A/N: This little scene is set in the 8th Day of 707's route. May contain spoilers. I do not own Mystic Messenger or the MM characters. I only own the MC just a bit.
He's been staying here with me in the apartment, yet it isn't anything like I imagined it would be. I admit, I was naive. Foolish, even. I thought...He cared for me the way I care for him. Deeply so, in fact. I love him. I thought the two of us together would be amazing and feel so wonderful. But...It isn't turning out like that.
He's keeping his distance from me more than he's ever done before. Not only that, but any time I try to get close to him at all, he pushes me away with everything he has. He can't really hate me, right? He's here, trying to keep me safe, after all. He wouldn't do that if he didn't care...Right? I didn't completely misread him...I couldn't have...He...He has feelings for me. I know it. Yet...He keeps saying otherwise and no matter how hard I cling to this knowledge, my confidence is persistently being dented by him.
And here and now I'm getting yet another painfully heart-wrenching lecture from him. Just how much more am I expected to take? I ball up my fists and look down, unable to stare into that intense, golden gaze of his. It's as if he's burning a hole right through to my heart with those eyes.
Frankly, it's all I can do not to burst into tears right now as his words cut into the very core of my being.
"Even if you try to get involved with me, I will refuse everything." Seven's tone is cold. So cold it could freeze fire. "This is nothing for a person like you to be involved in. You'll only end up getting hurt...Let's just stop talking about this." He's deciding this on his own. He's always deciding everything all on his own. Why does he carry all of these burdens alone? Does he hate himself this much? That thought hurts me more than I can take, but there isn't anything I can do for it. He's not listening to me at all and hasn't since he got here.
"For now on, if I have to tell you anything concerning your safety, I'll do it through the messenger...So just know it as that." What is he even saying? That he will no longer speak to me in person even though we are in the same apartment? "I'm going to go to work. Don't bother me." He turns away and heads back to his corner.
I could have spoken up again. Maybe I should have. But I remain in stunned silence as I watch him settle back into his corner.
"..." This is just too much. I may be a very positive and loving and supportive person, and I may know he's being defensive, pushing me away on purpose to some degree, but this? His refusal to take my feelings and wants into consideration at all, his total shutdown of his own emotions? All of this continuing on like this is just cruel on his part and it hurts. It really hurts. I find myself on autopilot. I quietly move through the apartment a few minutes later as Seven is busy with his work, his headphones firmly in place. He always seems to notice when I'm absent, but I bet he won't this time. He's too busy trying his hardest to ignore my existence.
The next thing I know, I'm slipping out the door and down the hall. Then to the elevator. And lastly, out of the building all together. I start walking rather mindlessly away as I finally let the tears I've been holding back, flow freely down my cheeks.
I know it's not really okay of me to leave the apartment. The last time I did so without telling him anything, Seven called me and freaked out big time about me being a mere seven minutes gone. But I really need to get away, to take a walk and clear my head. The pain he's causing me...Well anything someone might do to me physically at this point, pales in comparison just now. I feel like I'll be numb to being kidnapped at this point anyway.
I'm not even sure when it is that I started to feel this deeply for him. I've never loved anyone to this degree before, but I know this is love. I love him so deeply. I would do anything for him. I think these feelings started only mere days after first meeting and chatting with everyone in RFA over the messenger. I certainly fell in love with him before I ever met him in person. I could see his heart. The silliness he portrays is one side of him, yes, but I always knew he was deeper. That he held secrets and there were layers he kept to himself. He'd drop little hints here and there, say off handed comments that he quickly dismissed, but...I could never dismiss them. I felt like there was something to them, at least some of them. And now I know I was right. But that doesn't get me anywhere.
I can't help Seven. I want to so desperately, but he won't allow it. I want to be here for him. To listen to his problems, to try to help him solve them if I can, and to just be here to hold him when I can't and when he's hurting. But he won't let me touch him. He acts as if he's a walking plague that can't allow me near him for fear I'll get sick. I understand that he's wanting to protect me, but isn't this way too much?
I'm not even aware when ten minutes pass and I'm walking across a quiet bridge. I think I chose this area of the city because not many people come this way. It's an older part of the city where not a lot of businesses are. It's probably a prime area for a kidnapping to take place, but I really don't care about that.
