DISCLAIMER: I do not own all the lovely men you'll see in this fic. I'd like to, but alas… I'm making no money, this is just for fun.

SPOILERS: Vague mentions of stuff from 'Sex & Violence', 'Head of a Pin', and 'Monster at the End of This Book'. But very vague.

A/N: I got inspired for this while reading WriterGirl94's "I'm Fading".

ASK ME NO QUESTIONS

Sam sat on the edge of his bed, fully dressed and ready for action. It was 2:13am, Dean was sleeping and Ruby was waiting. He knew he would, but for now, he couldn't make his feet carry him out of the room.

He'd had Lilith. She'd been right there, he'd almost had her. The power, his power - it wasn't enough. Nothing he was doing was enough. He couldn't kill her, and though he knew (or at least believed) that she would die before the war ended, it didn't make him feel better.

He wanted to kill her. He wanted to tear the flesh off her body and make her beg for death for what she did to Dean. What she did to him. And then he wanted to deny her request, and hurt her until he ran out of ways to give her pain.

And that scared him more than his powers ever had. Because it was wrong, so very, very wrong. It's what Dean was scared of, what the angels were waiting for… it was the feeling Sam was trying to deny he even had.

If a monster like Lilith, the person who planned and started the war, wasn't going to make it…

A movement in the shadows near the bathroom drew his attention. Castiel, his brother's keeper, stepped out of the shadows.

Sam didn't know why, but he found himself saying, "I don't… I don't think I'm going to make it through the war."

There was a beat of silence before the angel responded, "It's unlikely."

"And Dean?" Because even if Sam died, Dean had to live. He couldn't let his brother die. Not again.

"There is a chance." Castiel's eyes roamed over Dean.

Sam wondered if the angel knew he was going to leave with Ruby again. If Cas had come to watch over Dean, protect him when Sam wouldn't. Yeah, wouldn't. Because Sam knew he shouldn't go with Ruby, knew that Dean needed him, and that he should be here. But he needed the strength. He didn't know how to protect Dean without it anymore.

Dean was so fragile these days. Tears always just behind his eyes. So much had happened, so much Sam didn't understand - that he didn't want to understand. But Sam could only take so much of the torture in his brother's eyes.

Hell changes you. Twists a person in ways that shouldn't be possible. And Dean had been there for forty years. The things Dean did to himself…

"You know… I don't think I was even grateful. I was just pissed. I hated him for doing it." He said as his own dark eyes passed over Dean.

"Because you wanted the peace of death? Or because he condemned himself?" The angel moved closer to Sam.

Sam shook his head, still looking at his brother. "Both… he shouldn't have."

"No." Castiel replied, standing over Sam. Sam's eyes dropped to the ground, away from Dean and away from the angel. His lips pressed into each other, trying to hold in the cry Sam wanted to let out. He rubbed a hand across his mouth, down his chin.

"But he did. And I never even said thanks. Not once." Sam was a terrible brother. He wasn't ungrateful. What Dean did for him… love wasn't a strong enough word. There wasn't a word for that kind of devotion. That kind of need.

Sam had tried to do the exact same thing after Dean had died. He should have thanked him, at least once, instead of constantly telling him how stupid it was. How reckless. Instead of badgering him to fix his mistake.

"He knows." Castiel said simply.

"What'll happen to me? When I die… again." he added ruefully.

"I don't know." Of course not. And why should he tell Sam anyway? He didn't deserve Heaven at this point, but the thought of all eternity without Dean, and their father and mother. The thought was practically hell.

"It's Ruby's blood." And he really didn't know where that came from. The angel's blue eyes shot to Sam and pinned him to his seat. Sam hasn't had a lot of interaction with the angels, he didn't think they liked him anyway. He's not sure what to call the look in the angel's eyes, but it's hard and cold and... sad? "It's how I've… I had to. To be able to save Dean."

Castiel's eyes flick to Dean and back to Sam in a blink. And something in the way the angel moves to take a seat, tells Sam he understands the reasoning. But the look in Castiel's eyes tells Sam it's unacceptable, and it has to stop.

Sam doesn't want to think about what will happen when Dean learns the truth. He wonders briefly if Cas will tell Dean. It seems like the angel and his brother have no secrets. Sam only told Cas because he had to tell someone, and he wasn't ready to tell Dean yet. Their relationship couldn't handle it.

"I don't want to go to Hell, Cas." But he couldn't stop doing what he was doing with Ruby, not yet. "Does God… still love me?"

"Always."

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