Hey everyone,

I wanted to say thanks to grandsummon for reminding me about my signed reviews error. I forgot all about that.

Disclaimer: I do not own CCS. Clamp does.

Mungbeans

He had lost her.

The realization slammed into Syaoran Li's chest with unexpected force causing the guitar clasped between his hands to drop to the ground with a thud, but he didn't notice. Everything around him ceased to exist; his band members, the roaring crowd, the guitar he had been tuning. Everything. He was lost in his thoughts.

Scenes flashed through his scrambled mind like jagged flashes of lightning.

Oh God! Syaoran groaned, burying his head in his hands. What had he done?

"What the fuck have I done?"

"Come on Sakura, it'll be fun," Tomoyo Daidouji coaxed her best friend. So far it hadn't done any good. She had already tried begging, pleading and cajoling but Sakura continued to steadfastly ignore her.

Tomoyo surveyed the room she and Sakura had spent half there lives in. The small beautifully furnished bedroom held a wealth of memories. Their walls were stained with tales of love, friendship, happiness and heartache. She was going to miss Sakura's bedroom.

Sakura had nearly finished packing and although the room was bare of most of her personal possessions which were laying in the safety of her suitcase, Tomoyo could still picture the room as it had been in all the times she had spent in there.

She remembered the laughs they had shared, the secrets they had confided in each other, the tears they had spilled, but somehow none of those memories of heartbreak compared to the one which was being made at that very moment.

"Sakura, we don't even have to stay long. Please, you're leaving in a couple of hours to New York. You can't go without saying goodbye to everyone." Tomoyo felt bad for using guilt but it was the only thing she knew that would make Sakura go their 'leaving high school' formal.

"Don't you understand, Tomoyo?" She jumped as Sakura suddenly whipped around, dashing furiously at the uncontrollable tears streaming down her pale cheeks. "I can't go!" she shouted furiously, angry at her lack of composure, "I can't see him again!" she turned away, unable to bare Tomoyo's understanding gaze. "I can't. . ." she cried softly. Unable to stop the torrent of tears she gave into them, letting the powerful sobs rack her body. Sliding to the ground, she brought her knees up and hugged herself, as though it would somehow diminish the pain that was currently slicing through every part of her body.

Tomoyo rushed forward, dropping to her knees, she wrapped her arms around Sakura's huddled form and gathered her close, wanting to lend comfort though she knew that she wasn't much help.

Crooning soft words to her over and over again, Tomoyo tried to offer as much comfort as she could. When at last she felt Sakura's body relax and her breathing even, she let go and draped a blanket over her friends sleeping form.

Snapping open her cell phone, Tomoyo furiously dialed her boyfriend's number and waited impatiently as the dial toned rang continuously. Finally, someone picked up.

"Yeah? It's Eli," Eli answered.

"Eli? Are you sure this is a good idea?" Tomoyo asked anxiously. "What if he hurts her again?" she demanded furiously. No matter how much she loved him, she would go against Eli if it meant Sakura wouldn't go through this much pain again.

"Look sweetheart, I know Li; whatever happened he didn't mean to hurt her. He loves her." Eriol reasoned.

"But you haven't seen her yet. God Eli, it's like everything within her is shattered." She cried softly, "I can't bare to see her like this. She doesn't deserve this." She whispered painfully. She looked down at her friend, even in her sleep Sakura looked trouble and vulnerable. Tomoyo sighed, Sakura was everything good, she didn't deserve this.

"I promise everything will be fine." He promised.

"But what if he-?"

"Do have faith in me?" Eli asked calmly.

"I-" Tomoyo sighed knowing that Eli was right; if he promised everything would be alright, then it would. Eli never broke his promises. "Yes, I do have faith in you." She smiled at her blind faith in him. But when you loved someone as much as she did him, blind faith came easily.

"Make sure she's there by eight." He instructed, sounding unfazed by her faith, but she could here the hint of his smile behind the words; she knew without a doubt that his love for her rivaled her own.

"Alright, but her plane leaves at eight-thirty," Tomoyo reminded him.

