A/N: Shipper's note: Here are all of the ships involved, since there are actually quite a few.
Soulshipping, Spiritshipping, One-sided Anikishipping and Fianceshipping, and a strange bit of Bondshipping (Yubel/Johan).
I hope I made this readable. Strangely, Spiritshipping is actually very hard to write. Well, please enjoy!
It was six days before "intermission." Juudai was hungry.
"Don't get reckless, Juudai," Yubel tells him mentally, blocking out whatever Johan had commented on.
They stepped, unnecessarily carefully. He didn't see them and perhaps Johan didn't sense them, but Juudai could tell the atmosphere, the spirits, the beasts lined their movements, flowing, swaying in unison with the wind, Ruby sitting transparently atop Johan's shoulder. And yet, he wasn't. A bit like Juudai's bond with Yubel, though that one seemed slightly, no, excessively, interrupting, or perhaps invasive was a better, more descriptive word. Yet, that was how Yubel was, even in their past lives - no, - especially in their past lives. But that was understandable. Yubel was meant to protect him; always was, and that may have been a reason that he loved her. Still was, in her eyes. He can't have a conversation with him quietly anymore. Still, he'd gotten used to it, as Yubel was never the most aware of their surroundings unless she'd been outward and made herself known. Somehow, he became able to focus mostly on the two at once. But every once in awhile, they overlapped and he couldn't understand either of them.
Depending on Johan's mood, such a thing may be acceptable or terribly not. He certainly wasn't willing to experiment with his reaction to it. The boy was always so unpredictable; at first, reminded Juudai of himself, but he slowly realized that this was not the case. No, no, Johan was much more closed off and cynical. But inwardly. And that scared Juudai.
Juudai sat on the floor of the carpeted Osiris Red dorm with his legs crossed and let out a chuckle. "I won't let you win, Johan!" They share a laugh, letting Juudai know that the vague answer had turned out well.
Of course, they dueled, just like they said they would the day before. Recently, they'd not been spending enough time together, though Yubel had joked that it was still too much. Joked, of course. Over time, though she had not quite softened up to him, she'd become trusting that Juudai wouldn't leave her for anyone else. Still, there was that nagging in the back of his and her mind that there was still a sense of hostility and tension in the air.
There obviously was.
It wasn't like his feelings were completely misconceived by his soulmate, clearly, as he'd felt strongly for Johan, strong enough to be called love. Love, yes, that was the perfect word. But a sexual relationship hadn't truly occurred to him; in fact, it never did with anyone. Not that he could do so with Yubel, though they had their own little ways of bonding, which he absolutely adored. It was different every time. Showing him their past lives, vibrant with color and life, a life that his present day seemed to have lost. Not that he preferred that world, that past life. But something in Juudai knew that Yubel had moments where she'd give anything just to go back to where they could touch and experience each others existences. He never mentioned it.
Yet, all he yearned from Johan was his constant opposition, the competitiveness, the unpredictable nature. Their duels. Their respective methods. It was all so exciting, he loved it, he loved dueling and being around Johan, he loved being a part of Johan's life, he loved that there was another person that could see duel spirits.
He loved Johan. That piece of information, he kept tucked deep away into a black hole.
Because there were so many ways that Yubel would misinterpret it, of course, because she loved him and he loved her, too. But he loved Johan. But he loved Yubel. But there was no contest. Of course, he'd stay with Yubel, the person he'd sworn to stay with forever, the person who would always protect him, the person who made him feel important and wanted. He got a high off of it. No way would Johan at all get in the way of that.
And he didn't plan to. Somewhere in the back of Johan's mind, he knew of their connection. Their bond, perfectly symbolized by the cards laid out in front of them, separated only by Yubel. Not that they were at all being kept apart. They were together, aren't they? As they were, dueling separately, facing each other, smiling fiercely.
Together as they were, they always knew that something was missing, but not quite. Something that wasn't required to be there. Quietly, they continued. Juudai took a moment to close his eyes and focus on the flowing thoughts of the two of them. Occasionally, he would do this, and be amazed at how their ten-minute long conversations turned out only a couple of seconds, how their minds were truly linked, only kept apart by mental force by either sides. If let out of hand, they'd synchronize, see and hear and taste each others fleeting thoughts, every last one of them. It became too much to handle at once, but admittedly, it was a nice occasional sensation.
