iBlind Date
Carly Shay was an insomniac. She couldn't sleep. She could never sleep. The only thing that allowed her to sleep peacefully at night was five-foot-three, blonde, and radiated a heat the likes of which, Carly hazarded, only existed on the surface of the Sun. Without Sam Puckett against her hip, Carly Shay tossed and turned all night, every night.
Carly bit her pillow and screamed out of frustration. She couldn't take it anymore. It was two o'clock in the morning and her blonde bedfellow was sleeping half a city away. So much had gone on lately. It was making her crazy. She was manic and restless. She sat up in bed, fumbling with the sheets. She reached in the darkness for her laptop, still open at the foot of her bed from earlier that evening. She wasn't the same girl everyone thought she was. Sam Puckett was rubbing off on her. Carly Shay was a bad girl.
Carly logged on to Why Not Date Me dot com. She'd lied about her age, of course, but what of it? She hadn't dated in nearly a month… and hadn't been on a good date in she couldn't remember how long. She knew she needed a change. She decided to finally indulge the little voice inside her head – the little voice that she routinely bitch-slapped into submission by telling herself it didn't exist. She clicked on the main screen of the popular dating site and found – to her utter shock – that she had a new email. She had only set up the account earlier in the evening, thanks to Spencer's stored credit card information. Fudging the truth as to her date of birth was a necessary evil, of course… we wouldn't want minors looking for love in all the wrong places, now would we?
Carly had finally decided to indulge the voice inside of her head – the one who kept telling her that she wasn't having success with men for a reason. She had decided to re-invent herself, ever so slightly, as a trim, fit, eighteen year old looking to embrace the love that dare not speak its name.
Her hands shook as she opened the new email message.
Hey there!
Seems like you and I are in the same boat… We're about the same age. I'm in Seattle too… That's kind of funny isn't it? I wonder if we've ever passed each other on the street and never known it. So… Tell me a bit about yourself. You sound like a pretty awesome chick. If nothing else, maybe we could get together sometime and just go for coffee or something… my treat…
Let me know.
The email was signed with a simple smiley face. Carly Shay's own heart was lodged in her throat. What was she supposed to be feeling? She had never acknowledged feelings like this before, but, Carly had to admit, she relished the attention. She clicked on the girl's handle, which opened her own profile. Carly, as nervous as she was, deep down, knew what she liked, and she certainly liked what she saw.
Without thinking about what she was doing, Carly responded to the email. What could it hurt? They were relatively the same age and this girl – whoever she was – was local. She was local and, more importantly, she was blonde. Carly's two criteria right off the bat. She had no criteria to judge same-sex relationships by, in terms of statistics, but she figured to meet her three main criteria – age, location, and appearance – on the very first go-round had to be some kind of land speed world record.
Hey there yourself,
I really don't know what to say, since I'm totally new to all of this. Don't get me wrong, I've just never done the online dating thing before and, sadly, I must admit, have, up to now, only dated boys. Is that sad? Anyway… not to sound too forward, but I have to tell you, given what you've said about yourself online, I'd absolutely like to meet up sometime. Some people might think it's sketchy, since neither of us have put pictures or video up online, but I think that just makes you all the more mysterious – and I kinda like it. It sort of gets my mind going, which can be fun, know what I mean? I don't really know where to go from here, but I don't think I'd be satisfied with just coffee. If we're going to do this, why not do it right, right? What do you say to an honest-to-goodness, full-fledged date?
Carly signed her email with a similar smiley face, hers sticking its tongue out, either to be cute or to mean the she wanted… well, that was for her mystery woman to decide.
She finally managed to drift off to sleep. It had been a long day. A long day filled with gender dysphoria. She had, at long last, come to terms – utterly and completely – with something she had suppressed for years. She knew, for the first time in her life, exactly who she was. She knew who she was and, moreover, she knew who she was meant to be. It would be awkward. It would be uncomfortable. It would probably be downright painful at times, but she knew it could be only this way. She drifted off to sleep with thoughts of two women wrestling for dominion over her dreams – the woman she knew as intimately as she was able – Sam Puckett – and the faceless, anonymous butch lesbian who took enough of an interest in her semi-fictitious online profile to email her out of the clear blue and ask if she legitimately felt like 'getting together sometime'. Carly knew how to play The Euphemism Game well, and she knew that 'Let's get together sometime' would likely mean exposure to things Carly wasn't sure if she was ready for – like someone other than Sam seeing her naughty parts. That would be weird. She knew Sam's only hang-up was the word 'panties'. She could change clothes in front of Sam fifteen times a day if she wanted to and Sam Puckett wouldn't bat an eyelash. Someone else? Well… she didn't know if she could do that. She knew she couldn't worry about that now, or she'd get no sleep and be completely dead on her feet the next day. It was time to sleep.
RIDGEWAY HIGH SCHOOL, THE NEXT MORNING…
"Hey ya, Carls! What's shakin'?"
