A/N: Okay, this is the weirdest fic I think I've ever written. I swear on all things Rumbelle, I thought this would be under-500-words fluff. And then I got going and it went a little smutty. And then later it just about became a crack!fic. And I most definitely had some angst ideas for other places I could take this. What is this? Anyway, hope you like it.
Ruby growled as she stomped down the street. Drive this out to the dump, Granny had said. It needs doing, she had said. Of course, the one day Ruby decided she could make it without putting gas in her car was also the day it ran out of gas just outside the town. And of course, on top of it all, the rain was pouring down in sheets. It was perfect. Absolutely fucking perfect. As Ruby stomped down the street, she failed to notice someone fall into step with her until the rain hitting her stopped. She looked up to find a tentatively smiling Archie beside her, the umbrella held over both their heads.
"Thanks." she muttered, trying to not stomp her feet so loudly. Archie inclined his head,
"Any time." They walked on in silence. Maybe it was the rain, or possibly just Archie's calming presence, but Ruby slowly started to reach an emotional equilibrium. By the time they reached the diner, Ruby was standing significantly closer to him, completely ignoring her extra space beneath the umbrella. Thinking back, Archie had always calmed her, somehow. There was something strange about him that he never exacerbated her anger in any way. He just showed up, being his nice self, and made everything better without lifting a finger.
"We're here." He said quietly as they stood beside the diner. The alley to her right sparked an idea for Ruby and suddenly she knew exactly how to thank Archie. She grabbed him by the lapels and pulled him into the alley.
"Thank you. For the shelter and being here and everything. What can I ever do to properly show my gratitude?" She looked up at him from beneath her lashes. Archie stuttered,
"Oh that's really not necessary, I—"
"Please. I want to thank you." whispered Ruby. Archie couldn't meet her eyes,
"Fine. Just a, a kiss." He said. Ruby grinned. She stood on her tiptoes beneath the umbrella and pressed her lips to Archie's.
The kiss was soft, so much more tender than anything Ruby had ever tasted. Archie was unassuming, taking only what was given. Whatever Ruby wanted she started and he followed her lead. Of course, Archie's sweetness only made Ruby want to give him more. Soon the tentative kiss involved hands, though Archie's held the umbrella and her waist and did not wander. Ruby was much more explorative.
Her hands roamed his tweed-covered back, applying pressure in the areas that made Archie sigh and lean into her body. Ruby couldn't stop her grin as the hand at her waist pulled her closer and she nibbled Archie's lower lip in encouragement. He dropped the umbrella. His now-free hand joined the other at her waist and something in him seemed to take over as he pulled her closer, almost flush to his body. Ruby could feel the effect she had on him, could feel it pressing hard against her lower body. She rubbed against it without thinking and Archie shouted. Ruby stood on her tiptoes as she whispered a little breathlessly in his ear,
"Doctor Hopper, I believe you have a problem here." she reached down and cupped him through the straining cloth of his pants, "Perhaps I could see to your problem somewhere more...private?" Her tongue lightly traced the shell of his ear. Archie shuddered in anticipation and-
"I don't think you'll be seeing to any of his problems, girl." said a new voice. Ruby gasped and jumped back. Granny stood at the end of the alley, a shotgun in hand.
"Granny! What you doing?" said Ruby. Archie seemed to be shaking himself from a stupor as he scrambled to pick up his umbrella and hide his not-so-hideable erection. Granny glared at both of them,
"I heard a shout from the alley and thought someone was being murdered." she said. Archie blushed a red to match his hair and Ruby rolled her eyes,
"Well, since we're both still alive, will you leave now?"
"If you two keep at what you were doing, I doubt I'll be the only one armed. Age difference is important in this town, Ruby. You might as well go canoodle with Mr. Gold." Archie blanched and Ruby laughed,
"Granny, I sincerely doubt Archie is that old. How old are you, Archie?" said Ruby, whirling to look at Archie.
"Forty-eight." He mumbled. Ruby stepped back, eyebrows shooting to her hairline.
"Forty-eight? God, you age well." She muttered to herself, looking him up and down. Archie turned red and looked away. Granny rolled her eyes,
"You see? Mr. Gold could only be two, three years older. Maybe." She said. Archie couldn't meet the old woman's eyes. Ruby rolled her eyes,
"Granny, I was thanking him for walking me home."
"If that's how you thank everyone, I'm surprised you ever have to do something yourself."
"Don't be stupid. Of course I don't thank everyone like that."
"Oh? And why this exception?" asked Granny, a new look in her eye. The anger had turned into some a little more mischievous.
"Because he's nice! He's a lot nicer than a lot of the other assholes in town, and he's kind and…" Ruby had stop herself before she launched on a list of Archie's other virtues. Granny hung her head and shook it,
"Girl, you're a fool." Granny lowered the shotgun to her side and walked off alone in the rain. Ruby watched her leave, not entirely sure how to react. Granny had just…not fought back. At all. It was possibly the first time it had happened. Ruby stood motionless as everything ran through her mind, mindless of the light drizzle the rain had become. She only noticed it when it wasn't there anymore. She looked over to again find Archie at her side. He held the umbrella over their heads and slowly extended his free hand out to her. Ruby looked at it for a moment, dumbfounded. Slowly, she took it in hers, the warmth spreading through her whole body. She looked up at Archie, smiling. He smiled back at her and they walked out of the alley, ready to face the world.