Shane never thought that it would be his fault that Laurie was dead. He had toyed with the possibility that he might kill Rick, his best friend, his brother. But never Laurie. The thought had never even entered his mind. Sure, he knew that it was quite possible that Laurie would die. He didn't believe that Rick could protect her and sooner or later he might get her killed, but he knew if and when the time came, he would go after Rick, screaming obscenities and 'I told you so's' and punching the life out of him. Laurie would be gone, but he would go on, surviving on the confusing mess of love and hate he would have towards Rick.
It started with a simple request. Carl wanted Shane to help him pick out some good branches from the woods at the back of the farm. He wanted to make a mobile for his new baby brother or sister. He had even got the okay from Rick and Laurie to go out with Carl for a few hours. It was low risk. If any walkers showed up, Shane would be able to protect them. It was supposed to be that simple. But nothing in that new, hellish world were ever simple.
In the days and weeks and months that follow, Shane can't help but asking himself why he just didn't ignore Andrea's advances and her suggestion that Carl could wait a little longer. He didn't think, as he was banging her behind the barn, that Carl would wander off into the woods by himself when he got tired of waiting. Shane hadn't realized how strong Carl's streak of independence had become. He realized eventually, when it was all too late.
When he goes to the house to retrieve Carl and asks his mother where the boy is, Laurie is confused, at first, but a split second later she is super pissed and incredibly worried and for a second Shane thinks she might hit him. She can already sense that something is wrong.
"He's supposed to be with you, in the woods" Laurie says, panic taking over her voice. Her husband is in town on a run with Glenn and she wishes Rick would get the hell back already.
"I had something to take care of first. I sent him back up here" Shane says, and he sounds like he's defending himself. The panic is coming off of the slender woman in waves that are almost palpable and Shane, too, can tell that something is terribly wrong.
"Shane, he isn't here!" Laurie yells before she tears out of the house, calling for her son and nearly tripping over her own feet as she flies down the porch steps.
Everyone searches the farm, but Carl is nowhere to be seen. They end up back in the front yard, the whole gang searching each others faces, all hoping someone had located the boy, but everyone is shaking their heads 'no'.
Laurie braces her hands on her knees. She feels like the wind has been knocked out of her. Her head shoots up, fast, and she takes off running towards the tree line.
"The woods" Shane pants before he takes off at full speed behind her. He can see Laurie is almost at the trees and she soon disappears between the dense trunks.
He hears Laurie screaming before he can see her again. He tears through the trees not giving a damn about the branches cutting into his skin or the mud his boots nearly get stuck in.
Seconds later, the scene he is thrown into makes him nearly throw up.
Laurie is cradling Carl's lifeless body, sobbing so hard she can barely breathe. The boy's small frame is covered in so much blood that Shane can't understand how it all came out of him. He can see that the gash on Carl's neck is still bleeding and the sticky blood is all over Laurie's arms and her face and her shirt.
Theres a walker laying face down right beside them, a tree branch sticking out from the base of its skull. Laurie doesn't even feel the splinters in her hands from the force of stabbing through the dead brain and bone.
Shane rushes to them, desperately wanting to believe that Carl is okay, that he can cheat death again, but the boy's eyes are wide open, lifeless, and Shane can see the blood coming out of the boy's neck is no longer pulsating.
Shane feels his vision begin to blur, not believing that what he is seeing is real.
When Laurie screams, a shrill, heart stopping scream, it takes Shane a second to realize that she isn't screaming out of grief. There is wide gash on her arm, and the walker he presumed was dead is gnawing on her pale skin.
Shane tears the walker off of Laurie and shoves the branch deeper into the base of the its skull before pulling out his knife and stabbing it, for good measure.
He's trying to stop the bleeding, but Laurie's arm is so torn up and bloody that he can't even see where it's coming from. He hears the others yelling for him and soon they are surrounding him a Laurie and Carl and for a second nobody knows what to do.
Herschel tears off his shirt and is wrapping it as best he can around Laurie's arm but its immediately covered in her blood.
