A/N: I have no idea why I wrote this. I just felt compelled to do so. R&R. Enjoy!
Gone
"We may…"
He stared into nothing and yet he could see everything. The last leaf clinging to the almost bare tree limb as an autumn wind blew. A cardinal fly back home. Leaves following the wind, stalking it, craving to keep up when, in the end, they would be left behind on the ground. His pale blue eyes were filled with tears, tears that had yet to fall.
"We may never…"
Why couldn't he cry? For the first time in years, decades practically, Randy actually wanted to cry. Crying would be better than this…this nothingness. He feared the nothingness. He feared what it could bring…what it has brought to him before he met John. John… This was all John's fault. That selfish bastard…this nothingness was all his fault!
How could it not be? Randy didn't want John to leave; quite the opposite, actually. If anything, he wanted John to stay. Hell, he needed John to stay. But John didn't stay. No one could have stayed, not with those wounds. Not with so many bullets penetrating one's body.
"We may never meet…"
Ever since they first met, Randy had been drawn to John. John was full of light, hope, and goodness. John was the very embodiment of everything that was good and kind in the world. He would go out of his way to help someone, even if he didn't like them, because it was the right thing to do. And he never asked for payment or favors; he never wanted anything out of it. Randy hadn't been used to such kindness, such light, before meeting John and it frightened him at first.
But once they got to know each other and grew closer, Randy realized that that was just who John was. John was one of the nicest people on the planet, if not the nicest, and his light reached out and embraced everybody. It came to no surprise to Randy that John was a police officer; with how much he loved helping others, it made a lot of sense. However, Randy did fear for his lover's life on numerous occasions. Because, regardless of how John approached a situation or regardless of how much light he had, people were cowardly, unpredictable creatures. They always had been and they always will be. That was Randy's opinion, anyway.
"We may never meet again…"
After being with John for almost five years, Randy felt ready to tie the knot. John had been his first real love and he didn't want to lose that, he didn't want to lose John. Even though Randy had been disowned when he came out and even though he had been put through hell at work, Randy wouldn't have traded John for any reprieve. Through all of the anger and hatred that he felt, he always found himself again, thanks to John.
John was his better half and the only person who knew him better than he knew himself. Yes, it was completely cliché and way too romantic for him, but it was the truth. Just be reading his facial expression or his body language, John could tell if Randy had had a good day or a bad one. Sometimes, it absolutely amazed Randy how well John could read him. Of course, every time he would voice this, John would laugh at him, his dimples flashing, and he would tell Randy that it wasn't that hard, that Randy was like an open book to him.
"We may never meet again, but…"
One night, while they were out at their favorite restaurant, Randy pulled the ring out of his pocket and purposed. He had been more nervous and frightened than he had ever been in his entire life. Compared to John, Randy was like a smudge on something white and clean; he could be ignored but he was still black and ugly and oh, so obvious. At least, that was how Randy saw himself, which was why he was so scared and nervous when he purposed. John could have had anyone, literally, but instead, he chose Randy.
That night had been one of the most passionate and beautiful nights of Randy's entire life. He had never felt so free and so happy. And that feeling stayed with him for a very long time.
"We may never meet again, but we…"
Being a police officer, John had seen a lot of things that Randy could never and would never want to see. He had seen kidnappings, child abuse, domestic abuse, rapes, and murders. Hell, he had been stabbed multiple times and had been fired at numerous times. Such things happened when one lived in the city and worked as a cop. But John was well known within the beat he patrolled and a lot of people liked him. How could they not when John's light shone brighter than the sun ever would?
But he had his enemies. Some out on the streets and some within the very police department he worked in. It sickened Randy to think that anyone could disliked or hate John. His John…
"We may never meet again, but we will…"
They had been married for three years when John was asked to do a case as an undercover cop. It hadn't been the first time John had done undercover work, but it would be the first time that it lasted longer than a couple months. Randy had been told what he'd need to know to keep himself from being watched and targeted, and all he knew really was what John was supposed to look like in his 'disguise'.
It was hard to be without John for almost a year. He couldn't have contact with him, or not a lot of it, and he wasn't even permitted to see him unless the meeting went through the police, and even then, it would only be for a few hours. Before even half of John's time undercover was up, Randy was at the end of his rope. More than anything else, he wanted to see his husband, to hold him, breathe him in, and kiss him. But he couldn't. He couldn't…
"We may never meet again, but we will never…"
And then, on the very last day of John's undercover work, on the day that the most infamous drug lord the city's ever known was to be brought in, he was gunned down. Shot. Six times in the chest. The bullets were a perfect match for the glock used and it didn't take long before it was discovered that someone in the police department had been the one to fire those shots. Wade Barrett ruined his life on that night. He took away the most precious person in Randy's life.
He took John away, just to hide his involvement with the drug lord. John was murdered, gunned down in cold blood, because of somebody else's greed. Randy was beyond furious. For the first time since his dad had disowned him, Randy actually wanted to tear someone's throat out with his own bare hands. But he didn't. Instead, he allowed the police to persecute their own.
"We may never meet again, but we will never forget…"
The viewing as awful. John's family came and they were a mess. At first, they blamed Randy for John's murder, but after Adam, quite literally, got in their faces and told them exactly what happened, they apologized and returned to their tears and their sobs. John's friends arrived as well. He had so many friends that many of them had to get in and get out in order to have enough room in the funeral home.
Randy stayed put, by John's casket, until the very end of the viewing. When he was the last person left, the director's assistant told him to go home, try to get some rest, because they'd see him first thing in the morning. But Randy knew that he'd never be able to sleep soundly ever again. Before meeting John, his sleeping patterns had been chaotic. After he met John, that changed, and now that John had passed on, Randy knew that he'd never be able to rest. Ever.
"We may never meet again, but we will never forget each…"
No matter how hard Randy tried, he didn't cry. He couldn't. Not at the viewing. Not during the funeral service. And not as John's casket was being lowered into the ground. He didn't know why, but he just had the feeling that John wasn't actually dead. Perhaps it was because he had still been in shock at the time, but Randy just couldn't believe that John was no longer in his life. John's light shone too brightly for it to disappear so suddenly, right?
But now, after five weeks had passed, John still hadn't turned up with a cup of Randy's favorite coffee and that big grin on his face, laughing and carrying on as though everything was okay. Now, Randy knew that John's light had burned out and that it was never coming back…he was never coming back. To Randy. To the world that loved him so much.
Finally, the tears fell and Randy crumpled to the ground, unable to stand strong and proud before his husband's grave.
"We may never meet again, but we will never forget each other."