Another ten minutes or so pass and I stand on the bridge, gazing out over the water as I sniffle and wipe my eyes. "I love him so much, no matter what he says. No matter what he does...What am I going to do?" I whisper into the wind. I feel like I'm dying inside. Is this what heartbreak feels like? Suddenly all of those heartbreak songs I've heard over my lifetime, make perfect sense to me. And I hate them for it.
"MC! MC! DON'T MOVE, MC!" Seven's voice rings out and hits my ears and I instantly hear the desperation and fear pouring out of him. I push myself away from the bridge railing and whirl around to face him, wide eyed. He's running towards me wildly, a look on his face I've never seen before. He looks...Terrified. Did the kidnapper get near when I wasn't looking or something? I glance around, not terribly worried, honestly, figuring Saeran might be near or something but I see nothing out of the ordinary.
Before I can even ask, I'm suddenly engulfed in Seven's arms, my face being pressed forcefully into his chest. "Thank god! Oh, thank god!" He murmurs, gasping and out of breath as he clings to me for dear life, as if he fears that letting go might mean I'll disappear before his very eyes.
"...S-Seven?" My own muffled voice questions him. This...This behavior...What is this? I'm terribly confused and being so close to Seven is only making my heart pound like crazy in my chest. After a few moments he speaks up but doesn't release me. "I couldn't...Find you. One minute you were there, the next...Nowhere. I looked everywhere. The apartment. You were just gone! And you didn't even take your phone. I thought...Something must have happened to you. You're not hurt are you?" He slowly pulls back, keeping his hands on my arms as he looks me over worriedly.
"I'm...I'm not physically injured, if that's what you mean." I look at him blankly. Relief floods his features. "Thank god." He repeats, finally catching his breath. Then here it came. He releases his hold on me fully, and then glares. "How many times have I told you NOT to leave the apartment? Especially, I told you NEVER leave without informing me first! You can't just walk away like this! How can you do this to me?"
Oh really? Really, Seven? REALLY? I've had it. I lift a hand as if to slap him, but...Well, I'm not going to commit assault. I may be a female, but that's a bit...It can still hurt and is still wrong to get violent against another. So I lower my hand even though he makes no move to stop me from any of it. I have no doubt he would let me hit him. I just...I can't.
Instead, I glare right back. I take a moment to gather my thoughts and take in a deep breath so that I can speak somewhat calmly. "I was upset. I wanted to get away, that's all I know. I wasn't thinking, it's true. Humans get scared and upset and make poor decisions sometimes. You know this, since you make plenty yourself. Like avoiding me like you do. That's a poor decision."
Seven looks surprised, then annoyed. "Think what you want, but I'm doing this for your own good. You don't know anything. You don't understand. You can't understand the dangers. It's up to me to keep you safe from them. Safe from me."
I give a small, bitter laugh. "You really...I've said this before," And was ignored. "But I love you, Seven." He looks like I slapped him as I say this. He glances away from me, then glares again. I ignore all of this myself. "I love you, but you are being really selfish right now."
His glare disappears and is replaced with a look of disbelief. "Selfish? I'm trying to-"
I cut him off. "Protect me. Yeah. I know. Did it ever occur to you, Seven, that, you're only wanting to protect me for your own selfish reasons? You aren't caring or thinking about what I really want. What would really make me happy."
Seven frowns at me now. "But, MC...It's not about that. It's not about your happiness. I...Told you before I don't care about your feelings. But I'm trying to keep you safe."
I shake my head. This guy...How can he be this smart and this dense at the same time? "The thing about that, Seven...Is you don't want me to get hurt, right? You're afraid I'll get kidnapped and hurt, or something worse, like that bomb going off and killing me or your agency doing something to me. You keep saying you don't want to get me involved in dangerous stuff. You wouldn't care if I was involved with dangerous stuff if you didn't care that I could get hurt." I point this out reasonably since he likes to say he doesn't care about me, yet he's doing all of this for me.
His frown grows deeper. "...I've been involved in things you can't know about. Dangerous things. It's normal for me not to want to involve an innocent outsider in my affairs." He explains as calmly as he can manage. "It's not like I care about you as a person, it's just I'd feel this way about anyone who got dragged into all of this who shouldn't be. I wouldn't want anyone hurt, not just you. Don't get so full of yourself."
Seven...Is he really hating me this much or is he still just trying to push me away? Could it be both? I can't believe that. Even if my heart feels this heavy, I can't believe that Seven truly hates me and doesn't care for me at all. I just don't feel that way no matter how hard he tries to act like this is how he feels. I...I believe in Seven.
