Laguna paced back and forth in his office with his hands in his hair. As time passed by, he found he was less able to sit still and wait patiently for Squall to arrive. He bit his lip as he looked up at the clock for what felt like the thousandth time. There was still a couple of minutes before Squall was supposed to be at his door.
He had no idea what Squall wanted. The phone call had been completely unexpected and highly unusual. Squall never called Laguna unless it was for business reasons—and it seemed like it was always business reasons. Laguna had tried to act natural over the phone, but he recognized that Squall sounded unlike himself. If he wasn't imagining things, which he was sure he wasn't, Squall's voice had sounded hoarse. Almost as though he were either sick. Or even crying. Although Laguna highly doubted it was the latter. He couldn't even imagine Squall crying. It was like imagining a malboro crying.
A knocking sound resounded from the door, making Laguna flinch in surprise. His eyes darted quickly to the clock and he could have laughed at the fact that Squall was punctual, as always. So dependable, Laguna thought with some admiration.
Laguna practically leaped at the door, his heart swelling with gratitude now that the wait was finally over. Upon opening the door, he beamed at Squall, but his smile faltered quickly as he took in his son's appearance.
Squall's hair was unkempt and slightly dirty. His eyes were bloodshot and there was a hollowness beneath them that Laguna had never seen before. And the expression they held was even stonier than usual.
Squall looked sick.
"Squall, good to see you. Come in and have a seat," Laguna said as he tried to regain his composure. He didn't want to bring unwanted attention to the young man's appearance until he knew what was going on. He held the door open and motioned for Squall to enter his office. Squall wordlessly walked in and sat on the couch. Laguna was more than eager to sit beside him. As he did so, he noticed Squall shift slightly away from him, but he tried to ignore it.
"So, how's everything?" Laguna said, eager to get to the point. "Garden's okay, right? Did Cid need something?"
"Everything's fine, Laguna," Squall said. "I'm not here because of any of that. And I know it's really weird that I came here like this," he said stiffly.
Laguna chuckled a little as he scratched the back of his head. "Honestly, I don't blame you for not wanting to hang around me too much. I can be a bit of a headache."
Squall turned his head away slightly, pursing his lips. He looked back at Laguna who waited for him to say what was on his mind.
"Do you have anything to drink?"
Laguna blinked in surprise. "Uh, yeah, of course. What are you in the mood for?" He stood and walked over to his liquor cabinet, opening it. "You probably want the hard stuff, don't you?"
"Yeah, whatever. It doesn't really matter," Squall muttered.
Laguna grabbed a bottle of whiskey, along with two glasses. He figured he could use something to ease the tension he felt.
Laguna returned to the couch and placed the glasses on the table in front of it, then poured some whiskey. Squall eagerly grabbed his glass and took a swig. Laguna felt inclined to do the same, although he wasn't a big drinker. He mostly kept the alcohol for special occasions or an especially stressful night.
Laguna found that he was forcing a pleasant smile. As though nothing was out of the ordinary. Squall's face was lowered like it usually was. Laguna waited patiently for Squall to say what was on his mind, but all he did was take another sip of his drink and seem resolved to not look at Laguna.
Laguna wasn't one to take long silences too well. He couldn't take the suspense. And to top it off, Squall was behaving even odder than usual. Maybe he was being overworked after all.
"You know, you can take a break if work is killing you, Squall," Laguna said carefully. "I don't want to sound like...like I'm lecturing you or whatever, but you kinda look like hell."
Squall inhaled and exhaled deeply, his shoulders shuddering. His hands rested in his lap, anxiously grasping his glass. He nervously ran this thumbs around the rim. This was unlike the normally calm and composed SeeD commander.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he spoke.
"Laguna...are you my father?"
The air seemed to leave the room. Laguna's breath hitched as his eyes widened in shock. "H-how did you-how did you...?" he sputtered as he tried to find the words to say, but his mind had instantly gone blank. This was not at all what he was expecting.
Squall wouldn't look at him. His voice was soft and unsure. "Well?"
