The meaning behind our words

Chapter one:

Summer is over. Two months without pretending. Just be who I am. Britt and I were on vacation in New York to meet my aunt. We spent every second together. We were swimming, shopping, ate ice and went to the movies together. Like a real couple would. Just that we weren't a real couple and still aren't. We haven't told my aunt although she is very open minded. Britt told me she wanted to be openly together at least for this few weeks in New York. But I couldn't. I was too afraid and I am still. I can't stand the thought of somebody knowing about us, about me. Not even my aunt who has a gay best friend and a gay neighbor. I don't know if I was afraid of her reaction or if she would tell it my parents. Maybe I just wasn't ready to admit it to myself. So we kept it a secret for the following weeks. We were happy when we held hands in the back of the cinema, when we lay together in our bed and cuddled. But as soon as we were around people my fear took over and I backed off. And it stung. It stung to see the look of disappointment in the eyes of Brittany, to just hold her pinky instead of here whole hand. I hated myself for being such a coward and I still do. But I can't help myself. I am too afraid of what the others will think of me, what my parents will think. My whole life I tried to make them proud. But no matter what I do, I will never be enough. I am a straight A student, captain of the cheerios and part of the glee club. But on the other hand I am a bitch. I say what I want without thinking about the other persons. I party and I get drunk, a lot. So I am not planning to add another thing to my list of failure. That's why I can't tell them. I wish Brittany could understand that. But Britt is not like other people, not like me. She sees the good in the world. For her everything has something positive. She is innocent and sweet, loves Disney movies and ducks. She is the loveliest person in this world…and that's why I love her so much. But she is blinded from her happiness. She won't understand what will happen to us if we tell anyone. She can't understand why I have to say no. So that leads us to our last week of summer.

,, San come to bed with me" I look up from my laptop and see that she has changed into some shorts and a loose t-shirt. I get up from my chair and crawl in my bed.

,, That's nice. I love it when you lie with me."

I turn around and spoon her from behind.

,, And I love to cuddle with you" I tell her sincerely. Just when I was slowly drifting to sleep I hear her soft whisper.

,, I liked it in New York."

,, Me too." I am too tired to think of more to say so I wait for her to go on.

,, I liked that we were together…like a real couple."

I turn to look at her.

,, Yeah, it was nice. But we still are together right?"

,, If you want us to be."

Now I am confused. Why wouldn't I want to be with the most amazing girl in the world?

,, Of course, why wouldn't I?"

,, Because you're ashamed to be with me…openly."

I sit up and pull her with me.

,, I'm not ashamed of you. It's just that I'm not ready to tell people."

Why can't she see that it isn't her fault? It's everyone else's but sure not hers.

,, Yeah, that's what you've told me for months now. But will you ever be ready? "

I can hear that she starts to get angry. Her brows furrow and she turns her head away from me.

,, Listen, I love you Brittany and I want to be with you…open, but not now. I can't tell my parents and high school is a living hell. It's not the right moment."

Her face falls. She seems tired and helpless.

,, So you want to wait until we graduate? That's a whole year Santana. That's too long."

,, Pleas Britt, that's not what I meant. I will come out this year I promise. I…I just need time."

,, How long Santana? I need to know how long."

I look in those sad eyes and want to tell her that I'll be ready soon. That I want to tell everyone and show them she's mine. But I can't.

,, I…I don't know. Please, Britt, just tell me you can wait. Please?"

,, I don't know Santana. It's been so long now and nothing has changed. You always say that one day you'll be ready…but it seems like this day never comes."

,,Britt please. I love you."

She lowers her head and takes my hands into hers.

,, I love you too Santana, more than anything else in this world. But I'm tired. So sick and tired of waiting. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."

With a sad smile she stands up and walks to the door.

,, That's it? You break up with me?"

I can't hold the tears back any longer. A loud sob escapes me. Britany turns around, her own tears falling now. She looks like she doesn't know if she should come back and kiss my tears away, or if she should go and leave me heartbroken.

,, I will always love you. But I can't be your secret anymore. I don't break up with you. For one it's not even possible since we aren't really together. But…I just…I think we need a break. Some time apart to think it all over and decide what we want."

With that she leaves. Without looking back she walks to her car and drives away. I fall back on my bed and let the tears fall. I cry until there is nothing left and slowly fall into a restless sleep.

When I wake up the next morning my throat is sore from all the crying. I try to open my eyes but the lights are too bright so I close them again.

,, Fuck…what time is it?"

