Disclaimer: The Animorphs belong the K. A Applegate, and the manual idea belongs to Possesed-Gummy-Bear-Inferno, who wrote the Matrix Manual. It is used with her permission, as long as I give her a cookie. (Gives whole batch of cookie)

The Owner's Guide to Jake

A Manual

Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of Jake Berenson, the fearless leader of the Animorphs. To get the maximum enjoyment from your Jake, please read all of these instruction thoroughly before opening.

What have I ordered?

You have ordered the leader of earth's only resistance. He comes complete with ALL of the following:

- All morphs shown in the commercial. For a full list, please visit the Jake Berenson website.

- Strong sense of responsibility.

- A box of chill-out-dude tablets (See below)

- The Escafil Device.

- A tacky blue cycling outfit.

Any attempt to take either the first or second item will result in the destruction of your Jake. Any attempt to take the fourth item will most probably result in the destruction of you.

Note: Please remove any bug zappers, roach motels, and fly swatter from the premises prior to opening your Jake.

How to Assemble

Your Jake will arrive inside of a sturdy wooden crate, which opening will require the use of any of the following

1. A Crowbar

2. A Hammer

3. Impressive Kung-Fu skills.

Open slowly, so that your Jake does not enter Red Alert mode. After releasing your Jake, stand back and let him climb out on his own. You will need to immediately connect him to his sense of responsibility, or he will suffer a mental breakdown.

Help! My Jake is in Red Alert Mode!

If you opened the box too quickly, and your Jake leapt out with his hands balled into fist, he is in Red Alert mode. Don't panic. This is just his natural reaction to his new environment. Stand extremely still, and give Jake time to realize that you are not a threat. If he does not un-ball his fists after three minutes, and you are within five feet of your telephone, please call Tech Support at 1-800-RED-ALERT. Move very, very slowly.

If you are not within five feet of your telephone, well, let's hope that you opened the box with option number three, and can deal with Jake in the same way. If not, please note that we are not responsible in any way for any injuries and/or Medical/Funeral bills.

Help! My Jake is suffering a mental breakdown!

If you did not connect you Jake's sense of responsibility fast enough, he may begin to show signs of a mental breakdown. Quickly administer two of your chill-out-dude tablets, and connect the sense of responsibility within the next hour. If you do not, we are not responsible for any therapy you or your Jake may need.

After Assembling

Once he is comfortable in your home, and he has his sense of responsibility firmly connected, he will want to explore his new environment. escort him through the house, and state clearly and firmly which room belongs to him. If you do not, he will claim any room as his, and you may find your living room strewn with various socks, books, and toys.

Added Info

Jake will get extreme displeasure from eating anything that vaguely resembles any member of the vegetable family. Jake requires these for his continued functionality, and you must force him to eat these. We recommend cooking these yourself so that you can shoot him sad looks across the table. This will usually guilt him into forcing down a good helping of them. You may also attempt the usual ploys of disguising them as other foods, or mixing them into something that he enjoys. If all else fails, we recommend purchasing a Jean Berenson character, also available from us.

What does Jake like to do?

Jake doesn't like to do much, so you should allow him to do what he does like as much as possible. So if you notice him sneaking out in the middle of the night to, please the look the other way. He thinks that he is saving the world (If you or any of your neighbors purchased a Visser 3, Visser 1, or Controller character, this very well may be the case.). And if you happen to walk in on him morphing, leave quietly and pretend like nothing ever happened.

If you form a deep bond with you Jake, he may offer to let you touch the blue box and join him in his fight against the yeerks. Turning down this offer is not recommended. Touch the box (It's just a plastic box, we have no idea how to manufacture a true escafil device.), and pretend like you felt a tingle. From then on, He will wake you in the middle of the night and sneak you out of the house, even if you two are the only residents. You will then run around town wearing spandex and do insane things and get funny looks from people. Jake is not recommended for people over the age of 60, but is highly recommended for extreme sports loving people. Do not jump off of roofs and try to morph to a bird on the way down, no matter how much your Jake asks you. You will not be able to morph, and you will crash into the ground. If you ignore this advice we are in no way responsible for the death that will ensue.

How to Maintain your Jake

Jake is a very easy to maintain. Just make sure he eats his vegetables, and limit the number of insane stunts to five per night. Do not make overly angry, or a vein will pop out his temple, and he will talk in a soft, silky voice. If this event occurs, apologize and leave Jake alone for a few hours. If he is really angry, give him a few chill-out-dude tablets. If he is extremely angry and his face is red, let him skip his vegetables at dinner. He will make up immediately.

Note: You may also administer chill-out-dude tablets when Jake is becoming annoying responsible.

In Conclusion

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most responsible) member of your family. If Jake requires a friend, please consider the following:

-Marco

-Tobias

-Erek

Visser 3, Visser 1, and Cryak are not recommended.

If your household is seriously lacking in romance and conflict, feel free to add Cassie, Allison the airhead, and Ronnie Chambers to your family. Your house will be home to an action packed soap opera in no time.

Thank you for reading the manual, and please click the review button below to contact us. And please give Possesed-Gummy-Bear-Inferno a cookie.