So I love belle to death but I just honestly want her to be a selfish bitch and be happy? But I can't write yet another fic replacin her with my babe Lacey so here's something (a little more) in character, after ruby slippers.
The sheets in Belle's bed were cold, even after a night of tossing and turning, and it only helped her feel the hot tears on her cheeks. After what had happened at the docks hours before, she'd walked home in silence in her husband's arms, and then headed to bed without a word. She'd slept in the guest room. She was shaking, and for the thousandth time she told herself it was sadness, and not anger and guilt. Or want. The clock on her bedside table read 3:30 in the morning, but the sky here never changed and she needed some time to think, alone.
There was blood on her hands, she told herself, pulling her jacket over the shirt Rum had given her. That was shy she was feeling knots in the basin of her stomach. The shirt was soft and smelled like him, and another sob rose in her throat
She walked down the street under the red sky and her nails dug into her palms. She felt dirty and dark. Was this how Rumpelstiltskin felt? And if it was, should she be glad? She'd been thinking about what he'd said in the library, about happiness being a choice, and she hated how it made her feel. She had contemplated similar when she had first met Will.
Will... Will... she remembered. He had been everything she'd ever wanted. Their romance had been just as she had dreamed as a child. He was kind and pure and even despite that fact that she was married, she'd never felt sullied when they made love. If you could call it that, that was. All she had wanted to love him, to feel about him like she felt about Rum, and she couldn't. Or at least, that's what she'd always told herself. She'd said that love wasn't a choice, that you couldn't control who you give your heart to, but now, walking down the uncanny streets, she wasn't so sure. She wanted to believe that she was good and if she had her way she'd have a good marriage, but maybe that wasn't what she wanted. Maybe...
The wind was sharp and sounded like a lonely coyote. She wanted to be home, to be warm and... and in bed with her husband. She put her head in her hands. Belle hated herself sometimes.
Or all of the time. Whenever she thought about their marriage about him, about...
She gasped sharply and her crying grew more violent. Was that it? Was she the one she couldn't accept? She struggled to wipe away tears but more sprung forth. Was this even a realization? Or had she known that it was her own guilty conscience keeping her from happiness?
The metal of a park bench was frigid and hard and it only made her wish all the more to be home wrapped up in blankets. She would be, if she'd only let herself. Belle had always wanted to do the right thing, and until today she'd always believed that it would make her happy, but she'd been wrong. She'd said it on the docks that evening, without even thinking; She couldn't live with herself. And she was tired of it. He was right, it was time to choose love. Her breathing calmed as she stood and headed back to the edge of town. She prayed it was the baby in her belly make her feel like she was going to throw up.
Rumpelstiltskin stared down at his glass of whiskey. He could feel a storm brewing outside. The wind was always worse down here, colder and harsher and never ceasing. It blew the door right open, then, it seemed, just to prove a point. He looked up startled, only to see that with the storm had come his wife.
He swallowed as she pushed the door closed, and then stood silently, facing away from him. "Belle..."
He moved as if to go to her, but she turned and before he knew it, she was in his arms. He felt tears through his flannel shirt and she held him so tight he though she'd break his ribs. He wouldn't have minded so badly, just so long as she was here. His hand tangled itself in her hair as he attempted to sooth her. Perhaps she was the hurricane outside. "Darling, what's wrong? Oh Belle, why are you crying please..."
She cut him up abruptly, as much to her own surprise as to his. "Take me to bed" the words were muffled by his chest. "Please I... I know we need to talk I just... I want-" And with a wave of his hand they were there. He clothes were soaked and her hands shook as she cupped his face. "I love you..." She whispered, and a smile grew on her face. A real, genuine, happy smile.
"Oh sweetpea, I love you too. So much, and I'm sorry that I've been awful, I know I don-" She shook her head frantically and laughed and cried.
"No I... shhh. Rum, please, not now. I need you I..." He kissed her hard and pulled her closer. He practically had to peel her wet clothing from her. Her hands still wouldn't steady and he grinned as she worked to undo his buttons. He had missed this. She sighed as he kissed down her neck, collarbone, chest. Her hands were in his hair and she wiggled into his lap. Her skin was still goose-pimpled and pale and in comparison his touch was burning. Her knickers were gone and his hand found it's way between her legs. She lay her head against his shoulder and held him softly; she was tired and finally, she felt at home.
A sob rose in her throat and she told herself again and again that this didn't make her sinful or wrong, that she didn't have to punish herself for being with him, but it did little to ease her guilt. She pushed it to the back of her mind, and murmured in his ear pleas to go on.
An hour later the two lay together in the dark. He held her close and could feel her heart grow erratic. "Darling, are you alright?"
She'd always cried afterward, every time. This time, she understood why, but it only made it harder. Was she this full of self loathing?
