Disclaimer: We do not intend any insult/offense with our writings. If extreme sarcasm offends you, turn away now. You have been warned. We also do not claim to own any persons/businesses/products mentioned here. P.S. This is not to be taken seriously, in any way, shape, or form. This is meant purely for entertainment purposes. P.S.S. This was written at the special request of smithsbabe65.

2nd Breakfast Enterprises
666 Melkor's Place
Alqualondë, Middle Earth

Mr. Cruise
000 Freakshow Road
Antichristland, FU 00000

Dear Mr. Cruise:

We recently heard of your promotion to the level of "Christ" in the Church of Scientology. We suppose congratulations are in order, but unfortunately our gag reflexes don't allow us to speak at this point in time.

Normally, in our letters of advice, we focus our comments on a person's work instead of personal life, but for you we will make an exception because your work is not worth mentioning.

Our first question is this: if you invited Brad Pitt to your house one day for tea, would you expect him to jump up and down on your couch and possibly destroy your furniture? We should think not. So what kind of obtuse demon possessed you into thinking it was acceptable to annihilate Oprah's furniture?

We realize that you are not a man of large stature. However, this does not mean that you can have the ego to compensate for your…shortcomings. This also does not mean that your wife must always be a foot taller than yourself. If you are that insecure about your…height…since you make $20 million per movie perhaps you could use some of those ill-earned funds and seek medical attention. There are several doctors in Baja California that would be more than willing to accept your clientele.

In the words of the almighty Crystalin, a constant source of wisdom and enlightenment for us, "You are a little pussy man that needs to disappear off the face of the planet". We do not claim to disagree with these sentiments.

Pussy—Slang "A man regarded as weak, timid, or unmanly". Having never met you in the physical world, we cannot vouch for your physical weakness, but we feel it is safe to say your acting skills are weak and unconvincing. As for unmanly…let's just say that Dolly Parton exudes more manliness than your person.

Ever seen the movie The Princess Bride? In our minds we envision you as a R.O.U.S.—a Rodent Of Unusual Size. You snivel and weasel your way into the limelight. We feel the need to inform you that this is not an attractive trait, despite what Lindsay Lohan may have told you (you also might want to disregard her make-up advice unless you want to look like a cheap streetwalker).

In a world where couch-jumping cultish freaks can make more money than a small country, we do not feel it undeserving to say that we hope Scientology's aliens come and reclaim you soon. Very soon.

Sincerely,

Raven & Tabitha
CEOs and Founders
2nd Breakfast Enterprises