This is something a little different than my usual fare. I wrote it in basically two sittings rather than agonizing over it 97 times like I normally do...as I said, this is just a standalone one-shot set post-Forgiving Rollins. It's set in the Those Graces universe, but you don't need to have read any of that for this to make sense (and for those of you who have read it, there's not really any major 'future spoilers' for anything beyond ch 28).

I would love to know what you all think, so don't be shy!

A/N: minor mentions of past violence. Title and quotes from mercy of the fallen by Dar Williams.

{oh my fair north star
I have held to you dearly
I have asked you to steer me
until one cloud scattered night
I got lost in my travels}

"Amanda?"

You had seen her through the window in your office that looks out onto the squadroom, head tilted downward so that she appeared to be concentrating intently on whatever she was writing, but even from a distance you could tell she was doing nothing more than doodling.

She looks up so fast that you worry she might have whiplash. "Sergeant."

You nod toward your office, not wanting to look like you were calling her out on the carpet while everyone in the room was pretending that they weren't watching. She nods back and hurries over to you, all but breaking out into a run, and you notice that her hands are shaking badly.

"Go ahead and sit down," you say, taking a seat in the chair beside hers so you weren't looming over her from behind the desk. You prop your elbow up on the armrest, rubbing the bridge of your nose with your thumb and forefinger to try and ease the throbbing there. God, how you would kill for a latte right about now. "I owe you an apology. Several, actually."

"Searg-"

You shake your head, waving your fingers dismissively. "Olivia."

"Right, sorry. Olivia. I-"

"Can you just let me talk?" you ask, instantly regretting your tone. "Sorry. I'm..." shit at apologies, you can almost hear Brian's voice saying.

"It's okay." She instantly presses her lips together like she feels guilty for replying, and at this rate you'll still be trying to actually start the conversation an hour from now.

"I just want you to know that- from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry about how this all went down. I would never want anyone being in your position, having all this shit dredged up and being put on the spot to...it's a shitty situation, period, and I'm sorry there wasn't more I could do to shield you from everything blowing up in your face."

She shakes her head, eyes closing briefly. "That's not your job. None of this would've happened if I wasn't so chicken shit in the first place and had just dealt with my problems like a big girl."

"No one thinks you're at fault, Amanda...definitely not me. I'd be a pretty big hypocrite if..." You sigh, exhausted on so many levels, and push your hair back from your forehead. "Look. I didn't call you in here so you could listen to me talk about my own issues. But from a personal standpoint- you did something I've never really been able to. And I admire you for it."

"You mean..."

"Yeah. There's something about having to say it, that I was raped-" You let out a humorless laugh. "And see, right there, you're only the second person I've said that to voluntarily. I told the bare minimum that I had to and beyond that...there's one other person, and I was really just telling him what he already knew. There's still things that only he knows, that I never mentioned to Barba or the doctors or IA or, well, anyone. Because there's nothing they could do, nothing could change it. I just wanted to move on."

"But you did something about it. Me, I knew better...I just went home and stood in the shower for, I dunno. An hour? Maybe two? Time just...stopped. Then I went to bed and I told myself okay, Mand, when you wake up it's time to put it all behind you. When has that ever worked for anybody?"

You think about what happened in the bathroom on your last day at the beach house, about what happened in the backseat of a car parked at the end of a gravel road. How even after so long, you still cling to the idea that there's some things the world didn't get to know, that you still have a tiny shred of privacy that hasn't been taken away. Because as much of a sick sense of relief as you had when you finally let those last secrets go- it was completely your own decision, in your own time. You don't know that Amanda had that same luxury. "If this whole...incident has taught me anything, it's that I'm great at telling other people what they should do and how they should feel. I've got that part down. But it was a huge wake up for me to realize just how hard it is to take my own advice, y'know?"

"That's my problem! I mean, I knew what everyone was thinking. You're a cop, and yet you can't figure out it's a bad idea to get drunk and go off alone with your boss? When he's already tried shit with you before? If I saw anyone else doing that I'd say girl, what the hell are you doing? Get your stupid ass out of there!"

"No, you wouldn't." She blinks twice, surprised by how quick you are to disagree. "I'll tell you the same thing my new therapist told me. She said- you would never talk to anyone else the way you talk to yourself. And I know she's probably right, but..."

"But you expect way more from yourself," Amanda says, a little smile of recognition on her face.

"Yeah. I do. I...years ago, there was a situation and. And I got hurt. And I blamed myself for not noticing I was getting into something really bad until it was too late. But I never thought- I guess somehow I thought that from then on, no one was gonna fuck with me again. I was too smart for that. Turns out I wasn't."