"Then we have plenty of time," she was about to switch of her phone when the sound of his voice brought the phone back to her ear. "By the way, don't forget that i love you." Tomoyo smiled at Eli's husky reminder, but by the time her voice came back the dial toned signaled the end of the call.

Tomoyo crouched down next to Sakura, hugging her friend closely, she settled into a more comfortable position and sighed. "Eli promised everything will turn out right, Sakura. We have to believe in him."

Sakura twisted and groaned, trying to resist the pull of the torturous memories. She didn't want to revisit them.

Hadn't she had enough pain already!

She screamed as the memories gripped her, unable to pry herself from their grasp she tumbled through the abyss to find herself at hell's door.

She could hear her memories screaming at her through the door, each coaxing her to open the door. Powerless to stop herself, she watched horrified as she slowly reached out and grasped the shiny door knob.

"No! Don't, please," she sobbed, but her body wouldn't listen. She squeezed her eyes shut in hopes that it would all disappear, but it didn't. She felt her hand twist the knob and slowly pull open the door. She braced herself expectantly, but nothing happened. Feeling the air whoosh out of her lungs, she let go of the doorknob and breathed a sigh of relief.

Suddenly the door ripped off its hinges. Sakura froze, terrified as icy fingers shot out all around her, seizing her by the waist. She watched as the numerous hands dragged their horrified captive into their world.

Tomoyo jolted as Sakura startled thrashing wildly. She attempted to calm her down but Sakura was unrelenting.

"Sakura? Sakura?!" Tomoyo was suddenly afraid for her friend. Sakura had given her a vague recollection of what had happened that night after she had left Syaoran's but Tomoyo sensed that Sakura hadn't told her the most distressing part.

"Sakura? God, what did that bastard do to you?" After several futile attempts at calming her friend down, Sakura finally gave in and quieted down.

"Oh, Sakura," Tomoyo sobbed, "what demons did he plague you with?"

Li could have kicked himself for his stupidity. He knew Sakura better then he knew himself. he knew that after all she had been through she didn't want to be left alone no matter how much she had clamed that she did.

Raking a frustrated hand through his messy locks he exhaled slowly. He should have never pushed her aside like that. He should have spent more time with her. He should have been there for her when she needed him most. He should have kept his promises to her.

He should have. . .

God, there were so many things he should have done. But it was too late now. All he could do now was do his best to make it up to her. That's if she would let him.

But after everything they had been through together, when she needed him most he hadn't been there.

Li tried to not give in to despair.

Sakura opened her eyes to find herself in a stark white room. She attempted to move her limbs, breathing a sigh of relief when she found them unbound. They had finally let her go. She looked around at the strange surroundings. It was a pure white room. The walls and ceiling were all virginal white. Looking down she felt a silent gasp pass through her parted lips. It looked like the room went on forever.

She froze, afraid to move. Icy tendrils of fear curled around her stiffened form. Where was she? Squeezing her eyes shut, she fervently prayed that by the time she opened her eyes everything would disappear and she would find herself in the familiar surroundings of her cozy bedroom again, with Tomoyo.

But to her dismay, when her eyes opened she was still surrounded by a landscape of white and a quick glance down showed that she was still suspended in midair.

Wanting nothing more to do with the eerie room, she began to search for the door she had entered through. She didn't know what she would do when she found it, but her mind was in such a wild fit that she could only deal with one thought at a time.

Suddenly a flickering light behind her drew her attention.

She watched half fascinated half afraid as a large screen unfolded before her. It seemed to take up the whole wall. She was sure that if it didn't emit that soft blue glow that she would have missed it. It practically melted into the wall.

The instant the screen stop flickering a feeling of foreboding rushed through her, causing her to drop to her knees and gasp for breath. She knew what was coming but try as she could she couldn't advert her eyes from the large screen.

Sakura shook her head furiously as a scene appeared on the blank canvas. It looked innocent enough with a small green-eyed girl and amber-eyed boy sitting beneath a Sakura tree, but she knew how that particular movie would end. There was only one way it could end, in heartache and pain.

