As I started my walk home from school I put my headphones on, hoping to avoid the words of my fellow schoolmates. As I walked I found myself wishing that maybe just maybe today would be the day that the boys wouldn't bother me. I continued to walk and soon felt the presence of a group of people around me.
"Hey where's your boyfriend Queer?" One of the boys, Jake, pushed me as he talked. I recovered from the push and continued to walk, not looking or paying attention to them at all. I felt arms grab the top of my arm, squeezing. I knew what was coming next and I started to brace myself. No matter how many times and how many days this happened I found myself wishing, dreaming and hoping for a different life. A life where I had friends, I wasn't hated and a life where I wasn't beat up everyday. But as the boy's grip grew tighter I knew that would never happen and let my dream slip away.
"Answer him when he talks to you fag." Another one of the boys pushed me into the near by fence. The insults started to fly and shortly after so did the punches and kicks. I bit my lip to avoid screaming in pain as the group of boys started to beat me. Always avoiding my face where bruises would be shown and questions would be asked. I forced my mind to think elsewhere, not giving the boys the satisfaction of screaming. The beating finally ended and the group left me alone, wheezing in pain. Each breath wracked my body with pain and I blinked back tears. People passed by looking at me in disgust as I lied on the ground, the queer from their school, they were used to it by now. As was I. I was used to the insults, the hatred and the disgust from majority of my school. I lied on the ground until I was able to breathe without feeling like I was going cough up any blood. I stood on shaky legs and started to make my way to the safety of my home, where no one would bother me and I could escape into my own world. It was shocking how used to walking home in pain I was and quite frankly I was scared about how familiar I was with the pain. I continued to make my way home as fast as I could trying hard to ignore the pain flaring in my ribs. Each step ignited a new fire in my stomach igniting the adrenaline in my system making each nerve tingle with the new sensation. The pain slowly started to ease away as the adrenaline kicked in, making it easier to walk faster and in turn get home to my safe house. Finally my house came into view and I felt the relief in my heart, I was almost home where I could be alone. My hand shook as I fiddled with my house keys, finally the door clicked open and I entered into my house. I let my backpack hit the ground and slipped my shoes off slowly.
"Hello?" I called out, knowing that no one was home so I wouldn't get a reply. No one ever came home until late at night, both of my parents were devoted to their work and really didn't care about my life. I sighed as I started to make my way up the stairs to my room. Blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall, I opened my door and grabbed my computer before collapsing on the bed. I curled into a ball, my hand draped across my stomach to keep the pain to a minimum. In the solitude of my room I finally allowed myself to break down and slip into my normal routine. I let all the tears fall down my face in hot, angry, fat tears as I let go off all the pain I had been holding in all day. I let myself cry until there were no more tears to fall and then I opened my computer, seeing the familiar screen of YouTube pop up. I typed in the familiar name and very a soothing calm washed over me as his face appeared on my screen. His blue eyes and long black hair was a comfort to me as I listened to his stories of the days he had, watched his weird videos and all in all felt a connection I hadn't felt with anyone ever. The only problem was that we hadn't actually met in person. I mean over the past couple months I had been commenting on all his videos, tweeting him and making slightly stalkerish actions toward him, but it was one of the only ways that I found my life slightly bearable.
After I finished watching his new video, I logged on to facebook. It was part of my routine, but every night I regretted it. As soon as I logged on the 24 new notifications caught my eye. I clicked on it, regretting my decision almost instantly. All 24 notifications were from the group of bullies posting insults about me and my sexuality. You see what they were calling me, fag and queer and fairy, wouldn't bother me or hurt me if it wasn't true. I am bisexual in an extremely homophobic town and everyday I felt the consequences of liking both genders. With the new material in my mind I grabbed the razor in my nightstand drawer. It was cold in my hand as I looked at it. Sighing I lifted the sleeve of my shirt and placed the razor to my wrist, next to all the other scars and cuts that were still marked on it. I never liked doing this but sometimes it all got too much for me to handle so I had too. Sure I was used to the beating but that doesn't mean I could handle them. I was about to put pressure on the razor to make my first cut when my phone buzzed beside me. I placed the razor down and picked up my phone, perplexed as to who would be texting me of all people. I unlocked the screen just to discover that it was a tweet from my favourite youtuber, or better known as AmazingPhil.
" AmazingPhil: danisnotonfire I missed your comment on my video today! Letting me down!"
I laughed slightly, the sound strange to my ear and quickly opened YouTube back up. Opening up Phil's new video, I quickly typed a new comment.
"Danisnotonfire: Dear Phil, what an amazing video like always you sexy man."
I chuckled again slightly as I pressed the okay button, sending the comment into space. As I thought to myself how strange it was to be laughing again all because of one guy from over the internet, who I have never met in person or had a real conversation with, I felt slightly comforted. This guy had no clue about me or my life or what people thought of me. It was a clean slate to a guy who I'd probably never meet and that made me feel immensely happy, leaving the razor to go back into the drawer forgotten about until another day.