"Save your Neos until the end."
Of course, most of their conversations were like that. Her giving him advice on their duels, which was when they'd talk the most. Meaningless. Then, the times when they weren't.
"I enjoy engaging in deep communication with you, as well."
That wasn't what he meant, though it might as well have been.
"Your friends may get worried if you continue to internally speak to me like this."
He could visualize her arms crossed, her eyes closed in thought. They disagreed on that. Hadn't he already blatantly spoken to his duel spirits directly in front of them before? Yet, he supposed it made a bit of sense, as his other duel spirits had not previously killed them. Pushing him away, now?
"That was not what I meant. If I appear now, we may be able to talk freely, as the Crystal Beast boy is able to see us."
He was, of course, able to see them, though it was improbable that he'd be alright with it; then again, Johan was frequently understanding. Still, the person who quite literally held your body captive talking to your best friend in front of you is a bit disconcerting. She comes up with different names for Johan and never once has called him by his actual name.
"I also do not intend to at any point."
That sarcastic behavior; not in a fit voice. Obviously, it was a joke. But also not one. No matter how fond she may grow of Johan, that sort of unsure paranoia that Juudai would leave her for Johan was always, always present. It was strong, disgustingly so, and filled with sharp and hot jealousy. Envy that filled in her bones.
Not that he would let this slip past.
With much coaxing, he'd managed to, more or less, accept that he'd never leave her again, that she'd never be without him again, as they'd now been bonded, regressing back again to their first point. No progress towards her accepting the "Crystal Beast boy." He eventually let her cling to him as a lifeline. It would have made sense, as he'd literally become her only lifeline. He died, she died. But it didn't because that was not the reason. She needed him.
No, that was wrong. He needed her.
Juudai never thought that Yubel would be able to handle or comprehend his feelings for Johan, so he decided to forever keep quiet about them. Now, he had her, and that was all that mattered.
She had nothing to say to that particular train of thought at first. He almost thought that she'd tuned out, thought it was over and stopped listening, but she finally responded. That was how she was. She'd had years to herself, to her mind, so speech didn't come easy to her, yet she took the time she had in her thoughts to carefully pick her words. It always came out so formal. Yet, now, the response warranted something a bit different than usual.
She wished to comfort him. But she didn't know how.
"...Repressing your emotions is never a good thing. They tend to explode out of you when you least expect."
Juudai won another duel and the clock hit twelve in the morning. That was another thing. And now only five days.
They should have been tired, but inner beings had kept them wide awake. Something was missing, now, in Johan's mind, but it always battled. Because there was always that part of him that wished deeply, desired, to beat Juudai. To defeat him, to crush him, to finally, finally, rise up higher than him, to be better than him. And it was terrifying, absolutely frightening, as he knew that it would never go away. Luckily, he'd been able to take control over it, able to ignore it when important matters were concerned.
But ignoring a problem doesn't get rid of it. Controlling a problem only suppresses it.
He thought - no, knew, - that the feeling would never leave. Not until he was, finally, able to beat Juudai. But it frightened him to think that he wouldn't be able to, that it may never happen, that he could easily simply go on without that experience of accomplishment. And the emotions would build up. He couldn't bring himself to resent Juudai. Never. Terrifying, wasn't it? Knowing that it was a drive, but also a poison and having no way of truly overcoming it. Yet he couldn't just use the excuse of disliking the person.
Like a spiral. Or an endless loop.
"You are a threat to Juudai in more ways than one."
He knew that and didn't need her telling him. He didn't need anyone telling him.
"That darkness of yours. That is how I possessed you."
It wasn't a question. They both knew it to be true.
"Are you seriously okay with this?"
Of course he wasn't.
But Johan wasn't quick to give into her guilt trip. He knew of his own darkness. She knew of hers. She had no right to tell him that he was wrong to think that way. Wasn't it natural to want to overpower a force better than you? He thought that, but it was mostly to convince himself instead of her.
It's like he's trying to argue with a broken record.
"How uncalled for."