Laguna's mouth went dry and he contemplated bolting from the room. His response sort of tumbled from his lips before he could stop it. "Who told you?"
Squall raised his head slightly to look up at Laguna. "I just figured it out, I guess. It wasn't that hard, honestly," Squall said dryly.
Laguna would have laughed if he wasn't so in shock. He shook his head in disbelief as he absorbed the situation.
"It just came to me one night," Squall continued. "I was in bed and I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about you and those dreams. And what Kiros said on the Ragnarok."
"Kiros..."
What was it that he'd said? Something about Squall having his mother's eyes? Laguna frowned deeply. Of course, his most dependable friend had to be the one to give Squall such an obvious clue. He was going to have to punish him for this the next time he saw him. Maybe order him to do some of his paperwork for him.
"And I noticed the way that you've been acting around me. It weirded me out to the point that I felt like there had to be some reason behind it. I mean, you gave me a stuffed cactuar. If you weren't...you know...my father...that would just be plain weird." Squall paused a moment. "So, it's really true?"
"It's true. You are definitely my son." It felt so good to say those words. Laguna felt his face warm up as he beamed. "Well, definitely Raine's son anyway. 'Cause you're actually...you're a lot like her. I mean, I know you saw her in those dreams. I just wish you could have gotten to know her in real life. She was such a great person. You guys would have hit it off." Laguna felt his eyes soften as the image of a small Squall and Raine flitted across his mind.
"I honestly don't know what to think. I don't know if I can give you what you're expecting from me, Laguna," Squall said as he shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "I've been alone for so damn long that I just don't know how to take it. That you're...my father." Squall cringed the way that he often did when he was in Laguna's presence.
Man, he really does think I'm some kind of loser, Laguna thought with a mixture of wry amusement and disappointment. Then again, maybe I am.
"I know you're used to being alone, Squall. I get that you're kind of a lone wolf type of guy. At least that's the vibe I get from you. I'm not trying to force you into anything. Even though it probably seems like it because of you know...the things I've been doing," Laguna said sheepishly.
Laguna felt an urge to pull Squall into his arms and hug him simply because it felt like the right thing, or maybe the fatherly thing to do, but he suppressed it. He had a feeling Squall would not respond well to that. There was an uneasiness in the air, and it felt like there was an elephant in the room. Or maybe a ton of elephants. A lot needed to be said and Laguna felt his stomach drop at the thought of discussing it all.
"So," Squall began, clearing his throat. "Did you know she was pregnant?"
And here comes the first elephant...
Laguna inhaled deeply as his hands trembled in his lap.
"Squall, I swear on my life I had no idea Raine was pregnant. If I had known I would never have left her side. I'd never abandon someone like that. If I'd known I would have stayed, and you never would have ended up at that orphanage. I promise you that." Laguna tried smiling at Squall, but his son's face remained cold and devoid of emotion. Instead it seemed like he was studying Laguna, as though he was trying to see if he should believe him.
Laguna couldn't blame the guy for having trust issues. It seemed completely understandable given the upbringing he had. Growing up at Garden must have truly taken its toll on him, and Laguna had thought over this ever since he'd found out that Squall was his son. Squall's gruff exterior was a product of being groomed as a soldier and killing anything and anyone in his way.
Squall seemed to process Laguna's words for a little while before he nodded, lowering his head yet again. Laguna had to suppress a smile at how Squall avoided eye contact with him. It seemed to be shyness that kept him from looking him in the eye. He felt his eyes water a little as he wondered what Raine would think of Squall and his personality. Would she see a little of herself in him like Laguna did?
"How did she die?"
The question hung in the air, shattering Laguna's moment of heartfelt reflection. Almost instinctively, he took hold of his glass of whiskey with a shaky hand and took a big sip, relishing the bitter taste as he swallowed. Feeling a bit better, he spoke grimly.
"It was blood loss, Ellone told me. Postpartum hemorrhage. She died soon after you were born."
