Law and Order of the Istari
By Princess Consuella Banana
THE TRIAL
DEFENDANT: Smeagol
DEFENDANT'S OTHER PERSONALITY: Gollum
ALLEGED CRIME: Murder of Deagol by strangling
JUDGE: Iluvator
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Manwe
PROSECUTOR: Melkor
JUROR: Eomer of Rohan
Éowyn of Ithilien
Queen Arwen Undómiel
King Elessar Telcontar
Thomas H. Bombadil
Saruman of Many Colours
Elrond Peredhil
Galadriel of Lorien
Frodo Baggins
Samwise Gamgee
Legolas Thranduilion
Bilbo Baggins
[As testimony is being give, Legolas files his nails]
LEGOLAS: Jury duty again! The Arda Justice System is not up to snuff!
BILBO: (smokes pipe) Mmmmmm, snuff.
SARUMAN: (grabs nail file) It's not a party for us, either, Buster! (files nails)
ILUVATOR: Smeagol is now called to the stand.
BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Eldar?
SMEAGOL: Yes we does, precious! We is not tricksy hobbitses, oh no! *Gollum*Gollum* Let us wring they filthy little necks!
MELKOR: Objection! Contempt of Court!
ILUVATOR: (bangs gravel) Sustained.
MANWE: Objection, Your Honor! You always sustain his objections but not mine!
ILUVATOR: (bangs gravel) Overruled!
MANWE: (mutters to Legolas) You're right about the Arda Justice System.
MELKOR: Objection! Contempt of Court!
ILUVATOR: (bangs gravel) Sustained!
MANWE: But when I say he needs to get thrown out of the universe –
MELKOR: Ob –
ILUVATOR: Sustained! (bangs gravel three times) Court adjourned!
SMEAGOL: But we didn't give our testimony, precious!
ILUVATOR: (bangs gravel) So what? Jurors, go deliberate!
MANWE: I'm moving to Valinor . . .
TOM: Don't feel bad, my friend! He just doesn't have anything to bang except for his gravel!
ILUVATOR: Why, you –
TOM: Yes, it's no secret to old Tom Bombadilio that you were after my Goldberry. Hi, ho, what have we detected? The Ruler of the Universe had been rejected?
SAM: Come along, Tom! We need to deliberate!
TOM: Coming, merry lads! (sings) Oh, ho, deliberating we go!
[The jurors file into the room and are locked inside]
ÉOWYN: Turn on the fan and some nice, dramatic music, will you? My dress won't blow in the wind all by itself . . .
FRODO: It's broken, my lady.
ÉOWYN: (stares) Then what are you waiting for? Blow! Blow!
FRODO: (backs away) Don't give Sam any ideas . . .
ARAGORN: Éowyn, sit down. You're scaring people.
ELROND: (clears throat) Ahem. Do be seated, everyone. As foreman of this jury –
LEGOLAS: - You need better eyebrows. (pulls out tweezers) I can help you with that.
ARWEN: Don't bother. I've been trying to get him a wax since the Second Age.
LEGOLAS: No WONDER Celebrían sailed far, far away . . .
GALADRIEL: Now, now. Let us be at peace and discuss the case.
EOMER: Stupid hippie . . .
LEGOLAS: Don't let Gimli hear you say that!
GALADRIEL: He won't. The restraining order says he can't come within five hundred feet of me.
LEGOLAS: Now he just downloads naked pictures of you off the internet.
EVERYONE: What?
ARWEN: Grams, why would there be naked pictures of you on the internet?
GALADRIEL: (embarrassed) Well, you know how I went through my whole teen rebellion thing? That business with Feanor, and the war, and running off with Celeborn to Middle-earth?
ELROND: And breaking poor Celebrimbor's heart. You can't imagine how many days he was hanging around my dad's pad, moping about unrequited love.
GALADRIEL: I'm sorry, but he was a real geek. Anyway, I didn't tell anyone this until now, but I was sort of a . . .
ARWEN: A WHAT, Grams?
