Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: Yeah, this takes place some time before L's death, and the Kira case itself. I think some time around when Matt's 14ish or 15. This does NOT really fit in with my other stories well... =/ But I have many different scenarios I think up to write about that don't fit, so w/e. Kthx.
"You what?" Matt processed the words slowly as Mello repeated them.
"I did."
He had. Mello had done it. Mello had given himself the mark? That horrible, deep-looking cut on his wrist.
"Oh, Mello. . ." Matt sat beside Mello on the edge of his bed, placing an arm around his friend. He didn't say anything else for a while, just nudged Mello's head until the younger boy rested it on his stripe-clad shoulder.
"I'm sorry." Mello whispered.
Matt felt more guilty than ever now. "No, Mello. Don't be sorry. . .just. . .don't. . .you don't need to."
Mello nodded. "I just. . ."
"It's OK, man." Matt tried to keep his voice steady. He adjusted the cigarette in his mouth. "You don't need to explain."
Mello looked a little confused and Matt wondered if perhaps he'd mistakenly given the impression he didn't care. "What I mean is," he continued carefully, "that I don't want you to feel like you have to give an explanation."
Mello nodded again. He was so quiet and. . .dependent. Not at all like the Mello Matt was used to seeing.
"You're OK now, that's what's important." he said firmly.
Another nod.
"When was this?"
A shrug.
Matt could remember a lot of awkward times they'd had together. Growing up side by side in the Wammy House, there'd been a lot of situations where Matt hadn't known how to react. But this was worse than all of them put together. He knew that the smallest thing he said could be what reassured Mello - or what made the cut deeper.
"Mello." he said tentatively. "What did you use?"
"Your razor."
Matt blinked. My razor? I didn't notice any blood... he must have washed it really well. Geez, he used my razor. "Mello, I don't know why you felt like you needed to. . .maybe I should, I don't know. Maybe you're mad at me for not knowing what's going on." Matt shrugged, feeling helpless. "If it's because of me, please tell me. Please."
Mello shook his head, hugging Matt, who paused, unsure what to do, or if he should continue.
"It's not you, Matt." Mello whispered into Matt's suede vest.
"OK." Matt locked his arms around the blonde, holding him closer. "And. . .I don't need to know what's going on, if you don't want me to."
"I do."
"OK. Take your time." Matt waited, holding his friend and wondering what on earth could have Mello so upset. He was usually so strong and assertive. Now here he was, almost crying as he leaned against Matt's chest, admitting to his best friend that he had let his emotions get the better of him.
Mello looked up, wiping his blonde bangs away from his sparkling blue eyes, wet with unshed tears. "It's just not fair." he managed before his voice began to waver.
Matt waited patiently.
"It's too much."
Another pause, then he continued.
"It's not fair that he. . .he does everything perfect."
Matt tried not to jump to conclusions, but his immediate thought was Near. He waited to see if he was right.
"He's so. . .good. He does it all better than me." Mello sounded like admitting this was the most painful experience of his life. Matt knew he was both priveleged and unfortunate to be hearing this confession. "And. . .and he doesn't even realize how bad he makes me look."
Matt shook his head, shoving his goggls up a little more as he moved Mello's head back against his chest. "I think you're right, Mello. He doesn't realize."
Mello was shaking slightly and Matt knew that the tears were fighting to escape now. Mello couldn't hold out much longer before he broke down.
"I think you need to talk to Near."
Mello said nothing, but Matt could see him struggling, fists clenched, as he tried to hold in his emotions.
"I know he doesn't mean to hurt you, or even to best you. He's only trying to do his best, for L." Matt said quietly. "We all do."
"But why bother when Near's the best?"
Matt sighed. "I don't know. I struggle with the same thing, believe it or not."
Mello seemed to find this mildly amusing and he looked back up, locking eyes with Matt. "Where's your scars, then, Matt?" he asked mockingly.
Matt paused, staring back at him. "All over my soul, Mello."
"L thinks Near's the best too. Why not just give up now and let Near be his succesor? I can always work at McDonalds." Mello laughed bitterly and Matt even smiled a tiny bit.
"Not if you kill yourself." he murmured.
Mello considered that for a few seconds. "I wasn't going to. . .to kill myself, Matt. I just. . .it felt like if I could get rid of some of my blood. . ."
"The pain would leave too?" Matt supplied. Mello nodded, his blonde hair bouncing slightly. "It might feel like it helps for a while. But there are better, healthier ways to deal with it." Matt went on. Mello sighed. "Yeah, I know. Stop sounding like our psychiatrist."
Matt finally released the quickly-calming Mello from their embrace.
Mello stood. "Thanks for talking, Matt."
"Sure."
As Mello headed for the door, Matt spoke up again. "Mello?"
The blonde turned slowly to face him again.
"Promise me you won't let it happen again."
Hesitation.
"Swear to me."
Their eyes locked. "I swear."
-waves Matt's goggles in face- Review? :o