A/N: Before I start, let me just say that it's stories like this that are the reason you should never guzzle down three liters of Mountain Dew at three o'clock in the morning.
Disclaimer: If I owned Sailor Moon, Darien would have to wear a short skirt, too! Muahahahah! (A/N: See what I mean?)
Are You Sure They're Not Drunk?
"You guys, Serena always looks so depressed these days," Lita whispered to her friends in the arcade both. "What's up with her?"
Ami looked up and set her book – An Idiot's Guide to Being a Bibliophile – on the tabletop. That was when they all knew it was serious.
"I don't know," began Ami, chewing on her glasses. "I asked her if anything was wrong yesterday, and she told me it was nothing. But she didn't even eat lunch today. She left her bento untouched on her desk and just stared into space the whole break."
Gasps erupted all around.
"No way!"
"Serena, skip lunch!"
"You must have been hallucinating, Ami! Do you have a fever?" Mina felt Ami's forehead frantically. "No, you're cool – heehee, you're Sailor Mercury, and you're cool, that's funny…"
"Good God," muttered Rei sourly. "I have never seen such an airhead."
"Lay off, Rei! We're trying to talk about Serena here!" Lita reminded everyone sharply.
"Yes." Ami primly adjusted her bangs where Mina had disturbed them with her fever-checking. "As I said, something is wrong. However, I scanned Serena with the Mercury computer during Algebra class – which, incidentally, she didn't fall asleep during today – and she exhibits no signs of illness. So whatever is ailing her is purely emotional and/or mental."
"So what you're saying is that she's just regular old down in the dumpster," summarized Mina.
"It's down in the dumps, but yes, that's basically my hypothesis."
"Geez, you're making her sound like a science project." Rei rolled her eyes.
"Maybe we could ask Luna," Lita suggested. "After all, she's with Serena practically 24/7, she should know what's bothering Serena."
"Yes, that seems like the most feasible course of action – "
"Hey!" Mina's shout interrupted Ami. "Here she comes, you guys. Look normal!"
They all scrambled to settle into their usual positions in the booth. Ami snatched up her book and hurriedly hid her face behind it; Rei pasted a sour scowl on her face and drummed her fingers impatiently on the tabletop; Mina and Lita erupted into unbelievably fake giggles, batting their eyelashes at the first male that walked past their table – an old man with tufts of hair protruding from his ears and liverspots on his wrinkled bald pate, who had probably come to the arcade for an early bird special. He winked at them as he hobbled past, and the smiles quickly melted right off the two Senshi's faces to be replaced with identical grimaces.
By then, Serena was standing in front of the booth, running an appraising eye across them. "Did Andrew let you guys order wine coolers or something?" she asked. "Because you guys are acting REALLY weird."
"What are you talking about?" Mina demanded, glancing nervously around at her partners in crime. "We're acting perfectly NORMAL, aren't we, girls?"
"Oh, yes." Ami nodded vigorously, and Lita followed suit, her chestnut ponytail bouncing up and down.
"Honestly, Serena," Rei added her two cents, rolling her eyes. "You're beign paranoid. We're acting like we always do."
"Really?" Serena's blonde eyebrows lifted. "Does Ami usually read her books upside down?"
Ami squeaked and hurriedly tossed the incriminating book over her shoulder. It collided with the head of some innocent Arcade patron and knocked them out cold on the floor. None of our Senshi paid any attention to this minutiae, however. They were too busy shifting guiltily in their seats.
"And do Mina and Lita usually flirt with senior citizens?"
"Or course we do," Mina blurted out, desperate to keep up the lie. Then she blinked, realizing what she had just said. "I mean – not that – oh my, look at that, my shoe's untied!" She dove under the table, presumably to fix this inequity.
"Uh, Mina, you're wearing loafers – OW!" Lita bellowed and cursed, clutching her bleeding shin, which Mina had just kicked to make her shut up. "OOH, YOU LITTLE TRAMP, I'M GONNA KILL YOU! NO ONE DRAWS JUPITER-SAMA'S BLOOD AND GETS AWAY ALIVE!" She dove under the table after Mina, and the table began to shake and buck violently.
Serena, Ami, and Rei blanched and sidled away to the counter.
"Are they – are they going to be okay?" Andrew asked anxiously from across the room where he was serving a gaping customer. Both watched the scene with a horrified sort of fascination.
Rei guffawed for Andrew's benefit, slapping him on the back. "Oh, they're fine, don't worry! They do this all the time – they're on the mud-wrestling team at school, so they gotta keep in practice, you know…"
"WHOAH!" Darien chose this auspicious moment to make his appearance, striding in through the automatic doors. "Hope you guys have got a designated driver!" He clapped Andrew on the back. Andrew winced at this second piece of abuse to his poor spine. "These girls are underage, you know. You are gonna be so grounded for selling them alcohol."
"But I didn't sell them anything!" Andrew protested with wide, frightened eyes.
"You mean they're doing that all on their own?" Darien flicked impressed eyes in the bucking table's direction. "Wow. Estrogen is a powerful thing."
