A/N: I don't know where this came from. I blame it on the fact that I've been reading Road to Ninja fics lately and saw a summary for one totally unrelated where Itachi's children and their mother arrive in Konoha after Sasuke comes back. Plus, I've been a crackish mood lately, as my poor friend who has had to put up with me would be able to testify. Jane will hopefully never read this, but on the off chance she does, Jane I'm sorry.
Timing: It's set during the last fight between Sasuke and Itachi.
Warning: this is PURE crack. Quiet frankly, this is so ridiculous I'm not sure it will be funny. I hope it is.
Disclaimer: I only own Sasuke. ;)
Light attacked Sasuke's eyes the moment he cracked them open. That was odd. He had been expecting to wake up to darkness after his latest bought with Itachi. He had at least expected Karin to be wailing over him or, providing Team Hebi had been destroyed, Naruto to be yelling at him to come back to the village. At the very least, Sasuke never expected to wake up at all. But here he was in a clean little apartment with sunlight streaming in, lying on a soft bed with warm blankets, and there was no after battle hangover symptoms.
For some reason, this unnerved him more than the prospect of lying on the battlefield cut up into little tiny pieces by Itachi's kunia. Of course, it shouldn't; and he told himself to get a grip, but still, he shouldn't be here. Instinctually, he had a pretty good idea where "here" was. Home. Konoha. Sakura. Naruto. Kakashi.
Sasuke sighed and let his forearm drop heavily over his eyes in a effort to forget his troubles. Coming back to Konoha would not be easy, and he knew that most likely execution was all that awaited him there. Here. Whatever. The point was it would be painful and unsatisfying, and it would probably have been best for everyone if he had died a tragic death with his evil brother. Then Naruto could have dragged his body back and made him some sort of weird, twisted hero. Sakura would cry and leave a rose on his grave or something before marrying some other normal shinobi who actually loved her and raise nice, happy little babies without him. And Kakashi would read his porn and they would all forget about him and be happy. And he would just be, well, dead...
A soft moan came from the vicinity of his elbow; squirming followed. Sasuke was frozen like stone where he was: afraid to breathe, afraid in some twisted turn of fate-
A pink head popped out from under the covers. "Good morning, Sasuke," Sakura said with a sleepy smile.
Said nin jumped out of bed and screamed, albeit in the most masculine way possible, or so he chose to believe.
Sakura glowered at him. Glowered. "I know I look awful, but you don't have to act like that about it. You married me so you're stuck with it no matter how bad it is."
Wait, what?! Well at least that explained her presence...on second thought, there was no way they could be married, he'd just woke up from his most recent battle with Itachi! He'd been out cold! There was absolutely no. Way.
"Teme! Sakura-" Naruto was abruptly cut off by Sasuke's katana hurling straight at his face. "Hey!" He yelled. "Sakura-chan! That could have killed me!"
Sakura shrugged and Sasuke stared at her. She had changed. Considerably. "You need to learn to knock first, Naruto. I don't know how else to teach you that. I've already tried beating it into you," she said in an exasperated tone. Naruto shuddered, apparently remembering those "lessons". Sasuke smirked. Sakura continued to rant. "Besides, you're a shinobi, you can obviously doge!" She said pointing beside Naruto's head to where the katana was still quivering in the wall.
"It's the principle of the thing!" Naruto protested. "Besides, you guys were dressed this time, so what's the big deal? You've been moody and sadistic like Teme every since you guys got married," he whined. Suddenly he brightened. "Wait, does that mean you're pregnant?" He rushed forward and enveloped both his teammates in a crushing hug. "Congrats, Teme! It's about time." Wink, wink; nudge nudge.
Naruto was on the floor in a new record of point three seconds.
"Dobe," Sasuke sniffed.
"It's not my fault she's like this," Naruto whined, earning him a couple of punches and rant from Sakura about manners.
"Aww come on, Sakura-chan, it's not like we're twelve anymore!" He paused and studied Sasuke. "Hey, Teme's blushing! Isn't that sweet..." Naruto drawled. In moment of inner panic, Sasuke deftly touched his face. It was indeed warm. "Heh, you almost look too innocent to have knocked-" the Dobe was interrupted by a six foot Uchiha flying at him with murderous intent.
Sasuke was stopped short of killing Naruto by Sakura's soft hand on his arm and her suggestion that they probably needed to make sure Naruto's errand wasn't important before Sasuke ridded the world of his stupidity forever.
Sasuke turned a glare on him that just about set the Dobe on fire. "Well?" He asked in a quiet, deadly voice.
"Um, Granny wants to see us ASAP...?"
After said dobe was yelled at for forgetting such an important message, and it was determined that Sasuke would have to carry the Baka since Sakura refused to heal him, they hurried to the Hokage tower.
Tsunade sat behind her desk looking grim. She eyed Naruto as Sasuke dropped him in a heap in the floor, but said nothing. Sasuke frowned. This must be serious then, he supposed.
"An Akatsuki member has come to Konoha seeking shelter," the Hokage began.
"What?!" Naruto exploded from his pile in the floor. "We can't offer an Akatsuki protection! Why on earth would they even think that?" Sasuke agreed with the Dobe. Sakura nodded as well, and Tsunade sighed.
