Yet another story that I've gone through to fix some mistakes.
That's Gotta Hurt
"Hello everyone and welcome to a very special edition of Wipeout. I'm Sue Sylvester and I'm taking over for the normal host in this McKinley High School edition. If you watch reality TV like me you'll not only recognize me from several game shows, but you'll also recognize all of our constants today. The first part is the Qualifier where we have the Topple Tower, Sucker Punch, Big Balls and Cookie Cutter Swing the top twelve times will more forward to our next round."
While Sue continues to talk in the holding area Brittany wraps her arms around Santana a huge smile on her face. The other twenty-two competitors are all strategizing on what they're going to do.
"Okay so the plan is to follow exactly what Brittany does." Quinn whispers kissing Rachel's cheek.
"I don't think that's going to help honey." Rachel says pulling Quinn's head to her so she can passionately kiss her girlfriend.
Finn from his place in the far corner with all the football guys glares at his two ex-girlfriends.
"Give it up man, I know I had to." Puck says chuckling.
"God damn it Berry, Fabray your fucking hobbit is burning my eyes out that I can't appreciate the hotness of my wife!" Santana shouts about to turn into Snix.
"Sanny! What did I tell you?" Brittany angrily growls.
"I love you." Santana sheepishly says turning to face her wife.
"Any trouble and you'll get reacquainted with your left hand again." Brittany sweetly whispers kissing her cheek. "Oh and Rach duckies don't need to see that or we might never have little duckies again."
Everyone even Santana stares questioningly at her. Sure they are used to her random confusing comments, but this one not even Santana gets which makes it even weirder.
"What?" Kitty says dropping the rest of what she is going to say when Santana gives her a I will fuck you up look.
"Our first contestant is Rory Flanagan an exchange student from Ireland." Sue says hoping he won't speak.
"Hi's mums, da." Rory says causing Sue to frown.
Back in the holding area everyone is getting really excited about his obstacle course.
"Britt you have to promise me that you'll watch me go to make sure I don't look too much like a fool." Santana whispers curling in Brittany's body.
"Don't worry honey you always look hot." Brittany whispers.
"And he falls face first in the mud again." Sue laughs as Rory is having issues with the Topple Towers. "I don't know about you all, but I can't wait for him to get socked in the kisser." she says way to happy about all this.
After Rory's disastrous first run Dave goes and makes it in a decent time only having issues with Sucker Punch where he gets punched in the gut and can't make it pass the first Big Ball. Ryder and Jake follow him also having the same problems as Dave though they get both punched in the face causing Sue to fall over laughing.
"Our first female contestant is Lauren Zizes, the only female on the wrestling team." Sue says thinking this really ought to be entertaining.
"I'm going to rip this course a new one just like I did to Puckerman when he dated me." Lauren evilly laughs before running down the ramp and falling into the water missing the floating pathway.
"This is going to be better than when Flanagan went." Sue laughs as Lauren falls of the first Topple Tower.
"Britt can you lift me any higher?" Santana asks as she stands on her wife's shoulders unsteadily.
"Babe if I go any higher you'll topple over." Brittany says wincing as her wife steps on a nerve.
"Well I can't see anything." Santana whispers dropping into Brittany's arms.
"Puck lift me up." Quinn orders.
"Um….." Puck hesitantly mumbles as Rachel is glaring at him.
"Move out of my way preggers." Kitty says climbing onto Puck's shoulders. "Oh and Puckerman if you look up my skirt I'll castrate you."
"I'm super glad that I had daddy pay off a camera man to tell me what this thing is like." Sugar says to herself cradling a stack of hundreds.
The group in the holding area keeps shrinking as more and more of them dare the course. Santana is glad that she is going to be the last one going through though isn't sure if she can without Brittany here to encourage her. She hadn't wanted to come on this show, but her wife's pout and her own inability to say no landed her on yet another show.
"And somehow Asian number two who is legally known as Mike Chang has made it pass the Topple Towers and Sucker Punch. His dance moves are finally coming in use." Sue announces pissed that he didn't get punched.
Mike pulls himself up to the platform and pauses looking at the Big Balls. Taking a step back he flung himself onto the first one.
