A/N: Fair warning, this is sort of connected to my stories Lovely and For the Nights, so it may be a bit confusing if you haven't read those. It isn't required, all you really need to know is that both Sebastian and Jeff have a history of self-harm that the other knows about. This is meant as Jeffbastian friendship with Niff undertones, so if you came looking for Jeffbastian romance, than I'm sorry to disappoint.
Also, this story alludes to self harm and suicidal ideation/attempts, so if you are easily triggered by any of those, please don't read.
If there was one thing that frustrated Sebastian beyond all measure, it was chemistry. He wasn't ever going to need to know the atomic weight of Boron, so why should he be forced to memorize this shit? All it did was cut into his sleep schedule and give him a headache. With a sigh, he rubbed his eyes. God, he would be so grateful once mid-terms were over.
Celeste mewed at him from her spot on his lap and tilted her head. Great, now the cat was scolding him. "Yeah, yeah, it'll get done. I think I've earned a bit of a break, don't you?" He was a bit offended when she simply laid back down and closed her eyes. "I am trying to have a conversation with a cat. Yeah, I think I've officially cracked." he closed the chemistry book and pushed it towards the edge of the bed, making a move to grab the copy of Silas Marner he was meant to have read. He would finish the chemistry after that. Followed by his Calculus and AP French homework. And review the notes he'd taken during Warblers practice. And then sleep. "Damn it."
He was a total of three lines in when the phone on his nightstand began ringing. "Oh, thank God." He praised the interruption. Pushing the cat off of his lap, Sebastian grabbed his phone to check the ID and put it to his ear. "What is it, Blondie?"
There was unexpected silence on the line, and Sebastian had to check to make sure it hadn't disconnected. Damn it, if this was a drunk-or mis-dial, he was going to be so pissed. "Jeff? You there?"
"…yeah…yeah, I'm here. Hey, Sebastian."
The voice on the other line was far too shaky for Sebastian's liking, and he felt himself tense up immediately. That was what he had been expecting. "Everything okay, Jeff?"
There was another pause, which did nothing to cool his anxiety. "Yeah, I'm fine, it's just… what did I do wrong, Sebastian?"
"No idea what you're talking about here, what's wrong?" He may not have been able to see Jeff, but there was no way in hell that he was going to leave him like this. Sorry, Jeff, but I don't trust you that much. He opened a new tab on his laptop to check if Nick was online. He would probably be a better shot at getting a straight answer. "Talk to me, Blondie."
Normally, he would have grown irritated with the pauses between the replies. But this was clearly not the best time to be agitated with Jeff, and there wasn't much he could do if Jeff hung up because Sebastian verbally attacked him. Just try and keep him calm, Smythe. After a good twenty seconds without an answer, Sebastian decided to press. "Jeff, where's Nick?"
"I screwed up and he left… Got mad and just stormed out…"
"O...kay. He probably just went to cool down. Why don't you try calling him? Or go to someone else's dorm, wait for him there? Not that I'm trying to get rid of you." He quickly added. "Just not sure how much help I can be from over here. And, y'know, I'm not exactly the best relationship counselor out there. But I don't think you should be alone now, Jeff."
"Y'said to call you if I got low, and did something like this..." Shit, shit, shit. If warning bells hadn't been going off before, they sure had started to.
By now, Sebastian had gotten out of bed and had begun a search for the nearest pair of pants. His phone was on speaker, and the sound of Jeff's raspy breathing filled his bedroom. "Okay, just… Fuck, did you hurt yourself?" He was not an expert at calming people down, so looks like he was just diving right in. That had been his main fear when Jeff started talking, but he hadn't wanted to jump to any conclusions. Now they had just been confirmed. Answers first, and they could figure things out from there.
Jeff made a noise Sebastian took to mean 'no.' He let out a sigh of relief. "Alright, good. Don't do anything stupid, Blondie, just keep talking to me. Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"… He didn't want me going home for break. Said it was a bad idea, and I said…mmmm… Said i' was my choice."
"Well, from what I've heard, it doesn't sound like your family is very conducive to you being okay. But yeah, you're right, he should have let you decide." The last thing he needed was to piss Jeff off and make things worse. Ambiguous statements and unbiased words were the best he could offer from miles apart. "He was just looking out for you, you know that."
"I know… just should'a asked 'stead of yellin'" Now that he had managed to pull actual clothes on, Sebastian could focus fully on the voice on the other line. Jeff sounded like he'd been drinking. Or…
Shit. "Jeff, did you take anything?"