Scratch that; a broken record that can't decide its own tune. For a second, he felt bad about insulting her like that, and promptly attempted to apologize, which immediately became an awkward situation. Things were always awkward when they spoke and tried to be civil. Never could they have a normal conversation, one void of melancholy insults that meant absolutely nothing, or one void of the tension that would almost certainly always be present. Certain actions the two had made that they couldn't forgive each other for hung in the air.
Silence again. Nothing fit better to exemplify just how the two could communicate. He'd been pushed to the back of his mind when she took over and everything became a blur. Not even something that he could ever be fully aware of as she'd used his body for things he'd never do willingly. But Juudai loved her, swore to forever be with her, and he respected that. He couldn't respect her.
Slowly, though, it all was progressing slowly. Eventually, they'd become accustomed to speaking, even when Juudai was unaware of it, even those times when Juudai had fallen asleep in his presence, and it was almost like now, they'd become bonded. It was ridiculous how much they simply assumed that they were stuck. Supposed to communicate, when really, they could easily just ignore each other. They never did, though.
Because as they'd progressed and regressed and met at a standstill, it was almost like a game of who could withstand who.
Or perhaps they both felt stuck with each other. Like they had no other choice, with no logical reasoning behind such a thought.
Four days and Sho was in the hospital, quietly and stealthily visiting his brother.
He'd dropped off the medication quietly, stopping for a second to look back at Ryo's sleeping figure. Truly, that was mostly what he could do, confined in that small bed. One day, he'd be able to fully be able to move around without frequently needing to be in the care of medical professionals. Of course, he could walk, but it still took a toll on his body. The white room smelled of cleaner with the faintest scent of iron.
It was almost intoxicating, but definitely sickening.
And, of course, he'd walked out without a word, unable to bear being in there with nobody to talk to for too long. Then again, the nurse was never exactly the best company, so it was safe to say that he preferred his brother conscious.
Sho walked quietly out into the wind, squinting his eyes to prevent them from contact with debris. But in the distance, he noticed a figure, then another. One clad in red, the other in blue, and he realized who it was before the sudden drop in his stomach. In an attempt to do...something - actually, he had no idea - he'd stepped over to a squared podium, and hid himself quietly, observing. Perhaps he didn't want them to notice his staring. Yet, had they caught him, it would turn out increasingly more embarrassing.
As it always had, jealousy built up in his throat as he watched his Aniki and Johan walk together, talk together. Now, of course, it had become better than it had been before. But as it was, he'd never quite liked the other blue-haired boy. Only from his "stealing" of Sho's Aniki did he start the dislike. Yet, they were civil. They had quite a bit in common in their ideals and their personalities, surprisingly, but...as much as Sho hates himself for it, he can't bring himself to like Johan. Perhaps it isn't only that. Maybe he blames him for hurting Juudai - which was ridiculous. That was Yubel. Oh, dear, Yubel, he couldn't even think of her anymore. No longer was his mind tainted with pictures of her, no, he'd tried the best he could to wipe her from his memory.
Then, they left his vision, and he realized just how envious he could get of their relationship.
He laughed outwardly when they were out of earshot about how perhaps he and Yubel weren't so different after all. What a ridiculous concept, he thought, and he hurried back over to the Obelisk Blue dorms to catch up on sleep that he desperately needed.
Were there not three days left? Of course, Asuka could never tell, but it wasn't like she was the one keeping track.
Nor was it like she knew how to; no, only Juudai knew what would happen in three days. And he truly had nothing planned for that day, but it was nice to count down. Give an event to look forward to. But then, it wasn't truly a good thing. It happened every three months and for only one day. He had no idea why. She had no idea why. She, being Yubel. Actually, perhaps they did. Every three months, Yubel would "check out" for a short period of time. It was as if their powers had a shortage and she needed to charge herself, emotionally rest to better work. And in a way, it made some sense, or as much sense as anything else concerning her, because she'd had to take care of the both of them. Not to mention the fact that Juudai had also been able to use her powers. She would grow tired. Need to regain some sort of energy.
Not that it had to be every three months. No, it could be any time, but she chose it specifically to let herself use up as much as she could of her energy and to have a neat schedule.
