Chapter 1: Interview with the Demon
Cait: So, Lord Sesshoumaru, are you ready for the interview?
Sesshy: わかりません｡
Cait: Huh?
Thao: What's he saying?
Cait: (to Sesshoumaru) Could you repeat that?
Sesshy: あなたはわかりません!
Thao: What?
Sesshy: 日本語でいってください!!!!
Cait: What are you trying to say? We don't understand your crazy talk!
Thao: …Wait a minute…I forgot to turn on the translator.
Cait: You dolt!
Thao: Sorry! (turns it on) Ok, now ask him!
Cait: (to Sesshoumaru) Sorry about that.
Sesshy: …I'm surrounded by idiots.
Thao: Yay, the translator worked! Who woulda thought a bunch of old computer parts, a bent
fork , and a lot of duct tape would actually work! You're a genius, Cait!
Cait: Yes, I have to say, my own intelligence scares me sometimes. (turns to Sesshy) Ok,
question #1: What is your favorite color?
Thao:You couldn't come up with a better first question than that?
Cait:No, I couldn't. You got a problem with that? Just let him answer the question!
Sesshy:Stupid pathetic mortals. This is a waste of time.
Thao:Why the hell are you worried about time? You're immortal; you've literally got all thetime in the world!
Cait:Just answer the question, dammit!
Jaken:(runs over and kicks Cait in the shins) How dare you talk to the great and powerful Lord Sesshoumaru like that?
Cait:Owwie! Curse you, you little green freak! (sits on Jaken) There, that'll teach you not to kick me! (turns to Sesshy) So, where were we… oh yeah, the interview. So again, what's your favorite color?
Sesshy:(with a rather bemused expression) I rather like the color red. It reminds me of blood, which in turn reminds me of killing weak, worthless creatures such as yourselves.
Thao:That's kinda morbid.
Cait:Note to self: Hide anything that could potentially be used as a weapon when Sesshoumaru's around. Ok, next question!
Thao: Hey, I want to ask a question! My turn! My turn!
Cait:Ok, jeeze, simmer down now, Spazzy, before you wet yourself!
Thao:Ok, Lord Sesshoumaru, question 2: How do you keep those white clothes so clean all the time?
Cait:What kind of stupid question is that? And you thought my question was dumb!
Thao:Just let him answer!
Sesshy:The reason my clothes stay so clean is because, as a demon, I am perfection incarnate. Therefore, dirt doesn't stick to me. Also, these clothes don't actually exist; they are part of this illusory human form that fools you pathetic idiot humans so easily.
Cait:(considering what he said) ….So, since your clothes are an illusion, are you really just running about in the nude?
Thao:Hmm…
(both stare off into space and look as if they're imagining something quite nice)
Sesshy:(a bit irritated) Stop imagining me naked while I'm sitting right here!!
Thao:(snaps alert) Oh! Heh heh, sorry!
Sesshy:Stupid perverted mortals.
Cait:Ok, here's a question: Why do you hate Inuyasha so much?
Thao:You idiot! Anyone who's watched the show could tell you that the reason why Lord Sesshoumaru hates Inuyasha is because he's a half-demon disgrace to the family. AmI right?
Sesshy:Mostly.
Thao:Why else do you hate him?
Sesshy:He smells bad.
Thao:…That's it??
Sesshy:Yes, what else would it be?
Cait:I know how that goes, having a smelly sibling. My sister has the oddest scent: a cross between creamed corn and old seaweed.
Thao:(gazing at Cait) You're really weird. Ok, my turn to ask a question: What are some really good ways to annoy you?
Sesshy:Why would I tell you how to annoy me? Do you think I'm stupid?
Cait:No comment.
Thao:(picks up a stick) Ooh, is this annoying? (pokes fluffy thing on Sesshy's shoulder)
Sesshy: (jumps backward out of reach of the stick, growling fiercely and clutching the fluffy thing protectively) Don't you EVER touch my fluffy again!!!! (to the fluffy thing, almost cooing)It's all right, Mr. Fuzzykins, I won't let those useless mortals poke you with a stick again.
Cait:(staring at Sesshy in disbelief) This guy's as unstable as Charles Manson! One minute he's ready to rip you to pieces, the next, he's cooing to his fluffy!
Thao:…He called it Mr. Fuzzykins?!? That sounds like something some 80-year-old lady that collects Precious Moments figurines would call her morbidly obese cat!
Cait:Are you gay?
Sesshy:(still wary of the stick) No, I am not gay. I was a very lonely child.
Thao:Apparently.
Cait:Aww, does somebody need a hug? (gets up and goes toward him with arms outstretched)
Sesshy:(backs away and growls menacingly) Get away from me!
Cait:(sits back down on Jaken) Jeeze, I was just trying to be nice!
Thao:No you weren't, you were just trying to feel him up!
Cait:Wouldn't you?
Thao:I would, but I'd think of a better plan!
Sesshy:Touch me, either one of you, and you die a very slow, painful death.
Cait:(sarcastically) Oooh, I'm so scared! Ok, next question: Have you ever had a nut thrown at you by a squirrel?
Thao:That's a pretty random question, even for you.