He felt her shudder. He'd often laid awake and listened to her cry. Sometimes they'd talk, about her tears or about the sex or about anything, but sometimes he'd lay there and let her believe he was asleep. Not tonight, of course.
"Belle... my love, please don't cry. Did... did it hurt? Sweetheart we should talk, please talk to me..."
She turned to face him and nodded. Her hand found his cheek and she squinted to make him out in the dark. Her words were strangled still. "No, no... Darling you didn't hurt me don't worry". Her voice was weak. "I just... I need to learn not to feel... filthy, after". And when she saw the hurt and worry on her face, she continued quickly. "It's not your fault, it's not even you it's... It's me. It's all me Rum... I love you so much, I do". She laced her fingers though his and leaned forward so her forehead met his. "I... I loath myself when I think about you, or about us. You make me feel disgusting. I feel like a sinner, I feel... I hate myself"
Rumpelstiltskin's heart broke. "Belle, I'm so sorry I -"
Her finger was on his lip. "No, no, let me finish. I'm sorry that I made you feel like I couldn't accept you, because I was wrong: I couldn't accept myself". Her words were frantic and breathy. "I never wanted you to change because I honestly thought it would make you happy, or even because it would make you the man I want. I wanted you to change because being with you the way you are keeps me from being who I thought I'm supposed to be". She trailed off and stared past him.
"Belle, if being with me hurts, I won't stop you from leaving". She could hear pain in his voice.
"No that's not what I'm saying" He thought he heard he laugh. "I mean that I need to learn to love myself as I am, not as a perfect version of myself or..."
"You are perfect" He murmured.
"But I'm not pure. I'm not drawing away darkness or saving your soul"
"You don't need to be..."
"I know I... I know. Now. Rumpelstiltskin I was angry because I thought you chose darkness over me, but honestly, I think I chose morality over you. Or over happiness. Or over myself". He ran his hands over her skin softly. "I love you. And that used to be enough". She was whining and he could hear frustration in her throat. "I used to be happy, even when I knew you were being... cruel. As long as we were together and in love and being honest and kind, I was happy. And then I just... I remembered how things were supposed to be. I remember how I swore I'd be when I was a child; good and kind and pure. I wanted to be a hero, and as long as I wasn't trying to... make you better, that meant I was... I don't know, allowing you be evil? I felt... like I was rewarding you for being dark by... being with you"
"You're not a prize"
"And I'm not an angel. And that's... that's ok. That's..."
His eyes had adjusted to the dark and he leaned forward and pushed his lips to hers. He could feel a faint smile on her lips. She moved closer and snuggled into his arms. "Lovely I know I haven't made it easy, I know I'm hard to be with, and I'm sorry, I should have been better and from now on-"
"Rum, if you want to change for you, I'll stand by you, but if you think you have to change for me, don't. I mean, it's true love, yeah? All I ask is that you talk to me. I know I haven't always taken the truth well, but I want us to... to communicate. I love you, and I accept you and-"
"I swear, Belle, I will, I will. So long as..."
"As what?"
He shifted, and Belle stroked his cheek. "Please darling, I know you only do it when I've hurt you, but you have no idea how terrifying if feels when you... when you use the dagger".
Tears welled in her eyes and once again she hid her head in his chest. "I'm sorry Rum. I know It's awful, and thinking about it I feel like I've abused you and I promise, never again. I don't even want to touch the thing"
He kissed her temple. "Thank you, thank you so much Belle"
The wind howled outside and the trees scraped the windows. Rumpelstiltskin held his wife tighter. "Rum..." Her voice was weak. "Are we... do you think we're going to lose this baby"
"No". He sounded defiant and scared all at once. "Belle I am going to fight like hell for this child and I swear, in nine months you'll be a healthy mother and we... we'll be a family, darling". She didn't say anything. "I mean as long as... as that's what you want..."
"No it is, it is", but she sounded hesitant. "Sweetie I want to be with you, to have a baby with you more than anything it's just... I'm scared. Not just of Hades". She was holding him too tight and her heart was beating faster. "What if I stay so rigid, what if tonight fades and I... I never learn to chose love... What if I leave again..."
"Belle, you are strong and brave and loving and I know you've been hurt and had some... awful pious righteousness forced on you but you're more than that. This.. we're gonna be happy I promise".
She nodded slowly. He could feel her breath on his chest slowing. She must be exhausted. He ran is hand through her hair and drew patterns on her back until she she drifted to sleep.
He lay awake, thinking about all she'd said. He'd never realized, and it made him angry. He should have known, he was being selfish. He had been so caught up with how she'd treated him, and He should have seen how much pain she was in.
He had been right, even if he hadn't meant it in such a way, when he'd said it was up to her to chose love. And he was so glad that she had.