And it honestly was on accident that he seemed to be avoiding his friends, but when Asuka approached him cautiously, he acted normally, causing her tensed shoulders to relax. And she brought it up, of course.
"Juudai...are you feeling alright?"
He had to respond with a, "Yeah, why?" else he'd seem suspicious. Then again, even if he hadn't meant to avoid them, he was quite aware of it. Johan had been the only one to really come up to him and talk, considering that being how it always was. Juudai was always starting conversations and instigating interactions between his friends and him, other than with Johan, who was just like that in that aspect. But perhaps only to him.
And he realized how funny his friends were.
Of course, he knew it, but to really stop and think about it was interesting, wasn't it? Sho was still shyer than the average person, Asuka had this strange...set of emotions for Juudai, Manjoume was focused deeply on winning, never to show weakness, Ryo was terrible at expressing emotions, and Kenzan was a bit...too good at it. Yet, where was Kenzan? He would have been a wonderful release right about then.
She answered quietly, looking over to a window as to not make herself seem too worried. But once her mouth opened, she spoke like a running faucet.
"You've been...quiet."
He knows.
"And you - you seem like you've been avoiding us."
Wasn't it funny? If he didn't actively seek them out, they would only seek him out when they realized his absence. His mind fought between finding it sad and finding it a pleasing thought. It was almost a compliment that they'd gotten used to him speaking to them, and no matter how they pushed him away, they always came back to him when he finally stopped. It truly proved that no matter how they'd tried brushing him off, they appreciated his company.
She might have noticed what she said was quite blunt and looked in many different directions, almost as if she'd tried shaking off the sentence with her eyes.
"You just seem distant."
This one sounded like it was what she'd truly wanted to say, absolute and confident. Distant? He liked it better when she was obvious so that he didn't have to solve through her verbal labyrinth, but she'd explained already what she meant. He wasn't avoiding them. He wasn't trying to be distant. He'd realized that he needed to go up to them more often, now that he felt considerably less lonely than before. Before he fused with Yubel. It all seemed to come back to her. But didn't it make sense? She was always there, perhaps wandering around their home. And now he'd had her with him, even when she wasn't speaking, she was thinking, and whenever he got lonely, all he did was tune into the internal radio. Maybe one day he would tell her of his adventures.
Asuka looked as if she needed to say more. It seemed like his response wasn't needed, just so long as she could get it out of her longing throat.
"...Y - you've also been spending - a lot of...time with - Johan."
Her stutters were hard to follow, her awkward pauses with unpredictable numbers of moments. Quiet and quick. Loud and slow was how he was, a terrible contrast. And he knew why she said that, but she probably didn't. Her confused face, confused at her own words, as if they meant nothing and they should just discard them. But Juudai wasn't ready to do that.
He knew that she liked, or perhaps, loved him. But his feelings for Johan were complex and even scary. He didn't know what to make of them and her questioning on him about it was bound to be horribly uncomfortable. Still, somehow, he noticed a certain thing when they'd spoken that she was, in fact, jealous. Sho, as well. It was a bit funny how so many people were envious about their relationship; not that many people truly felt that way about him, right?
But it wasn't only confusing on his end and he could notice that, which made him feel a bit better.
And perhaps Johan was better off avoiding Juudai.
Too many confusing thoughts filled his mind about the boy and his feelings for him. Like pounding in his head, or an endless maze, no matter where he turned, there was a wall. Then, when he thought he got somewhere, he ended up only going backwards on accident. Ruby appeared next to him. Of course. His Crystal Beasts were his family, but wasn't that pitiful? As a child, he'd nearly always been picked on for being able to see the duel spirits. He'd only had a few friends before, but that was okay, because he reasoned that a few close friends were better than a whole lot of acquaintances.
But once they realized that he'd been "talking to himself," he'd been mercilessly teased by those very close friends.
How could he trust anyone?
So, he taught himself not to trust anyone but his Crystal Beasts, his family. Anyone else will betray you, believe you crazy, insane, for talking to them. He'd even been put into therapy a few times. But after a while, he deliberately chose that time to speak to them more than he even would alone. Eventually, they grew tired of him. And very quickly. They requested he be put into a mental hospital, but he never was. How many of them was he forced to go through? Seven?
