A little time
By Kimetara
One-shot
Disclaimer: FFVII isn't owned by me.
So...we saved the world. Yay.
I guess I ought to be more enthusiastic. But that's for later.
I'm alone right now. I don't need to be enthusiastic.
I don't know when I started acting so much for my friends. At the beginning, I wanted everyone to be happy. I tried to make them happy. And I figured the best way was to be happy myself. Seeing somebody else cheerful is always cheering, isn't it?
Now...it's automatic. No matter what my mood is when I first see my friends, the minute I notice them a smile is on my face. I don't think it's fake – being around them makes me genuinely happy. But sometimes I think that other emotions besides my optimism should show. They never do though.
I could show when I'm depressed. When I'm tired, when I feel like just collapsing. I'd have to force myself to though, I'm so used to hiding it. But I would never make it obvious that I'm suffering...there's enough of it already. And although it's silly, I feel as if I'm being weak when I'm not being happy. Being happy for them. For him.
For him. It all comes back to him. I wish my world didn't revolve around him so much.
But that's how it is, I guess. I can't help myself, he's what keeps me going.
When he was gone...lost...I couldn't keep it up anymore. It was all too much. Saving the world, losing my best friend...my love, being overlooked and unappreciated...I know it's selfish to want attention for my effort to stay happy. But it's hard, it's hard to act happy for others. It's hard to give and give, and get little in return. I should be glad that I can do this task for my friends. And I am glad that I can keep this optimistic outlook going as long as he's there. But sometimes, I just feel so tired...
She wouldn't feel tired. She'd be content to give and get nothing in return. But frankly, she doesn't have the gift. I don't know why. She was kind, beautiful, and friendly. She didn't judge, and you couldn't help but like her. But you couldn't tell her about your problems. You couldn't go to her for cheering up. You couldn't talk to her like my friends talk to me.
I think it's because she was so...so pure. And naïve. To tell her about a trouble would be like telling a child. They'd listen, but then you'd feel badly about burdening them. And...she just couldn't understand. Not really. Even with all she'd been through, she simply hadn't felt enough.
Sure, she lost her mother when she was young, but she could still talk to her through the Planet. And she even had another kind women take her in. It was more like she had one and a half mothers. Isn't that a silly thought?
She didn't remember her father at all. The Turks, although constantly chasing her, never hurt her or anybody she loved. Aeris always knew she was important, she held value.
The closest thing to sorrow she felt was when Zack disappeared. And that...it just isn't really enough. Not for everything the rest of us have gone through.
And...Aeris...she was the real optimist. Everything would always turn out right in her point of view. But when you're talking about something that causes you pain, you don't really want to hear about how it'll all turn out right in the end. You aren't really thinking about the end. You're hurting about now.
So they talk to me. And I'm quiet, and I listen, and I understand. And I take their burdens plus my own.
There's nobody I can go to though. So I put on my cheerful façade around everybody else, and I deal with my emotions alone.
But I think I'm slipping. I think they can see now. They don't notice it much yet – just a vague feeling – because they're so used to me being happy. But lately I've been feeling more and more tired, and I think I'm slipping.
I don't know whether I'm happy or sad. It really doesn't matter. You see – and here's the kicker – no matter whether they see or not, they won't notice it. How can I tell? I've slipped before, intentionally. I know they saw. But they just ignored it. I guess they didn't know how to handle it, so they just stayed quiet and waited for my mood to pass away.
Of course he didn't notice at all. He stayed oblivious.
You know, I'm not surprised at the outcome of our relationship. Even though I love him, I always knew, deep down, it wouldn't work out. It never does. The only thing guys have ever brought me is pain.
I'm such a cynic. But they don't know that.
Well...maybe, except for Vincent. I'm not sure about him. He's so withdrawn, you tend to assume he doesn't notice anything that doesn't effect him directly. But I know that Vincent is actually very perceptive. Just from little things. Little comments. But it's enough.
I don't know how much Vincent sees. Again though, it doesn't matter. Vincent is Vincent, and if he does realize how tired and worn I truly am, he'll keep it to himself. He keeps everything to himself. He is the only one that never tells me what troubles them.
