It's sad to watch a truly vibrant person dwell amongst the dull and mundane. It's even worse when that shining star wishes she were more like the bland, black sky around her. I never realized that until I watched her singing and doing her homework that night. I had been walking past Rogue and Kitty's door. It was open, and the most unlikely music was floating out into the hallway. Rogue was listening to Fiona Apple? Too strange to believe, but it was true enough. I stopped to look in. She was lying on her stomach on her bed, working on something and singing along lightly. One song ended and the next began. It opened with a rather moving piano and violin. Then the words began, and I really looked at my friend for the first time in a long time.
You'll never
see - the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you
But as the scenery
grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
Each word struck some deep chord in the corner of my heart where I kept Rogue. I never realized till then what a small space it was, or that it was even there. I'd always been to concerned with the monumental part devoted to Jean. Some part of my acknowledged Rogue's hidden affections for me, but I'd always just dismissed the idea. It was a passing crush. She'd get over it when she realized how unrequited her affection were. I just wanted to be her friend. I just wanted to get underneath that shell to be her friend. I never admitted to myself that I had already touched her more deeply and intimately. People say lots of things about lying. A very common thing is that lying hurts the liar more the person lied to. So what if you're not just lying to some one else, but also lying to yourself? I always thought I was an honest, upstanding guy. Hell, that's what I get shit for, even from my own team. Now I won't even get to tell the truth. God, when did that moment pass me by?
You'll say you
understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
You'll never
touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you
When she was still with the Brotherhood and we were trying to recruit her, I said all sorts of bullshit. Hell, I kept saying it even after she saved my life. Have I ever said an honest word to her? I said a hell of a lot of things to gain her trust, to make her open up. I told her I'd be there for her, that I wouldn't give up on her, that I wanted her trust and friendship. Then what did I do? I played lap dog for Jean. It's like opening a treasure chest and then turning around and running off after a different treasure, without even looking at the one you have. I had one of the most precious treasures laid out before me, and I wouldn't even look at it. I guess I was scared. A star that burns as bright as she does would vaporize a guy like me. Now I'll never get to feel that passion, that fire hiding under poisonous skin. Maybe she would have reduced me to ashes with her love, but…what a way to go.
You'll say,
Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
You'll never
live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the
scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
Alright, how guilty is this song going to make me feel for all my bullshitting? Oh, wait…that's the idea, isn't it? One of these days, I'll figure out just how many times I've let her down and how many times the X-Men have let her down. Sure, we don't let her die or incur much serious physical harm, but what's the point if she keeps getting scars anyway. Everyone here keeps trying to make her like us. To interact normally with people. I realize now that is an unfair expectation and a cruel thing to taunt her with. What have we done to her help her? Not a goddamned thing. Maybe we've taught her how to pretend to be normal. To hide her absolute anguish over her life. She still can't touch anyone; she probably won't ever be able to. She has to be painfully careful just to hug her brother or her friends. She'll never have a normal romance, no matter how much anybody here tells her she can do anything she wants. Yeah, all we've done is forced her to hide how unhappy she is because she'll never live the life she dreams of.
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
As the song drew to a close, Rogue felt that she was being watched. She looked up. "Scott, do ya need somethin'?"
Scott shook himself out of his thoughts. "No, I'm just looking for Jean."
"Oh!" Rogue hopped up quickly and removed the CD from her stereo. "When you find her, would you give her this? Tell her she was right, I did like it."
He took the CD carefully from Rogue's ungloved hand. 'She probably took them off to make writing easier.' He smiled somewhat sadly. "Sure, I'll tell her. See you later."
She gave him a quick smile of thanks, then spun around to return to her homework. Scott watched as she lay back down and continued her work. Then he wandered off to find his girlfriend, never to think such thoughts about Rogue again. 'But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.'
Author's Notes: I don't think it's any secret that I don't like Scott, or Jean for that matter. They bug me because they're the worst kind of liars: hypocrites. But this songfic wasn't meant to bash either of them. I was listening to this song, and it made me think of how Rogue "fits", or doesn't, into the X-Men. Then I thought about how much I wanted Scott to know that he's a prick and why. So I decided to write this story as much about regret as anything else. You miss things when you don't pay attention, and it takes a strong person to admit that he missed something good and to realize that he hurt some one else in the process. I'm thinking about doing a second chapter about Jean and her mistakes, but I haven't decided on a good song. Anyone know of a song that somehow captures the whole Scott/Jean/Duncan dynamic? I was thinking of "Criminal" by Fiona Apple, but I'm still not sure. Anyway! Please review with your thoughts and suggestions. Thank you very much!