"That's gotta hurt." Sue laughs as he face plants after bouncing off the first ball. "Now let's see if he can…..never mind." she manages to choke out in between laughs.
Mike has swung holding tightly on the rope to the Cookie Cutter only to smack right into it.
"With that time he's sure to move onto the next round. Not many of the lazy lards will be able to beat that time." Sue says ready to move on to someone who will get punched.
The next one to go was Tina who as Sue put it uses her Asian vampire powers to zoom through the course only having a problem at the Big Balls.
"Did Coach say Asian vampire?" Kitty asks looking at the three older Cheerios.
"She's been hanging around Figgins too much." both Quinn and Santana agree.
"Now we have one of my personal favorites Cheerios Kitty who like my idol Madonna will have no last name." Sue says as Kitty stands at the top.
"I'm going to teach this bitch who's in charge." Kitty growls charging down.
"Go Kitty win or I'll demote you to the bottom of the pyramid." Sue shouts as Kitty face plants in mud.
Despite face planting on every obstacle much to Sue's sure grin Kitty still manages to do well.
Joe, Mercedes, Shannon and Blaine all have unimpressive times. Joe got punched in the balls and had to crawl to finish the course which caused Sue to fall over in laughter. In fact she couldn't stop laughing that she missed Blaine's run completely.
"Something funny must have happened that's Coaches laugh." Brittany softly says.
"I think she finally lost it." Santana chuckles still curled into Brittany's side.
"Will I think Becky might need help getting to the top." Emma whispers feeling bad for the girl.
"Rachel don't let Finn make any moves on you after I go." Quinn says glaring over at Finn.
"Don't worry Quinnie we'll watch her for you so long as she doesn't talk or sing." Brittany says smiling.
"Like hell we will." Santana grumbles before Brittany smacks her on the back of her head.
While that is happening Sue regained herself enough to announce Shannon's and Blaine's runs.
"Well that had to hurt." Sue says as Shannon bounces off of one Big Ball over to the side of the next one and belly flops.
"Ooo and hair gel, bow tie boy shouldn't have worn a bow tie." Sue says trying not to laugh as Blaine is attached to the Sucker Punch and keeps hitting the wall. "I guess someone should help him before this show gets sued."
It takes several minutes for them to unattach him.
"Is my baby hurt?" Kurt demands the young production assistant.
"Kurt don't hurt the poor man." Rachel says wrapping an arm around him. "I'm sure he's fine."
"I wish I could have seen that." Santana whispers to Puck.
"I know, I think we should build one at McKinley to punch the nobodies into the dumpster." Puck suggests looking over at his partner in crime.
"So long as Britt never finds out I'm down." Santana whispers.
Puck nods cause really the sweet, innocent blonde has terrified him ever since the Amazing Race.
"Next up is my personal friend and only student I actually like Becky Jackson." Sue shouts giving Becky a hug. "Good luck."
"Thanks Coach." Becky says leveling her gaze on the course.
Becky doesn't fare well on the Topple Towers falling in the mud both times.
"Come on Becky you can beat everyone's time." Sue encourages.
She somehow manages to crawl under the Sucker Punch much to Sue's delight.
"Jump as far as you can into the water." Sue orders.
"Okay coach," Becky shouts before jumping off.
Will doesn't do well falling on every obstacle much to Sue's delight as she shouts about washing that damn hair gel out. Kurt goes next, but doesn't get passed the Sucker Punch as he doesn't want to hurt his money maker.
"Well I always knew that Porcelain was a pansy, but this takes the cake. Oh and before we go to commercial break please replay William's attempt to get passed the Sucker Punch as I want to see if any of the Keebler elves flew out of his hair." Sue snickers.
Coming back from the break Sue looks very pissed.
"I'm so pissed that they didn't reshow William's epic fail that I have decided that Emma Pillsberry should go now instead of Blondie." Sue announces needing some cheering up.
"Um…..Sue do I really have to…no that's mud. I refuse to do this. No one told me that there would be mud." Emma says walking off.
Sue has a huge smile on her face for some reason.
"Good luck baby." Santana says kissing Brittany's cheek.
"Just remember that if you don't compete that you won't be getting any for a month." Brittany threatens kissing her cheek.
