TITLE - "Renaissance"
SUMMARY - "What is past is only prologue....your new life begins today." S/V angst/romance - S2 AU - epilogue to the Penance Trilogy - "Catharsis", "Evolution" and "Renewal".
RATING - PG-13
SHIP - S/V [duh. :D ;)]
DISCLAIMER - I don't own the show, and I don't own the characters. So please don't hurt me. I also don't own the lyric of "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls that I used [ *thumbs up* to the person who can find it...:D ;) ]
DEDICATION - To my reviewers. You guys inspired me to write this entire thing - honestly, without you to help me along and beg for new chapters, I'd still be stuck back on the third part of "Catharsis". So, may God bless you all, and THANK YOU so much. *hugs*

Renaissance
What Is Past Is Prologue

You can barely breathe [there's so much blood]

You're drowning in an ocean, not of water but of blood and guilt and sin and it's dark red, [almost the red of cherries eaten in a hammock with a man you killed] but not quite that red, the rich red colour that only human blood possesses. It clings to you in thick strings, covering your body, your skin, until you are coated in it....it sticks to you like glue, covers your mouth, your nose [can'tbreathecan'tbreathesomeonesavemefromthisplace]

There are soft voices whispering in your ear....[You killed me, you killed me, my blood is on your hands, black widow, black widow, black widow spider eats her lovers...you killed me, Sydney...]

You're drowning in an ocean of blood, and when you wake up [sweating, screaming, crying, unable to sleep] you see blood on your hands.

* * *

After Danny was killed [you think one day that your life is near perfect..] you took long showers, hot enough to scald your skin in the hope that maybe, just maybe, they would cause you pain, cause you enough pain that maybe you'd be able to feel something again, because right then all you were was numb.

All you wanted was revenge on those who had hurt you [those with even more blood on their hands than you], revenge as a form of penance for your sins [in the desperate hope that maybe you'd be able to look at your hands one day and not see red], and then you wanted to die [a quiet death, forgotten by the world]

You lied to everyone [even them] and you tried to breathe, and you lived each day wondering if you could die tomorrow [wanting to die tomorrow] because you had nothing to live for.

One night you broke down on a little pier, and you began to cry, and you wished he would hold you [holdmeplease] because you wanted to feel the touch of someone else's skin against you....you wanted to know that you weren't a ghost in a world full of the living....you wanted to know that something in your life was real, tangible.

He touched your hand, and he told you that you always had his number [when you're at your lowest...], and breathing became easier for a little while, because someone cared about you, even though they knew the truth about you, knew about the blood on your hands, knew the most intimate details of your sins and still cared.

Yes, he cared. [my guardian angel]

You knew you would ruin his life [he cares too much] but you didn't care because you needed to breathe and he gave you a few moments of release because you knew he saw your guilt and cared anyway.

You knew you would kill him in the end, but you weren't strong enough to push him away [how does the drowning man give up a lifejacket?]

* * *

One night you cried in his arms [for the lies/and the little girl you were/and the little boy he was] and he cried in yours [for the father he barely knew/and for you, trying to deal with the knowledge that your mother was a killer] and you needed him, and you wanted him [wanted something real/needed something to make you feel again, because you were numb from all the pain] and so did he [you looked into his eyes and saw the pain and the love in your own] and so you used him to get rid of your pain [it was everything and it was nothing and it was strong and it was sweet and you needed it so much and before you know it you're up against a chain-link fence and ohgodineedthisnowplease]

You walked out of the warehouse without saying a word, the bleeding [yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive] marks where the wire [harderVaughnineedtohurtneedtofeelsomethingagain] had dug into your back hidden under your clothes [your scars are always hidden beneath masks and disguises, aren't they?]

You're sorry [because you used him and you'll only end up hurting him and he deserves better] but you're not because it felt so right, so good to feel something again [forbidden sins/this shouldn't be wrong but it is but it's not and it is and it's not and you needed him so much, needed to feel something again so badly]

You used him because you needed him, and he was there and because you couldn't fight it anymore and because you needed to let go so badly and because you weren't strong enough anymore, and because you desperately wanted to be able to breathe again, even for a little while.

