Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi belongs to the goddess that is Yuu Watase. I own NOTHING, you hear me? Honestly wish I did, but I don't. "Little Miss" is by the British band Boa
Warnings: spoilers for second half of the series on and the Fushigi Yuugi novel Seiran Den
Notes: After experiencing a severe case of writer's block with Reversal, I began to write this. A Nakago/Soi fic. Now this is something that I didn't think I'd be writing ever. @_@ It's a canon pairing…sort of. We all know what Nakago uses Soi for. He just uses her for her ability to boost his powers. After all, that's all he would ever want to use her for, right? From someone else's point of view. Who is it? I don't know. I honestly don't know.
Little miss miss she's had some troubles but
She's gonna sort it out early in the morning
And when you come home
You're gonna watch her sleep and hold her close
And stroke her face
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You stare at her face, eyes closed next to you. Eyes eternally closed forever. Did she ever mean anything to you? She might have once upon a time. She sacrificed herself for you and you can't seem to get over it. She cared about you. She cared. The only person you ever knew that really cared about you.
And she's gone.
You reach out and touch her cold cheek. The skin is still soft, but the life has gone from that face. She would do anything for you. When you realized that, did you ever think that she would die for you? Did you? No? This doesn't surprise you at all.
You remember how you first met her. You aren't sure why, but you remember. That man was harassing her and you stepped in to stop it. You don't like seeing people being harassed as such. You never did. Not after what happened to you at the hands of the emperor of Kutou.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In the morning
You're gonna stare at her
And wonder why you feel the way you do now
But she will hold you and reach out to touch you
And never never never hurt your heart
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Thanking me was enough," you had said when she first confronted you in the palace. She had come after you to thank you for saving her a few weeks before. You don't remember why you had stepped in then. Not that it much matters now, does it?
She had been so confused. She loved you. Truly. But perhaps she had loved you for all the wrong reasons. You didn't think anyone could love you, did you? You didn't want anyone to love you. It wasn't worth the risk of keeping people close to you. Everyone you loved always dies, don't they? All of them.
They all died. Your mother…your childhood friend…your lover…
They all die. They'll all leave you in the end. They always do.
She never meant to hurt you, though. You just realized it too late.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh it's easy but it's just too easy for you now
She gives you everything but
That's not what you wanna do
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She had expected too much from you. Her eyes had asked for too much. You had shoved her away on those principles, hadn't you? You stare at her, blue eyes sad for once. You take her lifeless hand in yours and stare at her. She deserves a proper burial and yet…you do nothing. Why is that? You don't know, do you. Not that it matters. Not that you care.
Or do you care and are just unwilling to admit it?
You loved her once, didn't you? You have emotions, don't you. You're just too scared to show them. Too scared to act upon how you feel. So you hide behind your mask. You have nothing better to do.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And in the morning, when she wakes up
You walk away, you don't turn around
But she holds you
She holds you in her heart
She'll never let you go
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You remember the night before she lost her life. She came into your tent and saw you with Tomo's clamshell. Shin, wasn't it? Yes, that's right. She wanted to know why you had it. So you told her the truth. It had shown you Yui's world. A world that you could conquer if Yui made her wish and turned you into a god as you wanted her to. But Soi knew nothing of this. Not a thing.
"Why won't you remove your armor for me?" she had asked.
Your eyes had been indifferent when you glanced up from the open clamshell. What was she playing at? "What's this, all of a sudden? I've removed my armor for you many times." You didn't understand. You didn't want to understand.
"Yes, we've made love many times, but only to heighten your powers. But to reach your heart… your feelings…" So that was it, then. Soi loved you. You knew then, didn't you? You knew she loved you and you were scared of it, weren't you? "Do you remember?"
You didn't answer then. Just stared at her with cold eyes. Why did she care?
"When we first met seven years ago?"
She was still trying. Why was she bothering? Why? There was nothing there. Didn't she understand that? Or did she know that you cared for her and were too scared to admit it?
"Ever since that time, you were the only one for me!"
You fixed her with a cold stare. Indifferent. Uncaring.
"There is only one person who can satisfy me," you said. "You're not her."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In the evening, when you come home
You save the whisky and you talk about your dreams
And you hold her when she cries 'cause
She's feeling lonely – the same way that you do
When you're feeling the way you're feeling now
You hold the pillow and you think about her
And when she holds you, you're cold stare melts
And your heart warms to her
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There is no time to give her a decent burial. Not in the midst of a war. There will be time once your plan is carried out. Once you're able to kill the emperor of Kutou, you will take your revenge for both of you. She lost her life for you and you will take a life in her defense. Take out the emperor of Konan first. The Suzaku no shichiseishi Hotohori. You see him? See him sitting on top of his white horse. Challenging you.