"We need to get her back to the house, I need to stop the bleeding" he says as firmly as he can to Shane. He can see the panic in Shane's eyes and he feels the younger man's hands shanking under his as they both try to keep pressure on her mangled arm.
"How is the boy?" Herschel asks Andrea. The blond woman looks up and closes her eyes tightly and shakes her head.
"He's gone" She says solemnly.
Shane scoops Laurie up his his arms and runs with Herschel right beside him, hands still wrapped tightly around her arm.
They can't get Laurie back in time. Herschel tries to sew up the wounds, but everybody knows that even if they can stop the bleeding, the fever will soon take her and she will turn.
Laurie bleeds out only minutes later, her body lifeless on the dining room table. Nobody realizes at first why Herschel picks up a scalpel until he is cutting into her belly, quickly and efficiently with no regard to her body.
They try desperately to save the baby, but Herschel can't get the tiny girl to breathe. He wraps her fragile and lifeless body delicately in a towel and places her on Laurie's chest. He does his best to cover Laurie's body as well and its hard to see through the unshed tears in his eyes.
Daryl had laid Carl on the couch after carrying his body back from the woods. Had there not been so much blood, the boy would have looked like he was sleeping.
Nobody moves for a few long minutes. They had just lost three lives in mere minutes and nobody knows what to do next.
"Laurie?" Rick calls out. When he walks into the dinning room and sees his children and wife, he stares, unbelieving and too many pairs of eyes are staring at him, none of them knowing what to so. After all that they have seen, nobody ever imagined anything so horrible as the look on Rick Grimes's face at that moment.
When he collapses, it's Daryl, not his best fried and partner, who catches him.
When the others remember the day's events, it isn't all of the blood or the underdeveloped baby or Laurie's wide open eyes that they remember. It's the desperate and primal screams and sobs that come from Rick.
Daryl helps the other man to stand and he can feel that Rick is shaking so bad that he isn't quite sure if he's going to make it two steps without collapsing again.
Everyone looks to Shane because they can't stand to look at Rick or at Carl or at the baby and Shane should be doing something, anything. But Shane is staring at Laurie, mouth slightly open and eyes unblinking. He can't do anything because what's happening...just can't be happening.
Rick stumbles over to his dead wife and unborn child, and his shaking hands ghost over their faces.
After a few agonizing minutes, Herschel pulls Rick away, whispering words meant to be soothing but only make Rick's body shake more. Herschel guides Rick to Shane and all but shoves him into his arms.
"Get him the hell out of here. I need to take care of them" Herschel whispers harshly to Shane. The old man needs to make sure they stay dead. All of them. Even the tiny baby girl.
That horrible thought snaps Shane out of his trance and he drags his friend outside and down the stairs and out into the yard. He doesn't really know where they are going, but Rick is stumbling and sobbing and shaking and Shane keeps pulling him up away from the bloody mess and the images that he will never get out of his mind.
They collapse not far from the porch, Shane holding on desperately tight to the other man who's body would feel lifeless if it weren't for the heart wrenching sobs coming from his lungs.
"It's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay" Shane keeps saying over and over and over again even though it really fucking isn't. Rick's skin feels like it's on fire and Shane is trying to focus on his partners heart beating against his chest and his hot breath on his neck because he needs to know that Rick is still alive. He's almost blinded by the terrorizing thought that Rick is the only thing in the whole damn world that matters anymore and if he isn't breathing, if his hear isn't beating, there is nothing left and the whole goddamn world is no longer worth anything.
Rick finally stops making the terrible noises that Shane never, ever, wants to hear again and he wonders if Rick has passed out but he doesn't want to check. He doesn't want to let him out of his arms and he doesn't want to lose the heavy weight of Rick's body against his.
Daryl and Glenn show up, after how long, Shane isn't sure. Daryl pulls Rick out of Shane's reluctant arms, telling him that they can't sit in the front yard all damn night and Glenn helps Shane to his feet and back into the house.