You needed him, and you wanted him, and it was release for both of you.


* * *

A few days later, you met in the bloodmobile [you have more blood on your hands] and he gives you an icepack to soothe your bruised and battered hands [you just wanted to feel something again...the pain lets you know you're still alive...] and then he kissed you roughly [to let you know that he won't be driven from your side by all the Noahs in the world] and you were up against a wall, and you knew then that if the first time was all about your guilt and pain and need then this time it would be about his anger and hurt about being used and thrown away [he knows you slept with Noah, even if you didn't tell him, because your eyes are his eyes reflected and he can see your guilt] and his hands were under your shirt and he was touching you everywhere and you wanted him [needed him] so badly and then he pulled away and whispered in your ear ["I want to hear you say my name. Mine. Not Danny's. Not Noah's. Let me know that you want me here, not your dead lovers. This is not about your ghosts, Sydney. This is about me, and this is about you."] and he traced your chin and your neck with one delicate finger until you couldn't bear his touch any longer and said his name and told him what you wanted ["Vaughn." "What do you want, Sydney?" "I want you."] and then he kissed you and it was rough and it was hard and it was unforgiving and it gave you a few moments of freedom from the pain and the lies and when you looked at your hands [wrapped firmly around his neck, never letting go] you didn't see red.

You didn't speak after you both finished. You had said all that needed to be said, purged all that needed to be purged.

You were forever locked in his orbit from that moment, and he in yours.

It was then that you realised that maybe you weren't just pushing him away for his sake, but for yours as well. You didn't need another grave to visit, didn't need more blood on your hands.

But you couldn't fight it anymore. And so, when you were with him, you didn't fight, but instead purged your emotions [purged the hate/darkness/guilt/blood/hurt/pain/suffering/anger] so you could breathe again and keep on living the lie without screaming every time you looked at the mirror.

[catharsis: purgation]

* * *

He walked into the warehouse [homeplacewhereheis] one day and it was like talking to a stranger.

Vaughn [guardianangelloverfriendconfidanteally] replaced with Agent Vaughn [coldseriousprofessional].

He finishes up the meeting quickly and doesn't look at you as you leave.

You confront him outside the warehouse, and he admits to you that he knows that the voices are right....that he is too attached to you. ["For a long time…people have been telling me I'm too attached to you. Too emotionally involved. In Denpasar…when I saw you fighting Sark …I knew they were right."]

He told you that when you entered his life, he knew that you were everything he'd ever wanted, and everything he could never have.

["She's sitting there, writing furiously. She's like no one I've ever met before. I'm both fascinated and a little scared by her. She's experienced so much pain, so much death and grief, and is still hard as nails. She's beautiful, even with the tears and the hair, and she's tough and she's.....she captivates me. Do you know what it's like to want someone more than life itself? To spend every waking moment wishing that you were with them? They say that sometimes you have moments of absolute clarity in your life. At that moment, the very first moment I met her, I knew she was everything I wanted, and everything that I was forbidden to have.][i]

It was at that moment that you knew that you were playing with fire, but you were so captivated by the flames, so unafraid of getting burnt, you simply ignored the heat. Your mind screamed [[i]this is dangerous...this is wrong...you cannot be doing this, cannot be hearing these words, cannot be saying what you want to say in return] but your heart only asked him ["Do you honestly believe that what we did is wrong?"]

It was wrong and it was right and it was everything you should never do again but everything you should be free to do forever....

He told you he was falling in love with you.

This time it was slow but desperate and about truth and breathing and the importance of having an ally in this sick and twisted world when you're all alone and it was about growth and it was about pain and it was about love and it was bittersweet and it was about being trapped in a prison of your own making and wanting to be free to grow and trying to break down the prison bars.

And as you collapsed, spent, on his shoulder, you half-whispered, half-sobbed "I'm sorry."

You were sorry because you knew you would only hurt him and bring him pain and tears and you'd ruined his life, and he'd sacrificed so much and if your parents had never met, you'd never have been born but your mother would never have killed his father and you've made him lie to his friends, and you've just pulled him into the prison you're trying to escape from and you've wrecked his life and in the end all you would do would hurt him [or kill him].

