Dave was really bored, no clever metaphors or sick rhymes about it. He was bored out of his fucking mind. And to top it off he had some mad blue balls. For fucks sake he hadn't gotten laid in a hella long time. And there wasn't really anyone on the meteor that was available. He and Terezi had been broken up for a while plus she and that capricious codpiece wearing motherfucker Gamzee were definitely up to some mad angry hatesex. And forget Rose and Kanaya, who were too busy playing sexy lesbian dress up. And to be frank there was no fucking with The Mayor, no use trying to stir up scandal in Can-Town. But then again there was Karkat.
"god but if i fuck karkat then what will i be" Dave thought to himself while reclining ironically in a beanbag in the common room of the meteor. The Mayor played with his menial cans and bottles in the same tedious way he always did. He had for a year and Dave bet his own totally rad aviators that he would for the remaining two years. Dave fiddled with his foam ass-communicator and called up Karkat.
"hey asshole how's about you have a merry little stroll down to the common room so we can have a bull session or reheat some cabbage or some shit" he spoke with his very subtle southern drawl.
"I COULD BARELY FUCKING HEAR HALF OF THAT. THE COMMON ROOM? CABBAGE? WHAT THE FUCK DAVE."
"bro just pop on down the common room for fucks sake"
"FUCKING FINE. BE RIGHT THERE."
Dave really couldn't believe what he was thinking about trying to do. He pondered for a moment about how he could make it as ironic and subtle as possible. Before he knew it Karkat and the dark thundering cloud of angry bullshit that perpetually hung above him like a suffocatingly droopy black dick had appeared in the doorway.
"YOU RANG, ASSHOLE?"
"hey chillax im just wanting to shoot some ladders with a good buddy is that not fine and dandy in karkatville? its probably a capital offense in can town so why not mosey on down to karkatville have a stay at the inn with and visit the tavern and have a cool sarsaparilla and chat up the bartender you know what im saying?"
"NO, ACTUALLY I DON'T. BUT BECAUSE WE ARE 'BROS' I WILL HUMOR YOUR ODD HUMAN COLLOQUIAL BULLSHIT."
"sweet why not take it back to my room though we could chill and play some board games you know open up that game of life or some shit and give the spinner a whirl or two"
"ALRIGHT? WHATEVER I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO."
And so Dave lead his grey compadre back through the halls of the meteor and they were in his spacious abode in no time. Dave threw off his shirt onto his when they entered.
"hope you don't mind its always hotter than satans asscrack in here so i prefer pulling winging it nelly style clothes optional"
Karkat said nothing but made a sarcastic resigned groan as if to say,
"You humans are so fucking weird."
Dave rustled through his possessions in his various cabinets and closets. Muttering to himself about hooha's and whipper-snappers to throw Karkat as much as possible. This whole seduction thing would go south faster than a coconut laden swallow if he didn't preserve his ridiculous mystique. He was bored and horny enough as it was so no use trying to prolong the inevitable.
"well shit dude looks like we're fresh out of whimsical human board games to have a whack at."
"SOUNDS REAL FUCKING UNFORTUNATE I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO PLAYING SOME OF THE DRIBBLING IDIOCRATIC SHENNANIGANS WITH YOU." Karkat said sarcastically.
"well there are some other human games we could play you know that don't involve boards and such and don't really restrict you with binding laws and contracts and shit these games let you be freer than a god dammed mockingbird if you want"
"YOU KNOW WHAT, SURE. SOUNDS LIKE HILARIOUS HUMAN FUN. NOT LIKE I'D HATE HEARING MORE AND MORE OF YOUR INCESSANT METAPHOR LACED MALARKY EITHER."
"maybe I'll hush up then" Dave rubbed his hand around his neck and casually brought it down across his chest, lingering on his nipple for a second and then riding all the way down back to his hip. Karkat almost didn't catch the gesture but he saw it, not like he knew what he was hinting at.