I turn to my bedside table and look at my clock. 12:00. Shit. I have slept for eleven hours. I try to open my eyes again and this time I manage to keep them open. Suddenly realization hits me. Brittany broke up with me. And it's my own fault. I have always expected her to wait. But it took me too long to suck it up and work up the courage to come out and now she is gone. Tears fill my eyes again but I won't let them fall. I stand up and walk down the stairs. My parents are both long gone. As a doctor my dad always works through the night and nearly never shows up. And my mom seems to love the stories of her clients more than the ones from her own daughter. But I don't mind. As long as they give me money and leave me alone I am cool with it. I open the fridge and take out some orange juice. As I sit at the table I pull out my phone and check my messages…nothing. No text from a certain blond that can make my heart race with just one look. I consider to text her but after a brief moment I close my phone. I don't think she wants to hang out this summer again since we are about to take a break from each other. So I roll through my contacts until I find the number I searched.

: Want 2 hang out?-s

After a few minutes Quinn replies.

: sure-q

: come over in 20-s

: k-q

Since my parents are never home it became normal for us to hang out at my place.

I am watching TV when I hear the doorbell ring. I stand up and walk to the door and open it.

,,Hi"

She smiles awkwardly at me. It has been so long since we last hung out, just the two of us. Ever since we started to be cheerios something in our friendship has changed.

,,Hi"

I return the smile. We walk in the kitchen and she puts a big bag on the table.

,,What's that?"

I watch her with curious eyes. She has never brought anything with her. Normally we only sit on my bed and watch one of these weird horror movies she loves so much.

,,Food" she states. ,, We are cooking."

I grin at her. When we were younger we always used to pretend that we were a family. I was the dad, Quinn the mom and Britt our daughter. We used to cook all day and try new recipes. It always makes me smile to think of the old times, when we were an inseparable trio, without all the fights over popularity. Quinn unpacks the bags and puts the contents out on the kitchen table. After a short look over the table I know exactly what she has in mind.

,,Fajitas, really? You know what happened the last time, right? And this time I won't help you clean up the mess." I smirk at her and she gives me her famous: ,, I'm not stupid you little bitch" look.

,,First of all, it was an accident and it won't happen again. Secondly, of course you would help me clean up because I'm still top bitch and you're totally scared of me even if you pretend to be not. And finally, it won't happen again because you are going to cook. I'm fine with making the dishes and the salad."

I give a short laugh and shake my head in disbelieve. After everything she has been through Quinn Fabray is still the queen of bitchiness, of course after me.

,,C'mon let's start."

And with that we go to work. Well I work; Quinn makes the salad and sets the table. Afterwards she just sits on the couch and watches TV.

A good hour later dinner is ready. We sit at the table and eat in in uncomfortable silence. Neither of us knows what to say. We never were as close as me and Brittany. I mean, we are friends, but somehow we are enemies too. I try to break the ice with some small talk.

,,So…how are your holidays?"

,,Good, I was in Florida with my mom. Do some bonding after the whole last year. It was…nice."

She gives me an awkward half smile. I know she isn't as close with her mother ever since the whole baby thing.

,,I heard you and Britt were in New York. How was it?"

I cringe a little when she mentions Brittany. I give a light shrug.

,, New York was fantastic."

,,Well the joy is written all over your face." She races a perfect eyebrow and waits for an explanation.

,,The time there was great. But the day after we came home Britt and I had a little fight."

,,Yeah I wondered where your better half is. So…how little was this fight?"

I look done on my hands and shrug.

,, Big enough that I'm here with you alone." It wasn't meant to sound this harsh. I like spending time with Quinn. I just miss Brittany.

,,I mean I like hanging out with you it's just…it was a pretty big fight you know?"

She gives me a sympathetic smile and takes my hand into hers.

,,Hey…I am sure by the end of this day you will both made it up. It's always like this with the two of you. You can't stay mad at each other for long."

I lower my head and try to fight the tears in my eyes. This time it's different. I can't just apologize and everything will be fine again. I don't know if we will ever be fine again. Not if I don't show her how much she means to me and come out for her. And there is the problem. I can't.

,, Yeah…probably."

We spend the rest of the day in our garden and swim in the pool.

,,When will your parents be back?"

,, I don't know…maybe they won't even come back if we have luck."

,,So they still work all day? Have at least the fights stopped?"

I look away. No, they haven't stopped. They got worse, if my dad ever is at home than only under a big amount of alcohol. Normally I just lock myself in my room and wait until they are both in bed. But lately my dad gets violent and I can't leave my mother alone with him. So now I am his victim too.

,,Not really. But it's not that bad, no worries." I give her an assuring smile but I know that she can see right through it. Luckily she doesn't push it any further.

We lie in on our towels in the back of my garden. The sun sets and it starts to get cold. When I look over at Quinn I see that she is awake too and looks at me.

,,San?"

,,Yeah?"

,,Why have we been so cruel to each other last year?"

I open my eyes again and look at her.

,, I don't know. I think we both were blinded by the pressure of being popular."

,,Friends shouldn't do this to each other. "

I give her a weak smile and shrug. I know exactly what she means.

,, No…they shouldn't."

,, Are we friends San?"

,, Do you want to be my friend?"

She gives me a smile and nods.

,, I'd like that."

She puts her arms around me and gives me a warm hug.

,, Yeah, me too." I really do.