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A/N : Another one written for LaPaige's 101Prompt Challenge, this one's sorta a tie in with Friends, the first CR fic I wrote for the same challenge?
Though you can read this one alone, but I suggest you go read Friends first.. Nothing pivotal or significant just cause there'll be a better flow.. =)
Dedicated to LaPaige, charmed4eva112 and WhenLightingStrikes for awesomely reviewing.! Thanks!! If you want one dedicated to you too all you've to do is click that littel review button.. xP
Anyhow... Enjoy..
Lovers.
His fingers glided over the smooth glass covering the picture, although he couldn't honestly tell how smooth. He was numb, completely and irrevocably numb. He wasn't emotionally numb, or spiritually numb. He was just numb. He couldn't feel anything. Through and through.
He felt it within every member of his being. His heart ached, and not in a good way. His hands closed in on the papers crushed in his fist between his fingers, gripping it tighter than ever.
He'd been praying to God over and over the past two days, begging, on his knees, sore from exhaustion, but still on his knees at the edge of his bed. His body leaned against the bed, his elbows propped on top of the satin comforter. "Oh God.. Dear Jesus.. Good God our heavenly Father.." he groaned into the soft bed, his fingers clasped together tightly, paper unyielding beneath his fingers.
A tear never dared to travel down his cheeks. His body simply wouldn't allow it. He wouldn't allow it. If he felt now, if he hurt now, the pain would never stop. Never.
Shane Gray finally gave up on his unanswered prayers and his knees relaxed, leaving him to crumble to the floor, a limp body splayed across the rough carpet. He dug his fingers into the thick carpet, begging his senses to feel Caitlyn's soft hair, her smooth skin, her moist lips. Anything that resembled the things that he desired most right then.
But instead he almost hears the tires back up from the driveway and screech to a halt just after the red light.
His eyes closed and he gripped the balled up sheets in his hands tighter.
Shane,
I fall short of what I imagined myself to be.
He could almost hear her voice in his head. Almost. Her firecracker, bubblegum personality convey through her words.
The truth is, though, my body is just going with my soul now. I died a long time ago, it's just kind of hard to notice when your heart keeps pumping the same blood over and over again as if nothing happened.
What makes this the hardest is the fact that this one thing I'm doing is probably going to taint every single other memory we've ever had. I wish there was a way to make this easy, but there's not. And that makes me feel so damned selfish because all this is supposed to do is make things easier... for me at least.
At first, all this was very smooth and simple wasn't it? I mean, the soft whisperings of our late night calls, meeting up at a small quaint café and then having sex in the back of your car because we can't wait to get back to my place or a hotel? God, just thinking of it is enough to not make me want to do this. I wish it had been enough for us to keep it up, or despicable enough to break it off.
But it wasn't, and I lived my miserable existence for years only feeling alive with you. Which is why I'm writing to you. I want me to be alive even after finish this letter, walk this to the drop off box and park my car on a train track and wait for it to collide. Does that even make sense?
Anyways, it's probably been a couple of days, right? The visitations should be soon along side all the fake sympathy that'll come pouring in the forms of "In my thoughts..." and "So sorry for your loss" cards. Yeah, right. I was never in their thoughts, and they sure as hell aren't sorry. Admit it, I sorta became a frigid bitch after my company started taking off didn't I? But that's what happens when you start a business, and shut out everyone who cares when you start screwing your best friend's husband.
Wow. Look at what I'm saying here. You have to believe me when I say that this letter is not meant to make you feel guilty, or make myself look like the poor innocent bystander who got hurt amongst it all cause we both know that's not true. The first time at that bar had been a mistake, but that night at the reunion, that had been choice, as were every other night after that.
What was I thinking Shane? I slept with a married man, the married man being you. God, what was I thinking? What were you thinking? What were we? You were married! Married! To my best friend! And I slept with you anyway. Again. And again. And again. For 6 years. 6 freaking years. Wow. Was it really that long? I can't believe Mitchie never found out. But then again, she was heads over heels in love with you. She still is.
But you don't love her anymore, do you? I get it, she was THE ONE all those years ago, she understood you, she was your music, she was your first love, but I was your last, and I always will be. You just remember that.
I know I'm not that cute bubbly girl I was in Camp Rock anymore, trust me, I know that. I mean, I've slept with at least five different men in the past week, (all in attempt to get at you, or at least capture that feel of being with you) I'm addicted to four different kinds of prescription pills, I drink like a fish and I smoke like a freaking chimney. I'm a complete train wreck. Oh, the irony of that huh?
I know, I know, now's not the time to make jokes, Caitlyn, right? But come on, it's funny; I mean it's not like someone died right? Ooops, there I go again, huh? I've got to say though, pun absolutely intended.
I think you'll forgive if you don't find all this funny because this has gotta be like the 7thglass of wine I've had so far while I'm writing this and it's only midday. But you see, as much of a drunk, crack whore I am, you're still that stubborn arrogant bastard that I've always been in love with. Even when I never dared admit it cause you were with my best friend.
I just laughed at the time, and I'm laughing at this very moment. Yeah, I love you. I love you Shane Gray, and you loved me. You were married, and you fell in love with me. You hated that. I loved it.
As much as we tried to convince ourselves that it was just something we did, something we needed, that we were just friends, I was in love with you. And I know you feel something for me too.
But I can't do it anymore. I mean, come on Shane, I'm 27 year old grown woman and somewhere between now and all those years ago in camp rock with all the ideals I had in mind, this was not one of them. You gotta admit, something went so horribly wrong between then and now. I mean, who knew it was so hard running a multi million dollar international record label? Who knew love would be so complicated and sticky? Who knew life was such a bitch?
I fall short of who I imagined I'd be all those years ago Shane. And I can't be more ashamed of this person I've become.
I know that killing myself isn't going to make it better, but it's the easy way out. For me at least. Because I know it means that it'll never go away, no matter what. And I want you to know that. You'll always love me, Shane, and I'll always be the one who got away.
I love you. And I know that from now on, I'll always be on your mind. One way or another.
XOXO
Cait.
Another wave of heart wrenching, gut kicking, stomach churning pain wafted through his body, hitting him with such force that he felt it reverting through his numb soul.
He couldn't believe it. He still couldn't. It was just his luck. He couldn't love Caitlyn when she was standing in front of him, breathing the same air as him. But he could love her now, now that she was a cold, dead corpse six feet under.
What kind of screwed up logic was that?
Oh, God. Tears threatened to fall, leaking out of his closed lids and onto his hot cheeks.
He loved her. He. Loved. Her.
Shane finally got it. After everything, he finally got it.
They were more than just friends. They'd always been more than just friends. They were partners. Soul mates.
Lovers.
End.
A/N : This author is not in favor of silent readers.. So let me know your thoughts.. Liked it, didn't like it..
I'm up for long reviews and constructive critism.. So.. Please proceed to press that little button.. haha..=)