"Awe Brittany S. Lopez-Pierce champ of so many shows and simply the most successful Cheerio ever." Sue says still smiling.
"Hey Coach, I love Lord Tubbington and stop smoking." Brittany says before heading down the path towards the Topple Tower.
Personally Brittany thinks this looked like one of the easiest things she's ever done as she jumps across the towers with a dancer's grace. She finds the Sucker Punch to be hilarious and decides to swing from one arm to the next when they punch out. Sue is impressed, but decides not to say anything as the big test will be the Big Balls which Brittany hops from one to the other like it is nothing more than a walk in the park. She then easily makes it through the Cookie Cutter Swing.
"And that people is the young woman who will win." Sue announces smiling.
"Damn she must have done well." Quinn grumbles.
Sam has an impressive time even though he has troubles on both the Sucker Punch and Big Balls like many others. When Sue announces Sugar Motta she pays off the camera man to turn away when she falls which she does a lot. The only thing anyone can hear is Sue cackling.
"Boy Wonder goes down again." Sue giggles making a mental note to send Santana a copy of this run.
Finn's disastrous run where he is hit in the groin and face takes place right after Quinn's decent run where she has the same troubles as Sam.
"I can't believe that they actually are allowing Sue to host this show." Santana grumbles really regretting agreeing to come on this show again.
"I heard that the normal host was too scared of you so they had to ask Sue." Rachel says glaring at Santana.
"Shut up midget."
Puck's run is amazing. Only falling on the Big Balls.
"Ladies I am single." Puck says at the end.
"Just remember ladies that skunk thing isn't removable." Sue sneers always having hated him.
Santana glares at Rachel as she walks up to the starting place. She can't believe that she's here instead of getting her mack on with her hot, sexy wife.
"Well, well, well here is Raquel aka Hobbit Berry." Sue says smirking as she finally losses control and discreetly shoves Rachel down.
"You saw that right!" Rachel shouts.
"Face first in the mud again!" Sue shouts so Santana can hear.
Santana smiles as she hears that Rachel got punched in the kisser before remembering she has to go through this course next.
"And last, but certainly not least we have Sandbags Lopez-Pierce my single scariest and toughest Cheerio." Sue happily says glad that they'll soon be done with most of the bottom feeders.
Once Santana sees the mud she makes it her goal not to land in it. She manages to scamper across the Topple Towers and crawls under the Sucker Punch as she can't have her face injured. She needs it for when she finishes and gets to get her mack on with her wife. Instead of trying to go on the Big Balls she just leaps into the water and on the Cookie Cutter swing she lets go halfway over.
"With that run finishes the Qualifier is officially over and let me tell you no one is more excited than me to get rid of half of the lazy asses we just witnessed." Sue says sneering.
Brittany and Santana stand with the ten other people that are moving on whisper to each other.
"I love you so much Sanny." Brittany whispers.
"You better after I got drenched and it wasn't even to rescue you from pretending to drown so I can feel like a hero." Santana pouts curling into Brittany arms.
"Is that even Satan?" Kitty asks frowning.
"You'll learn that Brittany has her tamed and whipped." Quinn says.
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"So now that we're all set up I can tell you who's made it to this next round which is called the Sweeper. We have the Puckerman's both Puck and Jake who you should not sleep with ladies. Asian one and two, Mike and Tina Change and no they are not related I checked. The idiot footballers Ryder, Dave and Sam. Prissy bitch with lots of money Sugar Motta. My Cheerios Kitty, Quinn, Brittany and Santana who all better do well." Sue pauses as she frowns when she sees Brittany and Santana making out. "The first six to fall will be out, but the Sweeper will continue until only one is left and they will win one grand. Which I expect if it's one of my Cheerios to win and share with me."
"You all are going down." Kitty shouts glaring over at Brittany.
"Don't you fucking dare glare at her!" Santana shouts at Kitty.
"God this is going to be a long round." Jake says having been warned by his brother about the sexy, feisty Latina.
"What the fuck! Do they really expect me to jump over that I'm only fucking five four." Santana shouts waving her arms around like a mad woman.
Quinn rolls her eyes at Santana's antics wondering how she managed to win so many game shows as she's a fucking whinny baby. Then she hears Brittany and remembers why she hates the other blonde when they're on shows.