"My head hurt... Nicky left his bag here, his pills were in it, too. I wanted to make my head stop hurting." Sebastian knew that Nick had sleeping pills for his insomnia, specifically prescribed at a heavy dose. If Jeff took them…
"How many did you take, Jeff?" Before Sebastian was finished with his sentence, he was already slipping shoes on and grabbing his car keys. Nick wasn't online, and he was not about to hang up on Jeff to try and track him down. Homework be damned, this was a million times more pressing than reading Eliot.
"I don't know. My head still hurts but there aren't any more."
Shit, shit, shit. Starting the car was trickier than it should have to do Sebastian's shaking. "Jeff, did you finish the bottle? Are you in your dorm room right now?" The bottle may have been near empty already, as far as Sebastian knew. Not that that would be much of a consolation, those things would fuck anyone up.
"Yeah. And yeah. Nicky…" Sebastian could have sworn he heard crying on the other line. "Nicky left so I was by myself. I'm okay now, think I just need to rest."
"No you don't, Blondie. Stay with me, stay awake, okay?" There wasn't an answer, but he still heard Jeff's ragged breathing. "Alright, do me a favor and go throw up whatever you just took."
"No."
If he hadn't been in such a frenzied state, Sebastian would have been surprised by the outright defiance. "Jeff, I'm not fucking around. Go stick your fingers down your throat and get that stuff out of you."
"…s'fine, S'bestian… 'm just gonna lie down for m' headache." He was barely comprehensible, and his voice was softer than Sebastian had ever heard.
He was pretty sure he was violating dozens of traffic laws, but he could not bring himself to care. "Jeff, if you fall asleep on me, I swear I'll kill you myself."
"s'okay, m' sorry… I'm gonna sleep now…"
"No, Jeff. Jeff!" he heard the other line disconnect. "Damn it." He had to physically restrain himself from throwing the phone out the window. He quickly found Nick's contact information, and hit 'call.'
"Hello?" There was a rather loud conversation in the background, and Nick was practically shouting to make sure he could be heard. Alright, that was doing nothing for the headache he was gaining."Sebastian?"
"Duval, what the hell did you do to your boyfriend?"
"What, did he call you to complain? I didn't do a damn thing except try to help him."
"Yeah? Well, whatever you did backfired, because he just helped himself to your knockout drugs, dumbass." Sebastian would fully acknowledge that he had no right to yell at Nick later. But now was not the time for niceties. There was a crash, and Sebastian could only assumed the phone had been dropped, before Nick's voice came back on the line.
"He…what?" Ahh, there was that concern Sebastian had been looking for.
"Yeah. He just called me upset and said you'd left. He said he didn't cut himself , but he found your sleeping pills and decided to take them. Why the hell would you leave those near him, anyway?" Anger was not the best route to be taking at this point in time. But Sebastian was tired, and hungry, and had just been hung up on by his obviously-suicidal friend, so Nick would have to deal with being his verbal punching bag.
There were the sounds of a whispered conversation on the other line and then a door being shut. It sounded like Nick had gone off for some privacy. "I didn't… I forgot my bag, I needed to clear my head, so I went to meet up with friends in Columbus. What… is he okay? God, Sebastian, please tell me he's okay. You're with him, right?"
"I'm driving out there to check on him and beat his ass if necessary. He hung up on me. What did you two get into a bitch-fit about? Better yet, why did you leave him alone like that? To go to fucking Columbus?
"I couldn't. . . God, I was just so mad, and he wouldn't listen to reason, and he shouldn't have to go back to them and. . . " Great, now if sounded like Nick was crying. With a sigh, Sebastian decided he was definitely getting a drink after this. As long as he didn't need to pay a visit to the morgue. . .
He pushed that thought from his mind and swallowed hard. "Okay, Duval, just. . . stop crying. You two can talk this out like adults when we know Jeff is safe and sound." If he was safe and sound. "How fast can you drive back here? There's only so much I can do to help him without making it an awkward mess."
"I… It'll take me some time to get back to Dalton, are you…?"
"I'm almost there now. I'm going to make sure he's okay, and if we need to. . . I'm going to make sure he's okay."
"Okay, thank you. Sebastian?"
"What?" In the background, he heard the sound of a car being started and Nick's uneven breathing.
"When you find him, if he's. . . please tell him I am so sorry, okay? I didn't. . . " Yeah, Duval was definitely crying.
Sebastian let out an exasperated breath before catching sight of Dalton Academy. "Look, Nick, I'm at the school, now. Just get here as soon as you can and you two can figure out your little fight later." After I smack both of you for being bigger morons than normal, that is. He left Nick to his driving before half-running in the direction of the dorms. His adrenaline had gone into overdrive at this point, and he found himself praying he didn't get caught in here afterhours.