At first it bothered me, as if he didn't trust me. But now I've come to realize that's simply how he is, and I've accepted it. I still try though. I don't know why. With all that's happened, I probably could have placed the effort I used on Vincent in another area to reap better results, but that's just how it goes. At any rate, it's too late now.
I'm tired. Maybe I'll just slip away, before all the celebrations... Ironic, isn't it? You'd think it'd be Cloud, or Vincent, or even Yuffie that would leave without telling. How funny, that it would be me. Me, there from the very beginning to the end, leaving before the fun starts.
But I don't want fun. I don't want to keep this façade up any longer. I don't want to pretend I'm happy, and I don't want to bring everybody else down when I show I'm sad.
I just want to rest.
I want to run away from this. Run away. Don't face them. Not anymore. They're my friends, and I love them dearly, but slowly, slowly, they've been sapping my strength. And they'll sap it still more...
I just need a little time! A little time, to recover and rest. That's all.
A little time...
I remember the last time I said those words. When Cloud asked me about his past.
"Give me a little more time..."
I still wonder what would have happened if I'd told him about his past. He wouldn't have had to find out from Sephiroth, in such a horrible way. But then...
He seemed so lost when he found the truth. So broken. What if I had told him earlier, and he abandoned the quest?
Does it really matter? It's too late for what ifs now.
Should I leave? Everybody's exhausted. Nobody will see me going. I can slip away... I'll come back. I promise.
Just give me a little time...a little time to myself. Time that I spend lavishly on my own, without having to be concerned about anybody else's desires. Please...I need to be self-indulgent this once. This once!
...I know what I need...and I'll take my chance.
Tifa sat up in the darkness. Cloud lay next to her, his chest gently rising and falling. She looked at him, and the familiar longing panged her heart, but it was overridden this time by a need to disappear.
Silently, she crept towards the Chocobo stable. She felt slightly guilty about taking it, but she'd only ride it to the ranch. There, she'd breed her own gold Chocobo and be on her way.
She passed Barret, snoring loudly. On her way to where? Who knew.
Cid mumbled in his sleep on the pilot's chair. She'd go anywhere. Anywhere, as long as she could have time.
Nanaki's tail flame flickered in the darkness, providing a slight light for her way. It shone gently on Cait Sith's furry body, currently in 'off' mode. Maybe she'd go to...the Northern continent? She'd definitely be able to live alone there. Just like the Chocobo guru. Tifa's lips tugged upwards at the thought.
Almost there... Yuffie stirred in her sleep, but Tifa continued onward, knowing that Barret's snores and Cid's muttering would mask her sounds. Besides, the tension that would be in the air if she stopped would be easier sensed by the small ninja.
Ah, Wutai...maybe she'd go hide down in the Mime cave for a bit. Or that little island where Cloud had found the Knights of the Round – it was really sheer luck they had come across it at all.
Tifa entered the stable and gently took hold of the Chocobo's reins. It uttered a sleepy 'wark.'
"Shhh," she soothed gently, stroking its downy neck feathers. The Chocobo obligingly stayed quiet, being one of the more well-tempered of its kind.
Tifa turned around...and met Vincent's blood-red gaze in the doorway. She didn't freeze, or gasp, or appear even slightly startled. Instead, she just nodded calmly and walked past him, leading the gold bird. Vincent quietly shifted out of the way.
Maybe she'd go to the Waterfall Cave...maybe not. The idea of sharing residence with a possible ghost caused a shiver to run down her back.
As she saddled the Chocobo on the ground, the Highwind behind her back, she decided she'd head to the Knights of the Round isle first. From there...who knew?
The cool morning air swirled around her, and Tifa breathed its pureness deeply. The horizon was beginning to show the first slight tints of orange against the gray sky. Finally, she felt...free.
Free of her responsibilities, her cares, her love.
She'd come back to them, soon. But for now...
Tifa rode into the new day, not thinking beyond the exhilarating feel of the wind in her hair.
AN: Don't we all want to do that one day? Just leave all the pressures of the world behind. *sigh* I wish I could right now...
Anyway! This is an old one-shot that I never finished. Lately my attention has turned towards different categories than FFVII, but as I was browsing my files I found this and decided to wrap it up and send it out. Reviews are greatly appreciated!