"No. Liv- he was a predator. A monster. Smart's got nothing to do with that, 'less you mean you were smart enough to figure out how to survive. Cause you were."

You shake your head, and all it does is shake loose a tear that was forming in the corner of your eye. "You think you know what you'd do in certain situations, right? And then you end up doing things you never thought you would and...it's like I didn't, don't, know myself anymore."

"I think I've got the opposite problem. I know what a fuck up I am, I just never seem to be able to do anything about it. I try and I blow it and...I get that you're trying to make me feel better or something, but I don't need it. I don't expect sympathy from anyone, least of all you."

You bristle at that last sentence, but yet- you can't honestly say you don't deserve it. "I feel like we never- I never really gave you a chance. And that's nothing to do with you, other than you happened to show up at a time when I wasn't exactly interested in making friends. You know the whole story, I'm sure."

"Oh no, that's your busi-"

"Rollins, save it," you say, not unkindly. "This place is like a middle school girls' bathroom when it comes to gossip, I have no illusion of privacy. But I appreciate you pretending that you don't know."

She nods. "Anytime."

"So like I was saying- you caught me at a really shitty time. Nick too, but he and I spent enough time together that I got to know him and then stopped, uh, being a bitch. You and I didn't have that. Not to mention...again, according to my therapist, I have a hard time forming relationships with other women. Which is completely wrong. I have a hard time forming relationships with anybody."

That got a little grin from her. "Don't think so. Everyone loves you. Everyone."

"You don't."

"I. It's not like...wow. I don't even know how to say this without coming off like a complete asshole."

"Whatever it is, I guarantee you I've heard worse," you say, thinking of the countless screaming matches you've been in over the last year and a half...hell, even the last few weeks. "Off the record. Just be straight with me."

"Part of me was...after everything that happened, people were so nice to you. And they should've been! But I...guess I resented you getting all this concern when I didn't. Which was totally my fault, I get it. No one feels bad for someone who's already the department bicycle, yeah? And the whole reason I couldn't tell him to fuck off in the first place- if I hadn't gotten myself in way over my head from gambling, he wouldn't have anything to hold over my head. So I get it, I'm the one to blame. I own it."

You tap your fingers together before pressing your fingertips against your tightly pursed lips, frowning in thought and then scoffing quietly to yourself. "Aman-"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said anything. I don't want you to think that I envied you, because-"

"No, I get it, it wasn't about me, it was envy over other people's reaction to me. I can see where you're coming from. I just- I'm sitting here thinking this is so ridiculous, because just a few minutes ago I was listening to you and I thought...I would've given anything to go home, shower, sleep, and never have it brought up again." To never have to hear an 'I'm sorry' when someone has nothing else to say, to not have to put on a happy face just so people will stop covertly watching you like some sort of pathetic zoo animal who might do a trick. "How's that for irony?"

"So you don't think I'm crazy fucked up. On this, at least."

"Nah, I get it. You already felt like it was your fault-"

"What? I never said that, no," she promises.

"Amanda. Don't. A long time ago...I accidentally overheard you and Nick talking about it one day a month or so after I came back. You two were arguing about me and you said that- how did you put it? That I was a gun ready to go off." It still hurts, you admit it, no matter how much she was right about you.

What little bit of color is left in her cheeks is instantly drained away. "Oh god. Liv, I'm sorry, I never meant for you to hear that. Shit- I knew it! I still remember, when we went back to our desks you'd left a note for Nick saying you were on some errand, but then you didn't come back and. I told him you heard us, and he didn't believe me. Fuck!"

"Yeah, I...I was upset, but that's not your fault. You were telling the truth. I just don't like people calling me on my bullshit. Not when I thought I was doing such a good job of keeping it together."

"You were," she insists despite your doubtful expression. "I'd think...jesus, Amanda, what's your excuse for being such a fuckup when she's had it so much worse? Like, I can't even pretend to be okay cause...you know what I do? I ask myself, what's the worst possible thing I could do right now, and then I go and do it before I even know what's going on."

"Amanda...you really piss me off sometimes, I'm not gonna say you don't, but...the minute I start to judge you, I think a lightning bolt would come down from the sky and strike me dead, because I've done some incredibly self destructive things of my own. And you know that, I'm sure you do. Like I said, no illusion of privacy here. So whatever Nick told you about me, it's probably true."

"Oh, Nick doesn't-"

"What'd I tell you? Don't bother. Better yet, ask him about the time he showed up at my door while I had...company. I got dressed in a hurry and couldn't find my bra until he found it for me. Yeah. So that's a funny one if you haven't heard it already. But now..." You reach over to your desk and pick up your phone, smiling at the picture on your lock screen. It was taken last summer, not long after you had gotten Noah, and any casual observer would see a man and woman and a baby and assume they were a family. "I look at this all the time because I need a reminder of what could be. This is what I'm working toward, I want Noah to have a stable environment and I want him to have a father who's going to be in his life consistently, but it's up to me to make it happen. And depending on who you ask, I might not be doing such a good job of that."

