She couldn't do it, she couldn't walk through that door. All the memories that flushed back to her mind stopped her dead in her tracks. She wanted to but she couldn't move. Every step she had taken so far felt like climbing a mountain, like crossing a battlefield. She had been fighting so hard to get here but she just couldn't do it. Taking in a deep breath she turned around, facing away from the door. I need to do this. She knew she needed too but her fears and her doubts were preventing her from making the next move. What if the person in there doesn't believe her, it happened before. She had confided in people, asked for advice but they just wouldn't believe her words. She had finally found the courage to talk to someone about it and they just wouldn't believe her. After that, she had completely shut down. Now, almost a year later she decided that something needed to happen. Something had to change. All this time she had thought the worst part was over when everything had stopped. She was wrong. The worst part started after; the aftermath, if you will.
She turned back around, facing the door once more. Closing her eyes, clenching her fists. Be strong, you can do this. Opening her eyes, she took a step forward. Her heart racing as she knocked on the door. "Come in," a female voice came from behind the door. She breathed a sigh of relief. She hoped it had been a woman but you never know. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door. The room was cozy. It had all earth tinted colors and a dark brown couch in the middle. A small coffee table with a box of tissues on it. In the corner was a desk where the woman whose voice had welcomed her in sat. She had long blond hair and glasses on the tip of her nose. She guessed her age to be around 40.
"Hi, my name is Callie Torres… I have an appointment," there, the words were out. She spoke out loud. Which was a good thing. Recently she had found herself not being able to speak when she was anxious or nervous. Also she couldn't speak when she became too emotional. That's one of the reasons she was here.
"Hey Callie," the woman stood up from behind her desk and walked towards her. "I'm Alyx Mall," she reached out her hand to shake Callie's. "Nice to meet you, Callie."
"Yeah, you too," She couldn't look into her eyes afraid that she'll shut down.
"Have a seat, wherever you are most comfortable," Callie followed Alyx's hand towards a corner she had not yet seen. There were 3 chairs placed around a small table, which also had a box of tissues on top. She followed her hand again as it pointed to the couch.
"I think I want to sit in a chair, if that's okay?" Her voice was low and uncertain.
"Of course, you want coffee or anything else?" Alyx asked walking over to the door but stopped to wait for an answer.
"Coffee would be nice, thank you." Callie took of her jacket and placed it in the chair next to her before she sat down.
A couple minutes later Alyx came back in with two cups of coffee in her hand. She put two bags of sugar and two bags of cream on the table next to Callie's coffee cup. "I didn't know what you wanted in your coffee," Alyx smiled.
"Black," Callie replied glancing up at the blond. She watched as Alyx walked back to her desk and opened the top drawer to take out some files. She walked back to where Callie was and sat down on the chair across from her.
"So, Callie…" She opened the file. "You were sent here by your doctor?" It was more a statement than a question. Like she was asking for confirmation.
"Yes," Callie answered shortly.
"Can you tell me what the reason is that he sent you here?" Alex crossed her legs and leaned forward with her elbow on her knee. She held the folder up against her chest.
"Well… Uhm… She uuh… She sent me here because I've been experiencing some physical discomfort and they can't find a medical explanation for it." Callie looked down at her hands that were placed on her lap. Her knuckles pale from the grip that they held each other with.
"You're a doctor yourself, right?" Alyx looked at her folder again.
"Surgeon, I'm a surgeon." Callie corrected her.
"So what do you think?" Alyx flipped a page in the folder and took a pen that was laying on the table.
"What do I think about what?" Callie fired back, she didn't like to be questioned and this is what that felt like. She crossed her arms and sat back in her chair.
"About your physical pain, do you think there's a medical reason for it?" Alex looked up from the folder.
"They haven't done every exam that's out there. Do could do a head CT an MRI, whatever. I do know that my doctor doesn't think it is a medical condition, she thinks it's a mental issue," Callie showed no emotion what so ever. She kept her face straight and she could feel herself detaching with every minute that passes.
"Okay, so what are you experiencing? Physical wise." Alyx took a sip from her coffee and that reminded Callie about hers.
