Hey, guys! I'm back from the dead! Sorry for not posting (not that I had anything to write). The computer that had all of my documents (posted and planned for posting) died. Unfortunately, we hadn't backed all of the files. It has been so long since my last post, Celestia already died. Don't murder me, and I'll see you at the end of the chapter.

Yeah, I know. That is the most fucking stupid thing to do, but even the dumbest of ponies wouldn't leave the rulers of Equestria. However, I'm not a pony. I don't remember exactly how I ended up in Equestria. I do remember landing in the Royal Gardens and being attacked by the Royal Guard.

"What is it?"

"Whoa!"

"Princess, stay back!"

I looked around, seeing the beautiful Princess Celestia being forced behind many guards. I tried to get up. Said action was followed by yelling and shouting. I held my hands up to show I was unarmed. Upon doing so, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. Reaching for it, I brushed my fingers on what was quite a large stick impaling my bicep. I fell onto my knees.

"Help..."

Shocked by me speaking, Princess Celestia told the guards to move. "Don't! He's hurt!"

Grabbing my arm, I walked over to the princess. "I need a doctor."

"Do not speak to the princess in that way!"

"Soul Patch, it is alright." She looked at me, then at the guards. "Guards, I believe I will be fine." Once again, she looked at me. "And please take him to the infirmary."

"With all due respect, ma'am, shouldn't we release this animal to the Everfree Forest?"

It seemed that the princess was getting irritated. "No, sir. That won't be necessary."

"Yes, ma'am. Monkey, follow me." I followed the guard known as Soul Patch. We walked in silence as I marveled at the size of the palace. "I don't know what you are, Monkey. You look different than the other apes." Soon, we stopped walking, but the destination wasn't the infirmary. I looked at the gates.

"I thought we were going to the-"

"I don't know who or what you are, but the fact that you happened to land in front of the princess is bullshit." The gates opened.

"What are you..." I suddenly knew what was happening. "Fuck you." The guards worked together and pushed into the dirt closing the gate behind me.

Eventually an insane pegasus by the name of Fluttershy fixed my arm. She was too clingy to "this poor animal." I managed to escape at night. Several months passed. Hope that the princess would realize what happened began to fade. Then, the years passed. Pretty quickly, I shunned from society. I must say, the Canterlot residents are very insultive, yet when threatened physically, they back away. Still, it hurt being alone. I found myself diving in dumpsters for my next meal. My last shower was... I have no idea when I last had clean clothes on my back. Today was a typical day, including searching for my meal and renovating. Yep, I had done it. I made a home for myself in the quiet alleys. It's amazing how much furniture is thrown out to "keep up with the trends." Eventually, I had obtained a birch wood table with a loose leg, a chair cushion, and a blanket. As if on schedule, another stuck-up, filthy rich pony dissed me off, throwing cakes of dirt and hurling rocks. Of course, I provided the usual response. I crawled toward him, pleading for him to stop, and as soon as I got close enough, I stood up, told him to go shove his bit chest up his ass before I did it for him. Examining the situation (the body size difference, the threat, and the shit running down his rear leg), the pony ran off.

Something seemed different, though. He ran off, disappearing behind a moving crowd. They seemed disgruntled over something. Very silently, I peered outside the alley. All these ponies looked to be heading toward the podium in the center of the city. Having learned every alley whilst surviving the day, you made your way to the center. The closer you got, the louder the cries of hate got. It began to become unbearably loud, and I started thinking they threw rocks.

"Silence!"

I knew who it was.

"Soul Fucking Patch," I whispered.

"I present Princess Celestia." The crowd was now silent aside for flashes from the press.

Oh, God, she was stunning.

"Citizens of Equestria, it has come to my attention that an unknown being has been residing in Canterlot's alleys. I understand that your daily tasks are difficult because of him, but I ask that you hear what I have to say. This is a rare species known as the homo sapiens, or humans. They share characteristic with other primates. From what I know he is still here. If you would be kind enough to report his whereabouts leading to his return, you will be greatly rewarded."

She actually cared for where I was?

As the princess concluded her announcement, she answered some questions.

"Do you believe this... human is friendly?"

She smiled. "I believe if you show kindness to him, your confrontation will be enjoyable." I could have sworn she looked straight at me. I ducked under the boxes I peeked through. I began to read over my thoughts, but they were plagued by the warmth and beauty of her face. Celestia's beautiful smile and...

Fuck, I shouldn't be setting such a high standard.

A few more questions were answered. They were along the lines of "Fuck the human. Isn't he dangerous." Once again, the princess smiled through it, responding positively about me.

"She doesn't even know me that well, yet she believes that I'm some kind of best friend."

Finally, the sun goddess prepared to exit, but a pony ran up the trail toward the podium.

"Princess Celestia, *pant* I *huff, cough* would be... honored if you would hear what to do with the predicament with the alley creature."

Instantly, she frowned. "Go on."

"I request that the being residing in the alley on Diamond Street be forcibly removed from the city."

"I don't see why that is necessary."

The pony looked at his papers. "It has been reported that the being named Alley Creature has committed crimes including arson, theft, kidnapping, rape, assault, and murder."

That liar! I clenched my fist. Why I'd...! I began to ponder what to do. After brushing off plans that would make the claims true, I made a dangerous choice.

"Those affected ask that you accept this offer and compensate them for their loss of safety."

Very slowly, I left my hiding spot. Unfortunately, my stealthy plan failed because of one thing: I looked like a beardy version of Shaquille O'Neal. Therefore, a walkway opened up. I approached the pony, for he had his backed turned to me. The crowd looked at me with disgust as I trekked through the sea that reeked of greed. I tapped his neck. He swung his head around, looking annoyed before being filled with dread. Behind him, Celestia waved off the guards.

"I don't know whose lies are on that picture," I cracked my knuckles, "but it really hurt my feelings." The princess winked before retreating to her carriage. "Looks like I'm a victim, and I'm in need of compensation." I moved my face at an intimidatingly close distance. "Don't worry," I say. "All I want is a punching bag."

The pony sobbed and pleaded. I rolled up my sleeves. I was ready to fuck him up. However, I felt something tell me not to. I fought it, but the warmth it gave me was indescribable. My fists dropped.

"As Princess Celestia had said, if you had shown me kindness at first, nothing bad should happen." I grinned. "I was in Earth's military force, in case you wondered. Let's just say it's worse than the Royal Guard, and honestly, even they scare you shitless. Sorry, bud, but your story will be more embarrassing than mine."

"Give me your worst."

I'd say the first day of writing was rough. For some reason, I had trouble setting into a past tense, first person story. Heh... Thanks for reading!

Any HELPFUL criticism is embraced and accepted.