The struggles the show didn't show us, but we know happened.
All from Amy's point of view.
I don't own Doctor Who or BBC.
Sitting anxiously in the waiting room, heart pounding, holding my husband's hand...All I can feel is dread. We've tried a few times now for a baby, but there hasn't been so much as one sign of new life inside of me. Rory tightens his grip comfortingly, rubbing my hand softly with his thumb.
"Hey, everything will be alright," He whispers, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear. "The tests will give us a result soon."
As if on cue, the door opens and Dr. Ruderman steps into the waiting room. "Mr. and Mrs. Williams?" He asks, looking around.
Rory instantly jumps to his feet, crossing to the doctor with me following, if not slower. "Yes, yes that's us."
"Please follow me," Dr. Ruderman instructs, and we walk through a hallway into a small office, where he motions for us to sit at a desk, he himself taking a seat behind it. "You two have been trying to become parents, correct?"
"Yes," I breathe, heart fluttering uncontrollably. Rory takes my hand again.
"Well, the tests are very accurate and careful...And, I am so, truly sorry to tell you this...But it seems that your body, Mrs. Williams...Well it can't create a life - like it's meant to. I don't know what caused it, as it seems it used to be properly functional in this aspect in the past...Is there anything that may have set something off?"
"You have no idea..." Rory whispers, voice far off. I turn to him, and see that he is staring down at his lap. His hold on my hand slackens. I feel empty inside. I didn't need another baby, goodness knows I went through enough with Melody...But Rory...He wanted kids more than anything...And I can't give them to him.
"Could you please elaborate on that, Mr. Williams?" Dr. Ruderman asks kindly.
"No," I reply quickly, holding back the sob which threatens to emerge as I stand quickly, crossing the short distance to the door. "No. Rory...Take me home..."
Rory jumps up, saying a quick apology to the protesting doctor, and escorts me outside. Our eyes don't meet, though I try. We don't say a word, though I try. We don't touch, though I try. My mind won't seem to function. My mouth won't move. My body will do nothing more than walk numbly to the car, sit, buckle myself, and stare out at the passing cars as we drive home.
My heart does feel it though, when Rory lets out his first small sob.
Rory is finally asleep next to me in bed, but my body won't let me rest. So I just gaze up at the ceiling. We will never raise a child of our own. Never see the first steps, hear the first words. We'll never get to drop our kid off at kindergarten, or snuggle, or help them with their homework...I'll never get to have girl time, if it were a daughter, or console her after a hard breakup. Rory will never be able to take him out to a ball game, if it were a boy, or teach him how to treat a woman...Brian will never be a grandfather. My parents won't ever have a grandchild - not a fully human one, anyway.
There's always adoption, but I do not want someone who isn't fully mine. I want the experience of being a mother, for real this time. Not by meeting a full grown woman and then finding out she's my daughter.
And Rory. Rory, Rory, Rory. He's wanted kids ever since he was a kid. While I was punching boys I didn't like in the schoolyard and flirting with the ones I did, Rory was dreaming of his future family. He's told me before, how when he was young he always knew he wanted to be the man of the house, someday. And now he is, but this house will always be empty of children. Always, because I can't provide them.
And how long is he going to want to stick around now that he knows?
Forever. I know it. He will never leave me. But how long will I allow myself to be selfish and hold him back from the life he deserves?
There are much better women out there than me.
Brian and Rory are outside, sitting at the small table on the patio. They think I've gone inside to get ready for work, but I stand out of sight beside the doorway, listening intently.
"I'm so sorry about this whole thing, son," Brian is saying. "I know how much you've always wanted kids..."
"Yeah," Rory replies hollowly. "But...You know...There's nothing we can do..."
"You could always adopt?"
"Amy wouldn't want that. It's not what's best for us..."
"Has she always been like this - and you just never knew?"
"Yeah, I guess," Rory lies, making my heart ache. There's no way we're going to explain to Brian about all the crazy adventures we went on with the Doctor. And we're not even going to try with River - there are some things that are just too confusing when they aren't experienced first-hand.
"Will you stay with her?" I'm startled from my thoughts by Brian's tentative voice.
"What?" Rory asks, seemingly not understanding. Oh my wonderful, stupid idiot.
"Amy. Will you still stay with her even because of this?"
"Yes! Yes, of course I will!" My husband replies loudly. "You think I'd just leave her because she can't give me kids? I love her, Dad. More than anything. And nothing is ever going to change that. Nothing."
A tear rolls down my cheek at Rory's words. Rory, loyal until the end. My Rory, who waited 2,000 years outside of a box for me. He always came back...He's always been there when I needed him. He fought for me and Melody, never stopping until he had us safe and sound. Never changing, never leaving, no matter what. He would follow me to the ends of the earth - already has.
And I will never deserve him.
I hate myself these days. A fake person, modeling for the magazines. All glammed up and making money. A girl of the world.
For once, my life makes sense.
A lonely girl, in the middle of a divorce. I fought and insulted Rory until he accepted it when I pushed him out the door.
I hate you...I had yelled. His anger seemed to melt away at my words, instead replaced by the look of a hurt, betrayed man who has had his love torn from him. And that's what he was, in that moment. I had to slam the door to take him from my sight, but even then, his wide, tear filled eyes invade my mind. If only he could see me as I literally collapse against the door, sobs wracking my body, he would know I never meant any of it.
He endured my ruthlessness for five months. And my heart broke more and more with every day.
I'm surprised I made it that long, insulting, shouting, blocking him out. I became irritable to everyone, spent the hours when he was at work crying, sitting in front of the phone, waiting for the Doctor to call me, give me a sign that he never forgot about us. There is nothing.
I knew I had to give Rory up. He deserves better than me. He deserves the family he's always dreamed of. A normal life with a wonderful wife and lots of equally wonderful kids. He will have that, eventually, I know he will. But I also know he'll spend months in heartbreak, because he loves...loved...me. He told me, every single day. He would kiss me, and hold me...and...
Oh, stop it! Can't you tell that you'll only break more with those thoughts...?
Rory is gone. And I am alone.
Goodbye to my Centurion, my 'Boy Who Waited'. My husband, my companion, my friend. My everything.
Goodbye...And have the life I can never give you.