"There's a few things," Callie took a deep breath, "I have trouble sleeping; it takes a while before I fall asleep and when I do I suffer from nightmares. I usually don't wake up but sometimes I do. I know I have nightmares because I wake up drenched from sweating so much and sometimes things are kicked over and laying on the floor. I don't remember most of them though." She looked at Alyx trying to read her, trying to figure out what she was thinking. When she didn't find anything she continued.
"Sometimes, I can't talk. Like, literally. I can't get words out." Again looking at the woman sitting across from her. Alyx gave her a small nod which encouraged Callie to continue.
"I've been throwing up a lot lately. Also I've been having days that I don't really remember what happened. Or I'll 'wake up' somewhere and don't remember how I got there." She air quoted the words 'wake up' because she knows she hadn't been sleeping. "I think that's about it. I was fine but now people around me are noticing and it seems to get worse. I can't function normally at work."
She leaned forward and reached for her coffee, bringing the cup to her mouth.
"Okay… I wrote this all down but, Callie?" Alyx looked up. Sitting at the edge of her seat, her hands gasped together.
"Y-yes?" Callie felt nervous. She didn't like sentences that ended with but. Anything could come after that but.
"How are you still functioning at all?" Alyx asked in awe, her head was slightly tilted to the side. Like she was studying Callie.
"Oh…" Callie didn't expect that question and so she didn't have an answer. Thinking back at all the things she had just mentioned to Alyx she felt a lump grow in her throat. "Uhm… I d-don't know." A single tear rolled down her cheek.
"We're going to patch you up, Callie Torres." Alyx smiled. "Right now I just want to ask you some neutral questions, nothing scary, like… Where did you grow up? How was the relationship between you and your parents? What do you like to do in your free time? I want to establish a relationship with you, I want to earn you trust. Does that sound okay to you?"
Callie flinched at the word trust. She promised herself she would never trust anyone again. This had turned out to be harder than she thought it was going to be because as a surgeon you need to trust your co-workers, you need to trust your patients and you need to trust yourself. She wasn't even sure if she did, trust herself, she let herself down so many times. Making promises that she never followed through.
"Honestly?" She questioned and continued when Alyx nodded. "I have a hard time trusting other people, I have a hard time trusting myself. And, no offense you seem really nice, but you are a complete stranger. How am I supposed to trust you when I don't even know you?"
"That's a really good question," Alyx bends down over the folder and writes something down, "I'm a psychologist, Callie… I am a stranger but I'm also someone who won't judge you and who signed a contract stating she'll protect her patient. Which, I know for a fact you did too. You don't know me but I don't know you either. I'm just trying to help you, you have to remember that." Alyx took another sip from her coffee and Callie followed her lead.
After a moment of silence Callie replied, "Okay, I'm… I... I just never did anything like this before and It's scary. You know, one moment you're doing everything on your own and the next you are talking to a shrink-" Callie winched, "Sorry…" Receiving a smirk from Alyx she continued, "because your life is so messed up."
"I know this is a big step but I promise you that it's going to make your life's quality so much better. But I won't lie to you… It might get worse before it gets better."
"Ha, believe me… My life can't get worse than it already is." Callie smirked.
Alyx returned her smirk. "We'll see."
"Are you challenging me?" Callie raised her eyebrow. How bold.
"Am I challenging you to get worse before you get better?" Alyx shook her head. "Of course not. I'm challenging you to face this chapter of your life. If you truly want to feel better and return to your normal self, this is what you have to do. This is where you need to be." The blond woman smiled. It was kind and gentle. Like a soft, warm pillow that was inviting you to let go of those climbing bars and just fall down. Fall fast and hard but land softly and walk away from it like nothing ever happened.
"Challenge accepted," Callie nodded firmly.
"Great," Alyx's smile grew wider, "are you ready for the neutral questions?"
"Bring it on," Callie accepted that she was going to have to fight harder than she ever did before. An hour ago she thought this was where the fight ended. She had fought to get here and she won. She wasn't unknown to an ugly fight but for this one she had to prepare and she could feel it in her bones. She had already went through so much and when everything had stopped she thought she was done fighting. But she wasn't done, she hadn't finished her battle. Her battle was just beginning. Her biggest battle was yet to come and she was going to be ready. Bring it on.