It took a few annoying seconds for Sebastian to remember the dorm number, and he was beyond relieved when he found it to be unlocked. The first thing he was met with was the sound of retching from the adjacent bathroom. "Jeff?" Pushing the door open, he felt relief wash over him when he saw Jeff alive. Shaking and barely holding himself up by leaning against the sink. Paler than Sebastian ever could have thought imaginable. But alive.
Jeff immediately registered Sebastian's presence and locked eyes with him. The faucet was running, and Sebastian could smell vomit the closer he got. "Jeff, it's okay… "
His motions were slow, tentative, and Jeff just tried not to break. It was almost like Sebastian was afraid of him, like he was this twisted, dark little thing. He thought he was done with people looking at him like that. . . Shaking his head, Jeff turned back to the sink and shoved his fingers back down his throat. It burned, and the rational side of his mind was telling him he had reached stomach acid at this point. Then there was the part of his mind shouting stupid, stupid Jeff, you're going to hurt Nicky and now you dragged Sebastian into your issues and fuck fuck fuck get it out right now you dumbass.
He was solely focused on the burning in his throat, only pulled away when Sebastian physically stopped him. "Jeff. Jeff! Stop, I think you got it all." He was trembling, but too afraid to move. Sebastian had wrapped an arm around his waist to support him, and took notice of Jeff's crying. "It's okay, Blondie, I've got you. We should… let's get out of here." He made to help Jeff out of the room, but was met with deadweight that sent both of them toppling to the bathroom floor in a tangled mess. "Ahh, fuck!"
"Sorry, I'm sorry."
"It's fine." Sebastian sighed, and helped Jeff so that the two of them were leaning up against the wall. It was cold, and the feel of the linoleum mixed with the smell had Sebastian fighting back memories. The faucet was still running, and Jeff was breathing heavily. Without skipping a beat, Sebastian exhaled deeply and elbowed Jeff harshly in the side. He gave a sharp cry of pain and leaned forward, coughing, while Sebastian yelled at him. "What the hell, Sterling?! I never thought you were an idiot, but this has me rethinking that."
While Jeff took in deep breaths to help the pain, Sebastian ran fingers through his own hair. He would have to call Nick first chance he got. "We should probably get you to a hospital."
"No fucking way, Sebastian." It was the first real thing Jeff had said since Sebastian's arrival, and his voice was hoarse. Rather it was from the crying of the vomiting didn't matter. "I don't… I threw them up, I'm fine now."
Sebastian had to force himself not to hurt Jeff again. "Blondie, you just tried to kill yourself; you are not fine, so don't even give me that bull." Now that things had calmed down, Sebastian was able to get a better look at him. He was still pale, and his skin was covered in sweat. The puffiness around his eyes was a clear indicator that he had spent a lot of time crying before calling Sebastian, and he was shaking. Sebastian was at a loss; he had been in many serious situations, but never once had he found himself in this situation. He had always been on Jeff's end. . . He had the sudden urge to call his father up and apologize.
He considered it a miracle that Jeff was still able to form coherent sentences. "No hospital. I'm not going to go."
"Just to make sure? I don't know anything about Duval's pills, they could have some pretty bad effects even if you did puke them up." Please let him have gotten them all up, I can't handle this shit right now.
"No! Please, I just. . . I didn't think I'd be able to sleep, I thought they would help. I didn't mean to. . . " He began shaking harder, and Sebastian was almost afraid that he would start crying again. He didn't, though, opting to draw his legs up closer to his body. "I wasn't thinking."
"Yeah, I can tell that much." Whatever sort of reply he had been expecting, it didn't come. Instead, he flinched when he felt Jeff lay his head on his shoulder. He looked beyond tired, and it was probably pure coincidence that he hadn't fallen asleep by now. "Think you can stand? I'd really rather not have your boyfriend walk in on us lying on your bathroom floor."
It took a bit of help from Sebastian, but for the most part, Jeff was able to make his way back into the bedroom and onto his bed. Sebastian opted to lean against the desk. The empty pill bottle was lying on the desk, and Sebastian took note of the pack of razor blades a few inches from it. He doubted Nick would just let those be left out in the open, so Jeff must have put them there himself. By the looks of the desk, it had either been one or the other in Jeff's mind. Sebastian did not know which option he would have preferred.
On his bed, Jeff was cradling his head in his hands. When he spoke, Sebastian couldn't help but to jump a bit at its suddenness. "Nick. . . he, uh, he was going to call in to get a refill tomorrow, since he was running low."