Laguna could still remember the moment when he'd found out she was dead. He'd returned to Winhill expecting to see Raine at her house when he'd instead been confronted by a resident. The man had looked at him as though he couldn't believe he had the balls to show his face there. And he'd broken the news to Laguna so bluntly that he'd felt winded, as though he'd been punched in the gut.
Laguna couldn't even bring himself to visit her grave for many years. Just the thought of seeing her gray tombstone gutted him inside. Gray was the last color he'd use to represent her as a person.
And ever since he'd found out about Raine's cause of death, he found that he couldn't so much as look at babies or even small children without his stomach churning painfully.
What Squall said next was so quiet that Laguna almost missed it.
"Do you have any idea how it felt, Laguna?"
"How what felt?"
Squall made eye contact with Laguna, and it seemed as though he could see right through him. His tired eyes held a pained expression and Laguna realized what it was that Squall was talking about.
"The...the orphanage. Right?" Laguna fought to keep his voice steady as a lump formed in his throat.
"Every day I kept hoping someone would come and tell me they were my mother or father. Every day I saw others being adopted while I stood aside and watched. Every day I would stand at that damn balcony hoping and praying that at least Elle would come back for me."
Laguna simply sat and waited for Squall to continue. He felt as though he'd been waiting for this moment all his life, even though he'd only recently discovered Squall's relationship to him. A part of him almost felt grateful for the guilt trip. It was as though his feelings of inadequacy were finally being confirmed.
"But she didn't," Squall spat out bitterly. "I felt completely alone in the world. Alone and unloved. Like no one could ever want me. For so many years I wondered who my parents were. Why they didn't love me enough to take care of me. Why they abandoned me. I grew up feeling like...like a loser." Squall hung his head, something Laguna hated to see him do at that moment.
"Squall, you are not a loser," Laguna said, breaking his silence. He spoke earnestly, eyes softening with sympathy as he leaned down and tried to get Squall to look him in the eye. "I completely understand how you felt. I mean, I know I can't relate to you because I didn't grow up like you did, but I get why you feel resentment towards me. It's completely understandable."
Because I'm to blame, Laguna thought to himself. For the thousandth time.
"But that's the thing, Laguna," Squall said, shaking and raising his head, eyes glistening with tears. "You don't understand. How could you? You were raised by your parents and had a happy childhood, I'm sure. You don't know what it's like at all. You had Kiros and Ward. I never even had any friends until recently."
"I'm sorry. I really am. If I could I'd...I'd do anything it took to go back and change things. To make things okay."
Laguna smiled hopefully at Squall. But the young man's eyes suddenly hardened. There was something about the way he looked at him that made Laguna want to shrink inside himself. Had he said something wrong? He already knew he was mentally inferior to Squall, so it was possible he'd said something stupid without realizing it.
"Were you planning on telling me any of this anytime soon?" Squall's hoarse voice interrupted Laguna's thoughts. "You said something about having a talk on the Ragnarok. Is this what you meant?"
Laguna nodded his head excitedly. "Yes, Squall, yes. I was planning on talking to you as soon as I got my head together. I just-I guess I got sidetracked or something. I was totally wanting to tell you myself. I really didn't want you to find out on your own like this. Seriously, I hate that I couldn't be the one to tell you." Laguna risked leaning forward to place his hand on Squall's knee. To his surprise, Squall didn't shift away, although he did seem to tense up slightly.
There was a brief silence as the two sat opposite each other processing the situation.
Then without thinking, Laguna spoke. "I hope you didn't cry because of me. I mean, you look like you've been crying. It makes me feel bad."
Squall turned away from him and placed a hand over his face. "I didn't cry," he said, although Laguna caught his voice wavering. "I'm just sick. Too much work I guess."
"Right," Laguna said, not wanting to embarrass him any further. He really had to work on not prying into things, especially since Squall was on the shy side and clearly didn't like expressing too much emotion around others. "Well, just try and take it easy then, okay? It's not healthy to overwork yourself."
