An Apple Ad
(starring the Discworld Death)
Disclaimer: I do not own Death, Albert, Susan or Lobsang. Terry Pratchett does and I'm very thankful for that. While many people own Macs and iPods and other iGadgets (I own none, though – tuition money comes first), the trademarks all belong to Apple which belongs to His Steveness Mr. Jobs and a bunch of shareholders. I do have all the rights to the idea of the ad, though (Apple executives, if you're interested, I can be easily bought).
SCENE: Death's Study.
We see Death's desk and on it a shiny black iMac with a bone-white skull'n'bone motif.
Narrator: As part of the advanced stages of the Switch campaign, we at Apple have taken upon ourselves the task of interviewing happy and satisfied Apple customers on our iTV channel so that the 90 of the computing world that doesn't own a gadget with a stylized bitten apple on it can take the hint and get one already. Today we meet one of the afore-mentioned customers.
Enters Death and sits on his chair.
Death: I AM VERY PLEASED WITH THIS INTRIGUING LITTLE PIECE OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY. THE ImAC HAS PROVEN ITSELF OF IMMEASURABLE VALUE TO ME. IT HELPS ME WITH MY MANY APPOINTMENTS AND CLIENTS WITH THE MAC OS ADDRESS BOOK.
Camera zooms to the screen of the iMac and we see many names and addresses in the Address Book application scrolling very fast.
Death (continues): WHEN WORK GETS TOO MUCH FOR ME AND I WANT TO HAVE A REST, I CAN RELAX TO SOME MUSIC WITH ItUNES OR I CAN ENJOY PICTURES ALBERT HAS TAKEN WITH THE ICONOGRAPH WHEN SUSAN AND HER YOUNG MAN COME TO VISIT. MY MAC INSTANTLY CONNECTS WITH ANY ICONOGRAPH AND DOWNLOADS THE PICTURES FROM THE LITTLE DEMON INSIDE. IT JUST WORKS.
We see iPhoto with many albums in it. One is selected and viewed in a slideshow.
Death: AH. HERE IS LITTLE YSABELL'S FIRST BABY PICTURE.
Camera takes a position over Death's shoulder, who is sat in front of the iMac. There is a door in the background which opens to reveal Albert, carrying a mug. He walks in and places the mug on the desk, the camera following him.
Albert: Here is your tea with rancid yak butter, Master.
Death: THANK YOU, ALBERT. I WAS GOING TO TELL OUR GUESTS HOW USEFUL THE MAC IS TO YOU.
Camera turns to a frontal view of Albert.
Albert (speaking to the camera): Yes, I really enjoy using the Mac. With Safari, I can browse the Web in search of recipes without any annoying pop-up windows. I have compiled quite a list of recipes I've found on the Internet. In fact, in the next version of Mac OS X Apple will introduce a new application to the iLife suite – iGreasedCookbook, which will contain the most exciting recipes I have gathered – stuff ranging from fried fish and fried sausages inna bun to fried chocolate and fried pancakes.
Camera does a close-up of Death.
Death: THE MAC WORKS SEAMLESSLY WITH ALL KINDS OF PERIPHERALS WITHOUT THE NEED FOR DRIVERS. IF I WANT A NEW MOUSE, I JUST HAVE TO PLUG IT IN AND IT JUST WORKS.
We see a close view of Death operating his mouse, which is actually the Death of Rats. When Death 'clicks' its head, it bites his bony finger and snickers.
Death of Rats: SNH. SNH. SNH.
Death: WIRELESS MICE WORK TOO.
Camera moves a bit, still focusing on Death.
Death (continues): THE MAC OS IS FANTASTIC – IT IS EASY TO USE, POWERFUL, FAST AND RELIABLE. IT IS THE OPERATING SYSTEM OF TOMORROW BROUGHT TO YOU TODAY. I EVEN LIKE THE NAMING CONVENTION THEY USE FOR EACH VERSION BECAUSE I LIKE CATS. THE ONLY BAD THING ABOUT THE MAC OS IS THE TIME MACHINE FEATURE BECAUSE MY GRANDDAUGHTER SUSAN'S YOUNG MAN BECOMES REALY UPSET WHEN HE IS AROUND IF SOMEBODY IS USING THE TIME MACHINE.
Death looks expectantly at Albert. A moment of uneasy silence follows.
Death: THIS IS A PUN OR A PLAY ON WORDS BECAUSE SUSAN'S YOUNG MAN IS THE PERSONIFICATION OF TIME. IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. WON'T YOU LAUGH, ALBERT?
Albert (sarcastically): Haha, Master. I'll go fry an apple and bite it.
END