NOTE: This insane piece of writing is for FUN. Don't take it seriously and please don't murder me.
The Hogwarts castle is majestic. From the courtyard, it is an imposing building, its age almost tangible. However, there is one part of the castle that holds no mystery, no intrigue, nothing particularly magical about it whatsoever.
And that is within Draco Malfoy's room.
True, he is the son of the infamous Lucius Malfoy, but we all know that on the inside, young Draco is a soft little boy who has one interest, and one interest only.
Himself.
Take a look inside his room and you will find glass casements containing 'chibi' dolls of himself, each in a different costume. There's one in a quidditch uniform, another in a shirt that says 'I hate Harry Potter' (with 'Potter stinks' badge attached), and another in (though he'll never tell) in muggle clothing. Various portraits hang on the walls (all of himself) with him in different poses. There's the thinker pose, the scowl, the 'where are my goons?' pose. A large mirror is positioned so his reflection is the first thing he sees in the morning, and the last thing he sees as he goes to bed. Finally, there's the blown up Draco poster, which takes up one wall.
Said Draco Malfoy has a certain routine that he never deviates from. As soon as he wakes up, he sees himself in the mirror, and smiles at the greasy haired boy staring back. He gets up and kisses his reflection seven times (for good luck) then begins to dress. This all happens within his first ten minutes of consciousness. Then he goes and checks on his chibi dolls, which are protected by the bulky Crabbe and Goyle. If these two guards happen to slack off on the job, Draco makes sure they don't get any treats in the night.
After examining his dolls, Draco stands in front of each portrait for ten minutes and forces his goons and girlfriend to admire the beauty of the pictures. When that's done, Draco has to face the ordeal of going through school. He sneaks back to his room when he can, sometimes adding a bit more to the 'Draco Malfoy collection'.
As the day concludes, Draco returns to his room and sends all his fan club and body guards away. For the next three or four hours, he talks to his pictures, relating the day, complaining about Harry Potter and going through his psychological issues (of which there are many). Then he compliments each picture before choosing a chibi doll to sleep with. Even with them, there's a set order. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays belong to the quidditch Draco; muggle Draco gets Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, while 'I Hate Harry' Draco gets Sundays and special holidays. Draco kisses his reflection seven times, then goes to sleep.
Now, there has been one time in history this ritual has been disrupted. And that was because of Draco's evil arch nemesis.
Harry Potter.
It all began over an ego battle, when Harry happened to log onto his fanfiction account and discovered something so outrageous, so unthinkable, he was practically frozen for ten minutes. Inside he was simmering, he was radiating so much anger that people started to shuffle away from him to avoid the impending explosion. Ron, being ever brave, hesitantly tapped Harry on the shoulder to ask an explanation. But Harry didn't have to say a thing. Staring at the computer screen, Ron saw what the problem was.
Draco Malfoy had 278 more fanfics dedicated to himself than Harry did.
"What does he have that I don't?!" Harry shrieked. "I'm perfect, I'm the hero, I'm the best! I'm better than Voldemort!"
Hermione looked up from the impossibly large and tedious volume she was reading and shrugged. "It's because you're so boring. Oh wow, you're a hero. What's the big deal? Draco has enigma, the bad boy thing behind him. You're too mediocre for everyone else Harry."
Heads turned and breath was sharply inhaled. How could such a thing be said to the great and wondrous Harry Potter? And by the uber nerd as well? Said nerd was looking nonchalant, reading the tiny font of her book (it's a wonder she doesn't have glasses yet). The room was tense, anticipating Harry's reaction. He sighed slowly and nodded.
"We'll have to fix that then," he muttered. He snapped his fingers and Ron and Hermione were by his side instantly. "We have to infiltrate Draco's room and find out his secret."
"Right behind you Harry," Ron said, ever loyal and stupid.
"Well, everyone says I don't have a life so I'll tag along even though I'm secretly in love with Draco and I'm carrying his child."
Hoping that that statement would get her noticed by anyone, Hermione angrily pouted when no one paid attention to it. The trio headed down to the dungeons, where Draco's room was located in the Slytherin dormitories. It was easy enough getting into the common room, but the challenge was getting into Draco's.
"Whatever could his password be!" Ron exclaimed.
They stared at the large portrait of Draco (that was mocking them and grinning), then Hermione snapped her fingers.
"Draco Malfoy is the hottest!" she said. The portrait scowled at her, then swung aside and they entered Malfoy's very large room. Upon entry, they were all amazed at the amount of Draco Malfoy fan items.
"Look at this!" Harry demanded, angrily picking up the 'I Hate Harry' chibi doll. His friends stared at him blankly and he rolled his eyes. "It's custom ordered. See? Made in Japan. Why don't I have this stuff circulating at the moment?!"
"Because you're povo?" Ron offered. Harry shot him a death glare.
"We must do something about this," Harry muttered, looking around him. "What would strike Malfoy to the heart and ruin him completely?"
As Ron hurt his head trying to think and Harry fumed silently, Hermione furtively went over to the wall sized poster of Malfoy and began professing her love in front of it. Harry saw something different, however, and grinned.
"Hermione, you're a genius," he smiled, hopping up and pulling out his wand. Hermione's eyes widened, and she immediately took a defensive position in front of the poster.
"Stand aside," Harry waved around his wand.
Hermione pouted. "What are you going to do?"
"Move it of course," Harry replied cheerfully. With one flick of the wand, the poster was transported to the Gryffindor dormitories, onto the wall beside Harry's bed. Ron gaped.
"Like, where did it go?" he asked.
Harry beckoned for his friends to follow. "Off to the tower. Let's go."
In their dorm, Harry's room mates were bewildered to find Draco Malfoy's poster on the wall. Neville eyed it warily.
"Why's it here?" he asked Harry.
Harry steepled his fingers and laughed maniacally. "We, my friend, are going to play a little muggle sport."
Out of no where, Harry proffered a box filled with darts. "Aim and throw. Get one on his face, one hundred points. Below the chest, fifty. Anywhere else... well, we'll come to it later. Now, this is a traditional sport in pubs. So free drinks for all!"
Being the fun loving and party animals all Gryffindors are, a crowd soon gathered and began playing the game. Their laughter resounded through the castle and soon Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs came to play, since everyone hates a Slytherin.
Meanwhile, Draco returned to his room and went through his routine. Talking out his problems, checking his dolls, kissing his reflection and finally getting into bed. When he noticed.
Something was terribly wrong.
He tried to figure out what it was and after a great deal of thinking, it hit him.
His favourite, most expensive, most perfect photo was gone.