"Now, come on. It's not safe out here. Not yet. Let's go back." He grabs my wrist gently, but firmly, and tugs as he turns away and starts heading off the bridge. I tug back, planting my feet firmly on the pavement and resist him. He pauses and looks at me questioningly. At that, as nice and warm as his fingers feel around my wrist, I jerk free and take a solid step back away from him.
His eyes widen, looking like he thinks I might very well try to literally run away from him. I think he's seriously looking like he's ready to tackle me should I try to take off running. In any other circumstances, such a panicked look from him might make me laugh. But I'm in no mood to laugh just now.
"Enough! Enough of this!" I choke out, the tears flowing once more, and that causes Seven to look all the more panicked as he stares helplessly at me. "It's...Selfish of you because you care only how you will feel if something happens to me. You don't think you can live with it, but you don't care how I think and feel about it. I definitely don't want to just sit back and be protected by you! What good is that?" He looks like he's about to speak up. I continue quickly. "But that's not the problem here." I draw in a shaky breath, gazing at him pleadingly through my tears. He remains silent just then, a confused and troubled look crossing his features.
"Euthanasia." He looks utterly baffled and even more concerned at this word coming from my lips. "M...MC?" He questions quietly, scowling. I wipe at my face even as the tears continue. "Assisted Suicide. Did you know, Seven...There are people who seek that who aren't already dying? People who are just having a very low quality of life that can't ever improve. People in great mental anguish, not just physical pain. And there are people who self harm on the outside, just to ease emotional pains they're suffering on the inside because it's too overwhelming for them and the physical pain is actually a relief for them." He's gaping at me now as I continue. "There are more harmful ways to hurt someone than physically." I try desperately to explain my feelings here.
"You…" I sling an arm over my face, half hiding my tears, but also hiding myself rather selfishly from having to see the look on his face, because I know I'm going to hurt him by saying this. "You're hurting me, Seven!" I heard a small sound from him, like a movement and a sharp intake of breath. My heart feels like it's being squeezed. Even when he's hurting me, his own pain is still surpassing my own for myself. Damn, I really love this man.
"You're really, deeply hurting me! It's not a hurt I'll ever get over. I may move on in the future, but even if I can, this will always hurt. This will always be a wound you're causing. A wound that may never heal, and will definitely leave a giant scar on my heart. All because you insist you're trying to keep me safe, keep me from hurting. When you're the one hurting me the most...S-Sometimes...When you're hurting someone, you have to weigh the risks, right? If I'm feeling like my physical safety isn't even important anymore because my heart is being torn apart, then what's the point in it? What's the point when you think what you're doing is protecting me, but you're not really protecting me at all? If you don't...Feel the same about me…" I choke back another sob. "That's...One thing. You can say it clearly and we can go our separate ways. But if you are holding back to 'protect' me, then all you're doing is causing us both a lot of pain. I can't take it anymore. I want to run away! Even if I end up kidnapped and tortured, I don't even care! I won't even feel it! Why are you doing this to me?!"
I know it, I'm being selfish too now, but I can't help it. My feelings come pouring out like this and I can't stand it. Not any of it.
The next thing I know, warm arms embrace me. Gently, with great care this time, he pulls me back into his chest. This time with less desperation than before. He's not just trying to assure himself, but to comfort me. "MC…" He speaks my name so softly, I barely catch the sound of it leaving his lips as he holds me tight. A hand softly lands on my head, stroking my hair and I can feel my tears dampening through his shirt. I try to move to wet only his jacket, but he won't let me move just now.
"God...MC...I…." And it's now that I realize that even Seven sounds on the verge of tears. All because of me. I hate that I caused this much pain for him too. "Please...Don't cry...I can't...I don't know what to do when you cry…" He sounds lost, worried. I try to reign in my emotions, but continue to quietly cry against him for the moment.
We remain like this for a little while. I'm not sure how much time has passed. Seconds? Minutes? Finally, my tears stop flowing and Seven speaks up, but once more, doesn't let go of me yet. "MC...I...You're right. I'm being very selfish. I admit that. And I guess I...Never considered how you feel, because...That way leads to my...Sanity not existing anymore. What little I have left of it." He laughs, though there was no humor to that laugh, it was more melancholy than anything.