Carly Shay nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of her friend's voice.
"Relax there, Cupcake… it's just me…"
Sam's hand gently found the small of Carly's back. If anyone else saw this, they would see it for what it truly was – intimacy of the highest order – but to Carly Shay, this was simply Sam Puckett being Sam Puckett. She couldn't speak. She couldn't tell Sam everything she wanted to. She couldn't tell Sam that she fell asleep dreaming of her, all the while excited over having a date this Friday with a woman whose name she didn't even know. She couldn't even imagine telling Sam what she felt right now. Electricity was traveling up her spinal cord into her brain and radiating heat throughout her entire body – all because of one simple, innocent little touch.
"Sam… I just had a weird night last night. Do you think it's weird if I give that online dating stuff a try? I mean, it works for a lot of people…"
Sam laughed.
"Yeah, Carls… it works for people… like Fredward…"
Sam didn't let on that she herself had turned to the power of the internet – funded by Pam Puckett's credit card – in search of romance. If she couldn't have the one she wanted, she'd at least settle for a reasonable facsimile. Nothing would come close to her Cupcake, but Sam knew that the one she wanted was also the one she would never be able to possess. There was simply no way.
BUSHWELL PLAZA, THAT EVENING…
Carly Shay was a nervous, twitchy mess of a woman. She'd been on pins and needles all day, wondering if she'd hear from her mystery date. She did and secretly was doing her little happy dance – on the inside. She could've been doing it on the outside, for all it mattered. Sam was completely oblivious. She was sprawled across Carly's bed, sucking down one of Carly's root beers. Carly gave Sam a quick glance and couldn't help but smile. Sam's lips curled suggestively around the lip of the glass bottle.
"Oh, I wonder what else she could curl her lips around…" Carly thought to herself. She read her email over and over again, completely enthralled with the girl she'd meet for the first time on Friday night. She wondered how well they'd get along. Maybe there'd actually be something of substance here – a real relationship… except that she knew it couldn't be. She knew that no matter how well her date went, this girl couldn't ever compare. Carly knew that whatever happened Friday night might be fun, might be exciting… it might even cause her to feel warm and fuzzy inside – but it would all be built on a lie. The only woman Carly Shay ever wanted in her life was laying right where she wanted her – sprawled across her bed at this very moment. The girl who made Carly's insides turn into sweet, sticky, gooey caramel would never love her back. As desperately as Carly wanted to jam their bodies together, like puzzle pieces seeking a mate, she knew that she was nothing more to Sam than her Cupcake. She was Sam Puckett's Cupcake. She would never be the one who lit Sam's soul on fire, this much was clear. If she was, it would have happened by now.
Carly knew that she needed to say something. She couldn't keep it inside anymore.
"Hey Sam…?"
"That's the name, Carlotta… What's shakin', Cupcake?"
"Remember you asked why I was so jumpy at school today… and about what I said about the online dating thing?"
"Uh, yeah, Carls… what gives?"
"I've got a date this weekend…"
Carly's voice sang.
"What's the big deal, Cupcake? You've dated loads of guys before… why's this one so special?"
Carly felt her face flush and her throat constrict. She had trouble swallowing. She did it anyway and spoke as best she could.
"Ummm… Uh… Sam… because this one is… umm… well… not a boy…"
Sam Puckett was stunned. Her tone, she knew, came across as unduly harsh.
"WHAT? You've got a date… with a girl?"
Carly felt as though she might cry.
"Sam… Please… you're my best friend… I need to know you're okay with this… It's not like that… it's just… I just…"
Carly felt defeated. Sam wasn't angry. She was just stunned.
"Carls… it's your life. It's just that… it's the last thing in the world that I expected. Just do me a favor, Cupcake?"
Carly nodded.
"Be safe, Cupcake…"
Carly's face reddened.
"Sam!"
"Not like that, Cupcake… be safe with your heart, I mean… I don't want you to get hurt…"
Carly assured her she wouldn't. She made Sam a deal. If she felt that her date was going South, she'd call Sam. Carly's attention drifted back to her email. It made her flush all over again. They'd exchanged several emails that day – including while Carly and Sam were supposed to be studying. Carly read through the thread of email, beginning with her new friend's second email, which was sent very early Monday morning, while Carly was still asleep.
Really? Honestly, that'll be a first. I'm not out myself yet, except to one person. I'm sure my best friend could probably guess, but I could never tell her... She's just the sweetest thing, and besides, she's into boys, so that wouldn't work...
Anyways... enough of me babbling. Let me know when and where and I'll be there with bells on. Hope you don't mind butch girls, because I'm not one of those girly girls - that's my sister. But anyway... Let me know when works. I'm anxious to meet.