"Under normal circumstances, there would hardly be any question in the matter, but she claims she has something we will want..."
"What is it?" Sakura asked softly.
"That's the thing. She refuses to divulge that information without Uchiha's presence, so-"
"So you decided to drag us out of bed at an ungodly hour by setting the Dobe on us to humor some criminal?" Sasuke deadpanned.
The Hokage glowered, but before she could say anything Naruto broke in. "I'm just weirded out by the fact that there's a girl in Akatsuki. Is she hot?"
"Baka!" Sakura roared. "You're supposed to be faithful to Hinata now!"
Naruto cowered and clung to Sasuke's leg. "Save me!" He squeaked.
Sasuke glared at him and "hned"; which translated to "get off of me moron or I'll kill you slowly".
"Bachan!" Naruto pleaded.
Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Focus. Shizune, have Kakashi bring in the woman."
The woman walked in in front of Sasuke's old sensei, her trademark cloak rustling. She had blue hair with a fake, paper flower stuck in it. Sasuke frowned at her with disgust. She had been one of the members of Itachi's organization. She'd lived with the man. How could she stand herself? She looked like it was easy for her, though, giving Sasuke an almost equal look of disdain. He resisted the urge to snarl.
"Now do you want to share your reason for believing we would offer you sanctuary?" Tsunade asked in clipped, measured words.
"Who is she?" The woman asked pointing to Sakura.
"She is the Uchiha matriarch," Sakura sniped.
"That is impossible. I am."
There was stunned silence all around the room.
Sasuke didn't look at Sakura. He had a feeling that she would hesitate to use his katana on him about as much as she had when she used it on Naruto this morning, and he was already freaked out enough.
"Really?" Tsunade asked the woman, not turning to look at him.
"Yes. I married Uchiha Itachi a year before he died," the woman stated cooly.
"And?"
"And, I carry his child."
Sasuke's world stopped spinning before going into hyperdrive. Colors began to swirl together until he only saw red. "Sasuke, stop!" Something soft and strong wrapped around his waste. He turned.
The red softened until he saw pink. "Sakura?"
"I can't let you kill your nephew or nice just because of who their parents were, Sasuke," she mumbled softly into his chest.
He growled. "We can just welcome them with open arms like-"
"I know. But we have to give them the benefit of the doubt, don't we?"
Sasuke didn't like it. But he went along with it for Sakura's sake. A few months later Naruto burst into their home again to announce the birth of the poor, brave child of Uchiha Itachi.
"Here," Sakura said, handing his nephew to him.
Sasuke frowned down at the child, and Itachi's face leered up at him. "...Sakura?"
"What, Sasuke?" she asked as she fixed a stupid bottle or something.
"Sakura," Sasuke snapped impatiently, "He has Itachi's head."
She sighed. "I know you think the kid's out to get you, but it's really quiet normal for kids to look like their parents, ya know."
Sasuke had seen things in the last few months that were not "normal" at all. Like Kakashi without his mask, or that Hokage's assistant being stone drunk all the time; the thing that took the cake though was that Nara kid running around in spandex while Bushy Brows hid from his sensei. (Well, aside from the afore mentioned new Uchiha matrons.) All these things though, Sakura and Naruto had brushed aside as quiet normal. Sasuke was standing his ground on this one though; Itachi's adult head attached to his infant son's body was NOT supposed to be normal. Ever.
"Sakura!" he hissed, "The kid's eerily repeating my name. Obviously, he has it out for me!"
"Stop being such a big baby, Sasuke; you're acting like Naruto."
Sasuke glared at her back, but it didn't seem to phase her. So he glanced back down at the monster in his arms to make sure he hadn't completely lost it, and made the mistake of looking in its eyes. He found himself trapped in the sharingan and the world began to whirl around him.
"You have a perverted mind, foolish little brother." Itachi spoke, in full body now as the genjutsu world he had entrapped Sasuke in melted away. He sighed. "This was really not the way it was supposed to go. You were supposed to have broke out of that and killed me already. Now I could keel over any at moment. What kind of a test is that?"
Sasuke analyzed his brother for a long, long moment. "Did you really marry and knock up that kunochi? Because I am NOT raising your brat."
"Of course not Sasuke. I'm sadistic, not masochistic. I thought that had already been established..."
"Just making sure that was all genjutsu; I don't want to have to spend my life cleaning up more of your mess than you."
After this little delay, the Uchiha brothers returned to trying to kill each other and declaring their hate for each other and all.
"You know," Sasuke remarked, "why did you have to put me in that genjutsu? Why couldn't you just pull my eye out or something? Now I'll have nightmares for months."
Itachi sighed. "It's your own fault, little brother, the jutsu answered your deepest wish at the moment. So when I keel over from boredom at your paltry attacks, you can go marry that pink haired girl of yours and revive the clan, or whatever you want to do."
"I can't now. Because whenever I'd hold my own kid I'd see you now." Sasuke shuddered.
"Obviously, you need to see a shrink first. You seem severely emotionally scared," Itachi replied.
"I'll think about it."
"Really?" Itachi looked hopeful.
"No. Disapear with the thunder!"