GALADRIEL: (ashamed) A PlayElf centerfold.
LEGOLAS: Gimli has four thousand copies.
EOMER: Perverted dwarf.
ARAGORN: You tried to take a picture of my wife in the shower!
EOMER: That's different!! I'm a King!
SARUMAN: What year was this?
TOM: Hi, ho, which month were you?
GALADRIEL: I was Miss Ethuil. Miss Afteryule to you Shirefolk.
FRODO: (writing on hand) Must remember that . . .
ARWEN: Honestly! Grams!
ELROND: (very annoyed) Let's please get back to the case on hand!
FRODO: What, that thing about Smeagol?
SAM: Nasty bugger, that one! I say guilty!
ELROND: We will take a preliminary vote, Master Samwise!
SAM: Guilty!
FRODO: Sam, you mustn't be so hasty with the sentencing!
ELROND: (angrily) Everyone write their verdict on a slip of paper NOW!
[Everyone does so and hands it in]
TOM: Hey diddly ho, it's a verdict you know, gives out life or deepens woe!
ELROND: (Makes must-kill-Neo face) SHUT UP! (reads verdicts) Guilty, not guilty, hi diddly ho diddly guilty-o, my nails are lookin' fine, blond is better, I will diminish and go into the West and remain Galadriel, I am the coolest King ever, I will cleave to you and turn from the Twilight, Faramir is my Aragorn substitute, and Gimli is a pervert! (furious) These are not verdicts!
GALADRIEL: Actually, they are all verdicts. Just not the kind you were looking for.
ELROND: (must-kill-Neo-NOW! face) Who understands why we're here?
EOMER: I came to see Arwen.
ÉOWYN: I came to see Aragorn.
ARAGORN: I came to keep him away from Arwen!
ARWEN: I came to keep her away from Aragorn!
TOM: Hi diddly ho, Tom Bombadilio came to the rescue!
SARUMAN: I came so I would get a day pass from being dead. It gets pretty boring.
GALADRIEL: I came because the Valar commanded it.
FRODO: I came to see Smeagol.
SAM: I came for Mr. Frodo.
LEGOLAS: I got served.
ELROND: This is impossible!
GALADRIEL: At least it is a place of peace.
[At that precise moment, Saruman attacks Frodo, Arwen and Éowyn start bitch-slapping each other, and Aragorn and Eomer have a manly wrestling match.]
ELROND: All right! EVERYONE WHO VOTES GUILTY RAISE THEIR HAND!
TOM: (raises) Hi ho guilty-o!
LEGOLAS: (raises) Sure, why not? I need to get out of here. Got a date with a hot little number from Imladris.
FRODO: I'm not convinced. Let's see the evidence again.
ELROND: (shows him Ring) Are you happy now?
FRODO: (takes Ring) Happy. (strokes it) Precious.
SAM: Mr. Frodo! Remember what the Twelve-Step leader said! Don't fall off the bandwagon!
FRODO: I don't care! I'm weak! (puts Ring on) Ahhhhhh, that's good.
BILBO: Frodo! Stop playing with the evidence and hand it over!
FRODO: (meekly) Yes Uncle. (hands over ring)
BILBO: At last! (puts on ring)
SARUMAN: Enough of that! (magics ring away from Bilbo and gives it to Elrond) Let us decide this case and be done with it!
LEGOLAS: Where are you so eager to be, Grandpa?
SARUMAN: Hmph! Not that it's any of your business, but I'm planning on cruising a singles bar! (everyone falls on the floor laughing, even Elrond)
LEGOLAS: A SINGLES BAR? In THAT outfit?
SARUMAN: (hurt) It's Versace! You know . . . many colours!
LEGOLAS: Look, you had something going with the monochromatic thing. But this . . . (shakes head) You'll never get a girl looking like that.
SARUMAN: (fingers beard) Maybe I have been a little lenient with the personal hygiene since Mr. Clean gave my promo job to Gandalf . . .
