Based off the song To Build A Home by Cinematic Orchestra.
Fandom: HomeStuck (Post-Sburb)
Pairing: PepsiCola (Dave x John)
Rating: T
Warnings: Suicide
Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the characters.
There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home.
The house creaked quietly, the howling winds pushing at it's walls. It didn't used to do this, but it's been so long since he's been home...the house hasn't been well kept. Another creak, another howl, it's almost like the house is hurting with you, holding you inside it's walls and keeping you warm through this cool winter storm. Outside the windows, snow covers the ground in layers too thick to dig through. You shiver. It's just like when you lost him...But you still love him...Even now...
And I built a home
for you
for me
Until you disappeared
from me
from you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...
One hard gust from the Spring-brought storm, had the walls and floors shaking, causing the chair you were seated in to fall backwards and onto the floor. Hissing, the tears fell more freely from your eyes. This was a normal occurrence, falling out of this particular chair when a particularly large wind shook the house when you weren't paying attention. He'd always laugh, even as the tears fell down your shocked face, causing your glasses to go askew. He'd put out a hand, smiling softly and tilting his head to the side in the most adorable way, help you up, and then kiss your head where you hit it. Before you knew it, you'd be smiling. Every. Damn. Time. No matter how bad the pain was, he'd take it away in minutes, seconds.
This was that boy's home. Your home. You shared it together. After finishing the game, you, your friends, and the trolls were placed back on your dead planet. It took awhile, but eventually the trolls grew comfortable with their new surroundings; the group began to split up. Some wanted to explore, others wanted to settle down and simply live, now that they could. He wanted to settle down, to live like he did before. You loved him, even then. So how could you refuse when he asked you to come with him? So, you both traveled and searched until you found the perfect place. Deep in the woods of Massachusetts, you found a field. There was a small cabin, big enough for two people, with a garden full of foods to eat. He smiled at you and nodded, his signature buck teeth showing through. You couldn't help but smile back...you loved this boy. Even now...
Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed its knees
The wind whistled through your hair as you walked about the field, staring upon the garden he used to tend. He'd smile, and wave when you finally got your lazy ass out of bed, and ask you what you'd like to eat tonight. How you'd like it cooked, where and when you'd like to eat. He cared more about you than you did...and at the time you took advantage of it. You'd tell him what you wanted, and he'd just smile, already knowing but listening nonetheless. He'd make you dinner, and when you finished, he'd kiss you softly and take your plate to the sink for washing. He'd never complain, and always reminded you he loved you. You loved him...
Shaking your head of the memories, you proceeded to walk along, hands in your pockets and shades hanging on your shirt collar. Breathing in deeply, you could smell the warmth of Summer, his favourite season. But you'd shake your head and move along, looking up at the tree he convinced you to plant. You thought it was cheesy, planting a tree and watching it grow to symbolize the love between you both growing. But when he looked up into your eyes and frowned, taking both your hands in his, you felt your lips mouth a small 'yes' before he took them for his own.
Green, green and yellow leaves formed it's shape, giving it shade from the harsh sun above. The tree continued growing, even after his smile vanished. Even after you regained your no-longer-cool emotionless expression. Your light, the light, that shone upon you and changed you, left you just as soon as it came. You love him...even now...
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
Held on as tightly as you held onto me
Held on as tightly as you held onto me...
Your hands are bleeding, but you could care less as you grab branch after branch, pulling yourself up to the highest point. And honestly, you aren't the happiest camper when you get there, branches aren't the most comfortable seating device in the world. In fact, they're probably the least comfortable seating place, right after spikes.
The autumn leaves tumble and fall all around you as you sit, once again trying to push his memory far from your brain. It never worked, suppressing your pain, and he was the only one to realize that aside from you. He'd smile at you and poke your nose, causing you to suppress your surprised look and meet his gaze. He'd shake his head and click his tongue. Don't push your memories back like that. He'd say. If you don't face them now, later they'll come back with more force. At that point, they're shooting to kill. He was right. He was so goddamn right that you couldn't help but ignore him now. You faced your brother's death and he faced his father's, but you faced them together. Now, he's gone, and you have to face losing him all alone...Why do you have to love him so much? Even now...
And I built a home
for you
for me
Until you disappeared
from me
from you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...
Your hands tremble and grip the sink in front of you. Four empty bottles lay before you, their contents all safely (pretty ironic) inside your stomach. You could feel the chemicals reaching up and out, slowly taking control of your body. You could feel yourself stumble as you made your way towards the front door. Wall after wall, tables and chairs, you passed (and bumped into) it all. You passed the photographs of you and him, the faded memories you cherished. You passed the kitchen he would cook in, that he would hold you in when he noticed you not in bed because of another night terror. You passed all the memories you had with him, and finally let it sink in. He was dead. He died. And now you're dying too.
You finally reach the door, the handle beckoning you. With one small tug, it opens, letting in the cold of night. The moon was full and the snow was soft as you padded across it to the tree that represented you and him. You gazed upon it, red eyes distant and glazed, and finally let the tears fall down your face. You finally let the pain wash over you, the sobs flowing through the night air in raising volume. The wind howls, echoing your own, and you think of him. You think of him, his every quirk, his every gesture, his very being. You fall to your knees, then onto your back, and gaze up at the long and strong branches. You stare and stare until your vision begins to fade. You stare and stare until everything fades to black. And even then, you stare into the darkness and the last thing on your mind is him.
John...I still love you...even now...