"here why don't i introduce you to a very popular human game it's john's favorite actually it's called chicken."
"WHAT THE NOOK SNIFFING FUCK KIND OF A NAME IS THAT?"
"i honestly don't know maybe ill google it and solve that enigma once and for all but for now let me explain the game" Karkat nodded along.
"so i do something to try and make you feel uncomfortable and then you do the same to me and the first one that thinks it's too awkward to take it chickens out and the other one wins"
"THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE ACTUAL STUPIDEST GAME I'VE EVER HEARD OF." Karkat said.
"well john and i used to play it all the time id always win of course im the king of chicken i used to whip him into submission like a good ole horse trainer breaking in a new stubborn bronco until he'd finally let me ride him it was pretty fun and really easy"
"THAT STILL SOUNDS LIKE THE STUPIDEST FUCKING GAME IN THE FARTHEST RING TO ME."
"maybe that's because you know you can't beat me" Dave said, give Karkat a sensual look. Karkat was met with a decision, and obviously there was no way he was going to let Dave fucking Strider show him up, that cocky little prick.
"BRING IT THE FUCK ON, STRIDER."
Dave took the opportunity and rushed over to Karkat and quickly ripped his sweater up his torso and over his head but leaving the arms in so that they were inside out and still attached to his body. Karkat moved around and ripped the sweater off of his head and through it next to Dave's shirt.
Dave walked over and sat down on the bed. He made a sultry, ironically horny glance at the door. Karkat pushed it closed with his butt.
"i like the way you use that thing." Dave groaned in a low low voice. He patted his leg, motioning for Karkat to come sit on his lap. Which he did, the brooding mask he usually wore was replaced with that of a look of determination. He sat down with force in Dave's lap and gazed coldly into the reflected surfaces of his glasses, checking out at his reflection. His hair was a ratty mess. He took the side of his hand and caressed Dave's cheek softly, letting it fall over his chest.
"FEELING A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE YET, DOUCHEBAG?"
"not even a little man are you even trying?" Dave let a hand glide over and rest firmly clutching the soft fat of Karkat's thigh. His eyes faltered for a second, but his determined look remained strong.
"YOU'LL NEED TO DO A LITTLE BETTER THAN THAT STRIDER."
Dave breathed for a moment and smiled devilishly.
"alright you asked for it though your turn"
Karkat was still for a moment, his monotoned skin was hot up against Dave's pale complexion. Then he came back to life, with gusto he stood Dave up and whipped his red silk God-Tier pajama pants down to the floor; revealing Dave's rather bland maroon with green polkadot boxers.
"HMMPH I FIGURED THEYD BE A LITTLE MORE FLAMBOYANT OR MAYBE A LITTLE MORE IRONIC OTHER THAN THE FACT THEY'RE BORING."
"let's see yours then big boy" Dave kicked away his unneeded bottoms and let himself fall over Karkat's grey slender form. He was face to face with him for a brief moment, he breathed a hot sensuous breath on his neck and rolled the waistline of his sweatpants down.
"OH SHIT WAIT NO."
"too late" Dave ripped Karkat's pants off his long toned legs in one fell swoop. Revealing, to his surprise, a small pair of teal and red panties with a curiously large bulge in them.
"oh my god karkat are you wearing tz's undies" He giggled profusely. Karkat's face became a mask of anger and shame as candy red blood flushed to his cheeks.
"oops looks like i win someone is uncomfortable"
"UNCOMFORTABLE AND EMBARRASSED ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS SHITWAD. I CAN STILL TAKE YOU."
"alright then looks like it's your turn buddy." Dave stopped for a moment to register the fact that the fact that Karkat was sporting a cute pair of his ex-girlfriend's panties was actually starting to turn him on almost unironically. If not for the fact that Terezi was a mutual ex between the two of them the he'd have been done for. He briefly let his subconscious wander to the last time they'd had sex before they'd broke up. The way she was so good with her hands and her long tongue on his john-thomas were fucking amazing. And she knew how to use that tentabulge too.