"Sanny if you get to the next round I'll do that thing that you like so much with my tongue." Brittany shouts as all the guys start mumbling things.
"Mike," Tina whispers not wanting the others to hear.
"What?" Mike asks.
"Am I better in bed than Brittany?" Tina asks blushing.
"Um…."
"Don't answer dude it's a trick question." Puck says speaking from experience.
"Don't worry Tina, I'm better at sex, but he loves you so that trumps sex any day." Brittany confidently says and Santana smirks from her spot next to Brittany.
With that the Sweeper starts, Brittany glances behind her at Santana who has her serious face on as she concentrates on jumping. Jake, Sugar (surprisingly), Quinn and Sam all easily jump over the Sweeper landing in the center of their pillars.
"Just remember that I will ends you Puckerman if you cause my Britt Britt to fall." Santana growls.
Kitty bounds over the Sweeper easily while Tina has a hard time and almost falls off. Mike is so worried that Tina's going to fall that he forgets to jump and gets smacked right in the stomach falling face first into the water.
"And our first victim goes down hard." Sue laughs.
"Damn I didn't think Change would go down first." Santana gasps as Puck jumps over flexing his guns and Brittany easily hops over.
Santana uses all her leg strength to jump up and sighs when she makes it. Her ass being as prefect as it is distracts Ryder enough that he trips over the Sweeper and face plants on the pillar before falling into the water.
"Now that has to be the best wipeout thus far." Sue laughs completely missing Dave's epic fail of a jump.
The Sweeper speeds up a bit, but no one falls as it makes its way through the remaining players again. This pisses Sue off.
"Britt baby did that thing get higher?" Santana asks staring wide eyed at it.
"Just think positive thoughts." Brittany shouts.
Jake nearly mistimes his jump, but manages not to fall. Sugar who doesn't want to get hit or look like a fool so she just jumps off.
"Richie bitch goes down in style." Sue says approving.
Quinn gets clipped on the ankles, but somehow manages to stay on. Sam is too busy laughing at Quinn that he jumps sideways and gets pushed off.
"Another one bites the dust." Sue cheers smiling.
Brittany looks back at Santana and winks.
Kitty has yet another easy time. Tina tries, but fails and ends up getting smacked in the face.
"Asian number one is down. Everyone left is moving on to the next round." Sue announces.
Puck being the cocky asshole he is decides to try and be all cool, but epically fails as he's thrown off towards Brittany. Thankfully for his cock Brittany manages to get over though Santana isn't so lucky.
"Son of a bitch!" Santana shouts as she plummets into the water.
The Sweeper goes even higher taking out Jake's legs causing him to fall doing a belly flop into the water.
"Boobs McGee how the fuck did you fall! You're a pathic loser and don't deserve to be married to Blondie." Sue shouts.
"I love you baby!" Brittany shouts.
"Win us that one grand baby!" Santana shouts as she's helped out.
"Don't you two have enough money can't you let someone else win." Quinn shouts.
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"They won the fucking one grand." Quinn whines to Kitty.
"Well it's your fault for distracting me." Kitty complains glaring at Santana who is cuddled up with Brittany.
"I think we should buy ourselves some new clothes." Santana says kissing Brittany's neck wishing that they could go at it.
"Sounds good," Brittany says running her fingers through Santana's hair. "Can we buy Lord Tubbington a friend?" she asks pouting.
"I guess since we did just buy that new condo." Santana cautiously says not really wanting another pet, but she can't say no to her wife.
Jake and Puck are both standing in front of the camera flexing.
"Quinn I can't believe you fucking slept with him!" Santana shouts motioning to Puck.
"So did you!" Quinn shouts back.
"Yeah, but I don't like dick period, you're bi!" Santana shouts curling more into Brittany.
"Oh shut up and make out with your girlfriend!" Kitty shouts.
"Don't get me started-"
"We are down to our last six only four move onto the wipeout zone. Though first they have to get through the Dizzy Dummy which I think I may have to buy one to train my Cheerios on." Sue says as Brittany, Santana, Kitty and Quinn all pale. "There will be four heats where the victims will be spun on the Dizzy Dummy and will try to make their way over the Tippy Table course the first one across will advance. The remaining victims will be spun again and go on the Hopping Blocks course." she says smiling evilly.
