I never had much luck with men

I never had much luck with men. Or, maybe I did, but it was like Bronze to the Gold that I wanted. And it didn't come from lack of exposure. Both in the world of physics and the air force, I was surrounded by them. But, uncomfortable and desperate to prove myself, I never really slowed down for any of the crushes directed my way. Only a few men managed to make me stop and stare.

Of course there was Daniel, in whom I found a sort of kindred spirit. Smart, sweet, and a thousand times more awkward than I could ever be. He was the object of my girlish fantasies, the ones I permitted because I knew they only were and could only be fantasies. After all, he had Sha're, the almost ephemeral goal we all saw on the horizon. She was real to Daniel and, at his lowest moments of hatred and self pity, I could see that all of it was born from his need to be reunited with the happiest time of his life. He was more of a brother to me, anyway, teasing me about the lieutenants and the scientists who shyly glanced my way or occasionally going for the Holy Grail, the last blue jello, because he knew it irked me.

Still, I allowed the fantasies to go on. IT was silly, but it was a comfort. Only his death would ultimately put a stop to the fantasies. When he returned, I could barely stand to tell him that, no, we were never together. It might have been nice, but I knew perfectly well that we wouldn't have worked well together. Not like that.

Then, there was Martouf. He wasn't like the men on Earth, who saw me as a packaged deal of Brains and Beauty. To him and Lantesh, I was a reflection of perfection. When I saw him, the ache in my heart was so painfully acute. When we touched, the intense stir of emotion was more than anything I'd ever experienced. I knew that, on some divine level, the emotion I felt for him was real. But on every other level it, too, was a reflection. He saw Jolinar in me, even after he'd come to know me as Sam of the SGC. I was beautiful to him because he had been Jolinar's mate in life, and I knew he was beautiful to me for the same reason. So I never truly indulged in any romantic feelings for him.

It paid off, in the end. When Martouf died, I was already tangled in feelings for another man, which made the mourning marginally easier. Not much- Natural feelings or not, I had loved him- but at least I could bear the pain of his loss.

What I couldn't bear was the true object of my affection. Colonel O'Neill, Sir, Jack or "Jack-ass" as many would call him, was the worst man I could have fallen in love with. What fantasies I had indulged in with Daniel were nothing to the smoldering thoughts Jack could evoke in the dead of night. What familiarity I felt with Martouf was a mere acquaintanceship to the utter comfort I felt around Jack.

It was wrong. He was my senior officer, on my own team, forbidden by military protocol. He was older than me, too old. He was divorced, with a child six feet under and an almost-adopted son recovering from the atrocities of the goa'uld half a galaxy away. I reminded myself again and again that I couldn't. That he was bitter and sarcastic, that he took too much pleasure in ribbing us. But the idea that he could –and did- return my feelings was more flattering than all the pup-eyed gazes from all the lieutenants in the SGC. I loved him, wanted to love him. I cared desperately what he thought of me but, gently, he taught me to stop caring, to stop putting up the tough front.

The day Martouf died, Jack and I were forced to admit our feelings, and thus bury them. But I could still indulge in the late night fantasies, ad I did with Daniel, though Jack's invasions into my dreams were fewer and far more potent. Then, Daniel taught me the danger of fantasies, so I stopped.

Jonas came, but he might as well have been Teal'c for all the romance I could muster for him. I loved him, and I loved Teal'x, but they were my team members. Comrades. My heart couldn't feel affection beyond the longing for the brothers my parents had never given me. In this, I was lucky. I could lick my wounds under their protective watches, content to know that my treacherous heart couldn't possibly screw up what I had with them.

Time passed, but my feelings for Jack didn't. Jonas left. Daniel returned, and I desperately sought out someone who I could love without restraint.

Pete should have been perfect. Our relationship was founded on good old-fashioned courtship. He was intelligent, kind, and he cared for me and no one else. I planned to marry him. Sometimes, late at night, I swear I should have married him.

But Jack was always there, feigning dumbness, playing with m y lab until I wanted to slap him, cracking jokes at the worst possible times. He knew just how to tug at my heart and reawaken the feelings he knew I was trying to bury. I still loved him, more than I could ever love Pete. Good, safe, kind Pete.

How could Pete and I survive on anything short of true love when our jobs forced us to keep secrets from one another and put our lives on the line. How could we stay together when, once a week, I traveled through a gateway that showed me greater wonders than he ever could?

Pete and I separated, and I lamented the loss of my one chance for a normal marriage. Then, Jack left for Washington. Teal'c returned to his people. Daniel devoted himself to the Atlantis project. There was nothing to keep me. I went off to my own work, and ached for the loves I'd wished for and those I'd rejected.

Orlin, the Ancient who had given me, a mere human, his heart. The Ancient who had once become human to be with me, who would someday do it again to save us all. And Fifth, the replicator whose feelings for me had brought him to is doom. I could have guided him along a better road if I'd had the courage to find a way. Why couldn't I have loved them? If I had to love, why couldn't some good come of it?

Mitchell came, and I peered closely, wondering if the loneliness I had grown so accustomed to could be cured by him. He was sarcastic, like Jack, but the similarities stopped there. He was a country boy, wide-eyed and so eager it frustrated him. He made me laugh to hard, just because I wanted to laugh- one didn't laugh at Jack's jokes. I loved his smiles, the team building activities he introduced that didn't involve fishing in fishless lakes or the re-runs of the Simpsons. I loved the way he spoke his mind, never keen on keeping us in the dark. I loved so many things about him, but I didn't love him. Cam Mitchell was the first younger brother figure I had encountered. I doted on him, smiled at him, but there was no spark.

Maybe here'll never be a spark for anyone but Jack again. I've come to terms with it, and though they'll all be in my heart, it is Jack's picture that finds its way into my bag as I prepare to leave this muddled galaxy. I suppose it's just my luck that I found my Gold, but could never touch it. That's fine. That's luck, and all I can do is roll with the punches fate throws my way.