"For what it's worth, Nick always talks about what a good momma you are and what a happy baby Noah is. I mean, not 'always' like we talk a lot outside of work or whatever, but-"

"Rollins, for the love of christ- I know. I consider it my business to get into Nick's business, same as he does to me. Only difference is, I don't interfere like some meddling old lady."

"Oh. So I guess you...then why did you let me stay? It would've been a good excuse, I pretty much just handed it to you. There wouldn't be any hard feelings or whatever," but the way she bit her lip clearly indicated that there would be.

"As long as it doesn't start causing problems for me personally- then I really don't care. I have enough drama in my own life without worrying what everyone else is doing. Besides...once again, I don't have any room to talk about getting involved with coworkers."

Her eyes light up and it tells you exactly how much gossip about you she really does know. "Nick said you told him you never had, not until last Christmas, you and...you know who. Uh." She squirms in her seat and laughs uncomfortably. "Sorry. That is...not my business."

"No, God, what Nick told you, he was right. But that's not who I was talking about. See? When you have to ask 'now which one of the coworkers you've slept with are you talking about?'...I think that officially means I shouldn't be the one to judge."

"Oh yeah! Because you and Brian hooked up like ten times when he worked here and... know what, I'm gonna stop talking."

"It was not ten times! It was three, and why can't anyone ever get that right?" you grumble. "Three times. So don't believe everything you hear. But what I'm trying to say is, I don't have a problem with it until it becomes my problem, so don't let that happen and we're good."

"It won't be, I promise you. Besides...I'm pretty sure it's not even a thing anymore, so..."

"I know. And that's okay if it's what you both think you need. But whatever you decide- you need to talk to him about it. I'm saying this strictly as Nick's friend. I don't know what's going on because like I said, I don't interfere, but I do know that...just give him that much. Give yourself that much. And this is where I get out of the relationship advice business." You stopped thinking about the hilarity of you telling people to talk things out when something else occurred to you. "Unless you don't want to stay. If you decided you need a new start, I'd understand, I'd do whatever I could to help."

She purses her lips and her eyes track side to side like she thinks this might be a trick. "I don't. I mean, I want to stay here. I...yeah. If you want me to."

"I do. Look, I'm not saying we're instantly best friends now that we've had this little moment. We both know that's not how things work. But I owe it to you to actually give you a chance as you, without my bullshit getting in the way."

"Liv, no, you don't owe me shit."

"No matter what you think about me, or what you thought my opinion of you was, you still came through when I needed it. I know- and don't tell me I'm wrong- I know you guys went out of your way to shield me from...certain things. After...I got hurt. And I know you were a big part of that. At the time, I didn't like it, I didn't think I needed to be protected but...you were looking out for me. Even if you resented me at the same time, you didn't make me feel less than, and that's huge."

"Nah. You deserved it. You'd do the same for me."

You're ashamed to admit to yourself that she might be wrong. "I'm trying. But God...this is ridiculous, but you know what Nick told me once a long time ago? He said forgiveness isn't something you do for other people. It's something you do for yourself."

"Oh, that wasn't Nick. That was Oprah."

"You're right. But I think...where I'm at now, I'm kinda stuck. And I'm not gonna be able to forgive myself and move on until I can do the same thing for others. Which will probably take a long time. But I'm trying, because I can't expect anyone else to give me a chance until they've seen I can let go of the past. And I'm trying to do this in between chasing after a kid who is this close to just standing up and walking off."

Your phone buzzes and you both look down at it. "That your man?"

"For today," you joke, because...well, it's funny cause it's true.

"I should, uh. I'll let you take that." She's seen and heard enough to know that this conversation might be something she doesn't even want to be in the vicinity of. "I'll be at my desk."

"No, no. Hon, I need a second here- yeah. Amanda, you go home. Get some sleep. Take care of yourself. It's not a punishment, I just need one of us to be halfway functional, and I have more faith in you than me. Oh, and- Amanda?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." She mock-salutes before she turns to leave and you go back to the phone. "Sorry about that, hon. What? Oh, yeah. I'm on the apology tour today...which is kinda why I called. Think you could come by tonight?"

{if your sister or your brother
were stumbling on their last mile
in a self-inflicted exile
wish for them a humble friend

there's the wind and the rain and the mercy of the fallen
who say 'hey, it's not my place to know what's right'
there's the weak and the strong and the many stars that guide us
we have some of them inside us}