Hey,
I'm not out either, so don't feel bad. I think it's funny and adorable that you have such a crush on your friend. It's too bad she's straight. I can totally relate. I have the biggest crush in the world on my BFF. I'm fairly sure she's gay, but, you know, how do you ask? I mean, I try to do everything I can to show her how I feel, but it's been years and no luck yet. About our date, how about dinner at The Palomino this Friday night at 8:00? Hope that's cool with you... I'm looking forward to meeting you.
Hey Girl,
Are you serious? The Palomino is a pricey restaurant, but if you want to, I'm totally down. You buying? See you Friday at Eight. How will I know you when I see you? Anyway... I'm really looking forward to getting together. It'll be a good time.
Later…
Carly fired off a quick email to her date, hoping she'd get a response sometime between now and bedtime tonight. Deep down, she knew that she would. She was really beginning to trust this girl, enough though she didn't even know her name. Carly almost didn't care. She was beginning to trust her, even over the internet, anonymously. She was basically becoming the digital version of Sam Puckett. Carly Shay couldn't help but chuckle to herself as her fingers flew gracefully across the keyboard. She was beginning to trust this girl she didn't even know on par with Sam, with whom Carly shared everything, even the most private, intimate details of her life. Things were officially getting weird.
Hey-ya,
Okay, so things are officially weird here tonight. I told my best friend that I was dating a girl, and she like totally wigged out. I guess I've got my answer. I guess she's totally not gay after all. I guess she's just… Butch, I guess, is the right word. I guess she just can't deal. It's weird, because I could've sworn she was gay. I mean, we've known each other forever, and it'll break my heart if this hurts our friendship, because it's pretty much what we've got left. I mean, if I can't be with her, you know, that way... that's okay. I'll deal. We've just been friends for, like, ever and I don't want to lose that, you know? Anyway, enough about me… How was your day? I'm excited to meet you.
Carly needed to fix this. She was scared and hurt and she absolutely didn't want to be alone tonight. She sat up and scrambled to her feet, her laptop now powered off and tucked under her arm. She made her way to her bed, with Sam still lying there, and flounced down next to her. She was sniffly.
"Sam…?"
Sam Puckett was instantly in the zone. This was important.
"What's the matter, Carls?" She slung her arm around the brunette's shoulders.
Carly Shay sniffled. She was hurt. She needed to hear – directly from Sam – that things were okay.
Carly's wide chocolate eyes brimmed with tears as she gave Sam Puckett quivering, little girl boo-boo lips. She was instantly five years old. She was a terrified little girl, scared to death of being punished for committing some mortal sin.
"Sam… please… please don't hate me… I go out with boys and… there's… there's no magic. I thought… thought… that if I… that dating a girl would be different… better, somehow… I don't know…"
Sam shushed her even while her own soul sang for joy within her chest.
"Carls, hush… What on Earth ever gave you the idea that I could…" Sam couldn't finish the thought. It was too repugnant, too disturbing. "… that I could ever… that I was at all angry with you, Cupcake?"
Carly's cheeks flushed. This was the Sam Puckett she knew. The woman who would selflessly protect her from anything and everything under the sun. Carly realized now that all Sam was doing was safeguarding her heart. She was closer to Carly than anyone and wouldn't allow anyone close to the Cupcake if they were to hurt her.
"But you yelled at me, Sam…"
"Mama didn't yell, Cupcake… Mama was shocked. Mama had no way to know that was coming…"
Carly's heart jumped and danced inside her chest. She loved being Sam's Cupcake and she thought Sam's own nickname for herself was just priceless.
"Sam… Can I ask you a favor?" Carly Shay was still trembling.
"Of course, Cupcake… I'm your girl…"
Carly wished.
"Sam… I don't… I don't wanna be alone tonight… Stay with me?"
Sam paused a long moment, as though considering the brunette's offer, although, truly, Sam's mind was instantaneously made up.
"But of course, Cupcake… on one condition…"
Carly's nose twitched. It couldn't decide if she was fighting a sneeze or a sniffle. Sam laughed at her.
"What?..." Carly whined, clearly mistaking Sam's intentions.
"Easy there, Cupcake… One condition and one condition only… My only condition is you take it easy on me in bed. You tend to get all kicky in your sleep lately."
Carly smiled and giggled. Sam knew exactly which buttons to push.
All of a sudden, Carly felt her pulse quicken. Something was very wrong. What the fuck was going on? What the fuck was Sam doing? This wasn't right… This didn't make any goddamn sense. This was totally and completely awesome.
Without so much as a whisper spoken between them, Sam Puckett leaned in and kissed Carly Shay. She kissed Carly square in the center of her forehead. Unbeknownst to Sam, this was exactly what Carly's mother used to do after tucking baby Carly into bed when she was a tiny little girl. Carly's insides were electrified.
"Ohmygod… Ohmygod… Ohmygod… Sam. Puckett. Just. Kissed. Me." Carly's thoughts were a jumbled mess.
"Now, Cupcake… off you go… shower. We have school in the morning."