Cait:I couldn't think of anything else. Leave me alone!
Thao:Oooookaaaaaaay… freak.
Sesshy:No creature has ever dared to throw anything at me…(pine cone hits him in the forehead; he picks it up)(in a voice that means death for whoever threw it) Who threw this???
(both girls point at each other, then Cait gets off of Jaken and they both point at him)
Cait and Thao:It was him!!
Sesshy:He couldn't have thrown the pine cone. You were sitting on him.
Thao:Uhh… he has magical telekinesis powers…and can move things with his brain!
Cait:Yeah, what she said!
Sesshy:(thoroughly ticked now) Jaken does not have magical telekinesis powers. He's just a simple… whatever he is. Now, if one of you doesn't confess now, I'll have to tear you both to pieces!
Thao:But it wasn't us!
(Sesshy growls, starts to transform)
Cait:He's transforming! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
(both girls turn and run)
Thao:It's times like this when I wish I was a cheetah…
Cait:Forget the cheetah! Just run!
Thao:Why must the good die young?!
Cait:?!?
(Rin pops up out of the bushes ahead; both girls come to a screeching halt in front of her; Sesshy stops attacking)
Rin:(tugging on Thao's sleeve) Excuse me? Could I have another one of those sweet round things on a stick, please?
Cait:Sweet round thing on a… Oh, you mean a lollypop?
Rin:Is that what it's called?
Thao:Of course you can have one! But you gotta keep Lord Sesshoumaru from killing us!
Cait:We'll give you as many lollypops as you like! Just make him stop, we're begging you!
(both start groveling; Sesshy sighs in exasperation as Rin looks at him, confused)
Rin:Why are you trying to kill them, Lord Sesshoumaru?
Sesshy:One of them hit me in the face with a pine cone.
Rin:But why kill both of them? Why not kill just the one who threw the pine cone?
Sesshy:Neither will admit to it. So, both must die.
Cait:I can tell you right now that it wasn't me.
Thao:Or me!
Sesshy:Then who was it?
Cait:I don't know. I didn't see anything because I was too busy mentally undr—(Sesshy looksat her with eyebrow raised) …understanding you.
(Sesshy gets weird look on his face as he tries to puzzle that one out; Rin looks confused)
Thao:(sarcastically) Nice save.
Cait:Thanks. (speaking so only Thao can hear) While he's distracted, let's ask him some more questions so that he'll fully forget about the pine cone.
Thao:Ok. (back to Sesshy, who's still trying to figure out what Cait almost said) So, umm, here's another question: What exactly are you to Rin? A father figure? Or more of the brotherly type?
Cait:Or are you just a pedophile?
(Sesshy looks shocked and slightly grossed out; Rin still looks confused)
Thao:(smacks Cait across the head) Don't make him angry again, you moron!
Cait:Sorry! I just wanted to cover all the bases! You never know! I wasn't actually saying that he is a pedophile! I just wanted him to know that option was available! (starts groveling to Sesshy) Please don't kill me! I'm too young to die!
(Sesshy watches Cait with a rather bemused expression; Thao shakes her head in exasperation; Rin looks as confused as ever)
Sesshy:This one's rather spastic…
Thao:(turning away from Cait) I do not know this dweeb… (to Rin) Let's go get that lollypopwhile Lord Sesshoumaru decides what to do with Captain Spazzypants over there. (takes Rin over to where their stuff is)
Cait:(gets up and starts running after them) Wait! Don't leave me here with this unstable demon! (catches up to them but trips over Jaken and falls on the translator) Oww!
Thao:Klutz. Good thing your mom didn't name you "Grace".
Cait:Very funny.
Rin:Sind Sie in Ordnung?
Cait:Huh?!?
Thao:Rin can speak German? Who knew?!
Cait:Uhh… I think I messed up the translator… and now it's translating Japanese to German.
(Sesshy walks up)
Sesshy:Was hat Sie Idioten haben gemacht jetzt?
Cait:(pushes a few buttons on the translator) It should work now… in theory…
Thao: I hope it does. (turns to Rin and gives her a lollypop) Here you go.
Rin:Gracias!
Cait:Crap!
Thao:(takes the translator) Here, let me try! (pushes buttons)
Cait:Did it work?
Thao:I don't know, make them say something.
Cait:(gives Rin another lollypop) Here ya go!
Rin:谢谢！
Cait and Thao:GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
(both start mashing buttons on the translator)
Sesshy:Ceci est une perte de temps. Je pars. (turns to leave)
Cait:NOOOOOO! My invention is ruined!
Thao:Aaack, he's leaving! (runs to Sesshy and throws herself at his feet) Please, take me with you! Don't leave me with this moron!
Cait:What's the point when you can't even understand what they're saying?
Sesshy:Non seguirme o l'ucciderò entrambi.
Rin:Tot ziens!
(she runs over, grabs Jaken, and follows Sesshy out of sight)
Thao:Aww, I had a really good question to ask, too! Dammit!
Cait:(sighs) Until we meet again, my l—(stomach growls)… I'm hungry! (starts rummaging in bag)
Thao:…(shakes her head)…