"Thank God for that." Jeff went back to silence, head bowed in something resembling shame. God, what Sebastian wouldn't give to avoid some huge, emotional mess. "Jeff, look, I would feel a lot better, and I know Nick would feel a lot better, if you got yourself checked out." He was replied to with a shake of that blond head. "Jeff, you just. . ." Sebastian sighed. God, he was beginning to miss that Chem homework. "You can't expect us to let you just go to class tomorrow and carry on like this didn't happen. This is serious, Jeff."
"Not happening."
Sebastian was trying so very hard not to yell, but he was pissed. He hadn't been this scared in years, and God knows he could empathize with feeling low enough to take as many pills as you could get ahold of. Even if Jeff had just 'been tired,' he would have known better than to take however many he took. Then there was the matter of the razor blades Jeff had clearly had stored somewhere in his room. He wouldn't fault the kid for simply having them, but the fact that they were out meant Jeff would have done damage to himself either way. Sebastian could see he was at a loss. Pushing Jeff into something would only make things worse; all that would come of it would be Jeff no longer trusting him. "Okay. Okay, I won't make you go, but just. . . fuck, man, don't scare us like that again."
"I wasn't trying to kill myself, I was just tired."
"Keep saying that all want, but it's not gonna change the fact that you almost died." He waited for Jeff to take in his words before continuing. "And if that had happened, Nick would have come back from wherever the hell he was to find you, and I don't need to tell you that it wouldn't be pretty."
He took notice of the way Jeff flinched at the mention of Nick. Oh. . . "Shit." Without giving Jeff a second look, Sebastian pulled out his phone.
"Sebastian? What's going on, did you find him?" Alright, maybe it would have been a good idea to call Nick as soon as he was sure Jeff was alright, but he had been a little preoccupied at the time. It had probably given the poor guy a heart attack, not knowing what was happening with his boyfriend.
Sebastian put the phone on speaker for Jeff's sake. "I found him he's alright. He'd thrown up the pills before I got here, and it looks like he's going to be fine. He just seems really drained, so he may be out cold by the time you get here."
"Shouldn't you take him to the hospital? What if he didn't get them all out?"
With a shrug Nick couldn't see, Sebastian answered. "He didn't want to go, so I'm not going to force me. And believe me, he got them all up."
The pregnant pause on the other line made Sebastian want to punch something. "Okay." Nick sounded almost as tired as Jeff looked. "Okay, I get it. I'll be there in about five minutes, so just. . . do me a favor and stay with him, please?"
Sebastian had to scoff at this. "I didn't have any intention of leaving him alone." Which was true. If he had any less faith in Nick, he would have probably insisted on staying through the night just so Jeff didn't do anything drastic. As it was, he knew Nick was much better equipped to deal with Jeff than he was, and that was enough to put his mind at ease.
"Thank you. I swear I'll be there in just a few minutes, tell him that. Tell him I am so sorry, and I didn't mean for him. . . I didn't want this to happen."
"You can tell him yourself when you get here, Duval." With that, Sebastian ended the call and looked back at Jeff. It was official: he had seen Sterling cry enough for a lifetime. He would be the first to admit he wasn't the best with emotions, but he found himself beyond grateful that Jeff had called him. Being made uncomfortable was a far better alternative to finding out one of his best friends had overdosed.
Still, that did not make the present situation any more desirable. Sebastian felt the weight of the razor pack he had slipped into his pocket and found his fingers grazing it. He would have to give those to Nick so he could get rid of them. With another sigh, he sunk against the desk and looked up to make eye contact with Jeff. "You scared him, Blondie. You scared me, too, but I'm not the one who gets off on you, so I'm pretty sure he's going to be crying when he gets here." He wasn't trying to make Jeff feel guilty, but the kid needed honesty. Sebastian wasn't going to sugarcoat this, and if Jeff felt terrible about it, than that was just how it worked out.
Jeff didn't look full-on guilty, though. Sure, there was shame, but when he spoke, it still held a familiar bite behind it. "It's Christmas, Sebastian. He can't just expect me not to go home for Christmas just because he doesn't like my parents."
There wasn't much Sebastian could say to that. He had never met Jeff's parents, and he certainly had not seen Jeff back when he was a habitual cutter. But he had heard things, things that made his blood boil and his vision go red, and that was enough to make even him weary about Jeff leaving. He could only imagine how someone who had seen Jeff at his lowest point, someone like Nick who loved him more than life itself, would react to that idea. God, he was way out his element.