Grudgingly, Carly agreed, whining the whole way. Sam loved it. She'd never let Carly know, but she savored each and every second as she watched Carly leave the room and saunter into the bathroom. The sway of her hips had a hypnotic pull over Sam.
As soon as Carly was safely in the shower, Sam pulled out and powered on her own laptop. She hated this sneaking around shit, but she couldn't let on – not even to her Cupcake – that the Great Sam Puckett needed a little internet magic in order to get lucky. She opened the web browser and pointed it to her account at Why Not Date Me dot com. She wondered if she had heard back from her secret crush. She had. Instinctively, she responded.
Yo Babe,
That's really freakin' jank that everything hit the fan for you tonight. I'm really sorry that your lady-friend reacted that way. I can handle myself pretty well when push comes to shove… Want me to have a little 'talk' with this broad for you? Her tuggin' at your heart strings like that just ain't cool…
I had a pretty messed up night myself. That sweet little gal-pal of mine? She's into girls! I don't think I have a snowcone's chance with her… I mean, we've known each other since we were kids… wouldn't that be like kissing your sister or some shit?
Look, I don't want to seem too forward or like I'm taking advantage of you or the situation or anything, but if the one you were into isn't in the picture, does that mean that this might be something more than just a dinner date? I mean, seriously, no pressure… it takes a special kinda chick to handle me, but, in all honesty, I'd kind of like someone to call my own… someone who… you know… just digs me for me…
Anyhow, going to call it a night for now. Seriously looking forward to dinner. Let's hope it's the first of many.
Sam heard the water cut off. She was a bundle of nerves now. She hastily powered off the laptop and stuffed it back into her book bag. Cupcake couldn't know what she'd been up to. It would've made her look like a total hypocrite. She hated keeping anything from her little Cupcake, but how would she explain this? She wanted the one she wanted, but now it was even more complicated. Now there was actually a possibility of that happening, which weirded Sam out even more. She wanted that more than anything in the world. She would stop the Earth from revolving around the Sun if that's what Carly Shay wanted. In her heart, Sam Puckett knew no woman would ever fully complete her. The only woman who could possibly do that was maybe twenty feet away, probably towel-drying her naked body right now. She needed to fight it all. Being Sam Puckett meant one thing and one thing only – being in control at all times. Carly couldn't see her like this. What would that do for her image?
The bathroom door opened and Carly stepped into the room. Sam thought she would have a heart attack right then and there. It took all the restraint and resolve in her entire body to suppress the fire in her chest. What stood there before her – just within her grasp – was the closest thing to perfection she would ever know. Her Angel, Carlotta Taylor Shay, with wet hair, wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt.
Sam wanted to do so very many terribly inappropriate things right now, but she knew she couldn't. Carly's feelings were far more important than Sam's own. Her own needs and desires – her own emotional and physical gratification – needed to wait. Tonight was about protecting the Cupcake. She needed big, tough, strong, puffed up Sam tonight… not Sam's soft, gooey inside… not her inner daffodility. Carly spoke and it nearly stopped Sam's heart, dead in her chest.
"Hey…"
What the hell was she doing? What the fuck did she mean, Hey…? After all these years, she had to know the effect… the power she held over her. This was not good. Bad! Bad! Bad, Bad Cupcake!
"Hey there, Cupcake…"
Carly grinned, if only briefly. She crossed the floor and collapsed into Sam's waiting arms. This was where she knew she could feel safe.
"Sam? Are you sure you're really not mad at me for… you know… for dating a girl?"
Sam's first instinct was to laugh, because the question itself was ludicrous. Had Carly Shay truly not been paying attention? Did she not notice the ring on her finger or the fact that every boy she'd ever attempted to date flamed out fucking miserably? She knew that she couldn't. She knew that the Cupcake was different from her. She knew that the Cupcake would take more laughter as a sign that she was making fun of her or that she disapproved of Carly's newfound sexual experimentation…identity… whatever this was…
"God, no, Cupcake… I'm not mad. You do see, though, how that was the last thing in the world I ever expected to hear from you… so of course I was more than a little… well… surprised…"
Sam held her close and tight. Goddammit. She could smell Carly's coconut shampoo, and it made Sam want to bury her mouth against Carly's neck and do bad, bad things.
"Cupcake… whatever will make you happy will make me happy for you. Just, like I said, be careful with your heart. You're too special to me. If someone hurt you… I'd have to take them apart…"
Sam adored the warmth radiating into her chest and shoulder from Carly's damp, lithe body. It was ninety eight point six degrees of pure heaven. If Sam Puckett could play God and have her Word become Gospel, each and every morning and night would be this way. She loved Carly Shay with the completeness and entirety of her very being. She was meant for her, just as her sister was meant to be with… That Boy.
Carly Shay's body shuddered slightly as Sam felt what had to be a yawn escape into the tense musculature of her shoulder. She knew that her precious little Cupcake had to be exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Sam ushered her into bed.