And none could see duel spirits. How funny, he thought, that therapists were supposed to understand you.
And yet, once he found out about Juudai, he knew that he needed to see him. He'd met Jun Manjoume before, back at North Academy, and they talked a few times. Overall, they'd been on alright terms, but Manjoume made a habit of straying their conversations to Juudai, who he'd mentioned had talked to "himself" a number of times. Immediately, he'd been drawn to Juudai, but he didn't realize just how...attached he'd get. They hit it off automatically, similar minds, similar love for the game.
And they were both close to their cards. He had Ruby Carbuncle, Juudai had Winged Kuriboh, and they grew terribly close. So close. And perhaps he'd even truly developed feelings for him. Odd, though, how he knew that Juudai didn't require much of a romantic relationship. In a way, he didn't, either, but there was always the urge. He wondered for a brief second if Juudai got those urges, as well. But he was so childish in some ways, yet he knew too many things to be childish. Simply didn't take part in them. He accepted that Juudai was forever with Yubel. Their relationship was alright enough to stay friends, very close friends, and never act upon those urges.
Maybe he loved Juudai. Maybe. Probably.
But it still wasn't enough.
It almost brought tears to his eyes.
The fact that he still couldn't trust Juudai.
Johan was nowhere to be found, not that Juudai was looking for him. No, that day, with two days left, he'd spend it with Jun Manjoume.
"Manjoume!" Juudai yelled out after the boy clad in black. Immediately, he was corrected, just as he always was.
"Manjoume-san da!"
But he ignored it. And just as he caught up, they started walking again, posing the question of why Juudai had decided that moment to finally speak to him. And maybe he didn't know the answer to that question, either. They'd not talked in so long, right? What better day than today? Carefully, his eyes rolled over Manjoume's form, tense, and he could tell that he'd just dueled. Knowing him, he probably won. No doubt, as he'd probably be acting different from his normal self if he'd lost.
And they walked quietly, side-by-side. Perhaps he'd missed Juudai, too, he probably did, and this was his way of showing it. Funny. His way of saying "I missed you" seems to be not playfully insulting him. His mouth opened constantly as if he was going to say something. Probably fighting back the words "where have you been" or "why have you been avoiding us" but never getting them out. And Juudai couldn't press him to get them out, or they'd never get out. If he was pressed, he'd only get mad and flustered.
They never did anyways, and they went back to walking next to each other. This was the extent that their friendship would go, other than in life-threatening situations. They once had a conversation, a long one, a deep one, after his trip from the dark world. After Yubel had fused with him. And he needed to know, truthfully, if Manjoume blamed him. It made sense if he did; he still blamed himself, because he was the one at fault of their deaths. He expected the answer, "it didn't matter that they came back; you were still responsible for it."
He didn't get that.
Manjoume reluctantly called him stupid and that it was done with, and that Juudai had saved their asses way more times than they'd put them in danger. He wondered for a moment if that was really true. But then, that confirmed it, that he at least didn't outwardly blame him for it. After that, they parted ways. So far from a healthy relationship, but one of the closest ones he had. That was how it was. Unlike Johan, who, from what he'd seen, had overcome his desire to beat Juudai, Manjoume was constantly haunted by it.
He never understood Juudai's inexplicable luck. Always, throughout his whole life, he'd fought and forced his way to the top through his studies. When he saw Juudai at the bottom reach up to the top, he was more than infuriated. Juudai was never on his studies, something he'd always need to win, but he was still beaten. And amazingly enough, seeing this only made him work even harder, but to no avail. And he didn't seem quick to give up on this way of thinking, unfortunately.
It was frustrating. They'd never get anywhere and if they did, it was a step back. A lot of things in his life seemed like that.
One more day. Or, night, as it had already past six-o'clock at night.
And Juudai didn't know who to spend it with. In six hours, Yubel would be nearly gone from his mind, not thinking a thing, and he'd be left in silence. So, he walked around, planning to spend it with the first person he'd see. Interestingly enough, it was Johan. Faint protest came from the back of his mind, urgency that faded away quickly. He'd forgive her for that. She couldn't help it; the doubt was always there. And it wasn't her fault that she'd thought that for a second.