"Jeff. . . Okay, look, I'm not gonna pretend to understand what they've done to you to fuck with your brain like this, but you have to know Nick didn't mean anything harsh by it. He's just looking out for you." Jeff nodded in understanding, but his eyes were still glossy. The night seemed to be catching up with him, and Sebastian would be surprised if any of his words were actually getting through to him. "He doesn't want you to get bad again, he told me so himself. And this?" He moved so that he could indicate the pill bottle for Jeff to see. "This is bad. Even if you didn't want to die, you still made out to do some pretty serious damage to your body. We don't want that, and something tells me you don't want it, either."
Jeff simply shook his head. It hurt so much, and he was trying to listen to what Sebastian was saying, but it wasn't coming through. Something about hurting Nicky, and scaring Sebastian. . . they were right, he knew that. "I didn't. . . that's why I called you, I was scared."
"And I'm glad you had enough brain cells left to do that, but seriously, Jeff."
"I'm sorry, Sebastian." And he was. When Sebastian had first brought up the whole self-harm thing to him, he had been twitchy and anxious, but agreed to let Sebastian know if things became bad again. And maybe he hadn't technically broken that promise, since he had managed not to cut, but it was still backtracking. He had called Sebastian because he was scared, and that had only made everyone else scared. He hadn't meant to hurt them, that was the last thing he ever wanted.
Sebastian sighed and leaned his head back to ease the ache. "Don't be sorry, just. . . next time you get like this, call someone before you do something this stupid, alright?" Jeff nodded, barely registering the words. He couldn't think, his body was catching up with his mind, and he was just so damn exhausted.
Sebastian watched as Jeff curled up on his bed and closed his eyes. I swear, if you don't open your eyes in the morning, I am going to commit homicide. It wasn't until he was sure Jeff wouldn't be waking up any time soon that he allowed his own body to relax.
He was still fidgeting with the pack in his pocket when Nick burst through the door, and had to force himself not to shout at the poor kid. Duval looked like hell, which was only to be expected. Sebastian didn't want to know what he looked like, himself.
Nick took in his sleeping boyfriend, noting the rise and fall of his chest, before leaning against the wall in relief. "Thank you, God." He whispered quietly, out of breath. Once he composed himself, he sat down on the bed next to the blond and turned towards Sebastian. "Is he. . . did you say anything to him?"
Sebastian heard the slight bitterness in his words, and was not going to fault him for it. It was fair enough to be weary, Sebastian didn't exactly have a reputation as the most caring person out there. "Nothing you wouldn't tell him in the morning. Told him to not be an idiot and do stupid shit like this again, and that you didn't mean whatever you said to him."
"Thanks, Sebastian. Seriously, if he hadn't called. . . " Nick stopped talking in favor of a few shaky breaths. He didn't want to think about that. "Why did he call you, anyways?"
Sebastian couldn't help but to smirk. At least Jeff hadn't gone and told Nick everything they had talked about, that was a mild relief. "Does it matter? He's going to be okay, and you two can have some overly-sappy talk in the morning. Or a few riveting rounds of make-up sex, I really don't need to know which."
Nick rolled his eyes as he started stroking Jeff's hair, glad he was out cold. He had been regretful after leaving the room, but he had just been so mad, he hadn't thought. He had been beyond terrified when Sebastian had called him, barely making it back to Westerville without crashing his car. He hadn't been that scared since they found Jeff bleeding out in the bathroom after Warbler's practice, and tonight had been nothing but reliving old memories.
He had realized halfway to Columbus he had been in the wrong to yell at Jeff, especially knowing how bad Jeff reacted to people shouting. But he had been frustrated, and it hadn't exactly been at the forefront of his mind that Jeff would to something like this. Though, in retrospect, it should have been. He never should have left Jeff alone, and he would do whatever he could to apologize for making this happen.
From where he stood, Sebastian sighed and pushed himself off of the desk. "I think I should head home, now. Don't want to get in the way of whatever you're thinking of doing to Blondie's poor, vulnerable body right now." Nick rolled his eyes, but gave no verbal response. "Hey, can you call me tomorrow and letting me know if he's alright?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I can do it." Sebastian nodded in thanks, and made sure to give Nick a reassuring clap on the shoulder before making his exit, still fidgeting with the pack of razors in his pocket. Once he was safely out of the hall and into the parking lot, he lets out a loud groan.
Chemistry seemed like a walk in the park right about now.
End A/N: So this is my Christmas gift to you all! I have five minutes left before it's tomorrow, so I just wanted to get this up real quick. I realized I might not have much of a chance to show the Jeffbastian friendship in Lovely like I would have enjoyed, so I wanted to write this. It takes place a bit before Lovely, but after For the Nights (which I will try and have updated by the end of the year, though I haven't gotten much into that stories background much so far,)
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed, and if you do happen to read my other stories, I promise to try and update those as I can. I hope you all have a good holiday season, and if you like this, please let me know:)