"No! I don't want to see this, you hear me?! I don't want to relive this!" Sakura begged brokenheartedly. But the movie plowed on, unaware of the torment it was subjecting its viewer to, or maybe because.

(12 Years ago)

"Look daddy, there's someone moving into the mansion," Sakura tugged at her father's sleeve and pointed excitedly to the sprawling house across the road.

"Ahh, I see the Li's have arrived at last," Fujitaka explained to his six year old daughter. "I hear they have a son around your age. Why don't you take this over and introduce yourself? I'm sure he doesn't know anyone, he might need a friend to show him around." He smiled down at his fidgeting daughter.

"What if he doesn't like me?" Sakura asked hesitantly as she clutched the proffered apple pie.

"Of course he won't like you, you're a monster,' Touya snickered at his little sister.

Sakura laughed in glee as she watched her older brother howl in pain; poor Touya never did learn not to mess with her.

Daintily steeping off her brother's injured foot, she stuck out her tongue and crossed the street to the newly vacated house, but as always she couldn't resist getting out the parting shot.

"Being a monster must run in the family then Touya, 'cause nobody likes you either."

"Looks like she got you there, son," Fujitaka chuckled.

Touya glared at the two small figures conversing across the street. Muttering something under his breath, he gave one last glower before stomping back in the house.

"Hello," Syaoran turned around at the sound of the small voice. He was startled to find himself looking at a tiny girl with a mop of brown hair and vivid green eyes that looked way too big for her small face.

"Um, hey," He wondered who she was, she looked a little nervous. He watched her glance around nervously, clutching some sort of dish to her chest. She looked ready to bolt.

Taking a deep breath Sakura smiled at the amber-eyed boy who was staring at her. "Myname'sSakura.Mydaddygavemethistogivetoyou.Hesaidthatyoumightneedafriendbu ti'llgoawayifyoudowantotbemyfriend." she quickly thrust the pie dish into the small boy's hands, wincing as he grunted.

Syaoran stared at her dumbfounded, "huh?"

Sakura blushed to the roots of her hair. Berating herself for confusing her new neighbour she took a deep calming breath and told herself to slow down. "I'm sorry, I meant to say that my name's Sakura. My daddy gave that dish to give to you. It's apple pie. And he said that you might need a friend to show you around, but if you don't want to be my friend, then I'll go." She was already turning away before she had finished her sentence.

Tucking the apple pie under one arm, he reached out to grab her hand.

"uh, no don't go yet. I-I-I'd like you to be my friend." Syaoran felt twin spots of pink lighten his cheeks.

He was amazed at the wide grin that spread on his new friend's face. Suddenly two chubby arms were tightly wrapped around his middle. "I'd really like that too," Sakura said fervently.

(One year later age 7)

Sakura, what is it?" Syaoran asked anxiously, as Sakura ran across the road and hurtled straight into his arms. Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

He let her take so calming breaths before she could get the words out. "Ke- ke-ke," she hiccuped between sobs, "he died." She ended on big gulping sobs.

"Kero died?"

Sakura nodded furiously making her pigtails swing out of control. One whacked Syaoran right in the eye.

"Would you like to say something Sakura?"

Sakura nodded, walking up to Syaoran she bowed her head and began the speech she had prepared. "Kero you were such a good friend," she dashed at a tear, "I'll never forget you. I know you always dreamed of the big sea and I want you to know that you're going to go to a better place."

"Is that all Sakura?" Syaoran asked as he nursed his swollen right eye. Sakura gave a small nod.

They gathered around the toilet bowl and watch as Syaoran released the small fleck of gold in his left hand.

"If you'll do the honours Sakura?" Sakura stepped forward and flushed the toilet, softly crying as she watched her dead goldfish swirl around the bowl before getting sucked through the pipe.

(Two years later age 9)

"What's this?" Sakura asked as Syaoran quickly shoved a small wrapped package into her hand.

She watched fascinated as a beet red Syaoran mumbled a reply. Syaoran's colouring was rivaling that of a tomato.

"Pardon?"