You tell him your plan. Let him realize the hopelessness of the situation. Let him throw his life away when he doesn't have to. Oh look…he's charging you. He's a fool, isn't he? Yes? Tell him so, then. Let him see that you do this for her.
You wonder if she's listening. If she's watching you take revenge on Konan and the men who killed her. You wish you could have told her these things you told the emperor, don't you? You wish you had more time, don't you?
Oh well. Too late now, isn't it?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh this girl – she's got to you and you're afraid of it
She gives you everything but that's not what you wanna do
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How long have you been staring at her dead body for now? Hours? Days?
Not that it matters to you, does it?
You hold her lifeless, cold hand in yours, lips moving in a silent prayer. But who will hear you? Seiryuu? Who shall hear your useless prayers? Who helped you in the past?
You stupid, foolish man. You really loved her, didn't you? Didn't you? So why did you never say anything to her?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And in the morning, you're just gonna turn around
You break it – you're gonna break the bond
You're gonna smash the bottle of whiskey
And after all the things that she told you
You're gonna make love like you never have
You're gonna make it seem like she meant nothing to you
She's gonna cry now and wonder why now
The way you make her feel
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"What are you doing here?" you had asked when she walked into your rooms the night she had first awoken as a Seiryuu seishi. "Strange. I didn't think that the palace ladies had taken to requesting to join the military."
She blushed and looked down at her attire. She hadn't changed the style until the day she died. "I…thought this would be proper…so I made it. To call on Seiryuu…" She was hinting at something, wasn't she? "As a proud Seiryuu seishi."
"Seiryuu seishi?" you had asked, eyes narrowing.
"I am Soi," she said. "I awoke seven days ago."
You had been pleased that she was there. After all, the miko hadn't arrived and you had all ready come across two of the six other seishi. Six besides yourself, that is. "Until the miko arrives, we have no need to see each other."
She had tried to prove you wrong. Tried to tell you that the general of Kutou and one of the other men vying for the position of general had joined forces against you. You told her that it didn't matter. It didn't as far as you were concerned. She had seen you were injured. She had removed her armor and stood naked before you. Offering herself to you.
Wanting you.
"Please…make love to me," she had said.
"What?" you asked, trying not to show your confusion.
"I can use it to increase your powers," she replied, looking completely serious. "It is my power as a seishi of Seiryuu."
And you took her at her word. You let her make love to you that night because you wanted her, didn't you? No? Then why did you do it?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
But little miss miss she's having problems
But she's gonna make it – she's a strong one
And your heart – well – it's all ready melted
But she will never dissolve
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You can hear her voice cycling over and over in your head. "Ever since that day, I wanted to be with you." That's what she said, wasn't it? You had wanted her since the first day you saw her and yet you found you could not act upon it. Poor, poor man of the dead Hin race. Poor, foolish Nakago. This is why you've closed off your heart. This is why you must never let anyone get close to you.
They will all leave you. You know that. You have been the one who caused the deaths of everyone that you ever cared about. You killed her, too. You may have loved her, but her infatuation with you is what got her killed.
"Soi…" you whisper.
It's too late to bring her back. It scares you, doesn't it? You cannot bring her back. You cannot save her. You can do nothing for her. She has given up her life for the one she loves.
Does it scare you? Yes?
Good.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In the morning – she's gonna make love
She's gonna make it like she's never done before
She's gonna scare you with her passion
She's gonna make it seem like she don't care
She's gonna hold you close
She's gonna make you cry
She's gonna make it feel like you don't care
You're gonna need her
She's gonna love you
And melt your cold stare
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Strange, but…in the end…she did love you. You can't figure out why, however. Part of you doesn't want to know why, really. But there is another part of you…the curious part of yourself…that wants to her to sit up, open her eyes, and implore you to remove your armor for her. Did you love her?
Did you?
Silently, you kneel by her body and kiss her cold, painted lips lightly. "I shall win this for you."
Saying nothing else, you stand and head for the entrance to your tent, sending a solider to arrange for a proper burial for the woman you could never admit your feelings for. Did you love her?
You might have once. Now? You love her loyalty with all your heart. But that doesn't mean you loved her, does it? And even if you did, you have no way of telling her now.
Too late now, isn't it…
…END…