"You in pain in any way is...Something I can't...Handle at all really. I've...All this time, been trying to keep you safe...Desperately trying to keep you from the world I live in, from the dangers that keep cropping up because of me and RFA being in your life. I've been so afraid of something bad happening to you...Of you being hurt because of the agency, or RFA, but here I am, causing you the most pain without them even having to do anything…" I could hear it, the pain in his voice. It was hurting him to know he was hurting me, just as I suspected.
"I…Didn't think about how much pain I was causing you. I honestly felt like I could convince you to hate me. That way, you wouldn't have to be involved, and you wouldn't have to feel hurt. But...Looks like I messed up. Things aren't working out like that...I'm...I'm so sorry, MC...I'm really, truly sorry...This isn't what I wanted for you."
I slowly lift my head from his chest and peer up at him. "Seven...Please...Can't you tell me your true feelings and let me decide on my own, for myself, what I want? I'm a grown woman, even if I'm this young, I have a right to decide my own future." I don't want him to take my future away just because he's afraid I might get hurt. People get hurt all the time, but it's worth the risk if it means I can have even the hope of a future that I truly want. With the one I want.
I gaze up at him expectantly, worried that his response will either be him closing down again, or him rejecting me completely. This move of mine is bold, forcing him into a corner and making him share his true feelings, but I'm at my limit. I can't do this anymore, so it's do or die. Figuratively speaking.
"...MC…" He sounds apologetic which doesn't feel good at all. "Even if I tell you, it won't do anything. I can't...We can't. The agency is after me. I'm going to have to leave. To go away from everything. From everyone..."
I lean up and touch his cheek. It's cool to the touch and I realize just how cold it is outside. We're both shivering. But I can't worry about that just now. "Seven...Don't. Don't run away. Not now. Not when you have so many reasons to stay." He frowns slightly. "But those are all the reasons I really have to go!" He protests even as he leans into my palm. "That's not it. Because we're here to support you." I insist, imploring him. His hand covers mine. "Everyone in the RFA, me, we're all here for you. Believe in us, Seven. Trust us and let us help you fight this. Stand your ground and we will be here for you." I say with confidence, knowing the rest of our friends will definitely do all they can for Seven too. "Believe in me like I believe in you. Because, I do you know. I believe in you, Seven."
His eyes are pools of chaotic emotions. So many I can't possibly catch them all, but I swear I can see it, just there, swirling around...Something for me. Am I just wishful seeing? Is that a thing? "MC…I...For you...My feelings are...I love you. I want to do everything I can for you. It's why I want to keep you safe. I'm dangerous to be around. Being near me is...No good. But you're right. I need to trust in you. To trust in the others, too. All of RFA…Though not V. I still can't...After what I've seen with Saeran I don't think I can trust V again...But the others...They...I definitely don't want to hurt any of them."
He said it. And it was like an arrow straight to my heart. Cupid's strike. I already love this man, but to hear him say the words that I felt, to hear him voice that he loves me too...I feel myself tearing up again. This time for all the right reasons.
I give him a soft smile. "Then don't. It takes more courage to stay and fight than to run away and hide again, doesn't it? So be the hero we all know you to be, Seven. Stay. Fight. Know we've got your back and won't regret any of it even if we all go down, we'll go down fighting. Together. Making our own decision to be here with you. You can't just leave anyway, I know you're the Defender of Justice, after all God Seven." I say in a teasing tone.
He manages a quick laugh at this and lowers his hand from mine, gingerly wiping at a tear on my cheek. Then he hugs me tight. He pulls back a bit and bends so close to my face, I can feel my cheeks heating up and my pulse pounding. "That's right. That's me. God Seven, Defender of Justice, all should bow before me." He jokes as he gazes at me with such love and adoration that I can hardly keep myself from shaking with emotion. "So just stop being so damn impossibly adorable already." I feel it before I even realize what's happening. A soft fluttering of his lips as he secures them to mine.
My heart nearly leaps out of my chest. I can't believe this isn't a dream, but real life. But here it is, right before my very eyes. I can feel him. It's amazing how quickly I went from my entire world falling apart, to feeling like I'm celebrating a major win in life. I can face anything if it's with and for Seven. I think I finally got through to him. I think he finally sees that he, too, can face anything with me by his side.
Once we part lips, I see I'm not the only one with pink cheeks. He grins and takes hold of my hand. "It's freaking freezing, let's get back inside before we turn into human ice pops." He suggests. We head back to the apartment exchanging banter and for the first time in days, I can breathe again.