"It's your valentines present." Syaoran mumbled quickly. Spinning around, he shuffled over to her bedroom window and looked out, though he wasn't really looking in any in particular. He just didn't want to face her if she was disappointed in his gift.

He was about to mumble an apology and rush out of the room when he heard her squeal of delight.

"Oh Syaoran, it's beautiful." Syaoran turned around to find Sakura beaming up at him. She reached in and delicately extracted the fine chain of gold. He heard her gasp as the light chain nestled in the palm of her hand.

"Here, let me help you put it on," Syaoran offered, relieved that Sakura loved his gift. He had spent hours picking it out at the jewelers by himself. He remembered the saleswomen smile as he picked out the chain and gave her his piggy bank. He had been saving up for Sakura's gift for ages.

"What is it Sakura?" Syaoran asked as Sakura looked up at him with embarrassed, distraught eyes.

"I didn't get anything for you though," Sakura burst out. Her bottom lip trembled at her colossal mistake. She couldn't accept this when she had nothing to give in return.

Syaoran smiled down at her calmly, "It's alright."

"But, but," Sakura spluttered, unable to stop the feeling of guilt welling up in her. Suddenly a thought came to her. "Wait! Close your eyes." Sakura ordered. She waited till she was sure the Syaoran wasn't peeking before she walked right up to him and grasped his head softly between her hands.

"No peeking," she admonished as his lashes flickered.

Syaoran smiled. Sakura sounded down right nervous. He knew he shouldn't peek but he didn't fully trust her not to hurt him. He winced as he remembered the swollen eye her ponytail had given him. It had taken weeks for it to heal.

All thoughts ceased as he felt her lips touch his tentatively. Then suddenly she was kissing him, and although it was awkward it was the best kiss he had ever received.

"Happy valentines day, Syaoran." Sakura whispered with a smile on her lips.

(One year later age 10)

"Sakura?" Syaoran whispered softly. He edged around the large trunk of the Sakura tree to find his best friend trying her best not to weep.

"Oh, Syaoran she's dead." Sakura whimpered. Syaoran knelt next to Sakura's huddled form and wrapped her in his arms. He whispered soothing words to her, hoping that they would calm her a little.

His sweet Sakura, she was so innocent. He wasn't sure if she was emotionally equipped to deal with the blow of her mother's death. At least he knew what she was going through; his father had died in a car pileup when he was five. It had been the reason why his family had moved to Toemeda.

"Why'd she leave me?" Sakura cried brokenheartedly. "Didn't she love me?"

"Of course she loved you. She didn't mean to leave you, it's just that the cancer was too strong for her." He explained slowly. Unfolding his handkerchief, her used it to mop away her tears. "She's in heaven now." He tried to smile reassuringly but only managed a small grin.

"You won't leave me too, will you Syaoran?" she clutched onto his shirt and stared at him with an anxious eyes.

At first he tried to pry her fingers off, but after a few attempts he let her stay glued to him. "Don't be silly, of course I'll never leave you." He ruffled her hair, knowing that it would annoy her but hoping that the small semblance of normality would cheer her up.

"Promise?" she stuck out her pinky.

"Promise," Syaoran replied with a grin. Hooking his pinky around her smaller one they shook fingers solemnly.

Sakura sighed in relief. Crawling closer to her best friend, she nestled against the warmth of his chest and fell into a peaceful sleep with a contented smile lingering on her lips.

(One year later age 11)

"Syaoran! Syaoran! Guess what!" Sakura squealed excitedly.

Syaoran looked up from the notes he had been studying and turned towards the tornado that had blown through his door.

"What is it Sakura?" Syaoran asked calmly. A smile played on his lips as he viewed her excited state. She had such an extreme personality; she was always either sadder then the sun on a rainy day or happier then a fish in water. But she meant the world to him.

"I got an A for math's!" Spotting her best friend at his desk, she hurtled herself across the vast room with the speed of Roadrunner. "I was sure I was going to fail before you offered to become my slave driving tutor." Syaoran chuckled at the nickname she had deemed him when he had refused her recess unless she finished her sums.