"You're seriously gonna give me advice right now?" Squall chuckled a little as he lowered his hand from his face.
Laguna blinked, at this uncomprehending. Then realizing what Squall meant, he laughed a little himself. "Yeah, I guess I'm not exactly the go-to guy when it comes to life advice. I'm better at screwing things up. You can ask Kiros, and I'm sure he'll have tons of stories to tell."
For a second, the two of them looked at each other in amusement. It almost felt like they'd connected a little, Laguna thought. It felt kind of nice, he had to admit. To sit with his son and laugh a little, even if it was him they were laughing at. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to have a son to spend time with and to get to know. Maybe it was possible to build a relationship with someone as stoic as Squall after all. But then again, it seemed like maybe Squall wasn't as stoic as he portrayed himself. There seemed to be hidden layers unveiling who he truly was inside. Maybe Laguna could help at speeding up the process.
"But there's still something I don't understand..." Squall said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Laguna waited patiently for Squall to continue.
"I...I guess I don't understand why you couldn't stay with her. With Raine." Squall's face tensed up as he began rubbing his hands together anxiously.
Laguna swallowed hard as he fought to find out how to respond. Whenever he so much as thought of Raine, he was struck by pangs of guilt. Now was no exception. He suddenly wondered what made him think he even had the right to play father with Squall when he was clearly some sort of bad luck charm for every person he encountered. Why did his desire to be a father overpower his knowledge of what he'd done? It had been so many years and yet he still couldn't get over how stupid he had been to leave her on that fateful day.
Laguna chose his words carefully, feeling as though he was in a courtroom instead of his office.
"Squall, you have no idea how much I loved her. I wanted to be with her, I really did. I still think about her all the time. And I cry whenever I do." He felt as though there were no words that could express how deeply guilty he felt. "I was young and stupid. Even more stupid than I am now, believe it or not. I made the worst decision of my life that day when I chose my passion over her. I'll never get over it. I'll never...I'll never forget how it felt when I turned my back on her."
And Laguna felt that familiar twinge in his chest as he thought back to the day that he'd made that decision. That soul-crushing, life-altering decision that led to this very moment. And the look on Raine's face as she waved goodbye to him. The hope in her eyes that he'd tried not to think about as he drove out of Winhill.
The hope that still haunted him so many years later.
"It was beyond stupid of me. I know I should have stayed with her. I could have at least waited long enough to find out she was pregnant for Hyne's sake. Even after all these years I still don't know what was wrong with me for leaving her like that. I know...I know I'm a selfish person." Laguna hung his head, knowing fully well he believed every word he'd said. For so many years, Kiros had tried so hard to convince him otherwise, but it seemed all the convincing in the world couldn't change the cold, hard facts. That was what Laguna viewed them as, anyway.
"It wasn't just her that died, either," Laguna continued, overwhelmed by emotion. "It was Julia too. And I know you saw her in those dreams because Elle told me. And Elle was taken away and almost locked away by Odine. Then you had to grow up feeling alone and unloved. I'd give anything to take it all back. You have no idea. I wish so bad that Raine and I got to raise you and see you grow up, Squall. We could have...we could have had something, you know? Maybe we could have all been a happy family living in Winhill. Maybe-"
"Laguna," Squall hissed, making Laguna look up in surprise. "You're being ridiculous. Raine would have still died even if you'd stayed. You know that. There's no point in wishing you can change the past. It simply wasn't meant to be."
Laguna frowned as he took in Squall's words. "It wasn't meant to be..." he murmured, words that he was normally the type to say...except in this particular circumstance. He was so used to clinging to his past with Raine, so used to holding onto memories that faded more and more with each passing day. He was frightened of the idea of moving on. And to be honest, he still wasn't sure he was ready to do so anytime soon. Not truly, anyway. For now, he'd brush the thought aside. Maybe for another day. And Laguna was fully aware that he was being a coward, but for now he decided to just focus on Squall. Although he had to admit that hearing those words from Squall's mouth had almost triggered something in him.
Almost.