"oop well shit now im hard check it out kk" Dave drew his now tented boxers off his waste and let them fall to the ground. Karkat seemed a little perplexed. Maybe he'd never seen a dick before, maybe he'd never seen a hard dick before. Maybe he'd seen John's and now he knew that Dave was a little bit bigger than John. A surprising eight inches to John's six, a full two more inches to love.
"i will humbly accept your defeat as i can clearly see you're uncomfortable with the sheer colossus that is lil cal i mean come on this pecker could destroy large asian metropolitan areas if i let it loose long enough you must be disturbed"
"WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT I'M PACKING, FUCKASS" he was about to rip his knickers from his pelvis when Dave rushed to stop him.
"slow your horses babe let me do the honors" Dave slipped his two thumbs into the waist of the panties and brought them down at a snail pace. Karkat's tentacle like bulge flopped out like it was escaping from a prison. It was red and rather moist, the mucus secreted from it smelled almost like cherries.
"meh tz's is bigger"
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP NO WAY IT IS."
"only one way to check." Dave shot a look from his kneeling position to Karkat's eyes and winked through the glass panes of his aviators. He moved him over and sat his now naked body onto his bed.
Troll genitalia is interesting, in a word. Every one of the species was hermaphroditic, meaning they had both a bulge and a nook. A bulge most easily fitting the description of a penis plus a tentacle and the nook a near perfect counterpart of the human vagina. Since trolls needed to produce half a bucket's worth of fluid whenever they copulated it made sense that they'd need twice the amount of genitalia than a human. Twice as much cum was something Dave was totally a proponent of. If Karkat was anything like Terezi then that meant he was in for quite the show.
Dave kissed the insides of Karkat's thighs lovingly but also ironically, licking them quickly just to tip the awkward situation a little bit more in his favor. Karkat breathed daintily, his breaths low and slow but tense. Dave let his fingers roam up and down the length of Karkat's legs a few times making sure to get almost every part of them. He brought it up to the base of his bulge, wrapping his fingers around the shaft and going up and then back down and then he took his finger down over the slit of his nook very gradually while blowing on the tip of his bulge. Karkat convulsed and groaned loudly.
"FUCKING SHIT STRIDER."
Dave laughed. Then decided he was done teasing because he seriously was wanting a piece of that tentadick now. He brought the tip to his mouth and enveloped it with his lips. Very deliberately he let his tongue roam over it in his mouth as he brought all five inches of slimy alien phallus into his throat.
"god it does taste like cherries that's fucking awesome." He thought to himself as he swallowed a little bit of the bulge mucus when he gagged. He noticed that the base of the bulge was rather hard while the upper half was more free to move.
So he worked at the shaft with his hand while he brought his mouth up and down the length of the rest of in licking and sucking at his leisure. He took the opportunity to let his other hand fondle the outer lips of his nook, which by that time was practically dripping with a thick red, sweet smelling liquid.
He pinched the lips gently between his fingers before casually letting a finger glide in. It was so easy because it was so lubricated already. The inside of Karkat's nook was, honest to god, the softest thing Dave had ever felt.
But the sexiest part of the experience was no doubt Karkat's breathing, his moans were so small and innocent. He'd let out a breath and bring one in slow but every other breath or so he'd make this little hiccup noise in time with Dave's tongue brushing up against the tip of his bulge or maybe his thumb leisurely applying pressure to his clit.
By now Dave had his three bottom fingers in KK's tight little nook, making sure to pinch and rub gently at his clit with his thumb and pointer-finger as he fingered him. His timing between the fingering and the blowing was, to put it simply, masterful. Karkat's body wriggled and shook as his breathing became more and more erratic. Dave could feel his heartbeat as his bulge and nook pounded.
"O-OH FUCK!"