Daryl makes sure that they go through the back door and avoid the dining room, but the smell of blood is still in the air and Shane nearly gags.
Maggie insists that Rick stay in her room for the night. She cleans him up, helping him change his clothes and wiping blood from his face and neck and arms. She helps Shane, too, when she realizes that he is just standing in the doorway, watching, not having a damn clue what to do next.
When she is finished cleaning up Shane, she sits him on a chair next to her bed that Rick is lying motionlessly on. She gives the two men one last look, telling Shane to let her know if they need anything, and closes the door quietly behind her.
The second the door closes, Rick reaches out and grasps Shane's hand so hard it hurts. He pulls until Shane is lying in the bed next to him. It's hot and humid and they are both sweating, but neither of them can get close enough to the other and Shane ends up with his body pressed against Ricks and his face pressed against his chest. He think he may be sobbing, but there aren't any tears coming from his eyes and it's hard to breathe with Rick's arms wrapped so tightly, and protectively, around him.
No one disturbs the pair until they are ready to bury their dead the next moring. Maggie knocks on the door as a courtesy before she opens it, but Shane and Rick are passed out, and she can't really tell where one starts and the other begins under the tangle of sheets. She wishes she hadn't looked at their pain stricken, sleeping faces. She closes the door, unable to wake them.
It's Daryl, again, who steps in. He isn't as quiet as Maggie when he opens the bedroom door, but Shane and Rick still don't wake up until he gently shakes them.
"It's time" Is all he says.
They bury Laurie and Carl, and the baby while the sun is still rising. Rick names the child Dawn. He half whispers and half sobs the name into Shane's chest when Daryl wakes them up.
"Dawn, her name is Dawn, Shane" Shane nods in acknowledgement and the name feels like another stab to the heart.
When the last handful of dirt is placed on Laurie's and her children's graves, the sun is beating down and everyone is already covered in a sheen of sweat. They want to take time to grieve, but there are things that need to be done. Work and chores and perimeter checks and plans and other necessities that will at least provide a distraction.
Shane and Rick end up in Shane's tent. Neither has said a word in hours. They are sitting on the ground that is still cool, but even in the shade the tent is already filled with hot, humid air.
They sit in silence, neither of them knows for how long. They can both hear Maggie and Glenn talking not far away, clearly not knowing that Rick and Shane were in the tent. Maggie is explaining what happened to Glenn while he and Rick were away.
Shane closes his eyes, and Rick explodes. He screams and launches himself at Shane, punches him square in the jaw and Shane doesn't even feel it because nothing hurts as much as the look on Ricks face knowing that it was his best fucking friends fault that his whole family was dead.
He knows that Shane should have been with Carl and that he shouldn't have let Laurie take off into the forest by herself. He knows that it shouldn't have happened, his family should still be alive. He knows all of this, but when his fist connects with Shane's jaw and Shane just falls back and lets it happen, he knows that it doesn't even matter. Shane is all he has left and there is not a damn thing anybody can do to bring his family back.
He wants to beat the shit out of his partner for what has happened, but he loves Shane more than he could ever hate him. So instead of punching and kicking and biting and scratching, he falls onto Shane and kisses him full on the mouth so hard that it isn't pleasant at all. He can taste blood and he's not sure if it's his or Shane's and he doesn't really care either.
Shane lets out a shuddering breath, out of surprise or pain or despair, he doesn't know, and Rick pulls away.
"Don't you ever fucking leave me, Shane. Not ever" Rick says vehemently and he shoves Shane into the ground harder. He doesn't see the blood on Shane's mouth or his trembling lip as he is straddling the other man. All he sees is Shane's eyes staring up at him. Shane's eyes, wide open and scared and fucking alive.
Rick smashes his mouth against Shane's again and his hands are all over Shane's body, needing more and more proof that he's alive and breathing. He can still taste blood and Shane is clawing at his back now, trying to bring him closer and it's so impossibly hot in the small tent, but he doesn't care because as long as he is with Shane, as long as he can taste and smell and feel Shane, there is nothing else. Nothing else matters.