Before you left the warehouse, you told him that you were falling in love with him as well.

* * *

You thought that you had killed him. [you watched him die.]

Killed him like all the rest.

[You had studied the black widow spider once for a science project. You remember being fascinated by her. She kills all that she loves. Her kiss is death.]

You thought that you were the black widow spider. [You sealed Danny's fate with a kiss and whispered truths in a shower. You killed Noah when you drove him into undercover ops because he couldn't deal the weakness loving you brought him. You killed Vaughn because you weren't strong enough to push him away.]

You watched his death [over and over again, trapped inside your memory of him running, running, running and then being caught by the water, shoved up against the door...dead.], until you're almost drowning and you're almost dead and you're almost numb and you're hovering in between, with nothingness [peace? or just the dark?] on one side and overwhelming emotion [an ocean so deep it might wash the blood away] on the other.

And you were faced with a choice [surrender to the dark or take a chance in the sea] and you chose to swim, because maybe, just maybe you could drown yourself so deep in emotion that either you'll feel something again or you'll just be released from the slow motion replay of his death running inside your head.

And you were crying, as the emotions [lovehateguiltneedfearwantpainpleasurehurtcomfort] overwhelmed you and you were in free fall, because he was the only thing holding you together, the only person who was free of lies, the eye of the storm where everything is calm, and he was gone and everything was coming undone...

He loved you, you thought to yourself bitterly. He loved you and you killed him like all the rest. He was your guardian angel, but at the end of the day, when night came, it was the angel that fell.

* * *

A few days later you held a gun to your head, and wondered if anyone would care if you pulled the trigger.
But when you started to squeeze the trigger, he wouldn't let you.

* * *
When you saved him in France you saved yourself as well.

He told you that you weren't responsible for his actions, that if he had died he would have died of his own free will, because of the choices he had made. And so, slowly, you began to begin to believe that, and the blood stains started to disappear.

[evolution: growth]

* * *

It was then that you knew that he was your salvation, and you were his.

He pulled you out of the darkness, and into the light [he made the stains begin to go away].

He gave you something to fight for, and he gave you something to live for.

So you fought, and you lived day in and day out [living/lying/breathing] and then one day you didn't have to lie anymore.

You were free.

[renewal: awakening]

* * *

People used to tell you that love conquers all. Home is where the heart is. That the most important thing was "just to love and be loved in return."

You thought that they were nice platitudes, but ultimately empty words. [How does love conquer a bullet? How is home supposed to be where the heart is? Home is a place where you live. And how can it be the most important thing in the world? Surely being a good person, doing good things, not hurting others...surely these things are more important.]

You understand these words now.

Love conquered a bullet. [you began to squeeze the trigger but he wouldn't let you]

Love stopped you from killing yourself.

Home was a dingy warehouse, because that's where he was, and he was your heart.

And through it all [the lies the pain the hurt the darkness] the only thing that mattered was him, his love for you and your love for him [light at the end of the tunnel]

And now, all that is past is prologue, and the darkness doesn't bother you anymore.

You can breathe again. You can live again. You can love again.

Not because you have your life back, but because you have a new life, and it's free of the lies that kept you captive all these years.

Yes, what is past is only prologue.

Your new life begins today.

You're wearing a flowing white dress [simple but pretty], and your father stands beside you [I love you, sweetheart. Don't ever doubt that again.], and you can see your guardian angel at the altar.

By the end of this day, you will have a new name [Mrs. Sydney Vaughn] and a new home [it's not huge, just a house with a big lawn near the beach...lots of room for children] and for the first time in your life, everything around you will be free of lies. ["your resignations take effect the day before your wedding...and congratulations"....for the first time in your life, Kendall actually smiled.]

You're finally stepping out of the cage that you've lived in for so many years, finally stepping out of the darkness and into the light.

What is past is prologue, never to be forgotten [it was your choices in life that brought you together, and for that maybe it was worth all the pain] but never to be relived.

Your new life begins today.

[renaissance: new life]