"D-D-D-DAVE I THINK I'M GONNA - I'M GONNA C-!" But Dave didn't let him finish. Instead he got up quickly, withdrawing the bulge from his mouth and his fingers from his nook and stood up and back. Karkat's breathing changed very quickly, regulating. He opened his eyes after a minute, the face of pleasure morphed into a face of rage.
"WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME CUM ASSHOLE?"
"you didn't think i was just gonna let you have all the fun without returning some did you? not when troll orgasms are as great as they look uh-uh I want us to come together"
Karkat's face distorted for a moment. Dave could see a bit of playful spirit behind the anger.
"COME OVER HERE THEN." Dave came over and propped himself above Karkat on the bed and lowered himself onto him. He kissed him passionately. He was of course a little reserved because he needed to make sure that his glasses didn't fall off but he was as amorous and heavy as his cool kid mystique would allow. Letting his tongue venture into Karkat's and letting their saliva intermingle for a second. He could feel his cold gray hands reach up around his body, clutching at his ass. Then they reached back around and grasped the shaft of his dick. He let his hand fall and bounce back up with gravity as his hand fell over the most sensitive part of the head of his loaded DNA Rifle. Dave let out a low breath, setting a hand on Karkat's chest.
His nimbly small hand jerked at Dave's rod for a few minutes before precum started to collect.
Dave stopped his relentless assault on Karkat's tonsils and repositioned himself closer down to his body. So that their hot, sweaty skin was making direct contact. He rubbed his entire body down against Karkat's as he positioned his knob at the entrance of his nook. Very gentle-like, he inserted. Karkat yipped as the thick love pole penetrated him.
"how does that feel?" Dave said making a snarky comment.
"OH JUST SHUT UP AND FUCK MY STRIDER." Karkat abjured through clenched teeth.
And so he began to thrust. With each thrust Karkat's nook tightened around him. It felt so fucking great. With his spare hand he jerked at his bulge which had grown at least an inch since they'd began. Karkat's breathing shuddered and trembled in the sexiest ways. He muttered some alternating moans and a string of obscenities here and there between his gasps and hiccups for air. Finally he stopped, he grabbed Dave and rolled him over so that he was on top. He Dave's still throbbing dick out of his nook and inserted his own bulge into Dave's awaiting ass. It was a slow and pseudo-painful experience to begin but as soon as he adjusted to it, Dave began to moan harder and harder making sure to keep a low, collected tone. Karkat tugged expertly at his dick with one hand while fingering his own nook with his free hand.
"i have - huff - to admire - huhhh - you're sense - uggghh - of balance." Dave panted. Karkat laughed heartily as he couldn't speak. His breathing and convulsing became unintelligible as he climbed toward the peak.
Dave's rad cool kid façade started to crumble as he could feel a climax beginning to build inside of him. It was like the burning at the center of LOHAC. And in a very brief moment he fumbled,
"Oh oh oh oh oh shit shit shit fuck Karkat I'm gonna - hiyeai" he yelped and screamed like a little girl.
Karkat groaned and yelped as well as he took his bulge away from Dave's ass, and positioned himself over his nubile frame as a load of thick hot red troll cum shot from his bulge and nook simultaneously. The stream of ejaculate shot several feet into the air and fell back down onto Dave's pale sweaty chest and all over his face, hair and glasses while the gushing cherry scented liquid from his nook drowned him in euphoria. Dave shot his load of white sperm into the air as well, though not as far as Karkat's it was still impressive. It managed to land a little in his raggedy black hair which was in some areas caked with sweat.
It took them both a few minutes of laying down next to each other for their breathing to come back to normal. Dave made a comment through panting breaths,
"that has to have been the best sex that I have had ever and will ever have ever." He clapped his hand on Karkat's chest.
"AGREED. I CANT BELIEVE WE DIDNT USE A BUCKET." He breathed.
"how's about we don't use a bucket again i know where rose keeps her sex toys you down?"
"MAYBE AFTER A SHOWER AND SOME COFFEE."
"alright im down for that."