"Britt let me win the first one." Santana whispers squeezing her hand.
They are spun for thirty seconds before it abruptly stops. No one can walk in a straight line and they all keep falling all over each other. Sue is laughing so hard at how stupid they all look that she can't say anything.
"San, go straight across well as straight as you can go." Brittany orders helping Santana get up on the Tippy Table.
"I love you so much babe." Santana says swaying across the Tippy Table while Brittany takes out Quinn and Kitty so they don't knock her off.
"Looks like Boobs McGee with the aid of Blondie made it across first." Sue says rolling her eyes. "Now back on the Dizzy Dummy."
Another thirty seconds of spinning and the remaining five contestants look like drunken fools. Even Brittany is having a difficult time. Puck is the first to attempt the Hopping Blocks course where he lands on the first block, but slides off when he tries to get to the next one. Kitty tries to jump straight onto the in between platform missing horribly short.
"Watch this," Brittany says smirking in a very Santana way.
Using what can only be described as dancer grace she hops across the first three blocks to the in between platform and the across the final three.
"And that people is how you do it." Sue says turning away from the disgusting display of affection going on next to her.
"You were amazing," Santana whispers burying her head in the crook of Brittany's neck.
"That was all for you." Brittany whispers picking Santana up.
Both Kitty and Quinn win the next two heats.
"We have an all Cheerio wipeout zone for the fifty grand when we come back from commercial break."
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"I love that it's only us girl." Brittany says smiling as they all get ready.
"Of course you would." Kitty sneers.
"Shut it Ellen wannabe." Santana growls glaring at the younger girl.
"Shouldn't you have graduated already lesbo JLo." Kitty retorts getting sick of the Latina's attitude.
"Um…..Brittany can you distract Santana maybe." Quinn whispers as the two Cheerios are glaring at each other.
Brittany who is distracted watching Sue straighten out her track suit turns to see her wife and Kitty in a standoff. Shaking her head she slowly walks over to her wife and wraps her arms around her.
"Hey wifey I'm really proud of you for not giving up at all even when thinks looked bleak." Brittany whispers kissing her cheek.
"Yeah well I know how much you enjoy these shows and I would hate to upset you." Santana says smiling at the look of pure joy on her wife's face.
"You. Are. The. Best. Wife. Ever." Brittany says kissing her.
Kitty opens her mouth, but Quinn kicks her in the shin to shut her up before she does something stupid.
"Well its night time now and we are ready for the Wipeout Zone. Now I'm really excited for this as we're going to see some pretty epic wipeouts. There are four stages the Killer Surf were contestants ride down into the water and make their way to the Barrel Run. Leaping the barrels up to the top they then have to scale across the wall to a platform. From there they jump onto the Spinner and jump to the Launch Pads. The best time will win fifty grand." Sue says smiling.
"Fabray is up first anything to say?" Sue asks.
"Brittana is fucking going down." Quinn shouts jumping on an inner tube and going head first down the Killer Surf.
"That's an epic fail." Sue laughs as Quinn goes face first into the water.
Quinn regains her composer and gets onto the Barrel Run only to be hit by the first two. Sue isn't announcing anymore as she's yet again on the ground in a fit of laughter. After getting hit by two more barrel's Quinn finally reaches the top and scampers across the wall easily. Gulping she takes a leap of faith to the Spinner only to hit one of the red blockers and crashes into the water. All everyone can hear is Sue's manic laughter. It takes Quinn a good two minutes to get back on the platform and jump onto the Spinner.
"Q, how the hell did you fall you're a fucking Cheerio for god's sake!" Sue shouts finally standing back up.
Quinn grumbles something under her breath. The Spinner goes around twice before Quinn leaps onto the next platform and stands up looking over the last obstacle. Using her Cheerio training she jumps down onto the first trampoline and propels herself up to the next one then down to the third one without any pauses she jumps up to the forth onto the finish platform.
"That was horrible five minutes Q? Really? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid and your Thing will receive her daily slushie again." Sue orders a pissed off looking Quinn. "Move it Q, its Kitty Cat's turn."