"C'mon, Cupcake… into bed you go…"
"No, Sam…" Carly whined like a little girl wanting to stay up an extra ten minutes past her bedtime.
"Methinks thou dost protest too much, Cupcake… I said into bed with you…" She was playful yet firm.
"And where you going?" Carly sounded crestfallen at the thought that precious Mama Puckett would abandon her.
"Going nowhere, Cupcake… you get all snuggled in while I get ready. I'll be under the covers before you know it, okay?"
Grown up Carly Shay was ready to throw a little girl temper tantrum when she felt Sam squeeze her hand gently. She knew Sam was telling her the truth.
Carly gave in to Sam and toddled like a little child to her side of the bed. It was always the same. Whenever Sam spent the night, Carly took the side of the bed nearest the wall, allowing Sam the room to stretch out. She snuggled into a near-fetal position as Sam withdrew to the bathroom for the briefest of moments. Carly was a jumble of raw nerves, but she had what she wanted. She knew that her precious Sam would be back very soon to keep her warm, safe and sound. She yawned again. Life was perfect. If only… God, how Carly wished Sam would love her the way Carly wanted her to.
It was only a matter of minutes before Sam was back at Carly's bedside. She was near naked this time – as nearly naked as she would ever be – a black sports bra covering her only truly female features, juxtaposed against a very baggy, masculine pair of boxer shorts. Sam Puckett was a contradiction in terms.
She slid gently into bed next to Carly. She wanted to stay here for the remainder of her natural life. She adored this woman. She had for years. She would as long as there was breath in her body.
Feeling Sam's hips and pelvis against her, Carly Shay's body relaxed. Sleep was overtaking her. She was so sleepy that her brain's internal censor had no control over the words that escaped her lips. The little man inside her head was asleep at his desk in-between her ears. The words came out in a garbled mess, otherwise unintelligible.
Sam's ears pricked up. She was a hunting dog. Had she heard what she thought she'd just heard? Did Carly Shay just mumble something that sounded an awful, awful lot like 'I love you, Sam…'?
Sam knew from the ragged, shallow breaths that Carly Shay was sound asleep. She had heard them thousands of times before. She could set her watch by them. Carly would be out cold until six o'clock the next morning. She stroked Carly's chocolate locks gently. She always had.
Listening to the rhythmic rising and falling of Carly's chest, Sam Puckett sang softly into her Cupcake's ear, for no one but herself.
"…Goodnight, my angel, time to close your eyes…"
"…and save these questions for another day…"
"…I think I know what you've been asking me…"
"…I think you know what I've been trying to say…"
"…I promised I would never leave you… and you should always know…"
"…Wherever you may go… No matter where you are…"
"…I never will be far away…"
SOMETIME IN THE EARLY MORNING…
Sam Puckett jolted awake. She was thankful that she was not male, because, were she, Carly Shay would have just inflicted serious damage. She was clearly asleep, but dreaming vividly – and explicitly. Carly had rolled over in her sleep, now facing Sam. Her knee was between Sam's thighs. Her lips… Oh God… her lips were against that special spot on her neck that, if treated appropriately, would result in the Epic Fail of Sam Puckett's entire anatomy. Her bones and muscles would instantaneously turn into chunky red goo and Sam would be completely powerless against whatever might come.
She knew she needed to fight the urge to submit to the unintentional advances of Sleepy Carly, because she couldn't form the intent. Carly would never be doing these things if she were awake. Despite the fact that Carly would be going on a dinner date with some woman this weekend, Sam knew that this had to be a phase. Girls like Carly don't just randomly decide to play for the other team. Sam knew that this was just Carly seeing what the game was like without the Designated Hitter Rule.
Not that Sam wanted Carly to play Designated Hitter. If Sam managed the team, Sam would be the star pitcher with Seattle's most beautiful Cupcake behind the plate. That just made sense to her.
God, how she wanted Carly to be awake so this could actually mean something. It was an impossible position. Carls needed her sleep, so Sam would do nothing to wake her, but she needed Carls to be awake, so she would know if any of this meant anything.
She had her answer.
Carly's lips were now affixed to her very special place.
Good God… Yep! That was it. That would certainly leave a big fucking mark in the morning.
Sam didn't give a good goddamn. She just lay there, completely fucking confused. She was in agony and ecstasy at the very same moment. She was in pain because she couldn't react the way her body was commanding her to, out of respect for Carls. She was filled with unadulterated joy that it was even happening at all, regardless of whether or not she would ever speak of it.
It would be one hell of a long night.
THE NEXT MORNING, BEFORE SCHOOL…
"Uhh… Um… Sam…?"
Sam turned to look at Carly. She was halfway to the bathroom to retrieve her previously worn clothes for school.
"Yeah, Carls?"
