of virtue." and then it will give u a large pasta dish full of ghosts. Actually from what I've seen that, creepy pasta, is the only thing it has on the menu. "I hope Pete's has good fire insurance," Big Rico's Pizza said , because they want to make sure their new pizza buddy is well taken care of and not because they are planning anything. "Why would you even think that" Rico said as he pulled jugs of gasoline and matches out from the trunk of his maroon Kia Spectra. "That is just crazy," he said walking over to Pete's Pizzeria with his varies flammable items in hand.
KEVIN: You know Cecil, you're need to be more uplifting. Rather than descriptions of horrific events and fear-laced bulletins about lurking dangers and imminent peril, you should focus on more positive thinking, motivational messages.
CECIL: Like they do in Strexcorp? or DID. Seeing as Strexcorp has been bought out by the angels that I wont acknowledge exist.
KEVIN: And isn't that just a shame.
CECIL: -big sigh- You are really starting to bug me... Just get on with the traffic report already.
KEVIN: Boy do you got a terminal case of the grumps. I think Strexcorp had a cure for that.
CECIL: Just get on with it!
KEVIN: Traffic looks good today. No accidents atleast none that weren't already planned to happen. there is a little congestion in the highways, mainly because Nightvales transit system is still under repair. That one blue sports car really should drive more carefully.
CECIL: And now it's time for the daily horoscope.
Virgo. They are watching you right now... and they aren't very impressed by what they are seeing.
Libra. Take a break, you work too hard. Maybe you should go see a movie.
Scorpio. Has anybody even noticed how Scorpio sounds like Scorpion? That's not me saying this, that is actually what the stars are saying.
Sagittarius. Run! Run now! Run! It is coming for you! Run!
Capricorn. That wasn't lemonade you just drank... I wouldn't try to think too much on it if I were you...
Aquarius. The score is 14 to 6 and it is in halftime right now.
Pisces. No matter if the glass is half full or half empty your life is still short and easily lost.
Ares. Visit Big Rico's while you can.
Torus. I wouldn't turn my back on the trees if I were you. I think they are plotting something.
Gemini. Expect a very boring day. Expect it up until it no longer is.
Cancer. I'm starting to run out of ideas for these things... Hmm... that's a weird message for the stars to relay.
Leo. Maybe you should have tacos tonight. Yeah. Tacos sounds good.
That has been this weeks horoscopes. And now to... Umm... Kevin... What is this?
KEVIN: Oh that? I thought this place was so dreary and depressing so i thought i'd brighten up the place. Doesn't our little radio room look much better now?
CECIL: Teeth... human teeth... they're everywhere. Where did you even get them all?!
KEVIN: There were some interns in the other room and they didn't look like they needed them so i just borrowed them. Their screaming and crying showed that they didn't mind at all that i was borrowing them.
CECIL: -big sigh- To the families of interns Enter Name Here, and stormageddon dark lord of all third, we regret to inform you that your son was lost in the line of community radio duty, and that he will be missed, and never forgotten. But to the family of intern Jeff. Well Jeff was a bit of a jerk and you as well as I are going to be much happier without him. And while I inform Kevin of the reasons that its not nice to disembowel and remove the teeth of our interns please listen to these prerecorded messages.
CECIL: Life is nonexistent, all you experience can not be proven. What is the point of even living? Dish Network. Use their 300 channels to fill the hole in your meaningless existence.
KEVIN: Do you remember a time when choices were made for you? Strexcorp remembers. Do you remember a time where all did was work for hours on end till your fingers and eyes bled from exhaustion; only to go back to your Strexcorp approved living corner and sleep the allowed 30 minutes just to get up and do the same routine all over again? Strexcorp remembers. Strexcorp Synernists Incorporated. Time travel is legal now so why not go back to a simpler and more controlled time.
CECIL: You're getting your viscera and teeth on my side of the-!
KEVIN: Then stop leaving your lighthouse pic-!
CECIL: How about you stop interrupting me first! Listeners, it is going to take us a little longer to come to an understanding. So while you are waiting let me take you to-
KEVIN: The weather.
CECIL: OK THAT'S IT!
*THE WEATHER*
CECIL: Welcome back listeners. It is me, Cecil, your one and ONLY radio host welcoming you back. During the weather our almighty station management spat out a letter from their office saying, there was a mistake made. They did not buy Desert Bluffs Community Radio Station to give me a new partner; they bought it in hopes of teaching Desert Bluffs to be more intelligent and less useless.
Before we bring things to a close i have one last piece of news. There was a fire at one of Nightvales pizzeria's. Big Rico's is now ashes in an unsolved arson case. So feel free to dine at Pete's Pizzeria right across the torched remains of Big Rico's Pizza.
So as a sign of good well to my fellow radio host, I'll let Kevin end the program. Kevin?
KEVIN: Well Nightvale, It's a shame our getting to know each other had to end soo soon. But it was fun getting to work hand in hand with you Cecil.
CECIL: No... No it wasn't...
KEVIN: Oh... well; i suppose it's time to end, stay tuned for the meaning of life which is just images of your life from birth to death played in reverse from your radios, until next time Nightvale, until next time...