Title: Shattered Illusions

Author: Kelly Port

Feedback: donas13aol.com

Category: Romance/Humor/Angst

Rating: R For use of explicit language.

Spoilers: All Seasons.

Summary: My interpretation of what happens after Grissom takes Sara home (Bloodlines).

Disclaimer: "CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and (c) by ANTHONY E. ZUIKER, JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Television, CBS Worldwide Inc., Alliance Atlantis Corporation, CSI Productions and CBS Productions, All Rights Reserved. I am just a fan, with spare time on her hands and am really not worth perusing for settlement against infringement.

Notes: A special thanks to Michelle for the words that I needed. To Rox and Ash, my beta readers, this story would not be without you!

Archived: Yes, please! Feedback is welcomed. No flames please as I don't think my exposed heart could handle it!

Chapter 1 Shattered Illusions

As he hung up the phone the impeding fear that he felt since the phone first rang was subsiding to only be replaced with a burning anger. How could she do this to him! When he had walked into that bathroom on that night so long ago, his mind had screamed and his heart ached as he looked at Debbie Marlins body, Sara's doppelganger. For three days his mind had reeled at the possibility that that could have been Sara lying there, eyes transfixed, a pool of blood surrounding her beautiful features. If it had been her, what would he have done, it really would have been to late.

And that speech, the words just poured from him, form the depths of his battling emotions, "It's sad, isn't it, doc? Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden ... we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody ... ... we could care about. She offers us a new life with her ...but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it..." He couldn't do it then, but maybe now he could. All that he had, all that he had worked for would mean nothing if he didn't have her. Grissom now realized that he would risk it all for Sara. For the women he loved, he had hurt for so long, her hurt was his fear.

This realization was so profound, that it stopped him in his tracks. His chest slightly heaving, while his heart pumped so wildly that he could hear the rushing blood loudly echoing in his ears. For a moment he let his body adjust to the emotions, before he proceeded towards the waiting room, where he could see Sara sitting on a chair.

As he strode through the door, he watched her, sitting there, unmoving. He finally sat down beside her and yet she still said nothing, she didn't even look at him. She was either staring straight in front of her or averting her eyes to her clasped hands.

Grissom made the first move in this game of stalemate that they were playing when he grasped her hand in his. Even then she didn't move, and she still refused to even acknowledge his presence and so they say there.

She was so stupid, how could she have been so careless. She should have went home after leaving Nick on the Strip, but no, even as she congratulated Nick, the loathing, the betrayal and the hurt that Grissom had caused her once again reeled it's ugly head and she in turn headed straight for a bottle to dull her senses.

As she sat in the Police Station, she dreaded who was going to show up and yet deep down she wanted it to be Grissom, so that he could see what he had finally done to her, she should have left so long ago, she should have never let it get this far. Brass had been right, "there's more problems than answers in the bottom of a bottle, believe me" he was so right. She was most likely going to lose her job over this and if Grissom had any reason to hate her before, he sure had a reason to now. But then again, may be this was all for the best, she needed a new start.

She knew that he was there without even looking, not that she could bring herself to look at him even if she had tried. She was defeated and she didn't want him to see it. Sara waited for Grissom to say something, but instead he sat down beside her and didn't say anything. Once he sat, she felt for sure that a lecture was coming and yet there was nothing, the nothingness lasted for a few minutes when to her utter shock he took her hand in his, it was at this point that she felt for sure that he was going to say something, anything for that matter and yet the silence remained.

A few more minutes passed and when he finally spoke was surprised at what he said, "Come on, I'll take you home". And with that he stood still holding her hand, and yet she still did not move. She felt the gentle tug of his hand on hers and when she finally looked up at him, the tears that had been on the verge of breaking through the dam finally fell and she blurted out, "I don't need you to take me home, just fire me and get it over with!"

"I am not going to fire you, Sara!" replied Grissom.

"I want to take you home and I want to fix this," he added hurriedly.

"Fix this..." she spit, "What is there to fix!" she exclaimed.

"This, you, us, everything needs to be fixed Sara," his voice rising to match that of her own.