"You're telling me," agreed Andrew wholeheartedly, glancing at the framed picture of Reika that sat beside the cash register. "It should definitely be a controlled substance."
Meanwhile…
"Heheheh…do you think we should break it up now?" Rei looked at Ami.
"Um…I don't think we CAN stop it. Lita's gotten her stride now." Ami flinched as a particularly loud obscenity echoed through the arcade, followed by a blood-curdling scream.
"So what you're saying is…" Serena grinned, the first smile either girl had seen from her in days, and it caused them to back away from her in fear. "…that Lita's all warmed up?"
"Serena…what are you thinking?"
"Well, you said things are heating up!" Serena flashed a toothy smirk. "So maybe it's time to cool things down! Whaddaya say, Ami?"
"Hey! You extremely uncouth girls! Yes, you two, the ones under the table!"
Every head in the arcade swiveled towards the seemingly possessed table and the two high school girls beneath it, then towards the trio of Sailor Senshis who had just burst in the doors of the Arcade.
"You think it's funny to flirt with old mean and get their hopes up? And to disturb the peaceful atmosphere of this heavenly arcade? Well, I am Sailor Moon, Champion of Love and Justice, and in the name of the moon and of gamers and old geezers everywhere, I will punish you!"
"Some people are trying to study for mid-terms!" Sailor Mercury stepped forward, her blue visor glinting menacingly. "They need peace and quiet, not catfights! In the name of bookworms and aspiring erudites everywhere, I am Sailor Mercury, and I will punish you! SHINING AQUA ILLUSION!"
Shimmery blue mist filled the room. In a few seconds, it cleared, revealing the three Sailor Senshis standing in front of the two brawling girls, who were frozen in mid-kick – or, in Mina's case, mid-bite.
"Look!" came the shout from one of the back booths. "Sailor Mercury froze those two girls solid!"
"About time!" countered another voice.
"And guess who's gonna have some fun thawing them?" Sailor Mars clicked forward in her flaming high heels, baring her teeth in an eager, malicious grin. "MARS FIREBALL!"
Steam hissed, billowing out to replace Mercury's fog. When it cleared, Mina and Lita were sprawled out unconscious on the floor.
"OH MY GOD! MARS, YOU SET THEIR HAIR ON FIRE!" Sailor Moon screamed, stomping panickedly on Lita's smoking ponytail. Mina's treasured red bow was already a pile of ashes. "CAN'T YOU GET SOME BETTER AIM, PRYO?"
"It sounds like you're volunteering to be my practice target, Sailor Moon! Do you like your meatballs medium rare or well-done? MARS FIREBA – "
"You WITCH! MOON TIARA – "
"SHINING AQUA ILLUSION!"
Before either of the Senshis could finish their attacks, Mercury had frozen them. The whole arcade stared at her in awe.
The bluenette heaved a sigh of relief, rubbing her temple. "God, they were giving me a migraine. Always fighting like a couple of piranhas…" She jerked in surprise as cheers and applause erupted suddenly. A fierce blush suffused her cheeks at the attention.
At that moment, Tuxedo Mask came barreling in through the doors, cape whipping dramatically behind him. "Where is she?" he gasped. "Where's Sailor Moon?" His masked eyes landed on the blonde-haired heroine, coated with a thick layer of ice. "Holy guacamole, Mercury's gone dark! Don't worry, Sailor Moon, I'll save you!" He turned to Mercury. "Your heart of ice has finally caught up with you, Sailor Mercury. Friends are for gossiping and drooling over hot guys – like me – with, not freezing solid! For turning Sailor Moon into a popsicle, I will punish you!"
"Tuxedo – " Mercury's blue eyes were wide, and she tried to explain. "No, it's not what it looks like – "
'Enough!" roared Tuxedo Mask. "This will be a battle to the death – well, unless…" His eyes glinted behind his mask. "Unless you hand over that Mercury computer of yours. What is that, a Pentium Four processor?"
"What?" Mercury shrieked, clutching the mini-laptop to her chest. (She had just taken it out of her Sub-Space pocket to analyze Tuxedo Mask for any signs on intoxication that could explain his uncharacteristically passionate behavior.) "You can't have this!" Her eyes narrowed. "Tuxedo Mask, I think I know what this is about. Are you on medication?"
Tuxedo Mask's expression faltered. "I – of course not – I mean – well, maybe some Prozac."
"I thought so." Mercury nodded knowingly to herself, then patted the seat of the empty booth beside her. "Come lie down here. I think you and I need to have a little talk."
A/N: There's the first part. I've decided to split this fic up into a couple of parts, since I get more reviews that way. Tell me what you think and if it's worth continuing. What sort of stuff do you wanna read next chapter?
P.S. Meg-chan and Serenity-hime, I love both of your new stories! Of course, you prob'ly already know that, since I left reviews…
P.P.S. For those of you waiting patiently for the next chapter of STC, don't worry, it's coming. I'm on Spring Break, so I'll probably have at least two new chapters up this week.