LEGOLAS: Come now, we can fix that . . . (starts cutting Saruman's hair)
ELROND: AHEM! Back to the case! We need to decide if Smeagol is guilty or not guilty! It's a matter of life and death!
SAM: (bangs table) Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
FRODO: Sam . . .
GALADRIEL: All right. Let's take a vote, and this time the verdict has to be guilty or not guilty. (hands out papers)
ELROND: (collects papers) Legolas! Put down the scissors and vote! (legolas hands in verdict) There, that's better. Let's see . . . what? How do we have thirty-three guiltys? There's only twelve of us!
SAM: (looks guilty) No idea.
BILBO: Samwise Gamgee, how many times did you vote?
SAM: Only – only thirty, Mr. Bilbo, I swear!
LEGOLAS: (wheels Saruman's chair around) There! What do you think of THAT?
(Saruman is now clean-shaven, with waist-length hair the exact same platinum blond as Legolas'. His eyebrows are waxed to a firm but not bushy look, and his face is stiff with Botox. Everyone is silent for a moment.)
ÉOWYN: Wow! Saruman, you look great!
EÓMER: I could get used to this!
ARWEN: Legolas, I'm looking for a full-time hair and makeup assistant. Do you think . . . ?
LEGOLAS: I'd love to!
SARUMAN: (looks is mirror) Wow. I look HOT!
EÓMER: I wouldn't go that far, but, sure, you look good!
SARUMAN: All right – I'm set to cruise. Anyone know any good pickup lines?
ARAGORN: 'Tinúviel! Tinúviel!' works like a charm.
ARWEN: Ahem.
ARAGORN: I mean, ah, only if you were hitting on my wife, which of course is not permissible.
ÉOWYN: (giggles) Faramir asked me if I wanted to blow his horn of Gondor.
GALADRIEL: Celeborn said, 'Got ship. Leaving Valinor. Am rich. Wanna come?'
ARWEN: A man of few words is appreciated, true.
GALADRIEL: Celebrimbor on the other hand made me a Ring of Power. Girls LOVE jewelry.
LEGOLAS: Or you could take a line from the Sons of Gloin pickup school and ask for one of her hairs.
SAM: I told Rosie I was a warrior. It made me look heterosexual.
FRODO: Oh, Sam!
ELROND: GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY? That is the question here! Not, 'How can a newly made-over Istari pick up girls?'!
SARUMAN: Hey, you were married! How did you get Celebrían?
ELROND: (sighs) Oh, you know. Arranged a Last Alliance, saved the world. But – but then she left me.
EÓMER: Why?
ELROND: She said it was that I spent too much time in the Matrix, but I know it was because of my eyebrows.
ARWEN: (solemnly) And to this day, he won't tweeze.
BILBO: So that thing about the Orcs –
ELROND: - was just an excuse for having an affair. (starts to cry)
ARWEN: Aw, Dad, don't beat yourself up!
GALADRIEL: Yeah, she was a bit it a twit, anyway. Got it from Celeborn's side.
ARAGORN: (worried) You won't leave ME, will you, Arwen?
ARWEN: Not if you keep tweezing daily.
ARAGORN: (puts hands over eyebrows) Sure thing, sweetie!
FRODO: I hate to bring this up again, but what are we going to do about Smeagol?
SAM: (mutters) Evil bugger.
ELROND: Well, everyone voted not guilty except for Sam.
FRODO: Oh, Sam. Do be a friend and go along with it.
SAM: (sighs) All right, Mr. Frodo.
ELROND: Yes! Judge, we have reached a decision.
ILUVATOR: Good. Now you have to stay locked in there for another hour, because it's funny.
EVERYONE: WHAT THE *^@(*(^$#&(%$!(*#!&@()#*&@()$^&#(*&%^#&$%^???????
ILUVATOR: (opens door) Just kidding. Now THAT was funny.
EVERYONE: (&#%$*&#^$(*&#$(*@& YOU!
ILUVATOR: Heh heh heh!
(Jurors trample him on their way out)