He ran up to Johan, who in turn was both unhappy and pleased to see him. He was always pleased. But he planned to sort out his feelings on his own. Still, he noticed it growing late, so they snuck back into the Osiris Red dorm to duel each other. Four hours had passed already. It was fascinating how time seemed to fly when they were together. And only two more hours Yubel and Juudai would have together. Always, she'd tell him goodbye. It was almost as if she believed she'd never see him again.
It was nearly cute. He always smiled at it.
"...Juudai."
He decided bringing it up. Maybe if he did it vaguely, he wouldn't notice. Juudai looked up.
"Is it - bad if you want to trust a person...but can't?"
That was an odd question. For a second, Juudai wondered if he or someone he knew was having that problem, but it wasn't exactly his place to ask. Or perhaps it was, as he was the one giving advice. And he needed to think long about it, considering the circumstances. But some people have trust issues, he knew that. And maybe it wasn't exactly bad, but finding a person you can truly trust takes time. He knew that from experience; it took him some time to finally accept Yubel as the person she turned out to be.
"I think...it takes time to really develop a trust for a person."
It was a vague enough answer to still be an answer. And it sparked something within Johan. Maybe it was okay to not be able to trust Juudai. Maybe it would just develop.
But maybe he did trust Juudai. What was trust, exactly?
He always thought of it as the feeling that you know the person would protect you no matter what. That they wouldn't betray you. Did Juudai trust Yubel? He must have. But his own emotions...did Johan trust Juudai? Moreso, the other way around? It was all too confusing for him and he hated it. He hated feeling powerless against his own feelings, like he could never control them. Especially concerning Juudai. Did all of his friends feel that way? He quietly got up, once again done with the duel, and sat on the bed, burying his face in his hands.
Feelings are annoying.
And that was one thing that Johan and Yubel could agree on.
But Juudai got up to sit next to him, unsure of how exactly to comfort him, what course of action to take. In an hour, Yubel would be out of his mind. Well, still there, but "sleeping." And carefully, he'd moved closer, inspecting his friend. Johan closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. Juudai followed in suit. Their day was closing slowly to an end, the day after being Sunday. Then, intense fatigue took over the both of them, bringing them to a sleep. Juudai let gravity take its toll and leaned over onto Johan, causing the two to fall over.
They didn't realize until they awoke that they'd slept through to one in the afternoon. It was amazing just how late they could sleep in when they were able to. Immediately, Juudai noticed the emptiness, the missing feeling, the loneliness. A part of him was gone. A feeling of devastation and panic started within him until he settled onto the knowledge that she'd be back at midnight again. Such a neat schedule, even when asleep, he wished he could have that. But these days were the worst.
He missed her the entirety of the days.
He felt incomplete, now, fused with her, when she "checked out" like that. He knew why she did it and he knew that it was selfish of him to want her back then.
But he supposed it was alright, just so long as someone was there with him. It was then he realized who's arms he was in and he looked up, confirming his suspicions. Johan had him locked in his arms, oddly enough, as they'd never quite been this close. It felt warm, though, right, as if it was alright that he was with him. Like they could just lay like that for the rest of the day, and oh, he wanted to. He needed someone, and in the arms of Johan, he felt less lonely.
Another hour passed before Johan woke up, to Juudai's dismay. And he pulled away immediately, but not forcefully, as if he'd just been getting up to stretch.
But it made his face the slightest bit red, aware that he'd slept that way with Juudai. He quickly shook it off, though. He couldn't do that. His feelings were too new and fresh and confusing. But it felt natural to do that. Strange. It felt like when they first met, when they first held hands, that feeling again, that he'd known him for his whole life. That he needed to protect him, that he was supposed to. But didn't that specific go to Yubel? Well, they were friends. Still, it felt almost as if he could -
...trust him.
That was horrifying. But it felt good, too. That he could finally trust someone other than the Crystal Beasts.