The brunette fumbled for words. It wasn't appropriate to point something like this out, even in the privacy of her bedroom, and she had no idea if her mind was just playing a sick joke on her. It had to have been there the night before.
"Nothing… Thanks for staying with me last night. You're the best…"
"Don't mention it, Cupcake…"
"Sure, Sam… Next time you have a date with a girl you've met online, just call me and tell me to spend the night. I'll be right over."
Carly shot Sam a grin.
Carly had no goddamn idea.
Sam was nervous as hell. She had plans this weekend. She never had plans that didn't involve Carly Shay. What if Carls wanted to hang out or do whatever? How was she supposed to lie to her Cupcake? Other people, sure… that was no problem, but to Carly Shay? That was damn near impossible. Carls was her Kryptonite. Carls de-Sam Pucketted her. Carly Shay made her a normal, everyday girl. Normally, Sam hated that weak, vulnerable, paper-thin feeling. That feeling was meant for other people – people who hadn't lived through the life that she and Melanie had lived. When she was with Carly, though, she was okay with being that exposed – that bare naked – to the world. With Carly, nothing else mattered. They were together. The rest of it was just details.
RIDGEWAY HIGH SCHOOL, FRIDAY MORNING…
Carly Shay was walking on air. She bounced when she walked and actually found herself singing absentmindedly at her locker only to be distracted by the arrival of Freddie Benson.
"Hola, Chica…"
Freddie somehow thought this was cute.
"Uh… Hey Freddie…"
She smiled. He would never be her second husband – primarily because she knew that she would never have a husband – but she loved him all the same.
"You seem awful cheery today… What's up?"
Before Carly could open her mouth to answer, Sam Puckett jumped in and answered for her.
"Carls has a big date tonight, Fredwardo…"
"SAM!"
Sam was smug. Carly was instantly angry, yet aroused at the same time.
"The boy asked a question, Carlotta… I simply provided an answer…"
"SAM!"
She was pissed, but this was Sam Puckett. She was evil. Carly could never stay mad at her, even when she wanted to. In alternating moments, she wanted to yank Sam to the floor by the hair for a good old-fashioned cat fight, but yet part of her wanted to fall inside her mouth and kiss her until she had to come back up for air. This was the war she was fighting with herself. She was both black and white sides of the chess board at once. Freddie was right. Sam was a blonde headed demon. The problem was that Carly Shay was beginning to think that she loved the blonde headed demon.
Freddie looked somewhat slack-jawed at the mention of Carly once again having a romantic life. He wished he could have been part of it, but he'd been barking up that tree ever since the sixth grade, with no success whatsoever. He offered her all that he could – en Español, of course.
"Ooh, muy caliente, mamacita…"
Carly chuckled. He was a nub and a half, but she would always love him.
Freddie turned to Sam, hoping to God that she would save him from another one of his mother's inane classes at the Rec Center.
"Hey Puckett, I was thinking, do you wanna…?"
Sam wouldn't even let him finish the sentence.
"Can't, Fredward. Got plans. Have fun quilting with Mommy Dearest…"
Carly felt sorry for him. She pulled Freddie close and hugged him.
"You're such a great friend, Freddie… so many girls would be lucky to have you."
He flushed. He knew he could never be with Carly Shay, but he certainly had just gotten an up-close-and-personal view of her cleavage, whether intentional or not. He would be good for a while.
Carly slammed her locker shut, told Sam to save her a seat in homeroom, and skipped off down the hall, towards the ladies room.
BUSHWELL PLAZA, AFTER SCHOOL…
"What do you think of this one?"
Sam rolled her eyes at yet another blouse.
"Carls… Jesus… you're freakin' hot! Whatever you wear will make you look freakin' hot… just pick one already!"
"Sam!"
"Well, it's true, Cupcake… Have you checked the mirror lately? You're hot! It's just a fact!"
Carly didn't believe it. She never had. She was just another girl. Sam and Freddie just said these sorts of things to her and she had no idea why. She was no different – no prettier or smarter or more intriguing – than any other girl in Seattle.
Carly was taking too long at this. Sam did what she had to do. She would pick out Carly's outfit, since, if left to her own devices, Carly'd be meeting her date for breakfast rather than dinner. Sam flung open Carly's closet and set to work.
What Carly Shay couldn't accomplish in forty-five minutes, Sam Puckett had completed in just under three. She decided that Carly's final choice of a navy blue blouse was as good as any. She paired that with her best black skirt, leaving Carly with the task of picking out her 'unmentionables'. Sam would never touch those, except by engraved invitation, and she knew that wouldn't be forthcoming. Carly was her Cupcake, and Cupcake had some other woman in mind tonight. It infuriated Sam to no end, but she loved Carly more than anything in this world. For Carly, she would endure any indignity known to man, including seeing Carls flaunt her cupcakes in front of some woman who would never appreciate them.
