She knew what was happening… the pain, she had felt it before. He looked at her as he did it, screaming at her, about how much he enjoyed it…
Liv woke up in a hot sweat, her heart racing. Lewis couldn't get her, she kept reminding herself. She couldn't stand it, the constant fear, the nightmares, her life was slipping from her, and she was being controlled by this fear.
Of course she wasn't going to talk to anyone about it, it's Liv. She never was the type of person to put her feelings and struggles out there, she just couldn't ever trust people that deeply. There was, of course one person she knew she could trust no matter what, Elliot. But she wasn't about to call him and have him come down, they had barely talked since he left, much less seen eachother. They did send a text every now and then to check in and make sure they both knew there was still something there for them.
She got up and walked into the kitchen, pouring herself some coffee. On the microwave she could see that it was 3 in the morning. She exhaled deeply as she sat down on the couch, turning on the tv. She thought about her life, and what she wanted. She always thought that by this time in her life she'd be married, with kids, and be happy. She didn't want to think it, but as she sat there the words glided through her mind. "The only time i've ever been truly happy was when Elliot was here."
On her way to work that morning it was all she could think about. She felt stupid that she was missing him so much considering that they never dated, or had a sexual relationship. It was hard to explain, but they somehow had a love deeper than any couple, it was like they knew eacother so well, and had spent so much time together that they were dating, but without the title, and some of the things that go along with it. They were always right there, on the verge of making that decision, but they never went farther, the timing just was never right. There was also the fear that being together would somehow ruin things.
Liv tried to forget about it as she walked into the office. It had only been a week since it happened, so everyone still acted very fragile toward her. She hated it, feeling like she couldn't do anything herself. The only person she didn't hate it from was Fin, because he did it in a way that didn't make her feel inferior, rather just cared for.
She sat down at her desk feeling the eyes on her. She logged into her computer as her phone dinged. A part of her thought that it'd be Elliot, maybe by some miraculous coincidence. But it was just Barba, sending her the new case information. She sighed as she looked back at her computer. She checked her email, still something inside of her hoping something from Elliot would pop up. Her phone rang and she picked up. "Hey Barba what's up?" "ok, you remember how we had that case with all the girls with tattoos?" "yeah" "well, the tattoos were like branding them, and they each had a different one with one similar mark on the bottom. Well our latest victim has a tattoo with the exact same detail on the bottom." "ok, see if you can figure out who gave the tattoo, we might get a lead from them."
The rest of the day went by slowly, Liv did work, and more work. It wasn't busy, and Liv's mind started to drift off again. Suddenly a memory from a few years back came in. Sonja had just been killed, and Liv was doing her best not to let the tears flow freely down her face. She remembered turning that corner and seeing him walking towards her. "I'm so glad you're back" she said, the tears now flowing. He pulled her into his arms and hugged her, Liv feeling the comfort of being in his arms. As she snapped back out she realized there was a tear building up in her eye, she went to bathroom before anybody could see her, and closed the door. She sat down on the floor, and buried her face in her hands. She had had problems trusting people her entire life, so she never got very close with anyone. This feeling of missing someone so much was something she never felt until Elliot left. She stayed there awhile, waiting until the tears dried.
She went back out about 30 minutes later, and prayed that nobody would notice. She sat down, and just as she did, Cragen called her into his office. She walked in and sat down. "What's up Cap?" she said. "Well Liv, I don't want to bring this up or anything, and i'm fully expecting yo to get mad, but I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. You know I care about you, so I wanna make sure that i'm doing everything I can to help you." She thought for a minute, knowing she couldn't say that she was fine. " well, I think i'm doing as expected, but being at work helps." she said. Cragen sat a minute, and looked her in the eyes. "You know that if there is ever anything you need or want, that you can come to me." His words made her tear up a bit, and seeing this Cragen walked over and put his arm around her. "I'm always here" he said.
Liv packed up her things getting ready to leave for the day. She quickly stopped at her mailbox and grabbed the multitude of things inside, then went out to her car. She forgot about the mail, setting it down on the table when she got home. She went to change into comfortable clothes, and sat down at the table. She went through the letters, not really caring or thinking about what was in them. She accidentally dropped one as she sifted through, and as she bent to pick it up the name made her stop in her tracks. She quickly but carefully opened the letter, and began to read. "Hey Liv, I have been sitting here for a while thinking about what to write to you, and how to say what I want to say, but I realized that you would rather me just say it the way I would want to. So, I have become aware of what happened, and I first want to say that i'm truly, deeply sorry. I was so angry when I was told. I'm here for you, alright? I don't care if it's midnight, or 4 in the morning, no matter where I am, or what i'm doing, I am here for you. I'm not saying that you need me, but I know that in life there aren't many others willing to do what I would for you. Please send me a message letting me know that you got this, I know that you aren't dependent on me, and I don't know if you needed this or not, but I needed to make sure you knew this. And always remember, I love you. Elliot."
The tears were like a waterfall, rushing down her face. She had never felt this way before, somehow his words, and his caringness was for once exactly what she needed. Everybody else just made her mad, but he knew exactly what to say that needed to be said. She had that feeling again, of love. It trumped the pain, she only needed to hear I love you from him once, to feel so incredibly loved. Because as she had already known, his love was the only love she ever truly needed.