And they proceeded to talk endlessly about seemingly useless topics before taking a walk out of the dorm. Happily, they walked, not once bringing up anything that was truly on their minds. It felt strange, trusting him like this. He'd loved Juudai; that much, he knew. But to trust him was another step entirely. And he felt that they could then be truly happy. Friends. Never anything more. Even though Juudai had reliably informed him that Yubel had evidently taken a "power nap" as Juudai had jokingly called it, he was happy spending the day with him.
They caught each others gaze a couple of times, always smiling at each other when they did. And Juudai couldn't help noticing specifically another thing that Johan and Yubel had in common; their smile. Though it was genuine, it was incredibly challenging and bold, whereas Juudai's was always childish and cute. It was interesting. And before they knew it, time flew by, bringing them to five. He always wondered if five was at night or in the afternoon. Well, it was a stupid thing to worry about. But in their walking and talking, they let time wander off to around seven.
A whole day was passing by without them really knowing it. Johan found it annoying, while Juudai was pleased. The shorter the day was, the faster Yubel would return. But that was just what Johan wasn't truly a fan of happening so quickly. He planned drawing it out long, but realized how selfish that truly was when he noticed Juudai's stressed face, eyes wandering all over the place, probably filling his head with missing thoughts. And he sighed, suggesting they leave again for the dorm, as it was getting late and everybody seemed to be turning in already. He agreed. Recently, instead of his own room, Johan seemed to be spending nights frequently with Juudai.
Oddly enough, with their constant bonding, they were actually surprising themselves on how they hadn't made any move on each other. Of course, there was that lingering feeling that the other person may not quite love them in that way, but both sides were...fairly sure.
They were back at the room, sitting on the bed once more, as time passed to around nine. Three hours. Of course, they decided talking, mostly about cards and methods, as Ruby Carbuncle and Winged Kuriboh began play-fighting, as they always had. Talking, dueling, walking, that was what they were limited to. Hugging, holding, ki - they couldn't do that. Love exploded within them, like terrible burning in their chests. Or as if they couldn't get as close as they wanted, but were okay with it, as well, accepted it, because Juudai was in love with Yubel. And he'd look inside his head to talk with her, to tune into her thoughts, and nothing would be there. Just his own thoughts of loneliness, even with the boy in front of him, spouting off about strange topics that never registered.
Love makes no sense.
His eyes were drawn to Johan's, but they were confused and terrified. Immediately, Johan felt like something wasn't right, and leaned over. Something he said. But it didn't make it to Juudai's mind. Something blocked it out completely, his internal clock so close to hitting the twelve mark, so close to ringing, so close to the feeling of completion, the emptiness leaving him and the spot being filled, so close, yet so far away. The minutes moved like hours as his mind raced, eyes staring into Johan's close face with fear.
Unexplained fear. Why was he afraid? Was he afraid of Johan?
Or perhaps what he felt for Johan.
The blue-haired boy shook his head, letting his eyes adjust themselves to the sight and move away slightly. "Juudai..." they asked. "What's wrong? Did I say something...?" And Juudai wanted so badly just to confirm that he did nothing wrong, fear being replaced with awkwardness and a weird feeling of relief. But Johan was still worried. As an experiment, he leaned over again, expecting Juudai to lean back. That didn't happen. Their lips met for a second before ripping away from each other.
There was silence, making Johan believe he did something wrong. The spark in his stomach jumped up.
Juudai quietly licked his lips, perplexed and interested. Not quite longing for another as Johan was, but that was okay, because he was too busy attempting to solve the expression. Juudai's face was contorted, stretched out and scrunched all the same, his eyebrows up and furrowed, his eyes half-lidded, but wide, as if he was afraid or tired or uninterested, but none of that was true at all, and his lips were fighting back words. Almost like he was scared to say something. That wasn't at all like Juudai. But finally, he took on a bored look and a half-smile.
There was a laugh. "You taste strange. That felt strange." Another laugh. "But kind of a good strange."
All at once, Yubel's presence made itself known once more. Once that happened, Juudai fell to his knees.
What the hell did he just do? What the hell did he just do?
The reality of it all came crashing down on him at once. He wasn't supposed to do that. That shouldn't have happened.
"Get out."
And with those two words, Johan backed away, leaving the room as quickly as possible.
He messed up. As the door closed, he realized that more than the moonlight had disappeared that morning.