Forcing a shaky smile, Laguna patted Squall's knee. "I'm just glad you're taking this a lot better than I thought you would. I'm happy you came to see me, Squall. To be honest, I...I thought you hated my guts. I mean, I see the way you look at me.
"It's just…you're unique. It's not bad or anything. Just…how do I explain it?" Squall's tone was uncharacteristically unsure.
Laguna laughed. "You don't have to. I get it. I'm kind of a weirdo sometimes."
"Exactly. And let's face it, you're not exactly the best role model. Based on what I saw in those dreams, you tend to be impulsive."
"That's me, alright." It felt good to see Squall open up to him, even if it was just to laugh at his silly nature. "Don't sweat it. I'd probably laugh at myself too if I were you. I still really wish you didn't see me cramp up with Julia. Hyne, that's embarrassing," Laguna said, cringing.
"It could have been worse," Squall said. "You could have...I don't know...barfed on her or something."
Laguna shuddered at the thought. "Don't give me ideas. I'm not sure I trust myself not to do that. One day, anyway."
They laughed together, before Laguna saw Squall's eyes widen. He then looked down at his watch. Laguna's heart fell as he realized that Squall probably had something to do at the Garden. Right when they were really starting to connect.
"You gotta go, don't you?" Laguna said, trying to hide the disappointment from his voice. He sat up, trying to act like he didn't want Squall to stay longer.
"Yeah, I...I think I need some alone time anyway," Squall said. To Laguna's disappointment, it looked like his guard was coming back up again. "And it's getting late. I should go." He then stood up quickly, as though to prevent Laguna from changing his mind.
Laguna stood up as well, grateful that his leg hadn't cramped up at all during their conversation. He smiled brightly at Squall as he again patted him on the shoulder. Squall looked slightly uncomfortable with being touched, but didn't say anything. It was just hard not to want to make it clear to Squall that he cared about him. Even if they'd just met only recently, Laguna did like Squall, and he was growing to care about him as he got to know him more and more.
"Thanks again for coming. And seriously, don't cry so much. It's not good for you." Laguna wished he could take the words back as soon as he saw the look on Squall's face. Hyne, he just had to embarrass him again. He cursed at himself inwardly for being stupid.
But thankfully, Squall didn't get angry and just said, "I'll try," albeit in a slightly annoyed way.
Finally, Squall took his leave and the door shut behind him, causing Laguna to lean against it, heaving a sigh of relief. He couldn't believe he had just forged a relationship with his son. He couldn't believe that Squall didn't stab him to death with his gunblade for having to live with knowing that he was his father. Squall took it all so well that it almost made Laguna wonder if the guy had been drugged before coming to his office.
In any case, it was all over, and Laguna needed to rest. And maybe to talk to Elle and tell her the good news. He was now officially a father.
A father…
The word kept repeating in Laguna's head until it practically lost its meaning. He was now a father. Something he'd wanted to be ever since he was young. But he had wanted to raise a son from infancy, not instantly have a grown teenager in his hands.
Laguna walked back to his couch and sat down as he thought this over. He was going to have a son who he'd try to build a relationship with. A son who he could share memories of Raine and Ellone with. They could do things together like going to the park, or simply walking around Esthar and talking.
At least he hoped Squall would be up to spending time with him. It was a little hard to tell, despite how well their talk had gone. Squall had said himself he had only developed friendships recently. And he still couldn't forget the way Squall had been treating him ever since they'd first met. Maybe he was only so even-tempered because he'd been crying.
Speaking of which...did that really mean Squall had been crying because of him? Since he'd found out about them being father and son? Laguna felt his heart twinge painfully. To know that Squall cried because of him just made him feel like crap.
Laguna laid on the couch, staring at the ceiling. He pictured Squall's serious eyes in his head, feeling his heart flutter at how much they reminded him of Raine. He then spoke to his dead wife, something he sometimes did when he was by himself and thinking about the past.
"You'd be proud of him, Raine. You'd be really proud." Laguna smiled wistfully. "And I'm proud, too."