"In case you hadn't noticed, GRISSOM, THERE IS NO US! You made sure of that, every time you pushed me away, I have nothing left and that is your entire FAULT!" She yelled as she stood and yanked her hand from his grasp and marched towards the door and as she placed her hand on the knob to yank open the door, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"You can't leave" Grissom stated.

"Like hell I can't, you just watch me," Sara retorted.

"They won't let you leave, I had to promise as your Supervisor that I would take you home and deal with this, little escaped of yours, they are letting you off with a stern warning, seeing as you are one of them and a first time offender. But you have to leave with me," Grissom finished.

"So, if you are ready, I will take you home, where you can scream all you want at me," Grissom said in a more controlled manner and with that he moved in front of Sara and opened the door and waited for her to start walking. With a glare, Sara walked past Grissom and out of the Station towards his truck. As she got inside she buckled her seatbelt and looked out the window without saying a word.

The trip was mercifully quiet. It gave Grissom a chance to think about what he decided and the reaction that he had gotten from Sara thus far. He knew that he had hurt her, but he never realized just how much. Even now, he knew that there was no turning back she had to know everything and if that meant risking it all, no it was defiantly a risk. He was going to tell her everything, he was going to expose his hearts desire, his fear and from the way things looked all he was going to experience was her rejection.

When they finally pulled up in front of Sara's apartment, she was already unbuckling her seatbelt and opening the door before he even had it in park. Grissom had to race to keep up with her, and he barely got a foot in the doorway and hand in before she was slamming it in his face. But to his surprise and relief she didn't fight him when he pushed his way into the apartment and closed and locked the door behind him.

"Why don't you take a shower and change and I will make you a cup of tea, and then we can sit and I will talk, and you will listen," Grissom said.

Sara glared at Grissom once again before she turned on her heel and walked towards the bathroom, with any luck he would be gone before she was finished in the shower. He was probably just saying that so the he could make his escape and not have to deal with this, that is really deal with it. Yup, that was what he was doing, Sara thought as she climbed into the shower. The reassurance that Grissom would be gone when she emerged, gave her the strength that she needed. She would hand in her resignation and they would never have to deal with each other ever again.

Once he heard the shower, Grissom made his way into the small apartment kitchen and began to look through her cupboards for tea. What he found in the first cupboard, not to his shock although slight surprise was a wide array of hard liquor and the fridge had half a 2-4 left. When he finally found the tea supplies, he started the kettle and went to sit down, he could feel the pressure of the beginnings of a migraine starting and he knew that he would need to be able to focus to get through what was to come the calm before the storm so to speak.

When Sara emerged from the bathroom, she was relieved and saddened at the same time, like she predicted Grissom was gone, although part of her wanted him to still be there. She headed towards her bedroom and pulled on a pair of cut-off sweats and slipped on a tank and then deftly ran a comb through her still wet hair before she padded out into the kitchen to find some comfort. She headed straight for the fridge to grab a beer and when she opened the door was aghast to find the shelf empty as she turned towards her cupboard, she heard, "Your not going to find any in there either" she peered out into the darkened living room and could just make out Grissom form in her chair.

"What, what did you do?" Sara asked hatred dripping from her words.

"I said it is gone, I said that we were going to talk and that I was going to make you tea, the tea is made and we are going to talk, and you are going to be sober so that you can hear everything that I say, do you understand what I am saying Sara?" Grissom asked as he rose from the chair and crossed the room till he stood mere inches from her face by the time he had finished his little triad.

"Fuck- you Grissom," Sara spat as she looked him in the eyes." And while you're at it, you can get the hell out of my apartment, I don't have to listen to damn word that you say let alone in my own apartment. Now GO," she screamed as she put both hands on his chest and pushed with all her might, but he barely moved. So Sara pushed again, even harder this time and yet Grissom barely moved, she was so frustrated and so tired that when she decided for one last push, she really didn't have anything left in her and she stumbled as she pushed.

She was so angry, but so was he. She pushed him twice and on her third attempt she began to stumble forward; as she stumbled forward he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight to him. She began to struggle and begged for him to leave and to let her be, the struggle lasted a few minutes but Grissom did not let go, soon her struggles ceased to only be replaced by the tears and finally sobs that shook her whole body. He felt her knees start to give and he tightened his hold as he lowered them both to the floor.

TBC...