"Here goes nothing." Kitty says going down the Killer Surf.
"Now there's a dismount." Sue says clapping.
Kitty easily leaped over the barrels all the way up to the top. She doesn't get how Quinn had a hard time with this as thus far it's been the easiest thing she's down. She too makes it across the wall easily thanks to years of pre-Cheerio training in Sue's cheer camps. Though she does pause when she sees the Spinner. It scares her more than anything she's ever down before. Taking a deep breath she takes a step back before jumping praying to Madonna that she makes it. She barely manages to land on the Spinner clawing her way to the center.
"Sanny I wish we could see what Coach is laughing at." Brittany softly says.
"Don't worry we will." Santana reassures her.
Kitty waits thirty seconds before leaping onto the last platform from the Spinner super glad to be off of it. She jumps down onto the first trampoline, but doesn't have enough momentum to propel herself up to the next one she smacks straight into the support pole.
"That…..I don't have words." Sue shouts shaking her head.
Finally after three tries Kitty finally gets herself up on the second and easily makes it on the third and to the fourth.
"Three minutes and forty-three seconds is an epic fail!" Sue shouts. "You didn't pray enough to Madonna obviously!"
Brittany knowing that Santana is nervous for her turn gently kisses her cheek.
"You'll do amazing baby." she whispers.
"If for some reason I die I want you know I've started the process for us to have a baby. My eggs are frozen and ready to be fertilized." Santana nervously says.
"Sanny I thought you didn't want to pepper your people by having a baby when we are still teenagers." Brittany says a smile on her face.
"Yeah…..well I know how much you want a mini me and we can afford it." Santana says shrugging like it's nothing, but secretly happy she's made her wife super happy.
"We are so getting it on after this."
"Next up is Boobs McGee. Let's see what you can do." Sue says.
Santana screams bloody murder as she goes down the Killer Surf. Sputtering as she climbs out of the water she makes a mental note to not touch the water the rest of this course. She manages to not get hit by the barrels and quickly reaches the top. The climbing wall scares her as she absolutely hates heights. She clings to the holds like her life depends on it as she makes her way across. When she reaches the other side she spread eagles on the platform thanking god, Madonna, Brittany and everything in between. Slowly stand up she gets dizzy just looking at the Spinner, but shrugs and jumps. She barely has time to turn before she's jumping for the next platform determined to beat Kitty's time.
"Wow that was close, but Boobs McGee uses her jugs to hang on and get up onto the last obstacle." Sue says a little disappointed.
Santana is never more thankful that she's married and spent so much of her life with Brittany as she is now jumping across the trampolines.
"Well Boobs McGee that was impressive I think Blondie might even have a hard time beating that one minute and fifty-seven seconds performance." Sue says.
"I don't know Coach my baby is really talented." Santana says standing next to Sue.
"Well Blondie it's your turn." Sue shouts.
"I give," Brittany says sliding down and swimming over.
"Baby," Santana whispers pulling Brittany up and into her body.
"Congratulations on your victory." Brittany whispers kissing her.
"Well Boobs McGee you've just won fifty grand." Sue dryly says.
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"Quinnie don't be upset you did really well." Rachel says as they sit in the auditorium waiting for Mr. Shue to arrive.
"It's garbage that they won again." Kitty grumbles crossing her arms.
Marley wraps her arms around her girlfriend hoping to calm her down a bit.
"Let's face it they're just unnaturally lucky when it comes to those game shows." Sam says smiling over at Mercedes who is whispering with Kurt.
"Does anyone know where they are?" Blaine asks just noticing that there's been no snarky comments from Santana or airhead comments from Brittany.
"Probably off having sex somewhere." Puck grumbles.
Just then Santana slams open the doors with a smirk on her face as Brittany whose smiling grabs her hand and kisses it.
"What's up losers?" Santana asks still smirking.
"Guess what!" Brittany shouts bouncing on the balls of her feet.
"I'll bite what?" Artie asks the only one not bitter about losing as he didn't partake for obvious reasons.
"We got asked on Family Feud and Sanny's going to get pregnant with our baby." Brittany happily says.
Everyone stares at them mouths hung wide open.