Coming up behind him, she wrapped her spaghetti arms around him and hugged him for all she was worth. "And it's all thanks to you, Syaoran." She sighed and rested her head against the hollow between his shoulder blades.

"I knew you could do it, Sakura."

(Two years later age 13)

"Stupid algebra," Sakura muttered, ripping the page of sums from her pad she crumpled at piece of paper and hurled it into the bin.

Sighing, Sakura finally gave up. She had been at the blasted sums for hours now, but it was useless, without Syaoran's help she was useless at any form of math's. She counted herself lucky for knowing how to count.

Leaning back she rested against the large trunk of the Sakura tree. Light flickered through the heavy branches of lush green leaves causing shadows to dance across her outstretched legs.

She could hear a group of teenagers approaching but ignored their intrusion upon what she had knighted as her and Syaoran's territory.

". . .Did you see his abs?" Sakura rolled her eyes at the high pitched giggles. Her peers were such air heads, they liked nothing more then to talk about boys, shopping and make-up; ick!

Closing her eyes, she concentrated on the soft breeze floating around her and the heady scent of the cherry blossoms. She tried ignoring the gaggle of loud females but at the mention of her best friend her eyes shot open.

"Yeah I know, Li is so totally hot! I saw him playing tennis without his shirt on and I nearly got heat rash! He's so hot he's practically smoking!" Sakura was sure that if her jaw could it would have hit the grass with a thud.

Syaoran? Hot? She shook her head and tried to wipe the dumbfounded expression from her face. No, they were probably gossiping about a different Li. But he sounded an awful lot like the Li she knew. Syaoran loved playing tennis; it being a one-on-one sport. He was a good team player. Sakura scoffed, hell he hated playing in teams, unless it was a team full of Syaoran Li's.

"I know. But I wonder why he hangs around that loser Kinomto? Have you seen the way she acts around him, she's like a love-sick puppy hanging on to his every word. Sit Sakura, fetch Sakura, roll over Sakura," Sakura felt the nausea at the back of her throat. Was that how everyone viewed her friendship with Syaoran? Did they think she was in love with him?

Sakura bolted upright as the startling realization hurled into her.

She had fallen in love with her best friend.

She had fallen in love with Syaoran Li.

(Two years later age 15)

"Hello Sakura," Yelan opened the front door and greeted Syaoran's regular visit.

"Hi Mrs. Li, I was wondering if Syaoran's here?" Sakura smiled up at the beautiful woman. At first, Syaoran's mum had made her nervous with her stark beauty but after she had gotten to know the woman she had become more like a second mother now.

"Sorry sweetheart you just missed him. He left with a couple of his friends not long ago." Yelan explained.

"Oh, I see. Well thanks anyway Mrs. Li." Yelan watched as Sakura's face fell. She knew that her son was roaming around with different friends now that he had discovered his own appeal but she had hoped that she had taught her son better then to drop his old friends for new ones. Especially when his old friend was Sakura. She knew that they were very special to each other. They had spent every waking minute of their days together as children but it seemed that they were drifting apart now. Or more truthfully Syaoran was putting a wedge between their once solid friendship.

She had come to regard Sakura as one of her own children and hated seeing her look so down trodden and she knew that Sakura was upset though the girl was trying to put up a brave font.

"Are you sure you don't want to come in, Sakura? You can wait for him if you like?"

"Uh, no I'll catch up with him later. Thanks. Bye." Yelan watched as Sakura gave a small wave before disappearing into the house opposite her own. Syaoran's childhood best friend had bloomed into a beautiful woman, not only on the outside but in the inside too. She hoped that her son would realize it too before it was too late.

A.N

Hope you guys liked that. I loved writing this fic. It was really hard to begin with so their might be some mistakes. I rushed through this 'cause I really wanted it done, don't ask me why I haven't figured that out yet.

I know I've got truckloads of mistakes and big potholes in the plot so I don't need anyone to remind me. Any flames will be used to roast chicken for my dinner. =P

Anyways, I really wanted to finish this fic fast 'cause I want to work on my other fic. I just wanted to write it because of the songs really. ;

Don't forget to review!!

© 20 January 2004