Doujinshi and the Damned

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Summary: When Cloud and Vincent start acting even more strangely than usual, Cid takes the obvious action of trying to figure out why he always gets paired with latter. Meanwhile, what could Shin-Ra possibly be up to when Rufus acquires a few strange obsessions...?

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A/N: Just a stupid one-shot chapter that I hope to continue into a crazy fic. Oh yeah. Don't be surprised if it's never updated, just like EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE EVER WRITTEN.

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1: Toilet Sacrifices

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Cid hadn't really gone into the bathroom of the Highwind for any real reason except for grabbing his trusty cleaning item/weapon he called to wipe up the vomit Yuffie had left on the floor of his precious ship after a bad bout of airsickness. (No one else was willing to help, and he sure as fuck wasn't gonna let a pile of half-digested sushi rot to hell inside of his baby.) However, he got a bit more than he had bargained for when he found himself blinking at the forms of Vincent and Cloud, who were hunched over in the darkness and sitting around a small bonfire they had managed to build out of about twenty of the pilot's empty cigarette boxes.

Cid said tentatively, scratching the back of his head as the aforementioned bishounen snapped out of their trances long enough to glance at him with half-closed eyes. What in the flyin' fuck are you guys doin'....?

Calling upon the powers of the Ancients to bring back our long lost lovers, they said tonelessly in unison.

Cid answered slowly, his eyes roaming over the room in search of his janitorial supplies. When he didn't see them, he cleared his throat. You boys wouldn't've happened to see my mop when y'were doin' that, would you....?

We used it as a sacrifice to the great Jabón Demon, they said, again in unison.

It was at that point that Cid decided it would be best to not get pissed and instead smile and nod and back out of the room, gently closing the door as he left.

He could've sworn he heard them chanting the lyrics to as he walked off, but he tried not to think too much of it. At least he had an excuse to not clean up Yuffie's mess quite yet and now knew that the recent increase in the ringing of the smoke alarm wasn't his doing.

Still, the encounter rang an ominous bell in the back of his mind, and stayed planted there, even as he went off to see if there was anything he could get busy with not doing before someone asked him to do something else....

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Ladies and gentlemen..... Rufus smiled wickedly as he clenched the sides of his podium with his fingerless gloves and leaned in closer to his microphone. I give you.............

He whipped a large cloth off of his pride and joy and yelled at the top of his lungs. THE X75648 2000--------NINJA ASSASSIN MODEL.

The room was silent save for the intermittent squeaking of chairs as the people seated in them shifted their collective weights uncomfortably.

Uh, Mr. President?

A hopeful smile. Yes, Tseng?

It's just a Robocop action figure.

A frustrated pause.

Well, you told us that you needed us to come up to your room for an urgent tech meeting.... The Turk leader's eyes roved dubiously from the action figure to the flower-patterned bedsheet that had been thrown off of it to the child-sized pink wicker chairs that he and his comrades were sitting on.

But it is urgent! Very urgent! Rufus answered indignantly, crossing his arms as he glared at his subordinate. Our company is lacking something quintessential that every respectable corporation should have!

Elena asked, currently slumped down in her chair with a disgruntled look on her face. Subsidiaries, stocks, merchandising, the mentality that the customer is always right'....?

Rufus sneered, obviously disgusted at the stupidity of what the blonde had just said. What we need is GIANT KILLER ROBOTS.

Another uncomfortable silence.

Uh, Prez, y'sure Diamond Weapon didn't even screw up your head even a teensy-weensy tiny bit....? Reno said gently, squinting one eye closed as he held his thumb and forefinger together.

Of course not! the young President huffed, his hands on his hips as a cultured expression appeared on his face. What do you take me for, some kind of plebeian fool with no knowledge of medical treatments?!? I had my brain cat scanned and cat scanned again---

Yeah, but that was because the results kept on coming up that you had severe cranial trauma.... Tseng interrupted quietly.

Rufus exclaimed, waving one hand in the air in dismissal. Those stupid doctors don't know anything!!!

I dunno.... Reno stuck his tongue in the side of his mouth as he tapped his nightstick on the ground and gave Rufus an examinately look. It gives cause to wonder when you drag us up to your room to give us a lecture on the microphone to your baby's-first-karaoke-machine....

Karao---What do you mean, baby's karaoke machine?!' Rufus growled, hands clenched at his sides.

You know, he's right...! Elena sat up and snapped her fingers in realization. I kept on thinking you were saying something about a purple dinosaur!!!

Rufus blinked, seeming to realize he was defeated as he looked towards the only member of his audience that hadn't said anything yet.

Rude..... what do you think?! Don't you agree that this company needs GIANT KILLER ROBOTS?!

But Rude just stood by the door and didn't say anything, because we all know that Rude isn't allowed to say anything in fanfictions.

What I wanna know, Reno cut into Rude's silence and motioned his head towards the Turk leader. Why's it that Tseng is suddenly not dead?

Tseng blinked, scratching his chin. You've got a point, there.... Why am I alive....?

And no one had an answer to that. Except for Rufus, who should've been dead too. But chronologically, his revival makes more sense. So there.

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It was the next day that Cid discovered something called

He had meant to come across that as much as he had wanted to come across Cloud and Vincent partaking in voodoo practices in the bathroom. But there he was, picking up after everyone who had hung out on the bridge that day and finding himself staring at the cover a book that seemed to be featuring....

Me an' Vincent...? He wondered distantly what the between their names meant and why the red caped man seemed to not be wearing a red cape in the picture (or anything else other than boxers, for that matter), before he opened up the book and began to flip through the illustrated pages.

It seemed all pretty amusing in the beginning, with Sephiroth laughing at a ridiculously emasculated Cloud in a schoolgirl outfit and everything, but soon, he found himself in the middle of the main story and barely had enough time to wonder why Vincent was touching the comic-book version of him in awkward places before he turned the page and blinked for five long seconds before screaming hysterically and flailing his arms wildly as he ran around the room.

Then he promptly fell to the ground.

When he came to, he immediately rushed to the bathroom that he knew his comrades weren't practicing the dark arts in and proceeded to throw off his gloves, toss them into his personal incineration pile, and scrub his hands until they were raw. He contemplated washing his eyes out with bleach, but then he realized that if he was blind, he wouldn't be able to fly anymore.

Stupid plane license requirements....

It wasn't until after he had collapsed into his bunk and stared at the ceiling for a while that he really thought about what he had just seen.

And it wasn't until he had gotten through another bout of screaming and yelling and whimpering and clutching a pillow to his face that he wondered where the cursed object had gone during his minute or so of unconsciousness and how it had gotten in his beautiful, too-good-to-be-tainted-by-such-evil airship in the first place.

Fuck.

Someone's ass was gonna get kicked....

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TO BE CONTINUED......