Sam checked the time. It was getting late. She needed to make some sort of excuse, as painful as it would be, to make an exit. She didn't want to leave Carls. When they were together, everything felt right in the world. With Carls, Sam's mother was no longer an alcoholic. Her sister was still at home. She felt smart and self-confident. That sweet little brunette was the salve that healed her, even though she was mortally wounded. She was the security blanket that kept her warm and safe even though it was storming right outside her window. Sam Puckett couldn't bear that kind of loss. She felt like a real girl when she was with Carls. She was terrified of the moment when the clock would strike midnight and the spell would be broken. She didn't want to turn back into a giant pumpkin.
Carly could read the blonde like a book. She knew something was off.
"Sam… What gives? You're all… wiggy…"
Sam knew what she wanted to do. More than anything in the world, she wanted to take Carly Shay by the shoulders, shake her, beg her to call off this date with a woman who could obviously never properly love her, and stay here with the one person in the world who could and would.
Sam knew that this was what she wanted, but she respected – No – she loved Carly too much to do that. If Carly would be happy with someone else tonight, then Sam Puckett would wish her the best, because, she knew that if you loved something enough, you had to love it enough to let it go.
She wanted to say the words so badly. She wanted to say them so very, very badly. Carly needed to hear them – from her – before someone else said them. Sam was terrified that someone else would say the words and never truly mean them. They couldn't. They could never mean them the way Sam could. The only way they would ever be true would be if Carly heard them from her.
"Sam? Have you heard one word I've just said?"
Sam had completely zoned out. She immediately diverted the question.
"Carls…"
"Sam… you've been so… I dunno… not you... What gives?"
"Just a lot on my mind, Cupcake. I'm okay, I promise."
Understatement of the Year.
Carly smiled.
Damn her. Even her teeth made Sam love her. Her teeth made her think about the dentist. The dentist made her think of wacky gas. Wacky gas made her think of what she almost told her then.
"Sam?"
"Look, I don't want to be a burden… Tonight's your big night, Cupcake. I've gotta run. Have to make sure Pam gets to the clinic on time…"
Carly thought it was so sad. Pam Puckett had hurt Sam and Melanie so deeply over the years, but Sam was still willing to give up her Friday night to take care of her mother, who certainly hadn't done anything to deserve it. Sam deserved everything in the world. She looked into those blue eyes and felt like she could melt into the floor. She pulled Sam into a tight hug.
"Sam, I …"
Sam cut her off.
"Gotta run, Cupcake… Be good!"
It took all the strength in the world, but Sam let herself fall out of her Cupcake's arms. She would stay here all night if she could, forcing Carls to miss her date. That would prove that she loved Carly more than anything. It would also make her a selfish bitch and prove she didn't deserve her Cupcake. She was damned no matter what she did. She shot Carly one final glance before leaving. It was the hardest thing she'd done all week. It was simple. It was clean. It was instantaneous. It completely broke her heart.
DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, EIGHT O'CLOCK THAT NIGHT…
The Palomino was a restaurant the likes of which Carly Shay had never seen. She was used to eating at places like this occasionally, but only when her father was home and wanted to throw money around to try to impress his children. Those experiences had become quite unpleasant, but Carly was always drawn to this place above all of Seattle's other swanky nightspots for two very simple, very selfish, very silly reasons. First off, she simply loved the name and the image it represented in her mind. She always associated the image of the horse with being wild and free. To her this was the pinnacle. This was the animal world's equivalent of everything that she wanted for herself.
Secondly, the restaurant was located in a well-to-do office building down on Fifth Avenue. She was just mere blocks from the waters of Puget Sound, where she had always come with her mother as a little girl. The air was always thick and rich. She always had loved it. Even now, years later, she could feel her mother's spirit close by. She knew it was silly, but this part of town was a part of her childhood – from way back when she was just a little girl, back when she was just Little Carly, when no one expected these awful things from her – when the weight of the world wasn't on her back.
She had done her hair and makeup 'just so' right after Sam had left. She needed to make the perfect impression, both on the restaurant's management and on her mystery woman. She knew the one she wanted, but she never responded to any of Carly's advances. It was discouraging. She checked her watch again. It was eight o'clock right on the head. She sat and stared out the window. Her city was beautiful. She loved it. She completely ignored all of her father's militaristic ramblings over the years about not exposing yourself to danger; never turn your back in a crowd. She wasn't a soldier. She wasn't fucking paranoid. She was a woman on a blind date. She was waiting on the one who would fill the void in her evening.
She didn't have to wait long.
The blonde arrived like clockwork. She explained to the hostess that she was meeting a friend and asked if there had been any single women who had recently checked in, saying they'd be waiting for someone. There had, only moments earlier. The hostess casually motioned to the table along the wall, overlooking the water.
