Title: Doubt
Disclaimers: NCIS, the rights to the show and its characters do not belong to me. No money was made by this. "It's Only Me" is a song by Vertical Horizon, I do not own that either.
A/N: English is not my native language. So please forgive me my grammar and spelling mistakes.
Spoilers: Episodes Bête Noir, Reveille, Kill Ari I & II, Semper Fi, Aliyah, Truth Or Consequences, Reunion
Pairing: shockingly none, kind of a character study
Summary: The doubt and distrust was always present, in herself and the way the others treated her.
A/N2: Meh. I don't love this piece. But I needed to write something, with the overall suckiness of the last few episodes and all. Let me know what you think.
A/N3: Still looking for a native speaker of the English language to beta a Tiva story.

I am the savior
And I am my brother
Holding me in locking me out
Different room for a different doubt
~ Vertical Horizon "It's Only Me" ~

It was her biggest fear. Becoming her brother.

As a child, she had loved and adored Ari. He had been her everything besides Tali and their father. She would have broken down if she had lost him. Then he had joined Mossad, and they had grown a bit distant, until she joined herself. It was only then, the first time she was on the streets with her brother, that she realized what he was doing for a living. She had known it, yes, but there was a difference between knowing and seeing. That was the day the pedestral she had placed him on crumbled to dust, and she saw eye to eye with him. Saw that he was a human with as many flaws as herself.

In her first week at NCIS, she had saved the life of their Medical Examiner. She had not been proud of that, but seen her failure in her actions previous of the death of the other doctor. She should have been able to notice something off about the woman earlier, notice they were walking right into trouble. If Gibbs had taken her knife, too, they would all have been killed, and it would have been her fault. She was the one with the special training, the one that should be able to sense when something was going on. Then, later, she had come to Tony's rescue, and he coined the phrase of Ninja Savior. She did not like it, but let it pass, allowed him to have his fun. They only knew the part of her that would come and protect them like a lioness. They had not seen her work for Mossad before, the way she had even abandoned a team member when the order came and extracting him would have been too great a risk. She would never do that to her new team at NCIS. Because despite all their differences, despite the flaws in their pasts and everything, they were her family. Her new family that had no idea what a ruthless killer she could really be, what she was capable of doing.

And then Michael came, and she fell for him, fell right back into her Mossad ways. She kept secrets from her team, from the people that had become her family, that trusted her. And she pulled a gun on her partner. Not just once, when she ran into her apartment and did not know what to expect. But the second time, in Tel Aviv, the second time it had been deliberate. She had known what she was doing, through her anger and pain, she had still been thinking. Enough not to pull the trigger, that was a given. But oh, how she had wanted to, how she had wanted to hurt him, to kill him and make the others feel the amount of pain she was in. She did not do it, though. But during all the months in Somalia, at the hands of those filthy men, she had enough time to think about it. And concluded that it was only a matter of time that she truly became her brother, that she would really turn on the team and hurt them, kill them for her own revenge. Because that was who she was, deep down.

Being back did nothing to ease her mind. The doubt and distrust was always present, in herself and the way the others treated her. Even McGee was different, he did not let it show, but he was quieter, moved slower around her, as if not to spook her. Gibbs, he did not trust her the least. He thought she was still following orders, that she did not really want this, did not want to truly become a member of the team and NCIS, that she would not turn her back on Mossad completely. He did not believe what her father had done, because he had been a father himself and would have never been able to do that to his own daughter. He did not know that despite his many flaws he was still a much better man than her father would ever be. Tony and Abby, they were the most complicated. They were holding her close to them, but still keeping her at arm's length. She could not really talk to them about anything, because they always doubted every single one of her words. Abby was so mad at her, and still pittied her for what she had gone through. She could not help but doubt what she said and did, because she had betrayed her so deeply, betrayed all of them, and everyone knew that for Abby, every member of the team was a member of her family, and you did not do that to your family. And Tony, he could not decide whether she was a changed person or if she would never be able to change at all. And without knowing it, he added so her own doubts that she would never be able to overcome her past, her training, her childhood.

Oh, she was doubting it herself. That she could change who she was. Because all her life, she had been led to believe that you were who you were, that things were what they were and did not need to be talked about. That you could not change your destiny, it was set in stone, and the only way to deal with it was accept it, and move on from there. And given her family's track record, her destiny was to die an early death, after she had betrayed everyone she ever loved. And if this was who she was, then she thought it would have been better if Saleem had killed her.

THE END

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