Sam Puckett's pulse thundered in her ears with every step she took. She was both giddy and nauseated all at once. She had known for years that she loved women, but she went through the motions of trying to appear 'normal'. She dated boys not because she had any interest in them whatsoever, but simply because she was expected to. Tonight would change all that. Tonight was her Coming Out party. Tonight, she would embrace who and what she was for the very first time. She would do it over a plate of poached seafood ravioli with a woman she'd never met – whose name she still didn't know. Her palms were sweating. She reached the table. She was dressed, she now realized, as gender stereotypically as she could. Khakis and a black men's button-down shirt. She was a complete and total butch. The slight curl of her hair and the tang of her lip gloss were the only things that would denote 'female' tonight. The young woman in front of her was too busy watching the world go by to realize that she had even arrived. It was eerie. Sam was struck immediately by how beautiful and familiar she seemed, even with her back turned. She finally spoke up. Her date turned. Sam's heart stopped beating within her chest, the color draining from her face for a split second. She thought she might die.
Oh my God.
"Sam?"
"Carls? What are you…?"
Sam instantly knew, but it was Carly who verbalized it, her entire body overcome with emotion, shaking.
"Oh my fucking God… We're dating each other!"
Sam flushed and smiled as she slid into the chair opposite the beautiful brunette she had left only hours earlier. All the tumblers of the lock of her mind had begun to click into place. Things were now clear.
Carly was still on edge, shaking. Her hands were tremoring violently. She was overcome. She had professed her love for Sam anonymously over the internet, unknowingly. She had bared her soul and the intimacy it contained to an anonymous woman who turned out to be the one Carly knew and wanted all along. She had been so right and so very wrong all at the same time. She needed to say something.
"Oh my God… Sam… I…"
Those beautiful chocolate eyes – the ones that always melted Sam's heart – were now aching with equal parts love, longing, sorrow and shame. They were at their breaking point. The waterworks would come within minutes if Sam did nothing. She knew that was unacceptable.
Sam cooed at her from across the table, taking Carly's hand in hers, telling her to drink some water.
"Carls, I… I had no idea. What the fuck are the odds? I just… I should've told you… I just…"
"Sam, why? You could have at least told me you were gay…"
Sam was thunderstruck. She was, for once, absolutely speechless. She was without speech.
"Wait… you mean… you really didn't know?"
Carly's nose crinkled in that adorable way that Sam loved. It was the look that said Carly was confused, but that she would find the answer eventually.
"Sam… How could I know something that you wouldn't tell me?"
"Carls… I would have told you years ago if I thought I had to. I never said anything because I thought it was obvious to everybody. I thought you knew…"
Carly flushed and laughed. She knew that it was right. She knew instantly that Sam's explanation made sense.
"What about you, Cupcake? You kept the same secret from me…"
Carly's entire face radiated the heat of a thousand suns.
The truth was that she had only recently had admitted it to herself.
Carly was lost in Sam's eyes. Carly could see tears shimmering there too, below the surface. Her own had subsided now. She was ready and able to be a big girl. She was, however, completely lost in twin oceans of blue. She was completely oblivious to the waitress who had just arrived, ready to take their dinner order. What she heard next snapped Carly Shay from her reverie and back to the real world.
Sam Puckett had just ordered enough food to feed a small army. Three kinds of bruschetta, salads, and two perfect entrees – Seafood ravioli for Sam and Rigatoni Bolognese for the Cupcake – all in fluent, flawless Italian. Carly didn't know which of tonight's events excited her more. She didn't know if it was dating a woman for the first time in her life, the fact that her mystery woman had turned out to be the only woman she had ever wanted, or the fact that Sam had spoken Italian. The sum and total of all of these had left Carly with a very familiar warmth in a very, very specific place. She knew that tonight was the beginning of something wonderful.
LATER THAT EVENING…
They had stopped at the park on the way back to Bushwell Plaza. They sat on the swings like a couple of little girls on a play date. Carly was instantly a little girl again.
"Sam… tonight was…" she paused. "Will it change… Will it change us?"
The blonde looked to the brunette.
"Do you want it to, Carls?"
Carly knew what she was asking – and she knew the answer.
Carly Shay leaned over, craning her head around the chain of the swings, separating the girls from one another. Before Sam Puckett could process what was happening, Carly Shay was kissing her full on the mouth.
BUSHWELL PLAZA…
Carly lay in bed. She knew what was about to happen. She wanted it to. For the first time in her life, she was letting Sam Puckett see each and every inch of her body.
Sam reentered the room, wearing her typical t-shirt and boxer shorts. She slid into bed next to Carly, realizing only now that the brunette was completely in the buff.
"Whoa… are you sure about this, Cupcake?"
Carly Shay would never be surer of anything in her life. She had found the one she wanted, the one she needed, and the only one there would ever be. This was the truth of love. She realized that the old cliché was one hundred and fifty thousand percent true. You really did find it where you least expected it.
Carly reached behind her for Sam's hand, drawing it across her body and over her own naked torso. Now everything was perfect. Now the world could stop spinning. All was right in the world and it would be for as long as she lived.
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